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Original poster

Ex received child benefit for 4 years

136 replies

accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 10:47

We have four children together, and split four years ago. Recently our eldest child turned 18 and my ex admitted that he'd been getting the child benefit for one of our kids since we split up. He asked me because he didn't know if it was for the child who turned 18. It wasn't. It's for ds3 (15) who hasn't stayed with him for two and a half years.

I hadn't realised because I didn't calculate what I should have been receiving - it was the same when we were together. It was an oversight on my part and I was completely unaware. I receive the CB for our other children.

It amounts to thousands of pounds. I challenged him and he said he'd pay it into my account monthly if I started collecting our son from his house. Only one of our children will stay with him. He didn't respond to my asking about paying back the money. We have a hostile relationship and don't co-parent. There was emotional abuse throughout the relationship and since it ended.

I'm very depressed and I've been suicidal of late, struggling a lot. How do I tackle this situation without it affecting my mental health? I have just bought a house and the money is very needed. I don't know where to start but this is MY money. Help please.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 26/03/2022 11:42

@accessorizequeen he didn’t commit fraud many people split CB and he did have the child sometimes.

pastabest · 26/03/2022 11:42

He hasn't committed fraud. He hasn't lied to anyone. He's claimed child benefit for an eligible child he is the father of. You didn't dispute this at any point. He can still claim it even if he is over the threshold he just has to pay it back again in his tax. Lots of families claim it who are over the threshold so that the stay at home parent still gets national insurance contributions made.

dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 11:44

From CB eligibility page

You’ll usually be responsible for a child if you live with them or you’re paying at least the same amount as Child Benefit (or the equivalent in kind) towards looking after them, for example on food, clothes or pocket money.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:45

@pastabest

He hasn't committed fraud. He hasn't lied to anyone. He's claimed child benefit for an eligible child he is the father of. You didn't dispute this at any point. He can still claim it even if he is over the threshold he just has to pay it back again in his tax. Lots of families claim it who are over the threshold so that the stay at home parent still gets national insurance contributions made.
He's claimed child benefit for years for a child who doesn't ever live with him. How is that not fraudulent?
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:47

@dementedpixie

It's not fraud if he pays an amount equal to or more than the child benefit amount to care for the child. He was perfectly entitled to claim for 1 of the children
He doesn't pay to care for the child. He's never given him pocket money or paid for clothes for him etc aside from presents at birthday and Christmas.
OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 11:47

Did he pay towards the child even if they didn't live with him? Or towards any of the other children who did stay with him?

titchy · 26/03/2022 11:49

Don't take the word of MNers on eligibility - phone the CB office yourself and let them know and get the claim moved back to you. Ask them if it is fraud. Report him if so.

TulipsfromAsda · 26/03/2022 11:49

You've got a better chance of getting some of it from him if you don't report him for fraud surely!

He's claimed child benefit for years for a child who doesn't ever live with him. How is that not fraudulent?
You've said he pays maintenance so as Pixie says he can claim CB if he pays maintenance. He is paying towards the dc through maintenance.

Morally he's wrong though.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/03/2022 11:49

How did you not know he was claiming for one child if you were aware enough to claim for the others?

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:50

@dementedpixie

Did he pay towards the child even if they didn't live with him? Or towards any of the other children who did stay with him?
He pays maintenance. Makes no other payment towards their costs. Has occasionally bought clothes for one child.
OP posts:
Chloemol · 26/03/2022 11:50

Look you haven’t had the money for however many years, yes it would be good to have now but is it really worth the hassle and the impact on your mental health?

The hassle of trying to get the money off him, being blackmailed into doing stuff toget it and the rest will only make it worse for you

Report it to benefits, get it changed to you now and see if they can get it back from him as you can prove the child was with you

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 11:51

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

How did you not know he was claiming for one child if you were aware enough to claim for the others?
I'd just given birth presumably. It was 15 years ago. I don't know.
OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 11:51

@titchy

Don't take the word of MNers on eligibility - phone the CB office yourself and let them know and get the claim moved back to you. Ask them if it is fraud. Report him if so.
I literally quoted a page from the .gov site. Its not fraud.

