Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

Move the savings ASAP. Retiring is generally a well thought out plan with discussions around affording early retirement and what pensions are worth and definitely considering some part time working.

Most people I know who have retired have spent money on their house, changed cars and got organised while still working and then can save lump sum.

Move your chunk of the savings to protect them ASAP.
If they are unwilling to discuss it or budget it then you need to protect your share.

So far, it’s just the redundancy payout being spent, yes?

When the redundancy payout is gone is when the problem with ‘spending the savings’ begins?

I’d be very clear and direct.

This is the household budget.
This is my 50% of the contribution.
How do you intend to fund your 50%?

This is how much we need to give the DC. Etc.

How long is it since the redundancy? It might be reasonable to take a break of 3-6 months if they are burnt out or feeling lost, albeit this should of course be discussed. Is there a boredom threshold that might drive them back to seeking work, and can you set a deadline eg mid January to actively seek a return to the workforce?

Are you a similar age, and how long do you have to retirement?

Could you book to see a financial adviser to set out your financial position for pre and post retirement?

Are the children jointly yours?

I believe that several people have reconsidered their lives after the covid lockdown & have perhaps made some changes

It may be a case that your partner/ spouse can live on their redundancy & pension until state retirement age.

How many people would stop working if they could afford to ?

Secondly, it is generous to provide for children during university, but many will work PT & take their student loan

The killer for the relationship is the no communication about the current status or the near & far future

Perhaps they have been thinking "what is the point of working?"

No, Im sorry if he won't discuss it pack his bags and tell him to leave. I can assure you retiring is a big drop in income( at least it was to us). If you are spending savings every month there will be nothing left. You really do not want poverty in your senior years.This isn't just HIS money or HIS future. You are meant to be partners. Very selfish. Id send him out to do the grocery shopping a few times, he would be in for a shock! Sounds like he hasnt a clue

Who pays the bills in the house? If it's you, I'm thinking the OH is out of touch with the household outgoings.

I know its easy to say such and such is due this month, but then the normal expenses are forgotten. I wonder if this is what is happening with your OH's thinking? They think they are cruising along ok, but it hasn't sunk in how much it costs to live the current life.

This utter lack of respect would have me contemplating divorce.

At least then all of your future earnings would be yours.

@Fossie

You are married. Didn’t you say for better or worse? No one is financially better off after a divorce anyway.

Better or worse by happenstance is one thing.

When one partner chooses to foist "worse" on the other, all bets are off.

I would do a spreadsheet of all outgoings & then present him with a bill for his half & ask him when he was going to start paying his share, include a list of all the payments he has missed. I would also move the savings where he couldn't get to them. If he doesn't start paying his way I would divorce him.

i've skimmed over the posts.
communication needs to happen here.
as part of my retirement planning i attended annual workplace seminars. and the fact that in general retirement income is half of what your working income is, means planning.
and that leap of faith is scary. and you do wonder how you will make ends meet.
so although you may have other relationship issues, i highly suggest seeking financial planning assistance to explain to both of you your current situation (it will also help with understanding the divorce option as well).

There's a real flurry of people starting threads then buggering off at the moment. It's very irritating.

Children are jointly ours

I anticipate that our kids will have part time jobs whilst at Uni (just as I did)

I also believe OH's attitude is that us contributing is optional. Yes, with a lower joint income, in theory the kids will be able to access a larger amount of loan. This means that OH's decision to retire early will leave their kids taking on more debt to facilitate that "luxury".

I'm not expecting us to wholly fund Uni for them but I do think we should be doing our bit in line with government expectations.

a positive spin,
if you have less household earnings, your university fees may be lower?

other than that - agree Communication
there must be something going on that would make a person decide simply to Retire at 55?

Having part time jobs at uni partly depends on their choice of subject. I would definitely give them a heads up of how their future might require repayment of large debt etc

@Yusanaim

Having part time jobs at uni partly depends on their choice of subject. I would definitely give them a heads up of how their future might require repayment of large debt etc

Repayment is based on future income

@MrsLargeEmbodied

a positive spin, if you have less household earnings, your university fees may be lower?

other than that - agree Communication
there must be something going on that would make a person decide simply to Retire at 55?

As I understand it the cost of Uni does not vary according to household income, it's the expected parental contribution to the cost that varies.

This means that the amount of debt graduates end up with is much higher if parents are unable or unwilling to contribute.

Given that it's currently under suggestion that the payback threshold is lowered from a salary of £27k to a salary of £23k this is a big consideration too.

you are totally right - it will be more for the students to pay back

what do you mean here?

Given that it's currently under suggestion that the payback threshold is lowered from a salary of £27k to a salary of £23k this is a big consideration too.

@FrippEnos

Winterautumn

We are far from equality. I’m definitely not being sexist.

You are being sexist.

Whatever the sex of the spouse they shouldn't be making unilateral decisions that affect the other partner.

This. No one, even if they're female, should be deciding without discussion, to retire and use the savings. It's a joint decision always.

Why gender neutral? I'm imagining you as a man. Seems unnecessary.

Anyway the whole situation couldn't be worse if you made it up.

Get a financial advisor to look at yours and spouses finances. Get them to come to the house and sit down with both of you.

Why can't you say. I am not supporting this? Get a job, the money will run out too quickly.

Move half the savings into your own account now. Save into there from now on.

It may be that your spouse has decided she doesn't want to support the dc through uni. That is her choice. It's harsh but you can't make her. I think you fund half the kids out of your money. I cant believe your spouse is stonewalling a discussion about how you help the dc.

Is divorce something you would consider? If she has been the main earner and hasn't had time off with the kids her pension pot will be bigger. But you said you'd never been SAHP so possible with no breaks you have the better pot. You are going to need to share these fairly if you divorce.

Running 2 homes when dc leave could be the best idea. If you are male this gives you a shot of finding someone who loves you and wants a supportive caring partnership. It sounds like there is no love lost in your relationship now.

It is the utter selfishness of it which would be the relationship killer for me. My DH works part time and I work full time BUT in his extra spare hours he does the vast majority of housework, maintenance, cooking etc.

I think you need to look at student funding and how it works. The loan that students can access is linked to parental income, with an assumption that parents make up the shortfall BUT (and it's a big but) even a full loan may be insufficient funds depending on where they study. Both of mine required topping up as the loan amount didn't even cover rent, let alone living costs. It wasn't too bad in Nottingham but rent in Exeter was eye wateringly expensive, so not talking London Unis here

@Bluntness100

Why are some folks deciding the spouse is Male when th op has delibteralty kept it gender neutral? Haven’t we moved past that?

Op, if you can’t talk to them about it that’s the bigger issue.

Because this is mumsnet, because its normally the woman who stays home as the sahp, and quite frankly its dull and boring when someone is "gender neutral" in a post.

Just to clarify, yes, the amount of debt a student leaves with is dependent on parental income, but that's because what they are allowed to borrow is capped. If you don't contribute they can't just borrow more money