Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

Because he’s a man and the spouse is a woman

Probably so. If a woman posted about a DH who had decided to take early retirement without discussion, he'd be called all the names under the sun.

If a man posted about his DW wanting to take early retirement without discussion she'd be sympathised with and he'd be called all the names under the sun.

Yeah, this is man posting about his wife. And wants all the women here to agree Shes being UR. Funny really, because I often find that women here are keen to view things in an egalitarian way.

What you haven't said is why. Is your spouse knackered and burnt out and you've not told us? Are they in an industry that overlooks older people? Do they have an horrific commute? Do you do fuck all at home and they have to work and carry the mental load and do the laundry. Are they workshy cunts?

I would transfer the amount that was half the savings before your spouse started dipping into the pot. That is your true half.

Why are some folks deciding the spouse is Male when th op has delibteralty kept it gender neutral?

The spouse is being a dick or 'performing masculinity'. The convention on MN is to refer to the unreasonable person by he/him pronouns.

@Etinoxaurus

Why the 'spouse, them, their' malarky? You have dc, your sexes are pretty relevant. Who took ML?

Irritating isnt it. I always stop reading a short way in because it's jarring.

Good luck OP.

I would I immediately move half the savings into an account they can’t touch, or even all of them

I'd move all of it, then separate monthly finances. It forces The Spouse to face the reality of what's happening when they have to live off their income.

Maybe a divorce is inevitable but after a long and (presumably) happy marriage, I'd want a proper fucking chat before that.

@Etinoxaurus

Why the 'spouse, them, their' malarky? You have dc, your sexes are pretty relevant. Who took ML?

Oh Lord, yes THIS^ I was trying to figure out if this was a threesome. If you have to play the "guess my gender game" just do (s)he or he/she.

Why are you being so secretive about the gender of your partner? Are ‘they’ gender-neutral or like others have speculated are you a man talking about a woman?

@Sweetchocolatecandy

Why are you being so secretive about the gender of your partner? Are ‘they’ gender-neutral or like others have speculated are you a man talking about a woman?

What difference does it make?

@IncompleteSenten

I'd get a divorce. Splitting the pot now is better than draining it dry then having nothing. At least this way you can sever financial ties and from that point on whatever you have is yours and she will have to manage on her pension.

Yup why spend the last decades of your life with such an arse!

Tell him you will be retiring soon as well.
Ask how he suggest you both manage the finances.

If he has a sensible conversation about it, then you have room to plan together. If he won't, then it's the divorce conversation.

@Suzi888 like others have pointed out if the OP’s partner is a woman (as strongly suspected) and has taken ML and has made sacrifices to raise any children then posters may take a more sympathetic approach to the partner’s choice to retire early and ‘take’ money out of the pot.

“Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)”

Why did you naturally expect that they pick up the bulk of stuff around the house?

Why should they do more than your teenagers?

This attitude is what killed your marriage in furlough. I must have been grim being locked down with you.

@ESGdance

“Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)”

Why did you naturally expect that they pick up the bulk of stuff around the house?

Why should they do more than your teenagers?

This attitude is what killed your marriage in furlough. I must have been grim being locked down with you.

Why should they do more than your teenagers? Presumably because the teenagers had schooling.

It’s totally different if it’s the women retiring early ..women’s physical and mental health are usually pushed further that of their husband. she’s had years of working in a high pressure job, years being pregnant and feeding children, sleepless nights and then as they become teenagers and menopause hits!

@Winterautumn

It’s totally different if it’s the women retiring early ..women’s physical and mental health are usually pushed further that of their husband. she’s had years of working in a high pressure job, years being pregnant and feeding children, sleepless nights and then as they become teenagers and menopause hits!

Agree

And men generally are hit harder by loss of career status - more likely to say fuck it all than to try and get any job to bring money in.

@Etinoxaurus

Why the 'spouse, them, their' malarky? You have dc, your sexes are pretty relevant. Who took ML?

