Page 12 | My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

twix23 · 2023-02-18T10:10:18+00:00

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol. Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/02/2023 14:19

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:12

@DontLikeMenthols yes I think she should be supported by her partner whos earning that much more than her in the same way I would expect a woman to who was earning that much more. Never mentioned gender in my comment so I don't know why you are? She's not got herself onto debt by betting her money away or spending it on alcohol. She was in a vulnerable position and the man who's meant to love her is teaching her a lesson for it when he could help her out and can afford to. There is such a thing as kindness in relationships I feel so sorry for so many of you with your tit for tat attitudes

I don't think it would be kind to someone with significant budgeting issues to continually bail them out. There are times when the kind thing is to make people face up to their issues. He could be abusive, the op could be financially irresponsible. I don't think there's enough Information here to judge but having been in the ops position my instincts say the issue is the op.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 18/02/2023 14:20

Humanswarm · 18/02/2023 14:18

If you are earning £25k and your debts have been paid off, besides the £200pcm for an extra two mo the to your dp, and your only expenditure is food, children's costs and phone...where is your money? Why is £200 a month to him going to set you back? Or have I misread something? I know single parents on £25k who manage..

This. He's not your cash cow.

Christmaspyjamas · 18/02/2023 14:20

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:15

@Christmaspyjamas oh sorry I don't have my calculator out I'm not that invested. She earns 25k he earns 65k

Doesn't need a calculator lol..she doesn't pay rent or bills and you're calling the person who does controlling....just wondered if there was any factual basis to that.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:20

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:12

@DontLikeMenthols yes I think she should be supported by her partner whos earning that much more than her in the same way I would expect a woman to who was earning that much more. Never mentioned gender in my comment so I don't know why you are? She's not got herself onto debt by betting her money away or spending it on alcohol. She was in a vulnerable position and the man who's meant to love her is teaching her a lesson for it when he could help her out and can afford to. There is such a thing as kindness in relationships I feel so sorry for so many of you with your tit for tat attitudes

You literally did mention gender…you said ‘this man’ quite a few times in your post..hence why I quoted it?

its not tit for tat, why should he pay off her debt for her? How do that going to help her learn to manage her finances and frankly why should he? OP is already asking for a payment break as it’s her child’s birthday & gymnastic fees need paying, if she was continuing to pay that debt off to the bank or an IVA she wouldn’t be granted one on that basis. I think it was kind of him to transfer the debt from the bank/IVA to him, if she defaults he’s not going to send the bailiffs round is he.

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:20

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:16

😂 this really does sum up a good 60% of posters on here though! It scares me!

Show quote history

And yet a man doing the same is a nasty abusive cocktail lodger.

howmanybicycles · 18/02/2023 14:20

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:15

It isn't 3 kids. It is a toddler and 50% of an older child. The older child has a father who also contributes to expenses and OP has said custody is 50/50.

I think the idea of oh we deserve extras and need expensive things is how people get into debt and money issues. They (or he) are saving for a house, the toddler doesn't need expensive clothes.

Show quote history

yes toddler costs might be 50/50 but OP is probably spending on things for the baby already. It would be good to know actual costs.

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:20

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:11

Of course, she is Cinderella, has now met her higher earning Prince, and going forward all should be paid for her.

Show quote history

What about all that she has sacrificed for this man, she has grown his babies in her body and birthed them and looked after them, all the damage trauma stress and strain caused by pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding, is that not worth anything 🤷

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:20

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:20

And yet a man doing the same is a nasty abusive cocktail lodger.

Show quote history

Amen. 👏

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/02/2023 14:21

ElliF · 18/02/2023 11:50

So you’re a couple engaged couple earning £90K a year, you sit in the top 10% of all household incomes in the country, and between you’s You both cannot manage your money. You are unable to budget and live within your means, and he has dug you out of that hole, so you feel like you live within your means because of his income.

On the flip side of that he cannot control his spending, has never needed to on account of his salary, but has not learned that he is in a relationship now and his income and your income are the family’s money if you want to live like grown ups, and that whilst one person should manage the finances, both partners have a say, and both have to play by the same rules.

He does not trust you. You do not trust him. You’re meant to be going through life as a team.

So...

I assume you don’t have joint accounts? That’s okay. Neither do we.

