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Original poster

Ex received child benefit for 4 years

136 replies

accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 10:47

We have four children together, and split four years ago. Recently our eldest child turned 18 and my ex admitted that he'd been getting the child benefit for one of our kids since we split up. He asked me because he didn't know if it was for the child who turned 18. It wasn't. It's for ds3 (15) who hasn't stayed with him for two and a half years.

I hadn't realised because I didn't calculate what I should have been receiving - it was the same when we were together. It was an oversight on my part and I was completely unaware. I receive the CB for our other children.

It amounts to thousands of pounds. I challenged him and he said he'd pay it into my account monthly if I started collecting our son from his house. Only one of our children will stay with him. He didn't respond to my asking about paying back the money. We have a hostile relationship and don't co-parent. There was emotional abuse throughout the relationship and since it ended.

I'm very depressed and I've been suicidal of late, struggling a lot. How do I tackle this situation without it affecting my mental health? I have just bought a house and the money is very needed. I don't know where to start but this is MY money. Help please.

OP posts:
pastabest · 26/03/2022 10:55

I would take the stance that you haven't actually missed it so far and therefore it's probably not worth the hassle trying get back the less than £3k he's had over the last 4 years in child benefits.

You can contact the benefits people yourself and ask for any future payments to be paid to you.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:21

@pastabest

I would take the stance that you haven't actually missed it so far and therefore it's probably not worth the hassle trying get back the less than £3k he's had over the last 4 years in child benefits.

You can contact the benefits people yourself and ask for any future payments to be paid to you.

I'm a single mum of four and I am struggling. 3k means a lot to me. I am supposed to just let it go?
OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 26/03/2022 11:23

Any parent with PR can claim child benefit. You need to move on, you didn’t miss the money.

BurrosTail · 26/03/2022 11:25

Threaten to report him for fraud if the child hasn’t lived with him.

LittleBirdBlu · 26/03/2022 11:26

I agree with pp you didn't even notice so you didn't miss it. You need to let it go, contact CB offices and start claiming it yourself.

DeliaDinglehopper · 26/03/2022 11:26

I don’t think you can do anything about it. If you complained, your ex would have to pay it back to the state but you wouldn’t get it backdated that far. It sounds upsetting but I think you need to take responsibility for your oversight and let it go.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:26

@MyDcAreMarvel

Any parent with PR can claim child benefit. You need to move on, you didn’t miss the money.
The government website says that the majority resident parent should receive it. It's nothing to do with PR.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:28

@BurrosTail

Threaten to report him for fraud if the child hasn’t lived with him.
I am tempted. I think he's also gone over the 50K limit - would he have declared that? I don't want to blackmail but he's trying to negotiate with me. I'm angry with him.
OP posts:
Footballsundays6777 · 26/03/2022 11:29

Honestly to not let it impact on your MH I would leave it and move on. Dwelling on it will impact on your MH.

Thoosa · 26/03/2022 11:29

I don’t see what you can actually do.

He is not going to be reasonable about it and hand the money over, because he isn’t a reasonable person.

You could raise it with child benefit, but the best possible outcome is probably that they’ll bill him for the overpayment because he wasn’t entitled. I doubt they’ll back-award it to you, because you didn’t claim it or raise a query earlier. You could try, I suppose, but it’s just going to cause more friction and you’re not likely to get the money.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 11:30

What's the percentage the children stay at each home. You said this child hasn't stayed, but have others?

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:30

@LittleBirdBlu

I agree with pp you didn't even notice so you didn't miss it. You need to let it go, contact CB offices and start claiming it yourself.
How can I miss what I didn't know I should have had? That make no sense. It's fundamentally unfair to me and to my child. It's money that I could have spent on my child. For years.
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 11:30

Is it money he has been spending on the child therefore all as it should be?

Teenangels · 26/03/2022 11:31

I would let it go as well, is it worth the stress for money you have not missed.
I think it will cause you more mental stress than what it's worth.
Just put a claim in for the money and move forward.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:31

@MichelleScarn

What's the percentage the children stay at each home. You said this child hasn't stayed, but have others?
The benefit is in the name of the child who stopped staying with him some years ago. He currently has one of our children 5 nights a fortnight. That's it.
OP posts:
Thoosa · 26/03/2022 11:32

How can I miss what I didn't know I should have had?

The child benefit unit will most likely argue that it was your responsibility to check your claim and check the amounts.

Who is it you want to dispute it with? Them or him?

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:33

@Thoosa

I don’t see what you can actually do.

He is not going to be reasonable about it and hand the money over, because he isn’t a reasonable person.

You could raise it with child benefit, but the best possible outcome is probably that they’ll bill him for the overpayment because he wasn’t entitled. I doubt they’ll back-award it to you, because you didn’t claim it or raise a query earlier. You could try, I suppose, but it’s just going to cause more friction and you’re not likely to get the money.

The money has been paid out so they wouldn't pay it out again. Very true. But he has been fraudulently taking CB he shouldn't have received.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:34

@MichelleScarn

Is it money he has been spending on the child therefore all as it should be?
No. He hasn't spent any money on the child other than birthday/Christmas. He pays his maintenance.
OP posts:
DeliaDinglehopper · 26/03/2022 11:34

You’d probably find, if you argue the point, that the child benefit office would award him the child benefit for the one that stays with him nearly half the time anyway. It’s what they seem to do with shared care cases and go off the flimsiest of evidence.

You made a mistake. You didn’t claim properly. That isn’t your ex’s fault. An expensive mistake, yes, but your mistake.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:35

@Thoosa

How can I miss what I didn't know I should have had?

The child benefit unit will most likely argue that it was your responsibility to check your claim and check the amounts.

Who is it you want to dispute it with? Them or him?

I am tempted to say I will report him for fraud if he doesn't agree to pay it back to me. It is fraud.
OP posts:
autumnboys · 26/03/2022 11:38

He is in the wrong here and he knows it. To claim 25% of the CB while having 1 child five nights a week is wrong. However, he sounds abusive and toxic and you say you are struggling with your mental health, I don’t think the fight will be worth the price. Contact CB, get it corrected and try to move on. Flowers

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:38

@DeliaDinglehopper

You’d probably find, if you argue the point, that the child benefit office would award him the child benefit for the one that stays with him nearly half the time anyway. It’s what they seem to do with shared care cases and go off the flimsiest of evidence.

You made a mistake. You didn’t claim properly. That isn’t your ex’s fault. An expensive mistake, yes, but your mistake.

He claimed the benefit in the first place when we were together. I claimed for the other 3. It all went into joint money. I should have checked, yes. The stress and abuse he put me through after we split is the reason why. And he knew because he still received the money. He's known for years. It's morally wrong if legally correct.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:40

@autumnboys

He is in the wrong here and he knows it. To claim 25% of the CB while having 1 child five nights a week is wrong. However, he sounds abusive and toxic and you say you are struggling with your mental health, I don’t think the fight will be worth the price. Contact CB, get it corrected and try to move on. Flowers
He's trying to gaslight me again into accepting it. As he's done for 23 years.

He has one child 5 nights a fortnight not a week. Yes he is toxic. I just - I need the money if I've any chance of pushing him into doing the right thing.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 26/03/2022 11:41

@accessorizequeen yes you should have received the CB however as he had PR he could claim. If you had counter claimed and proved child lived with you the CB would have then gone to you instead.

dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 11:42

It's not fraud if he pays an amount equal to or more than the child benefit amount to care for the child. He was perfectly entitled to claim for 1 of the children

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