Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

@IncompleteSenten

I'd get a divorce. Splitting the pot now is better than draining it dry then having nothing. At least this way you can sever financial ties and from that point on whatever you have is yours and she will have to manage on her pension.

@Bluntness100

Some have, some haven't

@MrsLargeEmbodied the government want to rejig student loans so they start getting paid off by the student at £23000 not £27000.....theye therefore are paying more, and sooner

thanks @Purpleheadgirl

I'd stop arranging nights out 'we can't afford it', not book any holidays with him we can't afford it. I would make life as miserable as I could for him. Cheap food 'we can't afford it'. It bloody selfish expecting you to work while he won't even discuss his 'retirement'.

Why have some people decided the spouse is male?

Because it's obvious:

"Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time."
Lower earner doing bulk of housework and childcare: almost always a woman.

"Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids"
Does very little housework despite not working and having a spouse working full time: almost always a man.

OP, LTB.

The very fact the op is cagey about the sex of the spouse makes me think it’s a same sex relationship and the selfish fucker is another woman.

This is bang out of order OP. It's shocking that they are frittering away your hard earned savings. I'd be furious about this cruelty and lack of agency.

Your spouse is incredibly selfish. If my spouse did this without even consulting me, I could no longer be with him.

I'm currently looking at leaving my role to go freelance. We are having endless discussions about this and contingency planning. It's a partnership. There's respect, consideration and forward planning.

We have 2 to put through uni in a couple of years.

@Bagelsandbrie

The very fact the op is cagey about the sex of the spouse makes me think it’s a same sex relationship and the selfish fucker is another woman.

She said they're joint children. I think it's very unlikely that a woman would behave the way this spouse is behaving. Of course I'll be accused of being a typical man-hating mumsnetter which is presumably why the OP wanted to keep it gender neutral in the first place. But then people get distracted and the thread gets derailed by people (myself included) wondering and debating whether it's a man or woman!

You’ll need to take some ACTION to get the OH to wake up and realise the downsides of the situation. Like sitting down and looking at the budget together. If they still don’t get it, you’ll have to reconsider your relationship.

I’m sorry OP, this must be devastating.

What a horrible situation to be in @bestcoffeepot Your DH is being rather selfish.

Firstly, don't hide your crying for after he's gone to bed - make him see it and tell him why you are crying

Move a chunk of savings money into an account he can't access - earmarked for uni subsidy but with a big chunk for you. He can't just be allowed to squander it all. And he's lost the right for pre-did us soon about you doing this. If he can act unilaterally then so can you.

Separate your finances now. Start your own current account and get your salary paid into it, pay into the current account to cover half of the bills and tell him he needs to find the other half.

Force the issue. A huge confrontation is needed, sorry. It's going to be a bumpy road.

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you are totally right - it will be more for the students to pay back

what do you mean here?

Given that it's currently under suggestion that the payback threshold is lowered from a salary of £27k to a salary of £23k this is a big consideration too.

I already have friends whose kids went to Uni, partied hard on mostly loaned money due to their parent's circumstances and given their current lines of employment, it's unlikely they'll be paying any of it back any time soon.

Drop that threshold to £23,000 and they would need to factor in paying it back, reducing their disposable income and ability to save for a deposit/contribute to a pension.

Without working ourselves in to an early grave, I do feel we have a responsibility to contribute but clearly OH sees it differently. I am truly shocked at the total disregard for the impact on other family members.

Thanks for all of the replies.

Whilst I would apologise for all the woke gender anonymity "they" stuff, I deliberately kept it gender neutral to avoid unconscious bias potentially creeping into people's opinions. I considered that I myself might be swayed by knowing the gender if I was replying to this if it weren't my own post.

I agree that it's time to separate finances and I would no longer be hiding my despair. The selfishness and entitlement is gobsmacking and I would be making it very clear that you aren't condoning this behaviour.

What actually happens when you sit them down to talk about it?

I would like to protect the savings, ring-fencing a sum for Uni years contributions, but I'm fairly sure that would lead to trouble one way or another. Possibly ultimately being classed as illegal when divorce happens ? (I'm resigned to it now)

I'd still have to transfer monies from the savings to balance the current account each month anyway to stop us going overdrawn so putting them beyond OH's reach for the time being wouldn't cure the problem. Otherwise I'll have to tell the kids that all the extra curricular stuff will have to stop, their allowances will need to be reduced and I'll need to drastically reduce my own pension contributions in order to balance the current account each month to match the reduced amount coming in. All so that OH can have 7 days a week lie-ins and potter about like a senior citizen whilst only mid-fifties.