Where are the ‘family savings’ that you referred to? Are they in a joint account? Spread between ISAs or LISAs in both of your names? Or are they in accounts only he has access to?

Do you have FU Money? Do you have an emergency fund that only you can access that is there for if things go wrong?

I think everyone should have FU Money. I have a few thousand pounds sitting in my account just in case? It’s there so DH doesn’t feel that I don’t have the option to leave, and he knows that if he was hit by a bus tomorrow I have enough to take care of DD until I can access his account and estate.

Have you thought about giving up work completely and becoming a Stay at home mum? No childcare costs. No need for a second car. etc.

Show quote history

I agree with this entirely

Christmaspyjamas · 18/02/2023 14:22

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:20

What about all that she has sacrificed for this man, she has grown his babies in her body and birthed them and looked after them, all the damage trauma stress and strain caused by pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding, is that not worth anything 🤷

Show quote history

Well one kid isn't his and presumably she had kids because she wanted them not as a gift to him????

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:22

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:20

What about all that she has sacrificed for this man, she has grown his babies in her body and birthed them and looked after them, all the damage trauma stress and strain caused by pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding, is that not worth anything 🤷

Show quote history

firstly, she chose to do that too, it wasn’t forced upon her by some evil man…

also by that logic does that mean all mothers are entitled to not pay rent, debt, bills etc? Because you carried and birthed a child you’re entitled to what, free everything? A discount? I don’t get it. Surely you just live by your means?

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:22

cocktail lodger
Is that a variety of lodger who drinks exotic drinks 🤣

Original poster

twix23 · 18/02/2023 14:23

Wow this blew up more than I expected. I want to make it clear that I do take full responsibility for the debt I got into when I was a single parent. I struggled for years and having ADHD and depression didn't help the situation! But it was my fault and I have been working very hard to pay it all off, which it is now only a few months away.
The credit card is only a small one, I got it to actually improve my score, as I do pay a good chunk of every month, but Christmas was a spenny one (I buy all birthday/christmas gifts for family etc) and now I'd just like to clear a bit more. I appreciate and am grateful for everything my partner does for our family, he has provided us a home (he owned a flat prior and then bought this house for us when we got together) and is doing everything he can to ensure we are able to move into a bigger one for our growing family. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to send my eldest to gymnastics but I wanted to treat her as she deserves it. I can afford to pay him the 200 AND pay for gym, but I will struggle mid month and have to really really budget, which I just thought maybe if he gave me a month off I just wouldn't need to do. Anyway everyone has their own opinions and this was the purpose of my post, I was interested to see what others thoughts from an outside perspective. I don't agree I am being abused in anyway, though.

OP posts:

Circlesandtriangles · 18/02/2023 14:24

Think of the kids. He's going on about how he's treating himself and she's struggling to take the toddler to a soft play.
Why on earth is he treating himself and not the family? It doesn't sound right.

Zanatdy · 18/02/2023 14:24

I couldn’t love someone who treated me like that. Absolutely not. My ex was tight but even he wouldn’t have done that.

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:24

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:22

firstly, she chose to do that too, it wasn’t forced upon her by some evil man…

also by that logic does that mean all mothers are entitled to not pay rent, debt, bills etc? Because you carried and birthed a child you’re entitled to what, free everything? A discount? I don’t get it. Surely you just live by your means?

Show quote history

What I'm saying is that these things are all work, they are part of her contribution to the partnership, if we had to put a financial value on these things then her contribution would be measured as more equal to his. It's very convenient for men that they are able to discount and ignore the value of women's unpaid labour.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 14:26

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:12

@DontLikeMenthols yes I think she should be supported by her partner whos earning that much more than her in the same way I would expect a woman to who was earning that much more. Never mentioned gender in my comment so I don't know why you are? She's not got herself onto debt by betting her money away or spending it on alcohol. She was in a vulnerable position and the man who's meant to love her is teaching her a lesson for it when he could help her out and can afford to. There is such a thing as kindness in relationships I feel so sorry for so many of you with your tit for tat attitudes

There is kindness in relationships, yes. But that works both ways. It wouldn’t be kind for the OP to expect her DP to link himself to someone who has clearly been financially irresponsible and bring down his own credit rating as a result. She may not have gambled or drunk her money away but if you read her OP there are clearly red flags. Her DP can and is helping her out by forcing her to look carefully at her spending habits and getting out of the habit of putting stuff on a credit card when she can’t afford to pay cash. She’s also getting a lesson in not defaulting on agreed payments, which is entirely relevant given that the plan is to take out finance together. It’s not tit for tat, it’s common sense.

