Ex received child benefit for 4 years

[accessorizequeen]

We have four children together, and split four years ago. Recently our eldest child turned 18 and my ex admitted that he'd been getting the child benefit for one of our kids since we split up. He asked me because he didn't know if it was for the child who turned 18. It wasn't. It's for ds3 (15) who hasn't stayed with him for two and a half years.

I hadn't realised because I didn't calculate what I should have been receiving - it was the same when we were together. It was an oversight on my part and I was completely unaware. I receive the CB for our other children.

It amounts to thousands of pounds. I challenged him and he said he'd pay it into my account monthly if I started collecting our son from his house. Only one of our children will stay with him. He didn't respond to my asking about paying back the money. We have a hostile relationship and don't co-parent. There was emotional abuse throughout the relationship and since it ended.

I'm very depressed and I've been suicidal of late, struggling a lot. How do I tackle this situation without it affecting my mental health? I have just bought a house and the money is very needed. I don't know where to start but this is MY money. Help please.

I couldn't disagree more, @bellac11

You have no idea of OPs capability or circumstances. OPs ex himself has said he shouldn't have claimed the CB.

OP has said she is depressed and suicidal.

Fuck me, I hope you don't work in an environment requiring empathy.

@EinsteinaGogo

I couldn't disagree more, *@bellac11*

You have no idea of OPs capability or circumstances. OPs ex himself has said he shouldn't have claimed the CB.

OP has said she is depressed and suicidal.

Fuck me, I hope you don't work in an environment requiring empathy.

He might have said he shouldnt have claimed it because he isnt aware of the legislation

Im not surprised her MH is low as she seems to believe this victim narrative which is hugely destructive for people, she would do well to seek some support which looks at the drama triangle.

The ONLY way that the claim could have changed from him to her, is by her making a counter claim, she didnt do this, its just a fact and as others have said, she needs to let the back amount go, it isnt going to be paid to her but if she wants the CB moving forward then to make a new claim.

@bellac11

You're not doing yourself any favours.

The OP has said she has 4 children, at least three of whom have special needs.

She has no money.

She has an ex who has been keeping money that the OPs children were entitled to.

And you say she's down because of a victim mentality.

To repeat - fuck me, it's very black and white in your world. Even if the ex is / was allowed to claim because the OP didn't catch on that she needed to, telling the OP it's her fault whilst injecting no empathy into your responses isn't very kind to someone on the edge, is it?

If the money was that important, why didn't you know?

I know you are saying you didn't know, but if every penny counted, you would be looking at everything to find extra funds. Over four years, you should have been looking for any ways you could get any more.

4 DC child benefit is currently 21 + 14+14+14 a week, so if you weren't getting 63 and money was that tight, then it's no one else's fault.

I guess you are probably just as angry with yourself as him though

[quote EinsteinaGogo]@bellac11

You're not doing yourself any favours.

The OP has said she has 4 children, at least three of whom have special needs.

She has no money.

She has an ex who has been keeping money that the OPs children were entitled to.

And you say she's down because of a victim mentality.

To repeat - fuck me, it's very black and white in your world. Even if the ex is / was allowed to claim because the OP didn't catch on that she needed to, telling the OP it's her fault whilst injecting no empathy into your responses isn't very kind to someone on the edge, is it? [/quote]
Im not going to argue with you because you are repeating quite destructive and dangerous approaches to MH.

People that are disempowered are more at risk of poor MH, and one can do that by creating a narrative around them that promotes that, the OP has done this and people like you contribute to that
She is not a victim she has the power to make a new claim, she has lived without the input of the previous money, she has lovely children, their having SN also does not make her a victim.

In order to recover from feeling depressed and suicidal she may need medication but will also need to change her thinking style, when you get into a pattern of blaming others and the external world that is when you disempower yourself

She has already done the hard work of leaving him. She is now an independent woman able to make choices and decisions of her own. In order to fully take control you also have to own decisions that you once made and the consequences that come from that, not blame them on other people

You're on an anonymous forum @bellac11

Your approach could be suitable in a real life situation where you have connection, assessment, follow up, and continuation.

You can still put your point across in an empathetic way. You (and some other posters) have chosen not to.

I think everything has been said enough times. I don't see myself as a victim and never have. I see him as a prick though. The child whose CB he claimed - he's treated like crap for years. He wouldn't allow him to attend his wedding along with his siblings. I made a mistake as multiple people have pointed out - and some of you have pointed it out with a little too much glee. I'm not a victim, but I've acknowledged how life is tough for me right now. Compassion does go a long way.

Thank you very much to those who tried to help. I appreciate that.

No but the government can

This

I would leave it OP. The fact that you didn't notice and you managed.... you can manage.

For the sake of your own health let it go you stated you have a hostile relationship so you probably have no chance anyway.

@Keekabooyou

No but the government can

can what?