My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Although I would rather enjoy a cocktail lodger, as long as he left every night!

Are you paying huge amounts to your credit card balance each month? If he's covering housing and bills I just can't see why things are so tight for you on £25k? Is it worth you using something like moneysavingexpert to share your outgoings and see if people can help. With no housing costs to pay out of that salary, it should be very liveable.

He sounds quite abusive and manipulative OP. I know that's hard to hear when nearly 2 kids in. God my DP is far from perfect, but he'd be ashamed to behave like that. In a partnership you support each other.

He’s paid off her bad debt, allowing her to live rent free to pay off the rest, offering her a secure future, joint home ownership, joint account and hopefully a good lifestyle once things are sorted out. In return he expects her to be financially responsible so that his own credit rating isn’t affected and she doesn’t run up any more debt. Yep, sounds awful !!

I agree that it’s a bit mean to treat himself from his bonus without a thought for her and the children, but we don’t know that he will follow through on that do we ? The OP has red flags all over it as to how the debt has built up and now we have a drip feed adding ADHD and depression into the mix. It was also very telling that she only paid one instalment of the £200 monthly repayments before wanting a payment break, simply because she thought her DP could afford to allow one. Well, no, that’s not the point is it, because it’s not the financially responsible thing to do once you’ve made the commitment. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I’m with the DP on this one. The OP needs to show ongoing commitment, and this wasn’t a good start.

The OP indicated in her second post that she pays off a good chunk of it each month.

It comes with an opportunity cost.

If he did more of the unpaid labour, she would have more time for paid labour. Which does pay off debt and credit cards bills. So if she can't work more hours because he's not sharing the load because he's working himself, then he's benefiting financially at her expense.

The mistake people make is to assume that unpaid work has no financial value. It does, it's just that the financial value is not received by the person carrying it out. It's a transfer of wealth from her to him.

And possibly an indication of how the debts have built up ?

Except that she earns 25k and he earns 65k. So giving her more time to do paid labour wouldn’t really pay off as her earning power is different.

I 100% agree with you. What he can do for her is alleviate some of that workload so she can pay off the debt herself.

what the PP was saying though is that any kind man would have paid off the debt for her and not asked her to repay it and that he is ‘tight’ for doing so. That is what I don’t agree with.

Her power is reduced in part because of the sacrifice she has made for her partner ...growing and birthing his children

Calculate how much childcare would cost for your joint child. He owes you half of that each month as you doing the childcare saves him money. If you also do all the housework, calculate a charge for that too, based on the going rate hourly to hire it out. If you subtract half the bills and rent, the remainder should be what he pays you (or what you pay him, but childcare costs are high so it's not likely that you would owe him money if you subtracted everything out). When you have two children, recalculate using childcare costs for two children. During maternity leave, he should also pay you half the salary you would have gotten if you were working, as you would not be on maternity leave if not for having HIS child.

Usually on here the lower earning partner pays proportional to their income relative to the higher earning partner. Childcare is a low paid job so you doing the childcare frees him to do higher earning work by saddling you with the low earning work. So ideally if you earn 30% of what he does, you should PAY 30% of the joint costs of living. However the method I described above would be an alternate way if you believe that each paying half the costs is fair. I'm betting he doesn't compensate you in any way for your doiing all the childcare for your joint child as he probably feels childcare is (a) worth zero money and (b) mothers should do it for no income "out of love." (notice how fathers don't have to care for their own children out of love, except for maybe a couple hours a week).

It may be here that he doesn't want to mingle his payments with what you pay for your 7 year old. However I doubt he's doing any childcare for your 7 year old and you would need a joint home for your family regardless of her presence so unless she is using her own separate kitchen then her housing should not factor into the balance of costs between you. You could calculate out how much her food costs if he really wants to be stingy but having to do that, well, I think you know what that indicates. Anyway her food costs should be minimal. Her gymnastics should be paid by yourself and her father.

If your child is old enough to be getting some free childcare via the state, then you should back-calculate what your partner SHOULD HAVE PAID you to do childcare when your child was an infant and charge your partner for that. Infancy is the most expensive childcare cost because infants are vulnerable and require one-to-one care a lot of the time. Going forward, make sure to charge your partner for the costs of looking after your next infant/toddler etc. If he complains that you should not be calculating this because you should look after his children "out of love" then explain to him that he should support the mother of his children to live (without her being so poor she has to go without freaking haircuts) "out of love."

You deserve better than to be treated like this.

Why are you assuming her financial position when she built up the debt is the same as it is now? She may have been left in a situation where she had a new born, no home maternity pay etc and having to find money for it all? We don't know the age of her child or the circumstances then or what her income was then. My friend had to leave her abusive husband and rent somewhere finding £3k deposit and a month upfront as well as furniture and feeding her 2 kids. She had no savings but had a full time job not eligible for help initially.

Why do you keep wording it like that? As though she did it for him? It’s a joint decision to have a child. Therefore it’s a joint decision to grow, birth etc. it’s creepy the way you keep writing it as though it’s something from A Handmaid’s Tale…

When me and DH got together, I had 5k credit card debt, a shitty job and mortgage payments. He moved in, paid off the debt and since that day we share everything. Sometimes I've earned more, some times him. I took time off with the kids and he covered everything. He had a period of bad health, so I went back to work and covered everything. It just money. It goes in the pot and you spend what you need to. We've been skint and we've been flush. We are a partnership and every penny is OURS.

I could not bear this penny pinching, keeping score and divvying up. What a horrible way to live.

That "Golden Womb" mentality is strong on here.