She can do a claim for the child though and if he disputes it being moved to her then the CB people will decide who gets it

giggly · 26/03/2022 11:53

Honestly op from a MH perspective if you continue to ruminate about the rights and wrongs of this you are not going to get anywhere. As a PP says you didn’t miss it so couldn’t have/ didn’t spend it on your ds. As a single parent every penny I earn goes on housing/ feeding/ entertaining my dc, the same cannot be said for their DF, but that’s how it is, nothing I can do about that as he pays regular maintenance.
Try to shift your focus on making the chance now, do not agree to a repayment plan if it involves you do anything at all. If he doesn’t play ball then that’s it.
Let it go, you don’t need him for anything.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 11:55

Sorry to be pedantic, but when they do stay with him, does he not feed them, have a bed for them, use any form of power?

pastabest · 26/03/2022 11:56

Because the law is he can claim it if he is financially contributing to the child's life. You have said above that he pays his maintenance.

If you both tried to claim it you would most likely have been awarded it rather than him. But you didn't.

I'm not saying this to be unkind or knock you will you are down, I'm trying to demonstrate that spending energy on trying to get that money back is futile and for your own MH you need to let it go and move on.

He's winning otherwise, look how wound up you are about it! Chasing it and reporting him etc will have zero consequences for him but cause lots of pointless stress for you.

Thoosa · 26/03/2022 11:56

I’d just given birth presumably. It was 15 years ago. I don't know

If you both had separate claims running while you were together, then you both received the higher “first child” rate simultaneously, which is technically fraudulent, and it will open a wasps’ nest to take the lid off. Maybe he didn’t claim until you split, but in that case, what didn’t you notice?

It’s such a tangle.

Thoosa · 26/03/2022 11:57

WHY ^^ didn’t you notice, i mean.

Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:59

I’d be tempted to shop him for fraud.

Rummikub · 26/03/2022 12:00

Yes it’s unfair he was claiming
My ex did similar and I had to provide evidence- doctors address, receipts etc. It was only backdated 3 months.

I think big picture you might just have to accept it was a mistake on your part and rectify situation going forward.
If you report him what do you have to gain? You won’t get that money back. But you’ll add stress and mental strain to yourself. Also from what you say if he’s controlling / abusive then I wouldn’t be surprised if he retaliated by withholding maintenance. Mine owes me thousands and I’m struggling so I do understand the unfairness.

pastabest · 26/03/2022 12:01

@Thoosa

I’d just given birth presumably. It was 15 years ago. I don't know

If you both had separate claims running while you were together, then you both received the higher “first child” rate simultaneously, which is technically fraudulent, and it will open a wasps’ nest to take the lid off. Maybe he didn’t claim until you split, but in that case, what didn’t you notice?

It’s such a tangle.

Not if he's been honest when he has applied and filled in the form reflecting that the household were already claiming for DC1. They were together at the time and OP didn't dispute it. Families are allowed to decide how they distribute the child benefit amongst themselves.
Thoosa · 26/03/2022 12:04

Well, whichever way. I’d leave it alone and concentrate on arrangements going forward.

Midlifemusings · 26/03/2022 12:05

Paying maintenance is paying for the care of the children. I don't know how much his maintenance payments are but that is all for the children and their related expenses.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 12:31

@Thoosa

I’d just given birth presumably. It was 15 years ago. I don't know

If you both had separate claims running while you were together, then you both received the higher “first child” rate simultaneously, which is technically fraudulent, and it will open a wasps’ nest to take the lid off. Maybe he didn’t claim until you split, but in that case, what didn’t you notice?

It’s such a tangle.

No we have four kids. I received CB for my eldest and two other kids. He received it for our middle child. All went into our joint account. Or so I thought because we closed our joint account when he left. So he had to specifically tell them to move it to his account. As I did, but I didn't realise I wasn't receiving it for four kids at the time. It was the most hellish two years thanks to him.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 12:43

@Thoosa

WHY ^^ didn’t you notice, i mean.
I think I've explained the circumstances? There was some financial abuse which I had to leave as it would have cost too much in solicitors' costs. I should have checked what I was entitled to and then I would have realised that I was short. I didn't and that's on me. But I've done nothing morally wrong. He has. And now he's trying to negotiate in order for me to receive the money I should have always received. If he wanted to argue that he deserved some CB, he could have done that four years ago. He didn't. He earns hugely more than I do and lives with his wife who has a full time job. So yes I think what he's done is morally bankrupt but he doesn't give a monkeys. I'd like to have a chance that he pays back some of the money. Because that means a lot to me and to our kids. His emails to me are monitored by a third party after he was abusive so I can contain the stress to a certain extent.
OP posts: