Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Please help, I'm in serious trouble

269 replies

trouble20 · 27/08/2021 15:03

I'll try to make sense here but I'm really panicking and need help.

About six years ago dh was suddenly sacked and we had to claim benefits for about two months before he got another job. As I was working part time I received a considerable amount in tax credits (hadn't had them before).

Dh got a new job but the tax credit kept being paid and I didn't inform them for a few months as I really needed the money. I know this was wrong.

Today dh has had £700 taken from his wages as DEA. He thinks it's a mistake and it can't be right but I know that it's probably around 8000 in total as I had a letter about it a few years ago.

I cannot tell him. I know he'll find out when he speaks to DWp but I truly can't tell him.
He is quite controlling with money, I don't work so he transfers money every two weeks to pay for groceries but I don't have access to money or any of my own.

He earns good money but £700 a month will cripple us, is there any way to reduce this amount?
Sorry if I'm not making sense but I'm seriously scared.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 27/08/2021 18:51

@Marni83

Op You committed benefit fraud They would investigate A compliance officer would call you You have not received an overpayment Something totally different
Tax credits would always know her income and adjust the amount due automatically.

Op didn't commit benefit fraud. She was late telling them know about a change in circumstance. Right OP?

OP you need a job. And quickly.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2021 18:51

If he was on the phone you must know what it’s for now? And before your last post?

Marni83 · 27/08/2021 18:52

@Aubree17

Not notifying if a change of circumstance for many months IS benefit fraud
How odd you’d think it wasn’t

Thelnebriati · 27/08/2021 18:55

trouble20
Have a think about what sort of help you want.
IMO your best bet is to talk to Women's Aid and get some advice. They will have seen all of this before and should be able to set you up with a solicitor to talk over your options. When you do, you need to be completely up front and honest with them. Have all the paperwork with you.

HalzTangz · 27/08/2021 18:55

[quote Marni83]@Aubree17

Not notifying if a change of circumstance for many months IS benefit fraud
How odd you’d think it wasn’t[/quote]
This. It becomes fraud when you continue to claim when you shouldn't. So by the OPs omission she claimed 4 months worth that she wasn't eligible for.

I'm also curious why the OP has ignored all the posts asking if the husband has always been controlling or only became controlling when the balliffs rocked up

Modog · 27/08/2021 18:57

I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation once and that horrible sick feeling just doesn't budge, does it
Just be honest with dea they aren't total monsters and remember that everything passes.

Sending you a heartfelt hug

peacelily3 · 27/08/2021 18:59

Clearly many people need to look up the definition of fraud ! Fraud : wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain.

OP has stated she didn't tell them of her change of circumstances because it was benefiting her aka personal gain !

AcrossthePond55 · 27/08/2021 19:03

This is a vicious cycle you're living in. He is financially abusive so you have to keep secrets and create debt he knows nothing about. Then he finds out which makes him even more financially abusive so you keep more secrets and, well, you get my drift.

Add to that the fact that he 'won't let' you work weekends and it sounds to me as if he has you where he wants you. Because honestly, if DH or I needed to produce an income neither of us would care what shifts or days the other worked, we'd do our best to facilitate them.

You're going to have to face this 'storm', but I think you really need to start trying to get the hell out of Dodge.

Original poster
trouble20 · 27/08/2021 19:04

Dh didn't end up speaking to anyone as he was on hold for an hour and then they hung up.

I wasn't aware that I had avoided answering the question but yes, he's always been funny about money which is sort of why the bailiff/council tax issue occurred.

I do appreciate the advice and support but I'm pretty overwhelmed right now so I probably won't answer anymore tonight, thank you.

OP posts:
Gilly12345 · 27/08/2021 19:07

This is a very difficult situation, I think you will have to tell him about the tax credit problem and find a repayment solution also you need to get a job as you need your own money as he is financially abusive, unfortunately most jobs in retail involve weekend working so he will have to adjust to that idea if you want more money for yourself and the family.

CatherinaJTV · 27/08/2021 19:09

@knittingaddict

By the way, you're in a financially abusive relationship and I would give Women's Aid a call asap and talk to them about your partner withholding money from you.
this
Boysnme · 27/08/2021 19:10

OP I hope you are ok and have found out what it is.

If it’s not child benefit then you do need to get that sorted with your DP. He will be due to pay back a portion from when he was earning more than £50k less pension & childcare contributions plus any bonus on a sliding scale to £60k when it all needs paid back.

We got caught out on this and had to pay it back plus a fine for being late with the tax return. My DH (who claimed the benefit as he didn’t work) continued to make the claim to ensure that he still received his national insurance payments but we didn’t take the payment. That could be an option for you. Or alternatively if you get the payment made to you and you need it to live off then your DP needs to do a tax return and pay it back.

You also need to get advice on the financial abuse he’s putting you through. I’m on a similar wave and my DH has full access to all bank accounts - Id never just give him an allowance to work with.

BittaOrange · 27/08/2021 19:10

@Accidentgirlfriend

I think you have issues that are not just this overpayment !
This speak to them about the overpayment they will likely let you pay it interest free over 10 years. Then make plans to leave your awful partner, this is no way to live Flowers
GreyhoundG1rl · 27/08/2021 19:12

@trouble20

Dh didn't end up speaking to anyone as he was on hold for an hour and then they hung up.

I wasn't aware that I had avoided answering the question but yes, he's always been funny about money which is sort of why the bailiff/council tax issue occurred.