@bestcoffeepot

I would like to protect the savings, ring-fencing a sum for Uni years contributions, but I'm fairly sure that would lead to trouble one way or another. Possibly ultimately being classed as illegal when divorce happens ? (I'm resigned to it now)

I'd still have to transfer monies from the savings to balance the current account each month anyway to stop us going overdrawn so putting them beyond OH's reach for the time being wouldn't cure the problem. Otherwise I'll have to tell the kids that all the extra curricular stuff will have to stop, their allowances will need to be reduced and I'll need to drastically reduce my own pension contributions in order to balance the current account each month to match the reduced amount coming in. All so that OH can have 7 days a week lie-ins and potter about like a senior citizen whilst only mid-fifties.

You should tell the kids. Have a family meeting and advise that since their father chooses not to work, X, Y and Z are unaffordable. Show them the new budget on paper.

Do not gyrate quietly trying to patch the gaps created by his choices.

@bestcoffeepot

Thanks for all of the replies.

Whilst I would apologise for all the woke gender anonymity "they" stuff, I deliberately kept it gender neutral to avoid unconscious bias potentially creeping into people's opinions. I considered that I myself might be swayed by knowing the gender if I was replying to this if it weren't my own post.

Most of us don't care if your DP is male or female - all posting as gender neutral does is derail and annoy

Its not as bad as, but is close to, a reverse

Can you put the cash into Child Trust Funds if under 18? This is what we have done.

The gender neutrality is because Mumsnet is full of misandry and hatred of men. So often exactly the same thread gets a different result depending if the poster is male or female. Gender shouldn't make a difference but it does.

As a last gasp attempt to salvage anything could you encourage your OH to seek help for very probable mental health problems?

Equally you maybe don't want to give him ammunition to defend his actions to your children when you tell them there's no money for extra curricular and uni!

So sorry OP - sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.

@Eddielzzard

I agree that it's time to separate finances and I would no longer be hiding my despair. The selfishness and entitlement is gobsmacking and I would be making it very clear that you aren't condoning this behaviour.

What actually happens when you sit them down to talk about it?

Walks away and if I follow and pursue the line of conversation I get shouted at to leave them alone. Makes me feel like a bad person as I realise that being made redundant is horrible but there's so many employment opportunities around at the moment and ignoring that is bizarre. Probably only need another 5 years of working at a good level and then we could both retire. There's no discussion on the possibility of them being depressed permitted either. They had a bad car wreck a few years ago, although came out of it remarkably unscathed and back at work the next week but they will no longer drive themselves and we sold one car as a result. I did always wonder how they'd ever passed their driving test in the first place (not a good driver) and consequently do 90% of family driving as I actually enjoy it. It's not been an issue though as we're lucky that work opportunities would be commutable for them by public transport where we live.

Sex does matter - there's huge structural inequalities still! Pay gap, pension gap (time off for children). Oh for it not to be true and this be genuinely neutral situation!

When adults are of working age and can't afford to retire early, it isn't a gender issue. If you're capable of working and you need the money, you work.

Since they won't talk, the only option is action. I would certainly start restricting access to savings. I'd also start contingency planning quite openly so that your OH is fully aware of what's happening. Tidy up the house for estate agents valuations and get them round. Schedule a meeting with a solicitor to find out your rights. Hopefully your OH will be jolted into action when they see you are at the end of your tether.

That'll go two ways:

1. They crap themselves and start looking for work or at least engage in a discussion.
2. They ignore it all.

At that point you'll at least have a much clearer picture of what your options are.

What a terrible situation. They are being an arse, but also perhaps struggling mentally?

I don't see what you can realistically do if they don't want to work. Either stay or go. Might just be easier to separate.

@Eddielzzard

When adults are of working age and can't afford to retire early, it isn't a gender issue. If you're capable of working and you need the money, you work.

Since they won't talk, the only option is action. I would certainly start restricting access to savings. I'd also start contingency planning quite openly so that your OH is fully aware of what's happening. Tidy up the house for estate agents valuations and get them round. Schedule a meeting with a solicitor to find out your rights. Hopefully your OH will be jolted into action when they see you are at the end of your tether.

That'll go two ways:

1. They crap themselves and start looking for work or at least engage in a discussion.
2. They ignore it all.

At that point you'll at least have a much clearer picture of what your options are.

Id do this.