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How do I tell him?

226 replies

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:12


Im in a mess and my partner doesnt know

i have lots of debt that i have been trying and failing to deal with.

im responsible for our families income and its fair to say that i have f*cked it up.

i have taken the big step of breaking it down and seeing where we are and its not good.

Monthly Income
Income Amount
Net Monthly Salary £ 150.00
Partner's Monthly Salary £ 1,500.00
Benefits £ 270.00

Essential Monthly Outgoings
Outgoing Amount
Mortgage/Rent £ 583.00
Council Tax £ 107.00
Electricity £ 25.00
Gas £ 25.00
Water Rates £ 40.00
Telephone £ 67.00
TV Licence £ 10.00
Basic Groceries £ 400.00
Petrol £ 200.00
Car Tax £ 17.00
Car Insurance £ 60.00
Other Travel £ 0.00
House Insurance £ 35.00
Entertainment £ 300.00
Clothing £ 50.00

Monthly Debts
Debt Total Debt Min Payment Rate
Overdraft £ 1,600.00 £ 0.00 0.10 %
Mint £ 1,148.62 £ 27.00 10.90 %
HSBC Gold £ 5,197.00 £ 148.00 14.90 %
Barclaycard £ 800.00 £ 20.00 17.90 %
Egg £ 6,000.00 £ 121.00 14.90 %
Next Directory £ 400.00 £ 40.00 10.00 %
TOTAL DEBT £ 15,145.62

I have been taking advice from people and ive started rejigging some of the debts to pay less per month but i think i need to take more drastic action to get out of this hole.

My dp knows nothing about it except that i have 3k on a credit card - when he found this out he went totally mad so i darent tell him of the real picture.

i dont have much of an income so i cant get a consolidation loan on my own but im very scared to tell him and cause problems in our relationship.

Would you tell? If so How?

If you see from the breakdown we are already living beyond our means before any of the minimum payments even come off


OP posts:
wickedwinterwitch · 01/12/2004 20:26

Pants! I meant HERE!

lulupop · 01/12/2004 20:31

Hi LL, was about to post some advice/sympathy but just rwad your last post and... CONGRATULATIONS!
Great news. Just make sure the weeing doesn't land you in more debt!

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 20:37

I think I might give him a BJ tonight and tell him just before crucial moment

Im in shock to be honest???

So do you think I should apply for some 0% cards to spread it onto? 1 or many?

OP posts:
popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:41

just go for the bj...

popsycal · 01/12/2004 20:42

seriously though....apply for 1 0% credit card as a short term fix, but look into getting a cheap loan - not a 'consolidation' one,,,,,just a decent cheap one

justwantedtoknow · 01/12/2004 20:57

liarliar did you see my question? Thanks....

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 21:21

Justliketoknow - sorry didnt mean to ignore you!

The benefits I have listed are child benefit for 2 kids plus a payment of 35 per week from DD's dad in maintenance.

OP posts:
Branster · 01/12/2004 21:30

Wow! What a lot has been going on. What a lovely bloke he is. Now for the advice bit:

  1. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT CANCEL THE PENSION PAYMENTS. His final pension (which may well be what both of you will have to live on in not that a distanced future) will be affected. what if he feels like taking early retirement, all these few years since he's been working count towards the final figure. if he works in a government related job (i.e. police, governmental institution etc) then he would have a pretty good pension from them and it's not worth spoiling that. Kalex is spot on.
    2)The way these online applications for credit work is a bit like this: fill in all the boxes and get a yes or no answer. Then you need to fill in paper forms with all incoming and outgoing money. If on your name you'll be obliged to put down £150 and that's not going to get you much credit, if any because you'd have to put down payments you make regularly as well. You may well choose to put down benefits money if in your name but they may not be considered as reliable income. Even if say DH was to set up a standing order for you to go in the account regulalrly for a substantial sum of money, it still may not be income you can prove reliably. So you may well get declined the credit at a later data. then when you apply for something else they would probably ask if you've ever been refused credit and you'll have to say yes because they can probably check the information. basically, if you apply yourself it might be risky. Worth a try but risky and puts your credit scoring in a bad light.
    3)has he got any loands, credit cards you do not know of by any chance?
    4)Now that it's all out in the open, tommorow morning sort out all the figures, all statements in order (or how many you want him to see) and get some ideas for loans at cheap rate or credit card deals and tell him you've looked though it and you were amazed at how complicated all is, you knew it was a lot of money but didn't realise how bad it was until you wrote it all down. then take it from there.
    5)Whatever happens, do not spend on credit cards in the future unless you can pay them in full. You're too young to be worrying about such problems when you should be enjoying DH and the kids and the nice life you have. it's all going well now, stop hiding it from him and however you tell him, bit by bit or all out at once, tell him the exact figures.
  2. I'm afraid DS would have to take out a loan or credit card or something and pay you back in full. You have a family and are responsible for your own kids not for her. her problem full stop.
    8)defo go for a BJ
    9)Mr Liarliar, if you are indeed reading all this, must tell you you'll get lucky tonight and you're a very nice chap and lucky to have such a lovely woman by your side. Good luck for the future! And keep the pension!
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 21:36

Branster - you have been the saviour of the day ( along with all the other brilliant advice, can I also give a special mention to one particular MNETTER you know who are for talking to me at length off board about this )

I dont think I will bother applying for anything in my name BUT what do you think is the best way to tackle it in his name (with his full permission of course). 0% deals or cheap loan?

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 21:37

BTW He works for the NHS - is he likely to have a good pension?

OP posts:
emMerryChristmastmg · 01/12/2004 21:40

Liar liar, I bet he'll wish he did read this now. All these women urging you to give him a BJ.

We're a thoughtful bunch, aren't we?

No advice from me but branstar seems to have to all sussed.

MarsselectionboxLady · 01/12/2004 21:42

I told you that I wanted branster to be my mummy!

Branster · 01/12/2004 21:46

Because we're talking £15K, I'd say a loan is better. Even £9K is probably for a loan (when sister pays off). I know people keep transferring credit cards all the time but I would be worried about how often you can do that. What if something else happens and all this credit scoring goes bad and then you can't get a new card you end up with what essentially is a loan for 12-17%apr which is a lot when normal loans have much lower aprs.5%-10% depending on lender or borrower profile.
Hmm I don't know about the NHS. I know people who work for the governement (council, big governmental organisations, police) get good pensions but don't know speciffically about the NHS. However he should know, have some paperwork about it where it says what percentage of the final salary his pension is going to be per month. Does he get a lump sum at the end of his career(which would be a percentage or twofold etc of the final salary) and how is that paid. Has he got life insurance with them etc. All these add up to a good package. I don't know anyone well enough working for the NHS to ask them about it. maybe there's a website for recruiting new staff for the NHS where they give you an idea about their pensions. Alos, do his work offer some kind of loan scheme at a special rate etc.

Branster · 01/12/2004 21:48

MarsselectionboxLady I'll be your mummy when you get into trouble start a thread and we'll get it sorted!

FrostyTheSurfMum · 01/12/2004 22:04

The NHS pension is an excellent one. Whenever I've seen a financial adviser they haven't sold me any pensions as they can't match it. I will have a rummage to see what info I have on it. Your dh's employer's Trust HQ will have a pensions officer who he can contact about it.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 22:09

So would a year out of the pension really impact on it then? He pays in 140 a month.

OP posts:
StuffTheMagicTurkey · 01/12/2004 22:09

If the pension is index linked (as the teachers one is (another public sector job)), then it will be very very good.

FrostyTheSurfMum · 01/12/2004 22:10

Blimey - that's surprised me. Went straight to "A Guide to the NHS Pension Scheme".

The Scheme provides:

a pension and a tax free lump sum when you retire

life assurance cover

voluntary early retirement benefits

ill health retirement benefits

redundancy benefits

family benefits

options to increase your benefits

The benefits are guaranteed by law to be there when you become entitled to them.

Pension benefits are based on salary and length of membership of the scheme. They are worth around 20% of pa overall but only cost around 3.5% of pay for most members.

1/80th of your pay at retirement for each year and part year of scheme membership

Tax free lump sum on retirement equal to 3 times your pension

..... and so it goes on.

Anything else you want me to look up?

StuffTheMagicTurkey · 01/12/2004 22:16

yes, this is why the not paying in for a year could be very very risky. I don't know whether you would lose all the protection that you get eg the life assurance etc during that period. Its really important to check before making the decision.

FrostyTheSurfMum · 01/12/2004 22:24

Have now found a website in the booklet for you:

sorry can't work out how to do the link thing.

Booklet does seem to be strongly advising against leaving the scheme, and if I've read it right you will lose the life assurance.

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 22:32

Crikey - had better rethink that one then!

OP posts:
FrostyTheSurfMum · 01/12/2004 22:47

Sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

I go along with the others re a 0% interest credit card. I have a low income so apply for a joint card in my husband's name with me as 2nd card holder. I've just switched to Virgin who are doing 0% for 9 months and it was all done on-line. Capital One gave us a £10,000 spending limit but I'm afraid I can't remember what incomes I put in when I applied. DH is self-employed and I think I probably put my salary for when I was on a year's maternity leave... but neither of us are really well paid.

popsycal · 02/12/2004 09:10

my suggestions (although i cant top branster's excellent advice!!)

  1. write down, as you did at the start of the thread) exactly what you owe to whom....
  2. think about practical ways to cut your spending.....go on an online supermarket site for example, and go through the motions of exactly what you need each week and proce it up - allow yourself a couple of mini-luxuries as a treat for your hard work
  3. assign yourself and dh 'pocket money' - that is the money you can spend on yourself....whether it is a night out, beers in the house, a take away etc. This is how my mum budgeted when we were kids (although my dad got pocket money and she didnt - thats a whole other thread though!)
  4. Clothes for the kids - do they really REALLY need extra clothes? Ask relatives to buy clothes for christmas? DOn't know how old your kids are, but we have some good condition boys toddler clothes if that is any help!
  5. Invite friends round rather than going out
  6. buy things like asda own brand washing powder etc etc etc - not much different (unlss kids have allergies etc)
  7. sit down tonight and go through the fine details with dh - how much you owe but also your solutions - have it written down on paper - wont seem such a problem if you are part way onto solving it
  8. my suggestion is a cheap loan in dh's name (or joint names if you feel happier with this) - he will qualify for a decent rate loan for most of what you owe - look on
  9. your sisters debt - does she realise the problems you are having? It is a tricky situation. Will she not qulaify for a credit card/loan of her own? Does she work? Is there anyone else who can help her out?
  10. did he get his bj?
Branster · 02/12/2004 18:42

How is it going Liarliar? Is everything OK? Did you talk to DP? What about that bj you promised for him?

cariboo · 02/12/2004 21:03

Hi liarliar. So sorry to read of your worries. I printed out your message to show to dh (who works in finance). He offered to make some notes on helping you to get out of your troubles, but I wanted to check if you're interested.

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