I do appreciate the advice and support but I'm pretty overwhelmed right now so I probably won't answer anymore tonight, thank you.

Flowers
2reefsin30knots · 27/08/2021 19:12

OP why on EARTH don't you have a job?? Your children are 12 and 14, you could have been back at work for years.

You don't need to be beholden to a financially controlling man.

Start some agency work- anything- ASAP and get some money of your own coming in.

serialname · 27/08/2021 19:18

Please speak to women's aid. If he is earning £63,000 pa. and you have £150 a week to cover food, kids, water etc. He is financially abusive. Telling you not to get a job that involves weekends is a means to keeping you beholden to him.

If you left, and claimed benefits / found a job and claimed ch d support through the CSA you would be far better off!

AliceMcK · 27/08/2021 19:19

I can’t tell if your in a controlling financially abusive relationship or if your DH is doing what he needs to do as you have a problem paying bills and lying about it…

£300 a fortnight could go a long way or a little depending on the costs of the things involved. On the other hand £300 a fortnight out of a £63k salary isn’t a huge amount. I’m assuming DH paying for rent, council tax and power etc…?

As someone who is married to someone who can not manage finances and has lied in the past after getting overwhelmed I fully understand your DH controlling things. For me it’s different as it’s DH working and earning with me at home, but I oversee every aspect of our finances and question anything slightly out of place. Some people might see it as me being controlling but they don’t know our past. DH stresses about anything money related so it helps him if I control the finances and now I fully know what’s what.

The worse part of being in a relationship like this is the lies, if my DH had owned up and been upfront with me our marriage would not have nearly been destroyed. Although we’ve moved on he knows that my trust isn’t as it once was and if he fucks up again we will be done.

In your position I would definitely own up, as this would’ve a final straw for be to have my pay docked and be humiliated at work and on the phone to DWP when my partner is the cause of it and deliberately left me stressing and in the dark.

But if you feel your in an abusive relationship, you need to get help.

As a side note, dose DH know about your catalogue debt and other debt?

CommanderBurnham · 27/08/2021 19:19

Just say you thought the debt had been written off as you hadn't heard anything. If he asks just say you spent it on stuff the kids needed.

MyDcAreMarvel · 27/08/2021 19:22

@Marni83 that’s not how tax credits worked. It was ok not to notify of a change until renewal time.

felulageller · 27/08/2021 19:23

There are so many shitty men out there.

How does financial abuse like this get so normalised?

Op go to women's aid. Get a job. You and the DC's will be much happier.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 27/08/2021 19:23

OP yes the benefits issue needs to be dealt with, PP have given good advice (eg Stepchange). However to me the main, bigger issue is your horrendous marriage - this is NOT how a marriage or any sort of relationship is supposed to be! Your H is a controlling, abusive dickhead. He treats you like shit. I just can't even imagine being in some sort of 'relationship' with a man who earns a good wage but doles out small amounts of allowance to me and expects me to pay for the bulk of family expenses from this. It's just unimaginable. I really hope that you are able to see this, if not now then one day, and set yourself free from this disgusting abuser.

TatianaBis · 27/08/2021 19:25

OP Can you please explain why you think the £700 deduction is related to the letter you had "a few years ago".

The DWP wouldn't suddenly start deducting money some years after a letter. And they wouldn't deduct money without telling you.

Marni83 · 27/08/2021 19:26

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Marni83 that’s not how tax credits worked. It was ok not to notify of a change until renewal time.[/quote]
Yes you’re right

But £8000? And this was 7 years ago.

2reefsin30knots · 27/08/2021 19:29

I just can't even imagine being in some sort of 'relationship' with a man who earns a good wage.... and therefore thinking I didn't need to contribute financially or have my own financial security. Why do people do this to themselves?

aginandtonic · 27/08/2021 19:29

@AliceMcK

I can’t tell if your in a controlling financially abusive relationship or if your DH is doing what he needs to do as you have a problem paying bills and lying about it…

£300 a fortnight could go a long way or a little depending on the costs of the things involved. On the other hand £300 a fortnight out of a £63k salary isn’t a huge amount. I’m assuming DH paying for rent, council tax and power etc…?

As someone who is married to someone who can not manage finances and has lied in the past after getting overwhelmed I fully understand your DH controlling things. For me it’s different as it’s DH working and earning with me at home, but I oversee every aspect of our finances and question anything slightly out of place. Some people might see it as me being controlling but they don’t know our past. DH stresses about anything money related so it helps him if I control the finances and now I fully know what’s what.

The worse part of being in a relationship like this is the lies, if my DH had owned up and been upfront with me our marriage would not have nearly been destroyed. Although we’ve moved on he knows that my trust isn’t as it once was and if he fucks up again we will be done.

In your position I would definitely own up, as this would’ve a final straw for be to have my pay docked and be humiliated at work and on the phone to DWP when my partner is the cause of it and deliberately left me stressing and in the dark.

But if you feel your in an abusive relationship, you need to get help.

As a side note, dose DH know about your catalogue debt and other debt?

OP has £300 a fortnight for these things:

Food
Cleaning stuff etc
Clothes for the children
My phone
Fuel, I don't use a lot though
Dog groomers
Contents insurance
Water
Tv license
Netflix
Toiletries for me and the children
School trips
Some birthday and Christmas presents
I'm sure there's something else I'm forgetting.