My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Sorry, but that makes a lot of sense (my apologies to the OP). I was just voicing a recurring theme I read a lot on MN when two people move together and the finances get split into he pays mortgage she pays bills and food.

You are still mismanaging money when you enter into a 3 month repayment plan and ask to skip a payment because you learn the person you owe just got a windfall. Were you hoping he would forgive the debt once he paid off the 600?

Now he knows you can't pay 50-50 for the future house so this will be his excuse to have the new house only in his name.

He has no intention of marrying you. That's my guess.

This. This thread is typical of the hypocrisy rife on MN.

He has paid off OPs debt so she only needs to pay him back (which is much better than owing money to creditors, I doubt he’s charging interest)

@Cornchip He hasn't paid off the debt (not its entirety.) We don't know how much it was. It could have been £50K or £10K- Op never said.

He has paid off the remaining £600 as a LOAN to the OP, in order to free them up from a debt. This is so they can apply for a mortgage for a larger home.

The OP is paying the £600 back @ £200 a month but she's asked to extend/ reduce payment so she can buy her DD birthday gifts.

OP, if you agreed to repay DP at £200 a month and were previously paying off the debtors at the same amount per month for the last five years , you wouldn't have been given a month off by them , because of birthdays etc .

I don't however , agree that you should go 50/50 with a new mortgage when your and DP's wages are so different .

Sorry - didn’t realise you were speaking generally, in which case I totally agree. As a permanent arrangement it would be unacceptable, but given the OPs circumstances hopefully there will be an equal financial interest in the new home.

I don’t understand how people can live in relationships like this. I will never understand it. Good luck OP. If I were you I would get your finances in order as soon as you can, and make sure you keep earning so you can walk when the time comes.

The other side of this is having children and then looking for the nearest available woman (the mother, new partner) to palm your caring and household responsibilities onto without paying the going rate.

Families should be financial and domestic units, with responsibilities split fairly according to the parties' inclinations and abilities. If one partner spends all their time bringing in money and contributes very little else to family life, but takes advantage of and enjoys that family life, it sits very ill for them then to turn around and say their earnings are "theirs" and don't belong at least in part to the family unit.

I think it all depends what you mean by each pay 50 50. We do this in our house, but it means he pays 50% of his salary and I pay 50% of my salary into the joint account that covers everything. The rest is ours to spend or save as we wish. It doesn't mean we pay half of the expenses each as the higher earner pays more.

It sounds like he's got you where he wants you. Only a real asshole wouldn't let you off that £200. Another vote for leaving him. Sounds like he will be good for the child maintenance, and you will be eligible for financial help and support with getting a home. You need to get shot of him. Don't marry him. Don't get a house with him. You will be chaining yourself

Fully aware, hence me mentioning the payment holiday further down in my post.

She’s asking to put off paying him back as she spent too much in December and is creeping back into debt again, albeit to him and not a collection agency.

Don’t spend what you don’t have. If she couldn’t afford to spend x on Christmas gifts, then she should have spent less and budgeted for birthdays. As far as I’m aware, a birthday is the same day every year. It isn’t an expected bill that’s popped up.

Of course he’s paid it off. The original amount of the debt is irrelevant. He loaned the OP £600 which enabled her to pay off the debt in a lump sum she couldn’t have otherwise afforded, and probably saved her interest on it. She’s now paying him £200 a month interest free. And she didn’t ask to reduce the payment, she asked to skip it for a month - not something she could have done with a loan or if it was bad debt, an IVA. She agreed the sum with DP and defaulted after one payment. Not exactly demonstrating budgeting skills.

I think there's lots to unpick here. Fundamentally no he should not give you a payment break. Pay your debt as agreed.

You 1st state you do all the childcare. Then that grandparents are over a few times a week.

You state money will be tight. But signed daughter up to gymnastics because she deserves a treat. I think I deserve a takeaway 3 times a week but I don't - I can't afford it.

Birthdays don't come out of the blue. You've had 2 pay days since Xmas to budget for it as well as further planning ahead.

If the new house is going to be 50:50 ownership, yes you should pay 50% if you expect 50% equity back. Otherwise sign as owning the percentage you pay for. Bills should be more proportional to wages however, including food.

It sounds you have a very financially savvy partner who quite rightly sees you as a financial risk and you are still exhibiting behaviours of poor financial choices, spending money you don't necessarily have.

For what its worth. I earn double my husband. He had poor credit and debts which I paid off and he paid back. We pay mortgage 50:50 and bills proportionally and I put an extra £100 into savings.When I work overtime and have extra I spend half on me and half goes to us both. We have a child together and he has one of his own. Child maintenance comes out of his personal account, but costs under the roof here or activities paid joint.

