My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

The OP is the red flag and if the partner was a relative I would be advising him to keep their finances completely separate or leave. It's not abusive to expect debts to be repaid and to stick to a financial plan. Money wise you're incompatible, have different values and are bound to annoy each other.

And frankly, I didn't visit a hair salon for nearly three years due to the pandemic; I went on YouTube and learned to cut it myself, and it looked fine. If I were in debt, I certainly would not be complaining about not being able to get my hair done. And toddlers can be entertained for free at the library, the park, etc. -- many people raise children without constant paid entertainment.

I've known people who can't get any money into their pocket without immediately start thinking of ways to spend it. No way would I ever mingle my finances with such a person, OR lend them money to get out of debt.

The boyfriend put $3,000 into savings that will benefit them both, and he's being called tight? Or selfish for treating himself?

The things is that the £200pm that she is paying back her partner is not all of the debt. OP says that she also has a credit card (to rehabilitate her credit status) and is paying that off in chunks, so presumably had debt on that as well.

The update reinforces that the Op hasn't really grasped how to manage her finances appropriately. I get what it's like to be poor (I've been a single parent), but the solution to not having the money for treats (not necessities) is not to get in more debt for them. We aren't talking about the car engine suddenly dying or an unexpected failure of the boiler. We are talking about starting a new activity for one of the kids, and their birthday. The first one could have been postponed 3 months and the second is very plannable - OP, how were you going to fund your child's birthday presents if you were still paying off lots of debt, or why did you promise to pay £200pm knowing that it would leave you short for your child's birthday?

And for those who are criticising the partner, the OP has said that he has already bought a better property when they got together to provide for her and the kids, and so is also planning to trade up to a better property. This is not someone who has squeezed the OP and her child and their subsequent children together into his life, this is someone, who although he earns more, has outlaid a significant financial sum on moving up the property ladder in order to accommodate his new family.

I have to say for those saying postpone the DDs gymnastics class, I doubt that's the true cause of OP being broke. It's likely more caused by hundreds of little decisions that seem innocuous on their own - like for example having lunch at the soft play rather than waiting until you get home - that make very little positive difference on your life or the DCs but quickly add up to a large sum.
I think the gymnastics has been mentioned because it is a lump sum and easily noticeable, plus who would quibble with such a worthy spend.

You’re right.
These are well above top 10% earners in this country.
They are comfortably in the top 2% richest people on the damn planet.

And all they do is whine that they don’t know how to pare bond, don’t know how to handle all the money they have, and how woe is she that she blew loads of money and landed a bloke who’d support her while she paid it all back.

Very 1st world problem dripping with entitlement and immaturity.
They both need to grow up.

For heavens sake the replies on this are ridiculous!

OP you need to report your thread & get it moved to relationships!

Please ignore the posters who are giving you a hard time & listen to those saying that you are in an abusive relationship & need some support!

I'm so sorry your partner is being such a Twat! 💐

He is an abusive prick. I earn twice what my husband does but never would I see him struggle for cash while I “treat myself”. Not much of a partnership

He’s testing you to see if you’re going to be responsible before you get married / buy a house together.

its only £200 and your only bill is food? What’s the issue?

I agree.

Even if the OP is hopeless with budgeting (and that seems likely given her income and what she spends it on) his attitude is all wrong.

Most decent men would sit down with her and discuss their spending together and help her budget if that is the issue.

If he doesn't love her enough to do that, he should leave the relationship. He sounds controlling and unpleasant.

You do wonder if that is his plan anyway as he's saving towards a bigger house, but maybe he isn't keen on her sharing it?

It doesn't seem a foundation for a marriage and it's unfortunate the 'mistake baby ' is in its way, as it's another reason for OP to stay.

Is this how people in love behave? Testing someone?

They are now having their 2nd child together.

Any 'testing' should have happened long ago. They have now got family.

and if he's not happy, and doesnt want to be with her, he ought to say so.

OR go to couples' counselling to find a better way through all of this.

