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My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

542 replies

twix23 · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

OP posts:
AlecTrevelyan006 · 18/02/2023 13:57

imho once a couple have a child together then all money coming into the household is family money. You need a joint account - everything goes in and out of that account. If either partner suggests anything different then the other should be worried.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 13:58

@Biscuits1011 because she's bad with money?

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 13:58

AlecTrevelyan006 · 18/02/2023 13:57

imho once a couple have a child together then all money coming into the household is family money. You need a joint account - everything goes in and out of that account. If either partner suggests anything different then the other should be worried.

Joint accounts are a bad idea.

AGoldenNarwhal · 18/02/2023 13:59

He is taking advantage of your unpaid labour.

Unfortunately, the only/best way to deal with this is to allocate more of the undervalued, unpaid labour to him and increase your paid labour.

Do the minimum around the house so you can work more hours.
Maybe look into getting a weekend job and leaving him to look after the kids?

He will only start to value your contribution to the household when he realises how you make his life run smoothly.

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:00

AlecTrevelyan006 · 18/02/2023 13:57

imho once a couple have a child together then all money coming into the household is family money. You need a joint account - everything goes in and out of that account. If either partner suggests anything different then the other should be worried.

I agree but this also makes things horribly difficult and compromised when your partner is not the person that you had children with, I'm not trying to suggest that we should be tied into relationships because we've had children with a person. More that these are very difficult things to reconcile and they typically leave women vulnerable and compromised ☹️

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:02

LakieLady · 18/02/2023 13:18

So although he may not be handing over the physical cash, he is essentially helping to pay her debts off by not taking any money off her for the mortgage or household bills.

But his mortgage would be the same regardless of whether OP and the children were living there, and the household bills wouldn't be massively less. It's not costing him significantly more.

And no-one in their right mind would be happy to pay towards the mortgage on a property they wouldn't have any rights to without a lot of legal hassle.

Isn't that what cock lodgers say when they move in?

MarshaMelrose · 18/02/2023 14:03

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/02/2023 13:53

Once you've had this baby, do something to ensure he can't keep getting you pregnant. It's all to his benefit - keeps you vulnerable and on a lower income, and apparently he's not financially viable for any of your children aside from paying the bills he'd be paying if they were there or not.

If a man told us that he earned £25k to his partner's £65k and she expected a 50-50 split when they move, everyone would be telling him he's the victim of financial abuse. And he's not growing and birthing any babies and taking a career hit...

It's a good thing that you're about to be out of debt. Have a think about what kind of future you want.

How has he kept her vulnerable by letting her keep the totality of her wages, that's £1,700pm, to just spend on food, clothes and extras for the children? By doing that, he's allowed her to pay off what must be thousands of debt. (Leaving aside she's now running up more credit card debt.) He's actually given her financial independence to control all her money she earns rather than having the headaches of covering household bills whilst paying off her creditors.

AbsoluteYawns · 18/02/2023 14:05

OP, this is financial abuse. Did you not see this before having your second child with this horrible person.
If it was me I would leave and get every penny I'm entitled to from the courts.
You deserve better treatment then this OP he sounds like scum.

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 14:05

I had a different reaction to everyone else. I always say have one shared account and you can do this after you’re married. You’ve paid off your debt (which he paid off for you with the agreement that you pay him back 600 in 200 a month installments) and you are on the way to improving your credit score. Ok that sounds good. He pays the mortgage on house he owns that you live in, he pays all bills, he is saving for a new house you both will jointly own, and you pay for groceries, children’s activities you chose, your car, and debt payments on which you only have two left, and your phone. Ok that too sounds reasonable. Why can’t he buy himself new sunglasses? You want to go back on your agreement. I think in this case the bills are divided fairly in proportion to your incomes. After you’re married, have just one shared account that you both decide together how to spend and that will resolve all your concerns about how money is used. But he’s been very generous and fair according to what you’ve told us.