Like birthing is some eternal sacrifice that absolves women from personal responsibility or the need to ensure their own financial security.

You birthed his baybeez. He must feed you till he dies.

Beyond weird.

Does your employer know you are caring full time for a toddler while working from home? Could you find yourself in hot water work wise because of that?

Indeed.

Her grandparents come over a few days a week and have her for me. I can do my work in the evenings too, my hours are very flex. I looked into a childminder/nursery but my partner didn't want that expense for when we apply for a mortgage

This is really unfair. The OP moved into the house that her DP owned and on which he was already paying the mortgage. Given that the house will be sold and the proceeds sunk into the joint ownership of their next home, in which she will have a 50% interest, how exactly is she being gullible ?

The OPs finances were clearly in a state when she moved in with him, so it would have been financial suicide for him to add her onto the mortgage and send his credit rating plummeting because of her bad debt - thereby risking a refusal when the time comes to renew the mortgage deal, or at the very least, not being able to secure a bigger mortgage to buy a joint property suitable for a growing family. The logical solution is to split the finances the way they have so that they will not be financially linked until her debt has been cleared and they can apply for joint finances.

If he intends for you to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills in the new house, I hope he intends to start doing 50% of the childcare and the housework.

When me and DH got together, I had 5k credit card debt, a shitty job and mortgage payments. He moved in, paid off the debt and since that day we share everything.

But you are a very lucky/rare example.

I’ve read multiple threads on here about men who rack up thousands of pounds in debt and then their wives have to suffer the consequences.

If OP had just met her DP and started a thread about how he’s got lots of debt but she wants him to move in her house that she has a mortgage on and eventually wants to move to a bigger place with both their names on it etc., every poster would be telling her to be careful and to protect herself/assets until he has paid his debts off and can prove he’s not going to keep recklessly spending.

I think DH is being very generous by paying all of the mortgage and household bills and putting money away for their new home, which allows OP to pay her debts off but still allows her to learn to budget and manage her money correctly.

He is doing what any woman would be advised to do if the tables were turned.

A lot of people seemingly saying this man is financially abusive but purposely missing the big details

• He pays the mortgage and bills (ie the most expensive outdoing expenses of the home)
• He has paid off OPs debt so she only needs to pay him back (which is much better than owing money to creditors, I doubt he’s charging interest)
• He has allowed OP to have enough of her wage to spend on her debt before he cleared the last of it
• He purchased a family home for all their children because his flat was too small for everyone
• He is saving up for a larger home for all of them
• He is putting his bonus into the house pot and not spending it on himself (ie the money is for all of them)

So on 25k a year, all OP needs to buy is food for the family, clothes and money for random expenses? Even if your food shop was £200 a week, that still leaves half your wage for other things. I’m really failing to see how this is financial abuse.

Financial abuse would OP having no access to funds at all, or having to ask permission before spending any money. It would be OP having to give DP receipts to show how much she has spent and what on. It would be giving her instructions on what she is allowed to buy or not. It isn’t someone running out of money because of poor budgeting, then wanting more and DP saying no.

I’d say that DP has said no to a payment holiday as one month will turn into two, then four, and then it just won’t get paid. There will always be an excuse. It’s easy to say that there won’t be an excuse, but when you’re talking about someone who has built up debt, it’s a pattern that needs to be broken and not re-started.

Also, regarding the Christmas gifts, I do think OP has a point with that. Gifts are a joint expense so they should have discussed a budget for each family member and split it equally. Or, OPs partner buys his family, OP buys hers and they split buying the children using the communal pot. And, if they did decide that OP was to buy all gifts then OP should have spent less so she wouldn’t be feeling the hit two months later.

You have two separate, though related, issues here.

The first is this particular debt. In this sort of moment, I think it's reasonable to say to him that with inflation increasing bills for food (which you pay) and other expenses that are larger than normal, you'll continue to pay but want to extend the term--so, for instance, £100/month rather than £200, but for longer. Asking to skip a month might be a worrisome sign of larger issues with balancing money, but extending the term seems reasonable.

The second is that he's being an absolute twat who's not valuing the work you do around the house and for the family as actual labor. You cannot split bills equally. Frankly, with that income disparity you shouldn't even if household is split 50-50 and you didn't have kids. But seeing as you do all the household labor AND childcare AND still bring in a wage, it's absolutely fucking ridiculous.

You need to clear the debt so he has nothing over you. And then you have to sit down and have a serious discussion. Because his choices are this: split the childcare and household work exactly evenly, and you pay, say, 60/40 him (as you push for higher salary and better job), or keep going the way that you're going and you pay, say, 80/20 him. Because you can't sacrifice career progression and all of your free time for household work and not have that be acknowledged.

He doesn't get 50-50, particularly if he's not putting 50-50 time and energy into your household and your family.

Also OP you say you can pay but will have to really really budget.

You already should have been really really budgeting to get the bloody debt paid! And you've been racking it up on your 'small' credit card while paying off the other debt. Hello, that's still debt if you don't fully clear it each and every month.

I’m not assuming anything - I actually said that we don’t know how or why the debt has accrued because she hasn’t given much detail, so we can only speculate. But if you read her OP, there are clear red flags in her general attitude - being miserable because she can’t afford things like going to the hairdressers, taking out a gym membership for DD despite not being able to afford it, then wanting a payment holiday on the second instalment of the £200, and actually weeping because he said no !! It doesn’t scream financial responsibility and leaves you with the impression that in the past these are the things she’s put on credit cards when she can’t afford the cash., and the debt has gone out of control - especially if taking a payment holiday comes so easily.