There are some really good budgetting apps which help for long term goals and short term. Do you use any of them?

He’s not an asshole, he’s trying to instil some financial responsibility before taking out joint finances with the OP. And by defaulting after just one payment because she overspent at Christmas, the OP is making it clear that it’s not sinking in. Why are you encouraging the OP to leave a man who is clearly financially responsible, with whom she has a child, and to whom she is pregnant, and who is offering her a sound financial future with shared assets ? And given that the waiting list for LA help with housing is years long, and that the OP will have intentionally made herself homeless, what help with getting a home do you think she will be offered ?

Wait...you should leave someone if they ask you to pay back money you owe them...I've read it all now.

Not hard to see how the debt accrued in the first place is it ? She’s no longer able to put the overspend on a credit card, so she’s asking for a payment holiday instead, and the overspend is for something that she could have planned ahead for without getting into difficulty. Not a good start.

And according to one poster you should forego the chance of owning an equal share in your own property and a 90k PA lifestyle in favour of making yourself and your children homeless and throwing yourself on the mercy of the local authority to house you !! All because your partner has made a major contribution towards paying off your debt and is trying to make you more financially responsible so you can have a good life together. Yep. Only on MN!!

I think it’s probable he’s concerned about how you manage money particularly as you’re due to buy a house together soon and unfortunately you’ve proved him right by asking at the first opportunity to not repay money you said you would.

The answer as to who is unreasonable really depends on your outgoings.

Your salary is £1700 and you should get £140 child allowance.

Outgoings £400 on food, £200 debt, how much wrap around care? Say £300.

That still leaves £900. Even if your car is £300 and fuel £100 there still seems to be a fair bit left over??

But we don't know your life. How much is disposable each month?

I genuinely do not get these set ups.

If you have a child with a man, and you're living with them, everything you earn is a big pot. By all means you split that if you must (so say 80% of what you earn goes in that pot, 20% is for you to do what you want with) but I would never have a child with a man who has his own money.

My DH earns twice what I do. So what. The whole pot is enough to live off for the pair of us. Not once has he ever said I earn more than you I deserve more.

The household income pays for the household. If i wanted clothes etc I just go and buy them but I'm aware first if there's anything else coming out and it's not a month we could afford it.

also by that logic does that mean all mothers are entitled to not pay rent, debt, bills etc? Because you carried and birthed a child you’re entitled to what, free everything?

I'll have to propose this to my husband. As I have the Golden Womb I can stop paying any household finances and keep all my FT salary. I earn more but that's irrelevant because Golden Womb you see!

OP the stand out bit of your update is you wanted your daughter to have a treat and think she deserves it. I'd love to give my family extra treats and think they would deserve them but if I can't budget fit it, they can't have them. It's just a fact.

Have you asked her father to pay 50% of the gym classes? I've got a feeling you haven't ... you just signed up and thought when I need to pay I'll just cry and see if boyfriend lets me off £200 that month.

He's not your 'partner'

That was going to be my question...

What financial arrangements did you arrange before you decided to have children with him?

Doesn't the father of your older child make any contribution OP?

Dysfunctional relationship and he is controlling

You have to let go of your shame you have been amazing to tackle this

Don't let him make you feel like dirt

I wouldn't marry him or buy a house with him
He is controlling and cruel

My husband would give me the shoes on his feet. I am his world. He would never do this to me, ever

I haven't worked for 7 years and I am never made to feel like I don't contribute

I agree.

OP somehow ended up as a lone parent in circumstances that forced her to run up debt. If I couldn't afford a child I'd be on two forms of birth control plus have the morning-after pill handy, or I wouldn't be in a relationship at all, I'd be working and educating myself to boost my earning power.

then she meets her current partner and again instead of focusing on existing child and on increasing earning power, she has another baby, whilst still in debt from the previous one. (and yes, I know he helped create the baby, but let's face it, we women have the final say).

And whilst still in debt, running up the credit card on "wants" and deciding to have yet another child. Then when she gets a helping hand with the debt, her first thought is what now to spend on -- and how to postpone repaying the loan.

Children don't need birthday parties and they don't need gymnastics if the family can't afford it. Twenty-seven pounds is plenty for an eight-year-old's birthday gift.

I wish the best to the OP but it does not surprise me that the boyfriend doesn't want to mingle finances yet. In his shoes, I'd want to see sustained delayed gratification, budgeting and prudent spending first.