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:05

Wow, I'd be outta there. This man is quite simply tight and not even embarrassed about it. To be earning that much more than you and making you scrimp over a few hundred quid. So what you got yourself into debt as a single parent its hardly the crime of the century, he's in the position to help you. Do you think this man loves you? I think its a shame you've gone this far with him.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:07

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:05

Wow, I'd be outta there. This man is quite simply tight and not even embarrassed about it. To be earning that much more than you and making you scrimp over a few hundred quid. So what you got yourself into debt as a single parent its hardly the crime of the century, he's in the position to help you. Do you think this man loves you? I think its a shame you've gone this far with him.

Why should the OP not be encouraged by her partner to pay off her debt? This is an absurd way to think of it. Do you think ‘the man’ should have paid off her debt as a gift/act of kindness?

TheRightDecisions · 18/02/2023 14:08

Wow, so you come with sex, food, cleaning, cooking, beautiful babies that help him claim to be a respectable doting father and family man, you are also free childcare, chef… do you also clip his toenails for him?

I hate to see fatherless children, but he doesn’t look after them, feed them, bathe them, from the sounds of it… does he play with them, teach them, take them to activities, plan or suggest activities for them?

Since you have your own job already, that you are managing alongside no childcare(!), would you be financially any worse off if you moved out, with the addition of child maintenance for two children? Let’s see how his fat wallet and big house plans will look then!

I couldn’t stand to see my partner going without necessarily maternity clothes and stressed out and crying from debt, and refuse to give them even one month’s delay! That is very cold hearted, and mean - in every sense of the word.

And then to tell you about his fat bonus whilst he knows what your condition is!

This is the kind of relationship where ten years down the line you may come out with nothing to show for it except for a loss of dignity and personal adult agency, being essentially infantilised and oppressed.

What he earns matters little, you are not benefiting from it if you are going without basic things.

I worry about his basic empathy.

You have differing attitudes to money. These things cannot usually be changed without one or the other partner becoming miserable.

Life’s too short for this kind of crap.

You only asked to simply delay one month, hardly the crime of the century.

zingally · 18/02/2023 14:08

As things currently stand, I would hold off on buying a house with this man.

BUT, I can a little bit see his point. You're a month in to paying off a debt, and ALREADY you're asking for a payment holiday? You probably agreed to pay too much per month, probably £100 would have been better.

But by already asking for a payment holiday, probably suggests to him that you're not taking the debt seriously and am looking for him to provide you with an easy financial ride.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/02/2023 14:09

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:02

Isn't that what cock lodgers say when they move in?

Utilities will have increased, the op works from home, I know here that it adds about £10 a week on to the electric, probably £15 a week on the gas because someone is in the house working, water will be significantly increased with extra people in the house. It simply isn't true that he would be paying the same on his own.

Christmaspyjamas · 18/02/2023 14:09

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:05

Wow, I'd be outta there. This man is quite simply tight and not even embarrassed about it. To be earning that much more than you and making you scrimp over a few hundred quid. So what you got yourself into debt as a single parent its hardly the crime of the century, he's in the position to help you. Do you think this man loves you? I think its a shame you've gone this far with him.

Interested how you calculated his disposable income to be greater than hers? Assuming mortgage of £800, council tax of £250, water, TV license, gas and electric totalling £200 and the house and contents insurance at £35 and him being a higher rate tax payer....she has more disposable income than him.

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 14:10

Want to add that the only thing unfair is having to go 50/50 on new mortgage and bills for future new house UNLESS he means that since you will have one joint account, all bills will naturally come out of the one account. Maybe it is you who doesn’t want to share one account as he’s been paying all housing bills up to now. He’s been paying for everything so you can spend your money however you choose, except for food which is only thing you pay that benefits him directly. I don’t think he’s been abusive at all. You say he wants to have one shared account and with him making more than you, that is exactly the definition of NOT being financially abusive.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 18/02/2023 14:10

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 13:58

Joint accounts are a bad idea.

Why?

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:11

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:07

Why should the OP not be encouraged by her partner to pay off her debt? This is an absurd way to think of it. Do you think ‘the man’ should have paid off her debt as a gift/act of kindness?