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:26

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:20

What about all that she has sacrificed for this man, she has grown his babies in her body and birthed them and looked after them, all the damage trauma stress and strain caused by pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding, is that not worth anything 🤷

Show quote history

I guarantee the OP was the one pushing for children.

nalabae · 18/02/2023 14:27

He is horrible. I’m sorry you’re in this situation

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:28

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:24

What I'm saying is that these things are all work, they are part of her contribution to the partnership, if we had to put a financial value on these things then her contribution would be measured as more equal to his. It's very convenient for men that they are able to discount and ignore the value of women's unpaid labour.

Show quote history

But sadly women's unpaid labour doesn’t pay off debt and credit cards that they have single handedly racked up. So why should her partner have to pay for that without asking for it back?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/02/2023 14:28

twix23 · 18/02/2023 14:23

Wow this blew up more than I expected. I want to make it clear that I do take full responsibility for the debt I got into when I was a single parent. I struggled for years and having ADHD and depression didn't help the situation! But it was my fault and I have been working very hard to pay it all off, which it is now only a few months away.
The credit card is only a small one, I got it to actually improve my score, as I do pay a good chunk of every month, but Christmas was a spenny one (I buy all birthday/christmas gifts for family etc) and now I'd just like to clear a bit more. I appreciate and am grateful for everything my partner does for our family, he has provided us a home (he owned a flat prior and then bought this house for us when we got together) and is doing everything he can to ensure we are able to move into a bigger one for our growing family. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to send my eldest to gymnastics but I wanted to treat her as she deserves it. I can afford to pay him the 200 AND pay for gym, but I will struggle mid month and have to really really budget, which I just thought maybe if he gave me a month off I just wouldn't need to do. Anyway everyone has their own opinions and this was the purpose of my post, I was interested to see what others thoughts from an outside perspective. I don't agree I am being abused in anyway, though.

Its the I wanted to treat her that jumps out at me, you can't afford the money you are committing to things. You really do need to sit down and budget properly. Look at what money is committed to where and figure out exactly how much disposable income you have to spend.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 14:28

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:24

What I'm saying is that these things are all work, they are part of her contribution to the partnership, if we had to put a financial value on these things then her contribution would be measured as more equal to his. It's very convenient for men that they are able to discount and ignore the value of women's unpaid labour.

Show quote history

She works from home and earns 25k, he works full time and earns 65k. Can’t help but wonder what the division of labour is there. Not saying it absolves him of any responsibility to help out with domestic life - it doesn’t - but the hours he works, the stress involved and the free time he has are all relevant.

Original poster

twix23 · 18/02/2023 14:29

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:26

I guarantee the OP was the one pushing for children.

Show quote history

LOL incorrect. Our first child was actually his suggestion, our 2nd was a 'surprise' that ideally should have waited a year or so to happen but here we are.

OP posts:

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 14:30

I appreciate and am grateful for everything my partner does for our family, he has provided us a home (he owned a flat prior and then bought this house for us when we got together) and is doing everything he can to ensure we are able to move into a bigger one for our growing family.

Sounds like he’s done more than enough for you financially.

On £25k a year you should not be struggling mid month.

I think instead of wanting more money, you really need to budget the money you do have.

You say you have ADHD and often difficulties managing money is one of the symptoms.
You do seem quite reckless with money and if you were by boyfriend I’d be a bit concerned.

It won’t do you any favours if he keeps supplying you with money when you ought to have money spare at the end of each month.

If the worst comes to worst and you do separate - how would you manage to pay all of the bills on your salary if you can’t manage now.

Sandra1984 · 18/02/2023 14:30

@twix23 puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off.

I always find it fascinating how all these guys get to convince their partners to pay for food and utilities while they pay for the mortgage, which of course is done on purpose because if the relationship goes bust women will be left with nothing and the guys will be left with a house they have paid for which is a pretty good deal. Why are we so gullible?