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How do I tell him?

226 replies

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:12


Im in a mess and my partner doesnt know

i have lots of debt that i have been trying and failing to deal with.

im responsible for our families income and its fair to say that i have f*cked it up.

i have taken the big step of breaking it down and seeing where we are and its not good.

Monthly Income
Income Amount
Net Monthly Salary £ 150.00
Partner's Monthly Salary £ 1,500.00
Benefits £ 270.00

Essential Monthly Outgoings
Outgoing Amount
Mortgage/Rent £ 583.00
Council Tax £ 107.00
Electricity £ 25.00
Gas £ 25.00
Water Rates £ 40.00
Telephone £ 67.00
TV Licence £ 10.00
Basic Groceries £ 400.00
Petrol £ 200.00
Car Tax £ 17.00
Car Insurance £ 60.00
Other Travel £ 0.00
House Insurance £ 35.00
Entertainment £ 300.00
Clothing £ 50.00

Monthly Debts
Debt Total Debt Min Payment Rate
Overdraft £ 1,600.00 £ 0.00 0.10 %
Mint £ 1,148.62 £ 27.00 10.90 %
HSBC Gold £ 5,197.00 £ 148.00 14.90 %
Barclaycard £ 800.00 £ 20.00 17.90 %
Egg £ 6,000.00 £ 121.00 14.90 %
Next Directory £ 400.00 £ 40.00 10.00 %
TOTAL DEBT £ 15,145.62

I have been taking advice from people and ive started rejigging some of the debts to pay less per month but i think i need to take more drastic action to get out of this hole.

My dp knows nothing about it except that i have 3k on a credit card - when he found this out he went totally mad so i darent tell him of the real picture.

i dont have much of an income so i cant get a consolidation loan on my own but im very scared to tell him and cause problems in our relationship.

Would you tell? If so How?

If you see from the breakdown we are already living beyond our means before any of the minimum payments even come off


OP posts:
lolliepops · 01/12/2004 17:00

i do think you need to tell your dp as soon as you can pluck up the courage. the letter is a good one mebys when he is off to work for a long shift so he has to read it and think about it instead of just blowing up at you, as lets face it this is probley gona happen. i think you need to simply detail in the letter just what you spent the money on to justify the debt. then you could get a loan and acsually pay this debt off instead of paying the intrest. how old are you and your dp??

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:05

I am 23 (almost 24!) and he is 24

OP posts:
SantaandtheReindeer · 01/12/2004 17:10

LL, how is your relationship in general?

popsycal · 01/12/2004 17:11

There are loads more solutions open to you if DH knows: changing mortgages, cheap rate loans to pay of high interest credit cards.....

alfiebetty · 01/12/2004 17:15

Liarliar I am in similar situation to you. I have about 10K in debts.. and haven't told DH, tried to 2 years ago but he got so angry that I lied about the amount since then have paid off about 4k. We had dd 4 months ago I only work part time earn about £600 month at least £250 of this goes on debts I pay for house stuff and every thing to do with baby DH has never offered any money.. so where does he think this money is coming from?? Haven't used credit cards for 2 yrs chopped them up. All in all wish I had told Hubby real amount originally. I am also thinking off telling DH, he threatened to leave me if I got into debt, but the strain gets worse not better.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:17

Oh no Alfiebetty - shall we get our bottle up and face them together and then move in with each other when they up and leave?

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lolliepops · 01/12/2004 17:19

if your are only 23 and 24 have 2 children own your own home. i would say a big well done to you. 15k off debt can be paid off and i am sure you will do this but i do feel you need to ride the storm with you dp. yes yous will fall out but at the end of the day the 15k isnt going anywhere untill you both face up to this obvistly you have and i am sure given time your dp will realise you are in this together and help you. big huggs x x x

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:23

Thanks lolliepops - call me overly optimistic but I like to look it at it as Wow look what i have achieved and accumulated a small amount of debt but I know I have to get real now!

4k is my sisters
1.5k is an old overdraft which he knows about so really i need to tell him that i owe 9.5k? which isnt TOO horrendous is it?

OP posts:
alfiebetty · 01/12/2004 17:26

Tell me about it...couldn't beleive your message when I saw it. I really want to tell but it's so hard. My sister thinks I shouldn't tell him.. I'll have to ask her why she said that.
Try to stay on top off repayments I didn't and missed a few payments about 18 months got myself into such a pickle. I want to transfer balance to cheaper credit card or loan but don't know whether I'll get credit.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:28

I have taken a little bit of action today.

