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Original poster

Ex received child benefit for 4 years

136 replies

accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 10:47

We have four children together, and split four years ago. Recently our eldest child turned 18 and my ex admitted that he'd been getting the child benefit for one of our kids since we split up. He asked me because he didn't know if it was for the child who turned 18. It wasn't. It's for ds3 (15) who hasn't stayed with him for two and a half years.

I hadn't realised because I didn't calculate what I should have been receiving - it was the same when we were together. It was an oversight on my part and I was completely unaware. I receive the CB for our other children.

It amounts to thousands of pounds. I challenged him and he said he'd pay it into my account monthly if I started collecting our son from his house. Only one of our children will stay with him. He didn't respond to my asking about paying back the money. We have a hostile relationship and don't co-parent. There was emotional abuse throughout the relationship and since it ended.

I'm very depressed and I've been suicidal of late, struggling a lot. How do I tackle this situation without it affecting my mental health? I have just bought a house and the money is very needed. I don't know where to start but this is MY money. Help please.

OP posts:
YanTanTethera01 · 26/03/2022 12:47

It's better for your mental health if you let it go. You might need the money but getting it this way will cause you more angst than it's worth. He's offered to pay it back, take his offer and move on.

Thoosa · 26/03/2022 12:52

I know what you said. I’m just pointing out what child benefit office will ask.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 26/03/2022 12:54

He's morally wrong, but not legally wrong for claiming after the split unfortunately.

It also sounds like a bit of working/frauding the system if you both claimed the higher rate for a child and lived together.

For that reason alone I would be wary of pushing this as you may potentially end up in trouble too.

For the sake of your mental health, if nothing else, I would let it go.

You wouldn't have had a 3 grand lump sum had you claimed it, so it's money that has already gone.

I get your anger, I really do, but its not worth chasing by the sound of it.

MaudieandMe · 26/03/2022 13:03

I'd report it and let the Child Benefit team investigate. It's up to them to decide if he's entitled to it or not, not some anonymous mumsnet posters.

Justwingingit2005 · 26/03/2022 13:04

I have no experience and £3k is alot of money in your position.

I always assumed CB could be paid to anyone who has parental responsibility and doesn't depend who they love with, for the child but only to one person. Whereas child maintainence depends on how many nights a child is with you. I don't think you can claim he doesn't have PR but if he earns more than £50k I believe you don't receive the full amount, then over a certain income you you qualify for any CB, this is sorted via a tax return.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/03/2022 13:04

If he’s over the 50k limit and you share children, would you have to pay a proportion back OP?

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:07

@YanTanTethera01

It's better for your mental health if you let it go. You might need the money but getting it this way will cause you more angst than it's worth. He's offered to pay it back, take his offer and move on.
He hasn't offered to pay it back.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:09

@Thoosa

I know what you said. I’m just pointing out what child benefit office will ask.
Yes. Of course. I don't remember some details. Maybe I have emails related to it from him.
OP posts:
Rummikub · 26/03/2022 13:09

@MaudieandMe

I'd report it and let the Child Benefit team investigate. It's up to them to decide if he's entitled to it or not, not some anonymous mumsnet posters.
She doesn’t have anything to gain though And potentially he could start being awkward with maintenance. Op think about what you want to gain and whether the cost is worth it. You won’t be back dated apart from 3 months.
HomeHomeInTheRange · 26/03/2022 13:09

I would tell him that he has been receiving this money fraudulently, and whether it was deliberate or a mistake on his part (when negotiating offering you’d opponent a face saving get out is sometimes helpful) it needs paying back to you as you are the resident parent / the parent the child lives with most (a deciding factor for HMRC).

Tell him that if he does not pay it back to you you will need to speak to HMRC because it accounts for the fact that you are finding money very hard. And then say ‘if they investigate it might go either way of course… you have declared it if you are earning £50k plus, presumably? In which case they probably owe me the deduction they would have made. Let me know whether you want to repay me or let HMRC decide”.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:10

Even though we are not together? Or do you mean when we were together? He's always done tax returns as self employed.

OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:11

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

He's morally wrong, but not legally wrong for claiming after the split unfortunately.

It also sounds like a bit of working/frauding the system if you both claimed the higher rate for a child and lived together.

For that reason alone I would be wary of pushing this as you may potentially end up in trouble too.

For the sake of your mental health, if nothing else, I would let it go.

You wouldn't have had a 3 grand lump sum had you claimed it, so it's money that has already gone.

I get your anger, I really do, but its not worth chasing by the sound of it.

No we didn't both claim the higher rate. I claimed for the eldest and he claimed for a younger child.
OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 13:14

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If he’s over the 50k limit and you share children, would you have to pay a proportion back OP?
No, it's the higher earner that pays any back
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:15

@HomeHomeInTheRange

I would tell him that he has been receiving this money fraudulently, and whether it was deliberate or a mistake on his part (when negotiating offering you’d opponent a face saving get out is sometimes helpful) it needs paying back to you as you are the resident parent / the parent the child lives with most (a deciding factor for HMRC).

Tell him that if he does not pay it back to you you will need to speak to HMRC because it accounts for the fact that you are finding money very hard. And then say ‘if they investigate it might go either way of course… you have declared it if you are earning £50k plus, presumably? In which case they probably owe me the deduction they would have made. Let me know whether you want to repay me or let HMRC decide”.

Oh I like this. He could withhold maintenance. But then he could do that anyway and has done before over another matter. I am reluctant to not do anything because it's money for my kids not me. I have the chance to gain some money for them which means I don't always have to say no to them.
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 26/03/2022 13:16

Sorry, as harsh as it may sound, this is your fault. When you split up, you became responsible for your own finances. Calculating maintenance etc should have shown you that he was receiving CB for one of your children. He’s not committed fraud, when calculating his maintenance payments I’d expect the CB would have been taken into account. Being married with. Wife in full time employment is irrelevant. How much he earns is irrelevant too.

