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How do I tell him?

226 replies

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:12


Im in a mess and my partner doesnt know

i have lots of debt that i have been trying and failing to deal with.

im responsible for our families income and its fair to say that i have f*cked it up.

i have taken the big step of breaking it down and seeing where we are and its not good.

Monthly Income
Income Amount
Net Monthly Salary £ 150.00
Partner's Monthly Salary £ 1,500.00
Benefits £ 270.00

Essential Monthly Outgoings
Outgoing Amount
Mortgage/Rent £ 583.00
Council Tax £ 107.00
Electricity £ 25.00
Gas £ 25.00
Water Rates £ 40.00
Telephone £ 67.00
TV Licence £ 10.00
Basic Groceries £ 400.00
Petrol £ 200.00
Car Tax £ 17.00
Car Insurance £ 60.00
Other Travel £ 0.00
House Insurance £ 35.00
Entertainment £ 300.00
Clothing £ 50.00

Monthly Debts
Debt Total Debt Min Payment Rate
Overdraft £ 1,600.00 £ 0.00 0.10 %
Mint £ 1,148.62 £ 27.00 10.90 %
HSBC Gold £ 5,197.00 £ 148.00 14.90 %
Barclaycard £ 800.00 £ 20.00 17.90 %
Egg £ 6,000.00 £ 121.00 14.90 %
Next Directory £ 400.00 £ 40.00 10.00 %
TOTAL DEBT £ 15,145.62

I have been taking advice from people and ive started rejigging some of the debts to pay less per month but i think i need to take more drastic action to get out of this hole.

My dp knows nothing about it except that i have 3k on a credit card - when he found this out he went totally mad so i darent tell him of the real picture.

i dont have much of an income so i cant get a consolidation loan on my own but im very scared to tell him and cause problems in our relationship.

Would you tell? If so How?

If you see from the breakdown we are already living beyond our means before any of the minimum payments even come off


OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 14:18

Here are some practical things I would do:

  1. try to find a credit card on 0% for 6 or 12 months.....and transfer your credit card debt to that - your card rates are very very high
  2. try to find a low rate loan - might be a problem as you have no personal income......

    And try to talk to DH - not sure how yet - but will think abotu it for you
MancMum · 01/12/2004 14:22

OK , I have had a quick look and would make a few comments:

  1. Get 0% credit cards ASAP
  2. Your weekly expenses are very high in terms of groceries and entertainment - these could be cut back loads I would have thought - I have 2 kids and DH and me and we spend about half of your budget on food and entertainment... to each credit card to see about reducing min payments and poss reducing interest rates.
  3. What have you spent so much on - your DH must be aware of so much stuff coming into house when you have relatively low income? Might be worth talking to him about how you are worried that your expectations of standrds of living are too high and that you want to cut back.. maybe start slowly if you are scared to tell him whole story at once..

    Will think of more later but am at work... just want to help!
THEnorthstar · 01/12/2004 14:23

Liarliar, this worry will make you ill, it must be awful for you. Is there a monetary advice and budgeting service available to you? Contact the Citizens Advice Bureau they can help you. I was tempted to offer you various suggestions to earn some money but im thinking you really need some support first?

MancMum · 01/12/2004 14:24

also telephone is way high! look at getting a package NTL do one for 15 quid a month that gives you unlimited UK calls.. look at to check all utilities are as low as poss

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:25

Pathetic isnt it....

I must add that some of the debt that has accumulated is left over from being a single mum and then furnishing the house i bought to get on the property ladder (i made 50k on it - which gave us teh equity to buy our current family home)

Also 4k of the hsbc card debt belongs to my sister - she pays some of the minimum payment until she can afford to pay it back

I put in an inflated figure for groceries and entertainment as a worst case scenario - in reality we dont spend that much but have been known to - I wanted to do it that way to illustrate to myself we cant afford to keep going the way we do sometimes. For example Ive only spent 27 quid on food this week but some weeks it has been nearer 100.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 01/12/2004 14:27

Hi, are you sure all your essential outgoings are really essential? Is there any way you can cut back the $300 on entertainment and $50 on clothes a month. I don't know your situation re kids etc so it's hard to comment, but just an idea. What about shopping round for groceries too (again I don't know how many you are shopping for).

Sorry - put $ because the key for pounds isn't working!

SantaFio2 · 01/12/2004 14:27

sorry but looking at your rundown i think you need to cut back on entertainment and maybe get the food down a bit

then try and get a loan to cover the credit carsd and dont get any more ever!

then I think first and foremost you need to sit down and talk it over with your dp. You have not made this debt on your own and he has to take some responsibility for it plus it should be something you can discuss anyway.


We have got into a pickle over the lastfew years and we are having to release equity in the house to cover evrything but it also means we will havea high mortgage to pay and will have to be very sensible in future, sounds so grown up!

Caribbeanqueen · 01/12/2004 14:28

Sorry - I must be typing slowly today!

THEnorthstar · 01/12/2004 14:28

Liarliar please dont put yourself down, you have only got into debt for the "right reasons" ie not from gambling/drinking etc and you sound like the kind of person who will sort this out. The debt isnt overhigh, it CAN be sorted, and some small adjustments made to your lifestyle will help.

Do you feel able to tell your dh?

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:30

Sorry - I hope I havent given wrong impression with inflated bills - I just wanted to do it that way so i wasnt hiding anything from myself to give me a shock.

For example if im going to buy clothes i will spend about 50 quid but since the shit hit the fan i probably have only spent that in months including essentials for kids

again with food and entertainment i have made steps now to make sure its not that high - i have started economy shopping and an eating out ban is in place

the figures are worst case scenario of what i used to do before i realised i was f**king everything up

OP posts:
MarsselectionboxLady · 01/12/2004 14:30

No honey it's not pathetic, it's life. I think that you are being very brave to post this. I don't have anything different for you at the moment. I just want to send you lots of {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

I do agree that you should look at which suppliers you should be using and on another thread someone posted a web address for dealing with debt. But I can't remember the actual name of it. Probably worth a look at. Will try and look through the threads for you.

SantaFio2 · 01/12/2004 14:32

no dont feel pathetic! and you havent f*ed up, we are all guilty of it. At least you are doing something about it sweetie

LIZS · 01/12/2004 14:33

I doubt a consolidation loan would be the answer tbh. You need to see an impartial person at a CAB/Help Shop or ask them to refer you to a Debt Counsellor (not a financial adviser who stands to gain from whatever he recommends) who can get things into perspective and negotiate minimum payments on your behalf. Most companies would accept, say, £5 a month and even perhaps freeze the debt, rather than get nothing and end up going to court, but you have to stick to your side. Unfortunately you will only be in a position to do that with your partner's knowledge and support. You would both need to make cutbacks, on entertainment for example, in order to free up money to start paying them off.

If you can get to see someone quickly perhaps they can help you get it straight in your mind before you discuss it with your dp but otherwise I think you'll just have to come clean. Presumably he has benefitted from the expenditure, even though he may not have been fully aware of the implications.

Good luck

MancMum · 01/12/2004 14:34

This is not pathetic at all - it is so easy to get into debt just buying essentials... I have just paid of my last debt and now the only way I can survive is by using cash only and living on totally tight budget and managing every penny... have you used this website - I founbd it helpful

I think you need to get a plan on how to go forward sorted ASAP - talk to one of the agencies on this website - avoid consolidation loans like plague as they charge huge fees

popsycal · 01/12/2004 14:35

Reading between the lines, it seems to me that while the debt is obviously a big worry for you, the biggest issue is how to tell DH?

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:35

If you approach creditors to freeze your debt does that impact on your credit score? I have very good credit as havent missed any payments or anything (apart from 1 this month which prompted me to sort it out)

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:38

popsy yes the big fear is telling dp - i keep being told i have to and i know i really should but i really dont want to!

OP posts:
vict17 · 01/12/2004 14:39

I think you should explain to your sister your situation and say you can't afford to have her debt on your credit card any longer as it's not fair on you. Is there any thing you could sell on here or ebay?

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:41

My sister is in even worse dire straits than me - her house is on the market and she promises to clear it when it sells but until it does i dont know what else i can do

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/12/2004 14:42

Sorry LL, I don't know about credit ratings, but all the time you are accumulating interest upon the debts you are never going to make headway to clear them.

vict17 · 01/12/2004 14:43

could you ask your parents to help your sister?!!

vict17 · 01/12/2004 14:44

or better still could she? does she have a dp/dh?

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:45

My mum doesnt have much and my Dad we are a bit estranged from him at the moment.

My younger sister is due to come into some money in a fortnight as her inheritance from my late step father is coming in which could mean an interest free loan but i think my pride is too much to expect my baby sister to bail me out.

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:45

No, she doesnt have a DP

OP posts:
MarsselectionboxLady · 01/12/2004 14:49

honey when we were stuck my baby sister bailed us out. It's not a pride thing it's a family thing. Besides, what better way to let her know that as well as her leaning on you, you lean on her.

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