It could be a same sex relationship. TBH the partner's sex is irrelevant, but I get unreasonabley irritated with the they/them malarky as well TBH

In your situation I got divorced as I was really angry and couldn’t live with the situation.
The financial settlement was almost derailed as I was seen as the earner by the judge and expected to compensate my unemployed spouse with a monthly payment; luckily he agreed to support himself and we had a 50:50 split.
You can ask for a share of any pension due. It’s possible raising this will make your partner look for work but it’s also impossible to roll back if they agree it’s the best course of action.
Divorce affects everyone and I regret it was necessary but it was the right decision. We all get along okay now - I wanted an amicable relationship.
I will own my smaller home next year. Don’t worry too much about university costs as your children can claim more of a maintenance grant / loan with a lower income.
Having my husband at home all of the time helped me realise we were not compatible and retirement would not have been enjoyable together. I hope you can work it out either way.

I’d announce excitedly at the Christmas table that I was giving in my notice at work, and looking forward to all my new spare time.

Then privately I’d let my spouse know that I’d contacted a divorce solicitor- since apparently we were making unilateral life decisions these days.

I’d also be making their ‘free days at home’ a living hell. No way would I share a bed with someone so closed and selfish. There’d be a good long list everyday of things that needed doing, dinner meal ideas/recipes, etc.

With public questions afterwards as to why they aren’t done? The alternative to private adult conversations (which they think they can avoid) is toddler public tantrums. See which they prefer. Silence is not an option in the short term, go nuclear i say!

The lack of communication is a problem. Is this out of character? Because if they are usually more open/communicative over things this could be a sign of depression.

You also say relationship deteriorated over furlough, which also makes me a think there may be a mental/emotional health issue going on.

Thank hwy could be in deep denial and just refusing to face things. Discussion would mean accepting and confronting the reality and it would be too overwhelming.

To be fair, I think redundancy at 55, after a period of furlough (and so out of the swing of things) would be pretty daunting. That doesn’t make how they are acting ok, but it might explain it a bit.

Do you think they might come round/even out after a bit of time? It might be an idea to set a time limit for yourself. This could be 3-6 months after redundancy or after Christmas in the beginning of 2022.

Tell them something like “I know this has been a big shock for you and you need to time to come to terms with it. I have every fa airy in you that you will manage to do that and I am confident we can find a path through this. For my peace of mind I need for us to jointly work out how we move forward from here. So I will need for us to be talking about this widely at depth by (deadline). If you need some counselling or coaching in advance of that I’m happy for you to get that support”.

Then have the discussion. If they refuse to discuss then I think you need to leave them.

If they ask for a different time period then I think you need to be flexible about that within reason, especially if they want to take some other action in the meantime (counselling, anti-depressants etc).

If they will have the discussion, then make sure it’s an open one. You might need to discuss things like downsizing, training or small businesses as well as job hunting.

It’s a real hard situation, sorry you’re having to face this.

Prior to being furloughed, how were the lines of communication between you? Were you able to discuss difficult issues freely and be listened to or has it always been hard to talk openly and honestly?

Have you told your Spouse that you’re considering ending the relationship unless they’re prepared to sit down and discuss how they see the (financial) future in more detail with you?

Until you are both able to open up and discuss the issues affecting all of the family, without letting emotion take over, it does sound like you’re going to have to make some decisions on your own.

@Winterautumn

It’s totally different if it’s the women retiring early ..women’s physical and mental health are usually pushed further that of their husband. she’s had years of working in a high pressure job, years being pregnant and feeding children, sleepless nights and then as they become teenagers and menopause hits!

What sexist claptrap.

@Winterautumn

It’s totally different if it’s the women retiring early ..women’s physical and mental health are usually pushed further that of their husband. she’s had years of working in a high pressure job, years being pregnant and feeding children, sleepless nights and then as they become teenagers and menopause hits!

For gods sake, 😱

WHY to the gender neutral? Really irritating. I hope you don’t irritate your spouse like this.

@Winterautumn

It’s totally different if it’s the women retiring early ..women’s physical and mental health are usually pushed further that of their husband. she’s had years of working in a high pressure job, years being pregnant and feeding children, sleepless nights and then as they become teenagers and menopause hits!

Well if we're being stereotypical, what about a man who's worked on a building site for nigh on 40 years and wants to retire early because he's knackered and incapable of heavy work in his late 50s? Or he's worked shifts in heavy industry? It's not just women who want and might need to retire early.