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Original poster

Ex received child benefit for 4 years

136 replies

accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 10:47

We have four children together, and split four years ago. Recently our eldest child turned 18 and my ex admitted that he'd been getting the child benefit for one of our kids since we split up. He asked me because he didn't know if it was for the child who turned 18. It wasn't. It's for ds3 (15) who hasn't stayed with him for two and a half years.

I hadn't realised because I didn't calculate what I should have been receiving - it was the same when we were together. It was an oversight on my part and I was completely unaware. I receive the CB for our other children.

It amounts to thousands of pounds. I challenged him and he said he'd pay it into my account monthly if I started collecting our son from his house. Only one of our children will stay with him. He didn't respond to my asking about paying back the money. We have a hostile relationship and don't co-parent. There was emotional abuse throughout the relationship and since it ended.

I'm very depressed and I've been suicidal of late, struggling a lot. How do I tackle this situation without it affecting my mental health? I have just bought a house and the money is very needed. I don't know where to start but this is MY money. Help please.

OP posts:
StopLying · 26/03/2022 15:45

I read the website. It doesn't apply to a child that doesn't live with / hasn't stayed with a non resident parent for a long period of time. Also, I was responding to the op, not you, so I'm not going to waste my time debating with you about it. I don't agree with you. End of.

Rummikub · 26/03/2022 15:49

I found this:
Might be useful

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-child-lives-with-someone-else

Looks like maintenance counts as making a contribution

Politics4me · 26/03/2022 15:58

Can you go to the Small Claims Court for this?
It would be a Civil case NOT a criminal case.

bellac11 · 26/03/2022 16:00

@StopLying

I read the website. It doesn't apply to a child that doesn't live with / hasn't stayed with a non resident parent for a long period of time. Also, I was responding to the op, not you, so I'm not going to waste my time debating with you about it. I don't agree with you. End of.
www.gov.uk/child-benefit-child-lives-with-someone-else

By the way, once you've read that, you might want to think about people who claim CB for children who live in other countries.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 16:28

@BoredZelda

You're making a lot of assumptions about my finances.

The only assumption being made, as far as I can see is, if you were genuinely desperate for that money, you wouldn’t have overlooked a really obvious source of income.

I've explained the circumstances more than once. I've said I'm not blameless. I didn't check something. Because it had been the same for many years I had no reason to. Could people please stop nitpicking it now? I made a mistake. He pocketed nearly 3k as a result.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 16:33

@Politics4me

Can you go to the Small Claims Court for this? It would be a Civil case NOT a criminal case.
I have no wish to take it to court. Or report him. My kids wouldn't like it things were more hostile. I guess this thread has helped me see what the best option is. Writing to him asking that he repay it (expecting him to either refuse outright or negotiate) and then make my own claim.
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 26/03/2022 16:39

@Keekabooyou

Try and claim it from the gov as child benefit can be back dated at any time and then when they say he has been claiming it you tell them he should’nt have and get him done for fraud
Oh dear. So much wrong with your post!
Soontobe60 · 26/03/2022 16:40

@Politics4me

Can you go to the Small Claims Court for this? It would be a Civil case NOT a criminal case.
It would be neither as he hasn’t done anything wrong legally. It’s the OP that made the mistake by not putting in a counter claim for the CB when they split up.
WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 16:44

he said he would pay it into my account monthly if I did something for him.

How far away does he live?

If it’s not too far I’d definitely collect your son from his house in exchange for £3k.
Once you’ve got your money you can always have your circumstances change so you can’t do it any more.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 17:22

@WonderfulYou

he said he would pay it into my account monthly if I did something for him.

How far away does he live?

If it’s not too far I’d definitely collect your son from his house in exchange for £3k.
Once you’ve got your money you can always have your circumstances change so you can’t do it any more.

No he said he'd pay it monthly into my account going forward. He never said he'd pay me back.
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 17:35

No he said he'd pay it monthly into my account going forward. He never said he'd pay me back.

In that case you need to just try and forget about it and be proud that you managed without that money for as long as you did.

