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Money matters

How do I tell him?

226 replies

LiarLiar · 01/12/2004 14:12


Im in a mess and my partner doesnt know

i have lots of debt that i have been trying and failing to deal with.

im responsible for our families income and its fair to say that i have f*cked it up.

i have taken the big step of breaking it down and seeing where we are and its not good.

Monthly Income
Income Amount
Net Monthly Salary £ 150.00
Partner's Monthly Salary £ 1,500.00
Benefits £ 270.00

Essential Monthly Outgoings
Outgoing Amount
Mortgage/Rent £ 583.00
Council Tax £ 107.00
Electricity £ 25.00
Gas £ 25.00
Water Rates £ 40.00
Telephone £ 67.00
TV Licence £ 10.00
Basic Groceries £ 400.00
Petrol £ 200.00
Car Tax £ 17.00
Car Insurance £ 60.00
Other Travel £ 0.00
House Insurance £ 35.00
Entertainment £ 300.00
Clothing £ 50.00

Monthly Debts
Debt Total Debt Min Payment Rate
Overdraft £ 1,600.00 £ 0.00 0.10 %
Mint £ 1,148.62 £ 27.00 10.90 %
HSBC Gold £ 5,197.00 £ 148.00 14.90 %
Barclaycard £ 800.00 £ 20.00 17.90 %
Egg £ 6,000.00 £ 121.00 14.90 %
Next Directory £ 400.00 £ 40.00 10.00 %
TOTAL DEBT £ 15,145.62

I have been taking advice from people and ive started rejigging some of the debts to pay less per month but i think i need to take more drastic action to get out of this hole.

My dp knows nothing about it except that i have 3k on a credit card - when he found this out he went totally mad so i darent tell him of the real picture.

i dont have much of an income so i cant get a consolidation loan on my own but im very scared to tell him and cause problems in our relationship.

Would you tell? If so How?

If you see from the breakdown we are already living beyond our means before any of the minimum payments even come off


OP posts:
Branster · 03/12/2004 13:31

Are you OK Liarliar??? have you told him yet? How did he react?

polkadot · 03/12/2004 16:05

Hi LL, I've just read this and am so sorry to hear that you are having these problems. Please excuse me if I'm repeating what other people have suggested but I haven't been able to read through all of the posts because you've had so many.

Why don't you go to the CAB before you consider anything else? Not only are they free and impartial, but they've a great deal of experience in helping people to manage/resolve their debts and will probably be able to do a lot to help you including negotiating with your creditors.

Your husband is going to find out about the debt in any case and will probably freak because you have kept a major family problem from him and because he is frightened of the responsibility that he will feel for getting you and the family out of the situation. Not only that, but he may get you into further debt with spending over the Christmas period if he thinks that you are better off than you are and I'm sure that neither of you would want this to happen.

If you've already been to the CAB then when you tell him about the debt you can immediately follow it up with the plan that they have helped you to devise. This should, hopefully, go some way to calming him down. Even though you are more than capable of taking some steps immediately, I would wait to discuss this plan with your husband before doing anything at all so as to let him make some decisions and give him the feeling that he is regaining some control over what is happening.

Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

LiarLiar · 03/12/2004 19:41

Hi Everyone

Sorry Ive been a bit quiet!

Im still yet to give DP the actual figure WIMP EMOTICON but in my defence Ive told him most of everything else ie were in a lot of debt and I want his help - he has been BRILLIANT so far, so much better than I could have hoped but all this means nothing until he knows how much. I keep pretending that I need to sit down and figure it all out. We have barely seen each other since I told him as he has been at work, on a night out and on a nightshift and Ive been out at work too. He is due in at 9.30 tonight and I think I will break him into it gently by saying its well over 7k and see how he responds to that!

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 03/12/2004 19:45

Cariboo - that would be a wonderful help if your DH would be willing to do that - thank you.

I got some new boots today for £80 - luckily they are a birthday present but being at the shops and the temptation to get the cards out was immense - wonder if I am actually a mild shopaholic, I had a few moments where I thought "Oh F*CK it, its only 1 more thing" but I thought of you girls and all this advise, I dont want to take the piss and just ignore it - I AM GOING TO SORT THIS OUT.

The way Im thinking at the moment is to get DP to apply for a 0% card for 9 months, get as much of the debt down as possible by throwing all available money at it then at the end of that term getting a low cost loan. What do you think?

Im wary about consulting CAB or anything as I dont really want them to negotiate with my creditors or have interest frozen - we arent struggling to pay at the moment just resenting the amount that we have to pay out and I feel SURE that them contacting the creditors will badly affect my credit rating?? Can anyone confirm this?

OP posts:
LiarLiar · 03/12/2004 19:46

Oh and no, he didnt get a BJ! Bad, bad liar liar - I was pretty exhausted after staying up so late reading the motley fool website and doing lots of sums.

OP posts:
partywigandredrobe · 03/12/2004 20:09

Message deleted

LiarLiar · 03/12/2004 20:15

Thanks wigandrobe - rather than it effect it at all surely its best to try and avoid that route where possible?

OP posts:
partywigandredrobe · 03/12/2004 20:20

Message deleted

Juliehafrancis · 03/12/2004 21:09

Haven't really any advice to give Liarliar but just wanted to give you my support. I really hope things work out for you. Please keep us updated..

