My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I don't think he sounds very nice. He only lent her the money to help with getting a mortgage. He won't allow/pay for childcare so she has to do all of that while working. He's insisting on 50/50 split for the mortgage despite earning nearly 3 times what she does. And she bought all the Christmas presents too.

and to a pp, yes he may be paying for bills, but really £25k before tax won't go far on all the other expenses for 3 kids and herself plus food for him too. She can't even afford to get her hair cut while he's buying expensive sunglasses (in February).

@DrawingdowntheMoon - she said her ex loves close by and DD lives 50/50 in both places, so no maintenance.

She said her first baby with current partner was his 'idea.' Obviously she had to agree to it!

I presume she didn't get pregnant on her own

I think you've hit the nail on the head here with why I find the man repulsive

and to a pp, yes he may be paying for bills, but really £25k before tax won't go far on all the other expenses for 3 kids and herself plus food for him too

There are an awful lot of families who survive on not much more and it has to include all bills too.

Plus OP doesn't have expenses for 3 children, she has expenses for 1.5 due to shared care of the oldest. And toddlers really don't cost that much.

I think this is part of OP's problem though - she sees her salary as money to be spent, and is not very good at budgeting.

But he's not paid off your debt!! ..your just how paying it to him now .. he seems like a control freak OP and your suppose to be a team .. I don't like him and I don't even known him

Didn’t the OP choose to make her own life harder? What has her partner got to do with it?

I think the ops life would be an awful lot harder if she was a single parent trying to manage everything herself. She wouldn't get much help on 25k and would have to pay for the housing and all bills too. I'd say he's making things as easy as he can while not risking the family's security

um pretty sure rent/bills ( which you have to pay if you’re not a homeowner and have no capital) generally is multiples of the sum of groceries , clothes and bits for the kids..
so actually OP is paying way less in this situation given she doesnt have to pay rent like everybody else

sustained gratification

Good grief @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
Who talks like that about a relationship where they are engaged?

It makes it sound as if she in in prison and her parole will be approved if she behaves.

He is not simply her boyfriend. He is the father of one child and they are expecting their 2nd. I don't think she achieved that on her own somehow.

He may not want to mingle finances, but he's fine about bodily fluids.

So let’s say you lent someone money to pay a parking fine, for example, say £60. You now want it back- would it be fair for the person you lent the money to now call you a control freak?

He made it clear he was lending her the money. If she didn’t want to pay it back she should have said “no, I’ll pay the debt myself”.

If he hadn’t paid the £600 to benefit both of them when applying for a mortgage for their home, firstly she wouldn’t have the option to have a payment holiday from the debt collection agency. Additionally, she wouldn’t be able to be on the mortgage.

He lent her the money to benefit them both. OP has just saw this as an ample opportunity to get out of paying it back so she can blow the remainder owed.

Her child’s birthday is the same every year. She should have budgeted for this in November before spending money she didn’t have on Christmas gifts. Ie oh I earn x across these pay days. Minus my expenses I have y available for gifts. I also have my child’s birthday on this month. That means in total I can spend x for Christmas and I need to put aside y to pay for the birthday. It’s very simple budgeting.

I’d have a lot more empathy if this was an unexpected expense that came through, like a bill or tax.

"Food shop, clothes and bits for the kids" don't cost the equivalent of £25k. That's £1750 monthly!

Is it because he resents his money going towards your older daughter and thinks her dad should be the one supporting financially?
Definitely don't think he should be buying himself treats while you struggle, whatever the reason

As a family unit, it sounds like they have plenty of money to pay for a child's gym classes and birthday party. I'd be very worried about the meanness and penny-pinching which could allow a child of the family to go without these things when actually there is plenty in the coffers to pay for them. It's not like the OP wanted to buy some new shoes/clothes or anything.

Also, how many kids need new clothes each month? I buy clothes a few times a year for the changing seasons. I also fully utilise shopping cheaper places for every day clothes (Asda etc). I don’t see why I’d ever need to budget for clothes for the kids every single month of the year.

Surely in this instance when there’s a birthday, you’d bin off the extras to afford the birthday gifts?

I would say that the OP should have plenty of money to pay for gymnastics out of her own earnings. £1700 take home per month with only food bills and a £200 debt to pay should leave a huge amount for discretionary spend.

@twix23 Having read your update, it adds more to the scenario.

However, despite all the explanations, his behaviour doesnt seem to be that of a man who loves his partner. He seems to be 'teaching you a lesson' and behaving like a strict parent.

Good, kind men do not behave like this in an equal relationship.

I wonder if it's worth talking to someone professional - like a counsellor- to get a fresh perspective on it all?

This was so sad to read. 100% financially abusive. He doesn't care about you just what you bring to him.

“He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.”

OP - Sort out your finances and clearly your debt ASAP, including putting money aside for your FO Fund.
All the best.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/budgeting/budget-planner#

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/budgeting/budgeting/work-out-your-budget/

www.stepchange.org/debt-info/how-to-make-a-budget.aspx

www.thebalancemoney.com/budgeting-101-1289589

www.moneyfit.org/how-to-budget

You shouldn't be paying 50:50 when he earns 65k and you earn 25k. He should pay 75% of the bills and mortgage ect (72.3% to be exact). That would be fair and proportionate to your incomes.

What bills split is he proposing when your on maternity leave?

I couldn't be with someone who would leave me skint while he is spending on shit. I'd prefer to be single.

If they mingle finances and she ruins his credit, it will make his life harder.

How so?

So because that works for you, everyone’s relationship has to be the same? I genuinely don’t get your setup. If I want “clothes etc” I buy them out of my money. If I can afford them. I don’t expect my husband’s salary to provide for my personal expenses, and likewise I’m not subsidising his. The idea of a “pot” is totally foreign to me. (We’ve never once argued about money in 35 years together either, so it obviously works for some people).

There’s a scary number of posters on this thread who seem to be firmly stuck in a 1950s dreamworld, where the big manly man earns the money and the woman expects to be able to spend it with impunity.

I just tried to post various links to several money saving websites, but MNHQ have hidden my 16:29 post. I’m assuming maybe bc of the web links?

Anyway, I’m posting my message again below but without the links this time:

“He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.”

OP - Sort out your finances including putting money aside for your FO Fund.

All the best.

I agree, I think he's doing as much as he can to help while protecting himself and the family overall. I do wonder whether he might reconsider the future since the op has obviously shown she's unable to be responsible.