BrokenRecords · 26/03/2022 17:41

It's not YOUR money it's for your child. If he has the one child 10 nights a month then that 5 short of 50/50. I would let the CB go if your saying he's trying to negotiate with you then say fine have the money and then he can't negotiate then can he.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 26/03/2022 17:49

@BrokenRecords

It's not YOUR money it's for your child. If he has the one child 10 nights a month then that 5 short of 50/50. I would let the CB go if your saying he's trying to negotiate with you then say fine have the money and then he can't negotiate then can he.
Yes. It's for my child. I am frustrated and I shouldn't have said it was my money. He has him now 10 nights a month yes, that's a recent introduction a few months ago. Before that 8 nights a month. He doesn't have our other children at all.
OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/03/2022 18:17

He's a dick

Don't have him pay it you, sort it out with the child benefit office. Also make sure you are getting universal credit for all of the children and that he's paying the right amount of maintanance for all of them

BoredZelda · 26/03/2022 21:29

I read the website. It doesn't apply to a child that doesn't live with / hasn't stayed with a non resident parent for a long period of time. Also, I was responding to the op, not you, so I'm not going to waste my time debating with you about it. I don't agree with you. End of.

Oh, you said “end of”. I guess you think that means you’re still right (sadly not)

Yes, you were indeed giving the OP the wrong information.

BoredZelda · 26/03/2022 21:31

He pocketed nearly 3k as a result.

Which he is allowed to do, because he also paid maintenance.

Rummikub · 27/03/2022 00:26

Yes technically
But I can see why op is aggrieved

Tell him you’re putting in a counter claim
And he needs to stop claiming
Make sure you have your evidence

I think if he wants to claim then pay you - that’s where you want to negotiate the previous pay. Otherwise there’s no reason you shouldn’t claim yourself. Then draw a line under it.

Bagpusssays · 27/03/2022 00:29

Let it go.

The damage in one thread to your mental health isn't worth it. Just stop it.

A lot of life is about letting things go, so just stop.

Original poster
accessorizequeen · 27/03/2022 10:55

@BoredZelda

I read the website. It doesn't apply to a child that doesn't live with / hasn't stayed with a non resident parent for a long period of time. Also, I was responding to the op, not you, so I'm not going to waste my time debating with you about it. I don't agree with you. End of.

Oh, you said “end of”. I guess you think that means you’re still right (sadly not)

Yes, you were indeed giving the OP the wrong information.

It's ok I would ask CB for the actual rules. I started the thread for opinions which has been very helpful.
OP posts:
Original poster
accessorizequeen · 27/03/2022 10:56

@Bagpusssays

Let it go.

The damage in one thread to your mental health isn't worth it. Just stop it.

A lot of life is about letting things go, so just stop.

The thread hasn't affected my mental health? What a strange thing to say. I've said what I intend to do.
OP posts:
Rummikub · 27/03/2022 12:09

The rules are in the link i posted above.if you want leverage then tell him you’re making a counterclaim.

RedHelenB · 27/03/2022 12:11

So get onto DWP and get them ro put the CB in your name on Monday. The money he claimed and you didn't notice you should have got has been and gone now, he won't be paying it back by all accounts.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 12:12

The ONLY way to change the CB payment is to make a counter claim, no need to speak to anyone about it. Either claim or dont claim

He has not done anything wrong, either legally or morally really, CB was claimed, you didnt make a counter claim, that was your choice.

EinsteinaGogo · 27/03/2022 14:06

Wow, there's such a lot of victim blaming going on this thread. Jeez, I'm sorry a lot of posters have put the blame at your door, OP.

How lucky for those who've never been on the receiving end of hideous, acrimonious, depression inducing divorce.

How lucky for those who've never had to worry about getting through the day, let alone staying up to date with the current CB rates and cross checking you're receiving what you're owed.

OP - your ex is a thief. He's been knowingly claim £1000s of money he knows he wasn't eligible for.

OF COURSE you're spitting feathers that he's had that when you've been trying to make ends meet. Who wouldn't want it back???????

A PP gave some good text along the lines of:

"Dear thieving bastard, I need to get the children's CB back in line after your error.
How do you want to handle the back payment? Do you want to give it to directly, or do you want me to ask HMRC to reclaim it from you when I speak to them?"

I hope you get at least some of that money, OP.

And well done from getting away from your ex. He sounds hideous xxx

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 14:09

There is nothing more tiresome that the 'victim blaming' phrase applied to a situation where someone is not a victim

You are seriously painting a picture where its too chaotic and stressful to read a letter every April and check its correct.

All she had to do was make a counter claim, nothing more, nothing complicated. Thats all she has to do now

He hasnt stolen anything, or committed fraud or even acted immorally, he was entitled to the money.

OP turns herself into a victim by believing this narrative, very unhealthy and disempowering.