Take care,


fruitcake · 03/12/2004 23:00

Hi liarliar, will ask dh to write down suggestions which I'll forward to you asap. (he's snoring away in the living room at the moment - so will have to wait 'til tomorrow). BTW, changed name for Xmas or maybe forever. Hang in there!

prufRockingAroundtheXmasTree · 04/12/2004 09:38

Apply for as many 0% deals as you need to get all the cc debt transferred. If you maintain payments applying for lots of cards will NOT affect your rating. It may make credit card providers refuse you after a while, but only because they see that you are not a profitable (for them) customer. To give you an idea of how much you can get away with, we currently have 7 credit cards, with a total of £63,000 on 0% deals. I have closed another 7 in the last 3 years when 0% deals ran out. (I am v. disciplined, and transfer our total credit card spending to a special savings account so that I could pay them all off if needed)
You will find that your monthly payments will go a lot further when you no longer have to pay any interest.
Do make sure though that when you get new cards, you cut them up as soon as you have transferred a balance onto them so that you are not tempted to shop.

tigermoth · 05/12/2004 09:26

Liarlair, well done so far.

In the 18 years I've been with my dh, I have had to have talks with him of a worrying financial nature several times. I do the family finances and really hate this responsibility, have asked dh to do it, but he won't take it over.

Anyway, I do the pre talk warning thing before the 'big talk', just like you have been doing - preparing the ground as it were. I have worried how he'll react to bad news, and so far have been amazed that after any initial shock and anger, he has been ok (we are still together after all these years anyway). I have put his better than expected reactions down to the fact that every time, he has had an inkling that things are not good, that the incomings and outgoings are a worry, but he has pushed it to the back of his mind and is waiting for me to tell him.

Also, a most important thing, I try to concentrate on options and solutions, not the problem itself, as in that old saying, 'bring me the solution, not the problem'. I would urge you to do lots of research, as you have been doing, and be very clear about the best options for you (lots of excellent advice on this thread to use). So when you have further talks with your dh, you can show him you've really researched ways to get yourselves back on track.

Good luck. Your dh sounds fab!

jordylass · 06/12/2004 23:23

Hi LL, it was great to read thru your message. I came onto the board after my DP banged all the doors and stormed off upstairs.
Our situation is much worse than yours £50,000 of debt and the CAB say the best (only) option is for us to sell the house as it has plenty of equity in it to cover the debts.
I was also a high earner (self employed) until March this year, since then I've been unemployed and have been telling him that things are getting very difficult, although he doesn't seem to have heard me.
I've been asking if we can consider moving to a cheaper house, pay off the debts and have vitually no mortgage, but I just get "you got us in to this situation, you'll have to get us out", and tonight after I'd spoken to the advice line and told him what they'd said it was "well, now you've completly f*ed us up".
He won't consider moving and blames me completly for the debts, (although he didn't mind spending the money).
He knows like me that something drastic will have to be done, or our house will be repossed, but he won't take any responsibility for the debts, and blames me totally, I can love with that if he'd agree to some form of action, but he won;t even discuss it, just leaves the room and stuff.
From your talks with your man, I hope you can sort it out together.

AtHomeMum · 06/12/2004 23:43

good luck liarliar

another thought - sell any stuff you don't want on ebay & so pay off your debts more quickly.

revert to student approach - use only cash & if you haven't got any you can't spend anything.

fruitcake · 07/12/2004 10:44

Haven't forgotton you, Liarliar. Am thinking of you as I address 400 envelopes (by hand!) for a friend who runs a small business. What we won't do for a bit of cash, eh? Well, yes, there are certain limits! Grin

DH is an incredible procrastinator but has promised me he will write TONIGHT.

Meanwhile, back to the envelopes. Sigh!

Peckarollover · 07/12/2004 16:45


This is me coming out! I am liarliar :(

Getting sick of swapping my name about.

DP has asked me tonight to get the paperwork out to work out a plan


fruitcake · 07/12/2004 17:30

Don't worry, Peckaroll. DH will help you but he's not home yet. I'm glad you've come out... Liarliar is not a good name for you. Grin

popsycal · 07/12/2004 19:11

Glad you have come out too....

I was thinking the other day - when i was a student, I used to write down everything i spent t keep track of things. Bit more tricky when you are a mam etc but worth a thought

Peckarollover · 07/12/2004 19:21

i NEED to think of ways to make money from home - I do well at my bodyshop/mini iq but because DP's shifts are so unpredictable its very hard to be able to get out and do them

Any ideas anyone?

Im only looking to make about £200 a month

SenoraPostrophe · 07/12/2004 19:22

Good luck Pecka.

Another thing that may help is to hide your credit and debit cards and use cash only - it helps you keep track better and somehow it's harder to hand over a wodge of notes than it is to give out a card. I do this when money is tight.

You'll find a way out.

SenoraPostrophe · 07/12/2004 19:23

earning from home: become a childminder?

Tinker · 07/12/2004 19:27

Catalogue deliveries? Flower deliveries?

Peckarollover · 07/12/2004 19:28

I was thinking about registering as a child minder and doing a school drop off and pick up service for a couple of kids?

Peckarollover · 07/12/2004 19:30

Who would I deliver for? At the moment I am a Bodyshop at home consultant and also Mini IQ - doing parties which is great, I do earn money off these when I can book parties but none of it is reliable as there is only so many times I can ask my Mum to babysit! DP is either at work or football :(

Tinker · 07/12/2004 19:33

Next, La Redoute etc. You can take kids with you in car?

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