Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

Do you still have a mortgage ?

Have you added up all your monthly outgoings & divided by 2 ? Because the person who is retired should be paying their fair share

Is the retired person interested in a part time job

State retirement age must be 66+

I'd be getting a divorce in this case and having half the savings. No way I'd be funding this without even so much as a discussion.

That’s v unfair of your spouse.

Despite the financial consequences, if you want to end the relationship would be getting legal advice on your chances of separating and getting a share of the joint savings.

If, however, you think the relationship could be salvageable you could try couple’s counselling.

As for your friend’s advice, the costs/benefits of both options need to be considered.

Including the emotional burden of being angry with your spouse/overburdened financially and domestically and seeking to hide this from teen DC.

I'd get a divorce.
Splitting the pot now is better than draining it dry then having nothing.
At least this way you can sever financial ties and from that point on whatever you have is yours and she will have to manage on her pension.

Divorces are expensive and with one person not working, the likelihood is that the person who would end up worse off would be you as you'd lose the most.

Have you tried to speak to your partner? i know people hate discussing money but I think I'd be laying down the law a bit here. Like I need you to get a job by X date.

Is there a fear of not being able to get another job again? As I've seen people go through this.

What is your financial position? Do you still have a mortgage?

Did the other one have time "off" as a shap and now the retiring one thinks it's their turn?

Could they be struggling to find work and have more or less given up thinking it is futile but be putting a front on it?

I would take half the savings now and open a new savings account and put half in there to protect it - half is yours. Until you know what to do long term. I’d be furious too.

God what a horrible situation to be in.

How responsible are your DC? You could immediately move the Uni contributions you had saved into accounts in their names so it can’t be frittered away by him.

Your spouse is refusing to discuss the matter with you, is there anyone in his family or your circle of friends that you can appeal to to talk some sense into him? Even if he drew the pension and topped it up with PT work that would balance the books.

You could also start motions to downsize now, informing him that every month you are going “into debt” because outgoings exceed income. Perhaps when he realises he can’t keep the lifestyle he’s accustomed to...might have to move to small flat instead of being in a house, etc, that there’s only going to be one car, no money for socialising, etc. He will wake up to reality.

And he should be doing more housework too. It’s awful hes checked out. You are sure he’s not hiding any kind of health condition from you to account for this behaviour?

I’d move the money quickly - put some in an untouchable savings account in your name for the dc and split the rest. Make it do he can’t access your share and when his are gone, refuse to supplement him.
These decisions have to be joint. He can’t unilaterally decide to sit on his arse. I’d start getting my wages paid elsewhere too, not in a joint account. And start splitting the bills 50/50. See how long he can hold out

Sorry it's not acceptable for him to "just decide to stop".
I'm currently planning early retirement and discussing with my wife. When I stop work I want to do the things I don't have time for now, as does she. This will cost £
Current plan will probably to stop my current high stress job and do something easier (or that I can at least forget when I walk out after my shift) part time.
It has to be a negotiation

Exactly, the lack of discussion is horrible.
My older than me DH has just gone down to 30hr weeks as he is over 55. We agreed on it as a couple.

Just to answer a few questions raised

We have no mortgage (we prioritised getting it paid off over other stuff)

Spouse will not discuss the matter at all. They've had a successful climb through the ranks in their last employment but Covid changed things and cost reductions were being made so lots of people were made redundant by the employer.

We both have/had high pressure roles, but spouse isn't looking for any work at all, even minimum wage or part time.

The thought of all the financial earning responsibility being on me alone at the same time as seeing our savings reducing to support this new lifestyle they''ve adopted is stressing me out so much. I'm ashamed to say I often find myself crying late at night after everyone else has gone to bed.

I think I'm going to have to accept that I'll be working much longer than planned and that I'll be getting divorced too, because what kind of person does this to their spouse ? They clearly don't care about me at all, nor about the kids who will end up with much large student debt to repay as we won't be able to contribute so much on just one main salary plus spouse's reduced pension.

Lack of discussion is the problem.

My DH went PT, then retired fairly promptly asap but we have enough money & it was all planned..

Oh and no I didn't have any time as a SAHP.

And you can't live like this, sounds desperate.

Can you talk about it eg discuss problem over funding uni with the DCs? Discuss cut back in expenditure with everyone? At the moment the dire finances etc are solely your problem - this isn't fair on you.

If you're considering divorce do it quick before he (?) retires - be difficult to put a claim in his pension pot after? I'm not an expert though.

Relationship would be dead if it were me anyway - the not stepping up whilst on furlough is bad enough, but to refuse to discuss as a family how finances are going to work? Not a partnership and I'm so sorry for you.

Can you trust your kids? Open junior Isas in their name for the money you had earmarked for uni?

If he considering any form of work after drawing his pension?

Would your spouse consider relationship counselling? It sounds as though this could be relationship destroying and if they flatly won't discuss it with you then something needs to happen to break the deadlock.

Why are some folks deciding the spouse is Male when th op has delibteralty kept it gender neutral? Haven’t we moved past that?

Op, if you can’t talk to them about it that’s the bigger issue.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. It’s completely unfair to make such a big decision unilaterally.

Is he depressed? Being made redundant can be a shock. But to be honest it sounds more like selfishness.

I would transfer money into a separate account. Get all financial details and tell him that he can live his new lifestyle alone.

Too be honest if your spouse can just decide this by themselves I would decide myself to move all the savings so they have no access to easy cash,so other than being housed and fed,they'll have to go earn money to pay for anything else they want.Those savings are for your kids futures notfor spouse to sit on their arse at home.

Staying is not your only option.
You can choose to end the relationship.

The relationship is over in my view. That needed to be a joint decision with both of you happy with the outcome. They have just told you their decision & expect you to live with it. I’d be so angry and wouldn’t see any future in the relationship.