I am on the fence here. Yes, OP only has to pay for food and DC things, so really don't get how 25K is not enough to cover this, even with debt repayments included.
Who knows what else her money goes to if she doesn't ever pay bills or rent.
However, her DP expecting her to pay 50% of everything at the new house is VVV Unreasonable given his salary is 2-3x hers. Married or not is irrelevant, they are a family unit and he sounds extremely selfish. If I were OP this would be a deal breaker for me, because it would mean he is happy to watch me struggle make all these payments while he's raking it in and "treating" himself.

That’s ridiculous’ please consider you relationship .
both me and hubby work , as I ran 2.5 x more than him I pay the rent and house expenses and he helps the food bill . If he was strapped for money or vice versa we would just help each other . The only thing I don’t pay is his mortgage as his house is currently for sale ( it’s a smallish amount ) but I helped him when he needed help with the initial help of putting it for sale as a example .
A relationship where people share a home is a partnership.

It's funny how many of those who think finances should be 50/50 completely take the piss when it comes to childcare/household chores.

The 1950s housewife thing goes both ways. If he wants 50/50 finances, he needs to pay for childcare and do chores.

If I was the DP I certainly wouldn't be putting everything joint. OP is financially feckless and it seems like she would spend everything penny she could get her hands on by making poor choices.

Very hard to stop a basic personality issue like that particularly if it's caused in part by ADHD.

Ach maybe I'm jealous. Our joint income is a lot more than OPs but most of our money goes on boring things like saving for retirement and car replacement funds.

I find it hard to fathom how someone with that much disposable income can describe themselves as struggling. She has the option of cutting the food shopping down to the bare bones, telling family that presents will be small, not having a huge birthday bash for her DD or making Ex pay half.

The relationship may not be perfect but I'm not 100% sure the DP is financially abusive, and I'd be interested to hear his version of events.

OP whilst I have some sympathy for you, I don’t understand why you have debt on a credit card you got to improve your credit score. The point of getting a card to improve your credit score is to pay it off in full each month so you clear the debt. At the moment you appear to only be paying some of it off. Somebody else has already posted links to money saving expert and I really do think that you will benefit from reading the various ares on the site to help with budgeting your money to ensure that you can always afford to pay your debt. You would have had to pay the original creditor, so the fact that your OH paid it off so it shows as settled on your credit history shouldn’t make you think a payment deferral for a month is o.k. I wish you well for the future but don’t think you’ve had your lightbulb moment fully yet.

I'm all for sharing finances but you have to have similar financial values and no way would I be paying anyone's debts.
People who get bailed out do not learn anything as Op is demonstrating very clearly.

At what age did your ex stop paying child maintenance?

That’s BS.
He does not trust her with his hard earned money, and why would he?
She does not trust him to share his income, and she’s watching him indulge himself needlessly.

This isn’t a partnership. They are not a team. They are acting like petulant children. They haven’t matured enough yet to form adult relationships.

Poster has been crying already… did you want to make her cry some more?

Hi op , I can see your partners side , he has enabled you to pay your dept off early to try to bring forward your house move .
It seems you were a little short sighted in not saving for your DD birthday and saying you couldn't afford gymnastics for another month.
I think you need to discuss what you can realistically contribute financially especially as you have put Christmas on the credit card . Your partner might not realise your financial situation .

Your partner is abusive. Please, plan a future without him. Plan it right and leave.

You don't seem like a partnership to me. You should be fully supporting eachother and be on the same page with your financial plan. No one should be struggling.

If my partner had a debt, I would pay it off for him as soon as I could. And I would expect him to do the same for me. I also would not expect to be paid back. That's how a loving relationship works IMO.

I think that he is probably worried that you're not sensible with money but seeing you struggling and him being in control of this does not sit right with me. He doesn't seem to see you as a partner who he loves and respects.

Why was it a spendy Christmas? There is no need to go into debt for Christmas for a young child and a toddler;. Charity shops, Freecycle, etc. etc. are sources of free or near-free items. Adults don't need gifts if you can't afford them without running up a credit card.

I assume the toddler you refer to in your final sentence is your joint child? Then why can't you afford to take them out? You say you are responsible for bits for the kids, but surely your partner wouldn't let his child go without? Or perhaps he does?