Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

to not see!

Just seen this pop up. How frustrating for you OP. You just be seething.

Not sure what to suggest when your OH is spending money like it grows on trees and won't discuss anything!

I admire you for serving divorce papers. Keep going. It's shit now but it will be worth it in the long run. Yes, your dreams of the future may not look the same but I guarantee you will be happier. Best wishes.

This all sounds so stressful for you. How will they manage once you divorce? Will they be forced to work then?

If they won't discuss you have to write to them so you have a record. Suggest mediation, or even BOOK mediation and let them know when and where to be. Email them regularly an outline of the family financial position wrt heating being on all day, dipping into savings etc. send evidence of balances daily so they can't claim you were hiding anything.

I'm just mindful of the risk of you being accused of being financially and/or emotionally abusive unless you can evidence the fact that you have tried your best to give them all the evidence of the family finances suffering as a result of them stopping working without discussion.

They/them in the above paragraphs refers to your mysterious gender neutral spouse that is, not the divorce court. (I have played along with your gender neutral thing to be a good sport, but it really does make it much less clear when writing.) Not that it would have made much difference to my response if you were writing about your wife, you don't retire no matter what your age if you are married without having a discussion with your spouse first about it.

It was my presumption too that this is a husband writing about a wife. I can understand that attributing sex might skew people's views but it might be relevant - the spouse is behaving very badly but at 54 my relative had a terrible time with the menopause and was very severely depressed. It's not unknown.

OP I remember your thread.
Sounds a nightmare - but you will get through it.
Just hold thst thought that one day you will be free of this millstone

Are you able to take money you feel is rightly yours (50%) but excluding his redundancy money, and put it separate? Personally I would have done this immediately although it may still have formed part of the divorce pot.

I would all the bills into OH and look at moving out tbh.

Take half of all the savings everything else and let them live in the cold harsh reality of not being able to have any money.

I would investigate financial legal separation to see if that can be done pending divorce.

@bestcoffeepot legal separation is a really good suggestion, my divorce took 5 years because my ex delayed and delayed, I wish we had legally separated sooner

This is really unfair. You don’t take that kind of decision without any discussion with your partner or consideration of the impact it will have on them. If the partner doesn’t want the high pressured job anymore then they should be getting a part time job or something else so that savings aren’t being used to take account of their reduced income.

Can you do some fag packet calcs to show savings disappearing and when they will run out at this level? Or are we too far gone for that and you just need out!!

It does sound very odd this complete refusal
To enagage in any kind of discussion so I am wondering if there's some medical stuff underneath??

@StrongArm

Divorces are expensive and with one person not working, the likelihood is that the person who would end up worse off would be you as you'd lose the most.

Have you tried to speak to your partner? i know people hate discussing money but I think I'd be laying down the law a bit here. Like I need you to get a job by X date.

Is there a fear of not being able to get another job again? As I've seen people go through this.

Divorces needn’t be expensive…mine (for both our costs ) was under £2000 including VAT. The key is that that’ll both be worse off …true …same money for 2 households.

I’d figure out the financial situation if you divorce. Use advice now or mediate for what you’d both likely to end up with.
Tell him that you will divorce him if he doesn’t get a job in x months and this will be his situation - he’ll certainly need to rethink his plans based on only having access to half savings and increased outgoings and Amy make him realise he’ll have to work during “retirement” even part time.
If he doesn’t rethink and refuses to budge…better to divorce
It will destroy your relationship and you’ll end up divorcing later probably in an even poorer financial outcome and even more resentment.

[quote MissSmiley]@bestcoffeepot legal separation is a really good suggestion, my divorce took 5 years because my ex delayed and delayed, I wish we had legally separated sooner[/quote]
I think refusing to work is grounds for unreasonable behaviour if you can’t balance the books so to speak. I’d go with that and a quickie divorce.

They'll have to go back to work once the divorce goes through.

@whatwasIgoingtosay

I really dislike these 'gender blind' threads. Why call your 'spouse' 'they' so carefully?

Totally this . It's very tiresome .

Haven't read the whole thread. Sorry to read about this OP. Think you've done the right thing in serving divorce papers.

When I got to the point of serving divorce papers my solicitor advised me to take all the savings (OH was refusing to give any money to support me and kids, though I was on far lower income.) I didn't feel I could do that, but did remove half the savings, and just as important, took my name from the account and removed overdraft so it couldn't go overdrawn.

Someone upthread said about the relief of having whole control of lesser sum. I agree with this. Of course, whenever a relationship breaks down there are broken dreams. But over the years, despite the real challenges, I have been so grateful to be able to live my life and make my choices. Good luck OP, you'll get through this. I have felt awful at some of the things I felt my choices /the divorce were 'depriving' my young adults of, though of course I gave all I could. We did have to have some difficult conversataions, but they've come out fine, and yours will too.

it hadn't occurred to me that OP might be the husband, and they the wife.
give us a clue, OP !

TheZOMBIE THEAD.

Zombie indeed, though I'd love to know what happened if the OP is still around. Hope things worked out for the best. @bestcoffeepot

Hello all

This thread popped up again so I thought I'd update...

I think I'd previously updated that divorce papers had been served.

OH is contesting anything and everything and making false accusations via their solicitor. It's cost a fortune so far as they are not sticking to any timescale, their form E was a grabby wishlist of what they want from the divorce, oh and they somehow forgot to include 75% of their assets.

It's horrible having to share a house now but the alternative is the kids and I renting somewhere else which will drain our funds massively (I am the main carer even though OH is still not working). OH not working and solicitors fees has used up half of our joint savings.

Solicitors seem to have no sense of urgency and are not pro-active, merely reactive. They now rank behind Estate Agents as far as "professionals not to be trusted/relied upon because they're only really interested in how much they can bill you" in my opinion.

I can't post any of the details of OH's shitty behaviour as it would be totally outing but I'm now on 2 forms of medication and talking to a therapist every couple of months after I experienced a mini-breakdown last year.

I started 2023 with a more positive frame of mind and really hope that I can manage to drag OH to the finishing line by the end of the year as far as the divorce is concerned.

Thanks for "listening". It's good to talk !

Speak to rights of women and see if he is being abusive enough to get an occupation order on the family home which would mean he has to move out. That would speed things up I suspect!

Thanks for updating OP and what a shame things haven't moved much forward. This year will definitely be the year it gets sorted and you can move forward.

@RandomMess Nice thought but then we'll be funding running 2 homes so our savings will be very quickly gone leaving us running up debts to pay solicitors' fees.

All I can presently do is put up with us both under the same roof in order to slow down the rate at which are savings are being used up.

Don't let him pay solicitors with your share of the savings. I hope you've taken your half and put them where your spouse can't access them.
And separated out bank accounts/taken your name off joint bank/credit cards so he can't run up debt and make you legally liable