Who can get it?
If you (or your partner) earn £50,000 a year or under, you can claim the full entitlement of child benefit if the child you're applying for lives with you, or if you're paying at least the same weekly amount as the benefit towards looking after them. For example, you might pay for clothes, food, pocket money or birthday and Christmas gifts. It includes grandparents, adoptive parents and some foster parents.
Earn more than £50,000? You might have to pay some or all of it back – see more info on this if you earn over £50,000.
If two people are responsible for the same child, only one will get the payment. Parents can decide between themselves who receives it – otherwise, HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) will decide. HMRC will give the child benefit to the parent the child lives with the most

Assuming he also has PR, then he is just as entitled as you to claim it. If you had disputed this, then HMRC would have allocated it to you as your child lives with you the most.

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2022 13:17

@HomeHomeInTheRange

I would tell him that he has been receiving this money fraudulently, and whether it was deliberate or a mistake on his part (when negotiating offering you’d opponent a face saving get out is sometimes helpful) it needs paying back to you as you are the resident parent / the parent the child lives with most (a deciding factor for HMRC).

Tell him that if he does not pay it back to you you will need to speak to HMRC because it accounts for the fact that you are finding money very hard. And then say ‘if they investigate it might go either way of course… you have declared it if you are earning £50k plus, presumably? In which case they probably owe me the deduction they would have made. Let me know whether you want to repay me or let HMRC decide”.

It’s only a deciding factor where parents can’t agree. Legally he’s done nothing wrong.
dementedpixie · 26/03/2022 13:18

It's not fraudulent and they don't deduct money from the child benefit due to higher earnings. They give the full amount and then the higher earner declares it on their tax return and pays some or all of it back depending exactly how much over £50k their earnings are (at £60k it would all be paid back)

Rummikub · 26/03/2022 13:24

Do your sims op and risk assessment.

Step 1 is to co text child benefit and get the future paymentS transferred to you. Then look into rules on hmrc/ £50k. The state won’t give you the money backdated.
I personally wouldn’t play this game of cat and mouse. I’d protect maintenance and future child benefit.

Rummikub · 26/03/2022 13:25

⬆️Sums

Step one contact child benefit

HomeHomeInTheRange · 26/03/2022 13:27

Yeah, but I would tell him I was going to take it to HMRC to put a bat up his nightie.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 13:28

He has NOT been receiving the benefit fraudulently (even if he should have declared it if he earned over £50k that's not the same thing)
Either parent can claim CB, he did, you didn't notice. Morally he shouldn't have done it but he's clearly a bastard anyway so you can't expect him to do the right thing now. You haven't a hope of getting it back. Just put in the claim yourself.

Rummikub · 26/03/2022 13:30

@HomeHomeInTheRange

Yeah, but I would tell him I was going to take it to HMRC to put a bat up his nightie.
Love the phrase 😂
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 13:30

@Soontobe60

Sorry, as harsh as it may sound, this is your fault. When you split up, you became responsible for your own finances. Calculating maintenance etc should have shown you that he was receiving CB for one of your children. He’s not committed fraud, when calculating his maintenance payments I’d expect the CB would have been taken into account. Being married with. Wife in full time employment is irrelevant. How much he earns is irrelevant too.

Who can get it?
If you (or your partner) earn £50,000 a year or under, you can claim the full entitlement of child benefit if the child you're applying for lives with you, or if you're paying at least the same weekly amount as the benefit towards looking after them. For example, you might pay for clothes, food, pocket money or birthday and Christmas gifts. It includes grandparents, adoptive parents and some foster parents.
Earn more than £50,000? You might have to pay some or all of it back – see more info on this if you earn over £50,000.
If two people are responsible for the same child, only one will get the payment. Parents can decide between themselves who receives it – otherwise, HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) will decide. HMRC will give the child benefit to the parent the child lives with the most

Assuming he also has PR, then he is just as entitled as you to claim it. If you had disputed this, then HMRC would have allocated it to you as your child lives with you the most.

No the CB isn't taken into account with maintenance. Based only on his employment income as we use CMS.

I'm not claiming to be blameless. I missed a trick. I should have checked. Perhaps there's nothing to be done. But I'd like to try or I will regret it. If he thought he deserved or needed part of the child benefit - why did he just take it and never mention it to me in four years? He could have kept applying and CB might have kept paying it to him. But he knew I didn't know. He kept it quiet for four years until he thought he'd get in trouble when our eldest turned 18.

OP posts:
Iamkmackered1979 · 26/03/2022 13:33

I understand you could’ve done with the money but sort it now so you’re getting it, he gives you maintenance which is more than I get for 2 of my 4. It’s rubbish but is it worth fighting over. Totally get that he’s an nightmare but you know that already and it’s not going to make things better & you’re not going to get the money repaid to you unless he gives you it and I don’t like your chances now.

Basically he has claimed jt, you’ve not noticed and it’s done now you should go through all your finances to make sure you’re getting what you’re entitled too it’s difficult and 4 kids can be a struggle - I also have 4 and single parent. But you can only rely on yourself to make sure your money is correct. No one else will do it for you.

Babyroobs · 26/03/2022 13:38

It should be the parent who the child mostly lives with that claims it so yes he has bene claiming fraudulently. What i don't understand though is if you are claiming other benefits, which I'm assuming you may be with four kids on your own, then when you split up you would have needed to claim UC. I'm not sure how you would have been awarded the child element of Uc for all four if only getting child benefit for 3, unless you have very young kids and therefore affecting by the 2 child cap ??