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Money matters

How do I tell him?

226 replies

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:12


Im in a mess and my partner doesnt know

i have lots of debt that i have been trying and failing to deal with.

im responsible for our families income and its fair to say that i have f*cked it up.

i have taken the big step of breaking it down and seeing where we are and its not good.

Monthly Income
Income Amount
Net Monthly Salary £ 150.00
Partner's Monthly Salary £ 1,500.00
Benefits £ 270.00

Essential Monthly Outgoings
Outgoing Amount
Mortgage/Rent £ 583.00
Council Tax £ 107.00
Electricity £ 25.00
Gas £ 25.00
Water Rates £ 40.00
Telephone £ 67.00
TV Licence £ 10.00
Basic Groceries £ 400.00
Petrol £ 200.00
Car Tax £ 17.00
Car Insurance £ 60.00
Other Travel £ 0.00
House Insurance £ 35.00
Entertainment £ 300.00
Clothing £ 50.00

Monthly Debts
Debt Total Debt Min Payment Rate
Overdraft £ 1,600.00 £ 0.00 0.10 %
Mint £ 1,148.62 £ 27.00 10.90 %
HSBC Gold £ 5,197.00 £ 148.00 14.90 %
Barclaycard £ 800.00 £ 20.00 17.90 %
Egg £ 6,000.00 £ 121.00 14.90 %
Next Directory £ 400.00 £ 40.00 10.00 %
TOTAL DEBT £ 15,145.62

I have been taking advice from people and ive started rejigging some of the debts to pay less per month but i think i need to take more drastic action to get out of this hole.

My dp knows nothing about it except that i have 3k on a credit card - when he found this out he went totally mad so i darent tell him of the real picture.

i dont have much of an income so i cant get a consolidation loan on my own but im very scared to tell him and cause problems in our relationship.

Would you tell? If so How?

If you see from the breakdown we are already living beyond our means before any of the minimum payments even come off


OP posts:
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 18:30

No I took it and said not to use it as there is no point spending on a credit card to just pay it off at the end of the month! May as well come out of the bank.

So no, as long as he has money to put petrol in the car, enough for a few beers with mates and play his footie subs he is happy and not bothered where it comes from.

OP posts:
alfiebetty · 01/12/2004 18:51

Back again. I think all of this advice is great. Liarliar if you haven't been hiding bills surely he must have some idea.

I have hidden mine, don't know how I've got away with it. All I could worry about when in hospital having dd, was whether he would open my post and see the truth.
I know all this lying is really bad but I tried to speak to dh about it I was paying £450per month towards mortgage and also £300 month on food and house stuff, but I wasn't working I had just started studying/working parttime.. tried to tell dh I couldn't afford to pay for these things but he just shouted at me ... so I just put it all straight on credit card, did that for about 1 year then just said " there's no way I can afford it" he eventually listened. We were also going through IVF at time, so didn't want to talk about it.

Sorry to hijack your thread Liarliar

popsycal · 01/12/2004 19:25

try to apply for a low interest card liarliar - is a good place to start

It is worth a try to see if they would give you one - they might not but it is worth a go. If all else fails, you have made a start by transferring your worst ones to a lowerinterest one today.

I still think you need to tell him....still thinking of the best way though

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 19:37

Popsy - wont it be detrimental to my credit rating to try and then be refused?

Just been hanging our new leather mirror (last credit card purchase) with DP and felt like saying "WHERE DO YOU THINK THE MONEY CAME FROM FOR THIS"

OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 19:38

erm - not sure on that one.......sorry :#(

LIZS · 01/12/2004 19:42

That is what I mean by you need to tell him before circumstances make you blurt it out.

chrismunnzieb · 01/12/2004 19:51

from experience, it's better to tell DH, mine was fab, just brilliant, I thought he would go mad as well, but we've managed slowly to sort our sleves out, we do use a DMA but we're paying one amount each month which suits us better than us sorting everything out and haveing 10 payments go out of the bank. I sat down with DH had worked to a strict plan of what we could spend. Our biggest problem was spending money twice with switch cards, now we take the money required from the bank at the start of the month and then work with cash.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 20:04

Very weird thing just happened but DP and I just had a conversation about money.

Originated from me ranting about 40 quid he wants to spend tomorrow night on a night out then he asked what our outgoings are, then we got onto cards etc.

I was about 70% truthful with him and said "well, more than i would like" lol

he said - about a grand?

i laughed and said, sorry but its way more than that - ive got all that that i used to have on cards remember

and he went oh right ok

i said i will have to work it all out but its ok - its manageable especially if we can concentrate on getting rid of them all now

he said he is going to cancel his pension at work and use that to put towards debt until its gone

i said "it might even be an idea to get a low interest loan to clear it then were not paying out more than we need in interest"

he went "yeah, we'll do that, makes sense to be paying less interest if we can - i really dont want to be paying interest on things"

So that is a big hurdle over but now I need to get more specific dont I!?

OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:05
kalex · 01/12/2004 20:06

Sweetie, DO NOT DO NOT stop putting into the pension¬!!!!!

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 20:08

why!?!?! surely we need to do without the pension for a couple of years and get out of this hole?????

OP posts:
wickedwinterwitch · 01/12/2004 20:13

LiarLiar, I haven't read all the thread but just wanted to say that IMO the cash coming into your household is not just his money - you being at home with the children is enabling him to go out and earn cash, I would consider it absolutely joint income. Anyway, I know how stressful it is being broke but I don't think it sounds that horrendous or unsortoutable either. Will try to find you the great money saving thread in a bit. Good luck.

kalex · 01/12/2004 20:14

Because, if you do, then your annual income at retirement will be affected.

Please somebody tell me I am wrong, would love to know that the fact I didn't pay inti a pension for ten years will be okay!!!

wickedwinterwitch · 01/12/2004 20:14

And if you're a couple and a family then the income is joint and so is the debt imo.

justwantedtoknow · 01/12/2004 20:14

liarliar, I know this is slightly off track (and not remotely helpful to you, sorry) but just wanted to ask, you mention in your first post that you are getting £270 in benefits? Could I ask what thats for specifically? Only asking cause we are in a similar position to you, and I'm now wondering if we are missing out on benefits we may be able to claim. Thanks.

prufRockingAroundtheXmasTree · 01/12/2004 20:14

Right - you have made a start. Do NOT stop puutting into the pension. Honestly. This debt is completely manageable now that you have faced up to it.

Is the Mint card in your name or his? Whichever, apply online for one in the other name. Same with Halifax and Sainsburys bank and Virgin. You can go to all their websites and apply in his or your name and they often tell you yes or no straight away, and what credit limit you can get. Go and apply NOW. And come back and tell us.

And tell your sister to apply for her own credit card as well and put her 4k on there. Is she paying the interest on your card as well?

If youcan then go to him with a "this is what We owe, this is how we are going to repay it" I'm sure it will be lots easier than you think.

prufRockingAroundtheXmasTree · 01/12/2004 20:16

ension savings are teh most tax efficient way to save. And your debts are not so high that you cannot get them down within the next couple of years, so it'snot worth stopping a pension for. Money you put into a pension now has so much more opportunity to grow and be worth something decent when you retire.

LIZS · 01/12/2004 20:16

That didn't sound too painful. Now get it all broken down and come up with some solutions - try to see the CAB/Debt Counsellor rather than a FA in the first instance. Not paying pension is very much a last resort. Is he still going out tomorrow ?

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 20:23

Right, SERIOUSLY think he must be reading this thread but HOW??? Hello darling if you are! Im so very sorry and grateful for your understanding!!

Just had another, rather surreal, CALM conversation.

he was saying we are a team now, whatever happened before happened but were in it together now and i can see youve changed and i understand there are good reasons why you got into debt

i said im frightened about how much its going to be, will you promise not to shout

he said i promise

i said do you really promise as i think it might be bad, he said i really promise - whatever it is, its there so we have to deal with it

Im happy with what Ive got, Ive got you, the two kids and this lovely house and lots of lovely things, I know that all came at a price and I know that you have made a big effort to change how you work with money - Im not finding clothes with tags still on for a start!!!

I said have you been on a how to be the best most supportive partner course or something and he just gave me a cuddle and said he had asked his boss for next years rota so we can set a date to get married!?!?!?

WTF is going on here!"?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:24

right tell him the amount - but also your plan for sorting it

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 20:24

Stumbling block on amount Im afraid - dont want to spoil the moment!

OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:25

say it is 20k....wait for reaction
then say nono haha its only XXXX

popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:26

or wait til tomorrow and produce a spreadsheet thingy...

wickedwinterwitch · 01/12/2004 20:26

Well that's really good! SO TELL HIM HOW MUCH! link{\Here's an old but useful money saving tips thread with apologies if you've read it before!}

alfiebetty · 01/12/2004 20:26

Liarliar it sounds like you should tell him you seem to be almost there...well done

I think you should try to carry on paying into pension... but not if you are going to go so deep in debt that you can't pay mortgage.

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