I have cleared the Next directory as that was very high interest (24%) using my mint card (10.9%) which should bring monthly payments down. Have also cleared barclaycard (18.9%) with mint so I will be paying less interest.

OP posts:
alfiebetty · 01/12/2004 17:32

well done

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:34

Can you do the same alfie? Is there any room on any of your lower interest cards to shift some balance across?

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SantaFio2 · 01/12/2004 17:44

dont mean to preach, but I think honesty is the best policy as the problem can be sorted out then. If it is kept secret and only minimum are being paid off, money is being wasted and nothing is theoretically changing. I wish you both lots of luck. i am useless with money ands so is my dh so i know exactly where you are coming from

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 17:53

Im now starting to come round to the idea of him knowing and us battling it together as a united front BUT that is all very romantic the reality is he will go mad and might not understand.

I know this isnt entirely honest but I would find it harder to say that it is old debt I have kept hidden - can I have permission to use that instead of saying its stuff i have been accumulating til very recently?

OP posts:
MarsselectionboxLady · 01/12/2004 17:57

I think that you should be completely honest. Remember what Branster said? Also, have you cut up the cards that you've paid off? With Christmas coming temptation will be high because (if you're anything like me) you'll say "well just this once, only this little thing" and before you know it there it is again.

Branster · 01/12/2004 17:59

put it whatever way you feel it's best but make absolutely sure the final figure adds up to the £15K because that's what you need to work on paying back. You can dress it whatever way looks best to you as long as he knows how much money you need to pay back.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 18:04

I have cut up the barclay card I paid off today

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MarsselectionboxLady · 01/12/2004 18:05

I want Branster to be my mummy so that should I fall into trouble she will tell me what's for in a no nonsense loving manner. Works wonders for me.

Branster · 01/12/2004 18:06

and don't hang on the positive messages on here just to make yourself feel better. I agree everyone is being very nice and helpful, but now it's teh time for you to build on what you've got (and you have achieved very well both of you!well done!) not accumulate debt. Whereas it may be true lots of people have worst debt than you, it's not something to rest on. After all lots of people have affairs, and more than one, it doesn't mean if you have one it's not that bad. You suffer, nobody else. Nobody really cares, it's just you having to stress about all this that's why it needs to be addressed and resolved. Although nearly £2000 in every month looks like a lot, I understand how you overspend because it doens't strech to much once you pay for essentialls. I don't know what is the average sallary but life is expensive in the UK and most of the money go on paying taxes, insurances, morgages, utilities. It's just the way things are.
You'll come through this one way or another but don't feel it was a lucky escape just because everything will be paid off. Another of life's lessons, isn't it. Good luck!

LIZS · 01/12/2004 18:07

I don't think it would take long for him to work it out though. Surely if things were that bad when you applied for the mortgage it might have been an issue then or presumably it didn't come up, if you moved quite recently. You need to be honest really, if only to indicate that you need him to take a more active role in the family finances in future because you find it hard to balance the books atm. He is avoiding the responsibility by allowing you to do it.

Remember even by transferring those balances you are still accumulating interest rather than saving money long term, so your payments may not actually pay off much of the debt itself and that is the real problem. Perhaps remortgaging would be an option if you have equity and are not tied in to a penalty, but you need proper advice.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 18:11

Nothing came up on the mortgage when we moved here?

I wish I could get rid of sisters 4k then I can see more clearly when its off the statements.

Would rather not to have to explain that to him - would rather just present him with the accurate picture.

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 18:11

Just had a thought

Maybe he does know and doesnt care? I dont even hide statements - well, I file them away but they arent hidden IYSWIM

OP posts:
Branster · 01/12/2004 18:13

MarsselectionboxLady . And I kept well away so far from the 'Giving up smoking' threads so far! I'd have a few things to say on there too, not that I have anything against people who smoke but when someone wants to give up on something they need a bit of a sharp push to get them moving. I should become one of those motivational therapists, I think they earn an absolute fortune, then i could help Liarlier to pay off the cards!

Well done LL with your barclaycard and balance transfers! You still have a few left to cut though. just do it now, you're not going to use them anyway.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 18:15

The barclaycard was actually his before I got my hands on it it was cleared every month by him. I think he still believes that it is but it isnt It had 700 which I didnt spend, he did but thought it was getting dealt with each month (this was on petrol, groceries etc etc)

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/12/2004 18:25

Does he still have a Barclaycard then ? If so, won't you have to explain why he can't use it anymore.

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