Of course, she is Cinderella, has now met her higher earning Prince, and going forward all should be paid for her.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 14:11

Ohjustboreoff · 18/02/2023 13:36

@twix23 so if you DP expects you to pay 50% of living expenses then you live within your means not his. Don't leave yourself short trying to live up to his earning power. Also if he wants 50/50 then he does 50% of the household tasks and 50% of the childcare including life admin. Only fair!!!
I bet he'll come around to putting more in the pot to live in a nicer place and to not do chores.
Explain to the waster how much a nanny, PA, housekeeper and private chef charge for their services.

You’re conveniently forgetting that he’s already putting the house he’s paid the mortgage on so far into the ‘pot’ to live in a nicer place, as well as a savings fund that the OP says he’s just put 3k of his bonus into. Given that she’s obviously accrued a fair bit of bad debt before they met, which he’s paid off, and allowed her to live rent free so she can pay off the rest, how exactly is he a ‘waster’ ?

I think the OP clearly doesn’t like the fact that her DP’s actions are making her take a closer look at her own finances and having to be more responsible to make sure her debts are paid by the time they are ready to take out a mortgage together. I think that’s what they are designed to do before he takes the, frankly, huge risk of linking himself to her financially. She says in her OP that they will have a joint account when the debts are paid and they have a mortgage together, and that she will be responsible for 50/50 of that, and household expenses. Why is that unreasonable given that she will have access to the joint account, and would have a 50% share of any assets should things go wrong ?

A lot of posters advising her to split from a man who could clearly offer her a better and more financially stable future than she’s had before, despite her having two children to him and despite the fact that she’s still in debt. And they’re basing that advice on the OP, which doesn’t given any detail about how she allowed the debt to get out of control, or how many times she defaulted on payments. I think her DP sounds much more financially responsible and he may well be party to information we don’t have, and that may be the reason for him acting the way he is - to make the OP more responsible in her spending habits.

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:12

@DontLikeMenthols yes I think she should be supported by her partner whos earning that much more than her in the same way I would expect a woman to who was earning that much more. Never mentioned gender in my comment so I don't know why you are? She's not got herself onto debt by betting her money away or spending it on alcohol. She was in a vulnerable position and the man who's meant to love her is teaching her a lesson for it when he could help her out and can afford to. There is such a thing as kindness in relationships I feel so sorry for so many of you with your tit for tat attitudes

Superfoodie123 · 18/02/2023 14:15

@Christmaspyjamas oh sorry I don't have my calculator out I'm not that invested. She earns 25k he earns 65k

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 14:15

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 14:10

Want to add that the only thing unfair is having to go 50/50 on new mortgage and bills for future new house UNLESS he means that since you will have one joint account, all bills will naturally come out of the one account. Maybe it is you who doesn’t want to share one account as he’s been paying all housing bills up to now. He’s been paying for everything so you can spend your money however you choose, except for food which is only thing you pay that benefits him directly. I don’t think he’s been abusive at all. You say he wants to have one shared account and with him making more than you, that is exactly the definition of NOT being financially abusive.

I agree, but for one issue. Given that he has paid the mortgage himself on a home that will presumably be sold for the deposit on a new one in joint names, and that he is putting money away in a fund for the new home, why is it unfair for the OP to contribute 50/50 ? If the relationship doesn’t work out, she will be entitled to 50% of assets, which up until the point they start paying a joint mortgage, she will have contributed nothing towards.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 14:16

Liorae · 18/02/2023 14:11

Of course, she is Cinderella, has now met her higher earning Prince, and going forward all should be paid for her.

😂 this really does sum up a good 60% of posters on here though! It scares me!

Thesharkradar · 18/02/2023 14:17

I couldn’t stand to see my partner going without necessarily maternity clothes and stressed out and crying from debt, and refuse to give them even one month’s delay! That is very cold hearted, and mean - in every sense of the word
I agree, his behaviour is not one of a partner who sees you as an equal his behaviour is that of a cruel lord and master.
You can't trust this person, he just wants to dominate and exploit you for his own game.

Humanswarm · 18/02/2023 14:18

If you are earning £25k and your debts have been paid off, besides the £200pcm for an extra two mo the to your dp, and your only expenditure is food, children's costs and phone...where is your money? Why is £200 a month to him going to set you back? Or have I misread something? I know single parents on £25k who manage..