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Original poster

Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

227 replies

bestcoffeepot · 17/11/2021 16:13

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 17/11/2021 21:07

really hope you have moved half the money OP in an account they cannot get too!??!
else you will end up poor very very quickly

Beautiful3 · 17/11/2021 21:09

Honestly, I would transfer 80 percent of it over. Tell him after you've done it that it's not acceptable for him to spend it all on himself like this. It's half yours and the rest goes towards the kids uni fund, trust me, they will need it. Don't allow him to spend it all, hide the money ASAP. What a lazy husband, I'd be really embarrassed of him.

Winterautumn · 17/11/2021 21:10

Like it or not gender matters .. it’s not being sexist women’s careers are affected much more negatively than men’s. If they are in their mid / late 50’s the gender gap will be more apparent throughout their relationship than what it is today.
There is physical differences between men and women and that is why men and women have different retirement ages.

Bluntness100 · 17/11/2021 21:11

@Beautiful3

Honestly, I would transfer 80 percent of it over. Tell him after you've done it that it's not acceptable for him to spend it all on himself like this. It's half yours and the rest goes towards the kids uni fund, trust me, they will need it. Don't allow him to spend it all, hide the money ASAP. What a lazy husband, I'd be really embarrassed of him.
For goodness sake, “tell him” seriously?

You can’t comprehend this can be a man posting or a same sex relationship?

Winterautumn · 17/11/2021 21:12

I’m not saying men can’t also retire early .. they can. I’m just saying the op is deliberately trying to keep it gender neutral but genders are different.

spotcheck · 17/11/2021 21:23

Why did you naturally expect that they pick up the bulk of stuff around the house?

Why should they do more than your teenagers

BECAUSE THE SPOUSE IS A GROWN UP!!!!
If 'spouse' is furloughed, and not working then surely it's ok to assume they will pick up more of the household chores? Especially if the other partner ended up working longer hours.

That's what partners do.

MrsJamPanMan · 17/11/2021 21:26

@Winterautumn

Like it or not gender matters .. it’s not being sexist women’s careers are affected much more negatively than men’s. If they are in their mid / late 50’s the gender gap will be more apparent throughout their relationship than what it is today. There is physical differences between men and women and that is why men and women have different retirement ages.
No. I think the different retirement ages were based on the assumption that the husband supported a younger wife and to avoid a seventy-year-old man having to keep working to support a 64-year-old woman, for example.
Bluntness100 · 17/11/2021 21:26

@Winterautumn

Like it or not gender matters .. it’s not being sexist women’s careers are affected much more negatively than men’s. If they are in their mid / late 50’s the gender gap will be more apparent throughout their relationship than what it is today. There is physical differences between men and women and that is why men and women have different retirement ages.
What country are you in? In the uk men and womens retirement age is now the same, that sexist nonsense of retiring earlier has long gone.
HundredMilesAnHour · 17/11/2021 21:29

There is physical differences between men and women and that is why men and women have different retirement ages.

No such thing as a default retirement age in the UK anymore. If you mean state pension age, it's the same for men and women.

Please stop perpetuating sexism. This is the 21st century, not the 1950s.

Newt13 · 17/11/2021 21:31

If your partner is female they could be struggling with the effects of menopause. Difficult to give good advice when key facts are missing.

It is difficult when they won't discuss it, but this could explain why.

WinterSunglasses · 17/11/2021 21:32

Move the savings OP. The dipping into them every month to top up income is not ok, not without any kind of discussion, and as other people have said, once it's gone it's gone. Tell your partner they have to learn to live within their new income. Presumably they just didn't think they'd have to Hmm

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/11/2021 21:34

If you divorce now, your other half will be expected to maximise their earnings , they've a way to go before they reach state pension age.

I think the lack of consideration towards you and your children is awful.
I'd seriously be considering splitting. Would mediation be an option?

coodawoodashooda · 17/11/2021 21:36

@Dozer

As for your friend’s advice, the costs/benefits of both options need to be considered.

Including the emotional burden of being angry with your spouse/overburdened financially and domestically and seeking to hide this from teen DC.

This
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/11/2021 21:37

Just get a divorce, "they" sounds like a dickhead.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 17/11/2021 21:41

@Bluntness100 the retirement age only changed last year so prior to 2020 men and women did have different retirement ages, so not particularly a long time ago…

Regardless, the poster who you quoted was right in pointing out the gender pay gap. The OP’s partner (if she’s a woman) may not have earned enough or simply may not have been allowed to contribute towards an employment pension scheme. She may have also had to take time out to provide childcare missing out on potential years of earning. Posters may be of a completely different opinion if we knew these facts, so gender is relevant here whether you like it or not.

namechange147258 · 17/11/2021 21:43

From the OP

Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

Likely OP is a woman.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 17/11/2021 21:45

*sorry, 2018 was when the gender neutral state pension started

Winterautumn · 17/11/2021 21:45

Bluntness you are missing the point I’m making

Winterautumn · 17/11/2021 21:49

There is a gender gap for retirement in lots of countries. The is also a pay gap in all countries between men and women and a career break for women with children in a lot of countries. We are far from equality. I’m definitely not being sexist.

PennyWus · 17/11/2021 21:53

Call your OH's bluff. Come home from work tomorrow and announce you've quit your job and you're retiring too! Smile cheerfully, get a can of Coke from the fridge and go and lie on the sofa and then yell out, "by the way, what's for dinner?"

Go on a complete housework strike and say since your OH is now a person of leisure you expect them to do everything.

See if the reality of a dual unemployed family shocks your OH out of the lethargy.

FrippEnos · 17/11/2021 22:03

Winterautumn

We are far from equality. I’m definitely not being sexist.

You are being sexist.

Whatever the sex of the spouse they shouldn't be making unilateral decisions that affect the other partner.

Fossie · 17/11/2021 22:04

You are married. Didn’t you say for better or worse? No one is financially better off after a divorce anyway.

HalzTangz · 17/11/2021 22:09

You need to put your foot down. Tell him the only way he can quit work is if he can manage his half of the bills without dipping into the savings pot.
When he says pension won't cover it, stand firm and tell him he will need to work whatever hours are necessary to cover the shortfall (whether that be part time or full time)

If he refuses, leave. Take half the savings and half the house. He'll have no choice but to work as he will have 100,% bills to cover

AuntieJoyce · 17/11/2021 22:15

There’s no winners in this one

If you claim the savings your OH can just access overdrafts existing credit cards which become shared marital debts on divorce. Savings remain marital assets even in your account

PP recommended marriage counselling- that’s where I’d start

Honeyroar · 17/11/2021 22:20

The spouse refuses to discuss it - doubtful they’d go to marriage guidance.

I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP and see about getting a block on the savings account somehow.

And bollocks to women needing to retire earlier! And anyone that wants to retire early needs to plan how they’re going to fund it.