Please help, I'm in serious trouble

[trouble20]

I'll try to make sense here but I'm really panicking and need help.

About six years ago dh was suddenly sacked and we had to claim benefits for about two months before he got another job. As I was working part time I received a considerable amount in tax credits (hadn't had them before).

Dh got a new job but the tax credit kept being paid and I didn't inform them for a few months as I really needed the money. I know this was wrong.

Today dh has had £700 taken from his wages as DEA. He thinks it's a mistake and it can't be right but I know that it's probably around 8000 in total as I had a letter about it a few years ago.

I cannot tell him. I know he'll find out when he speaks to DWp but I truly can't tell him.
He is quite controlling with money, I don't work so he transfers money every two weeks to pay for groceries but I don't have access to money or any of my own.

He earns good money but £700 a month will cripple us, is there any way to reduce this amount?
Sorry if I'm not making sense but I'm seriously scared.

@butterpuffed

I'm not convinced that it's connected to the tax credits . if the over payment was £4,000 , surely they wouldn't take as much as £700 a month.

Assuming it is actually 4k and not the original 8k she said it was

But if he's taking control of money why isnt he paying all the bills and giving her just play money? It makes no sense to give her what he's giving her if he's genuinely concerned that she can't budget

@BarbaraofSeville

£40-70 per week on shopping is not unnecessarily low at all, it’s just not over indulgent. Lots of people have no choice but to feed their families on less than this

But that amount is way below average and very hard to stick to, plus a family with a £63k income can afford way more.

Even someone going through bankruptcy would be allowed £5-600 pm for groceries in their income payment order, so it's really not considered over indulgent.

The DH is very likely abusing the OP by keeping her short of money and making it difficult or impossible for her to work.

I don't think it's below average at all, our household (2 adults and 1 child) has annual wage of 87k. My weekly food bill is £50 give or take a couple of quid. We buy sweets, chocolates and cakes as well as decent food for meals, cleaning products and dog food. We buy what we need rather than oooh that looks good let's buy that (and ends up sitting in the cupboard for months)

He hasn't refused her he just said he doesn't want her to do that, maybe he likes family time at weekends. She's using that as an excuse to not get work when there are retail jobs that are just m-f, Next being one that is currently advertising for m-f retail workers

OP, are you okay?

Has he found out yet and if so, are you safe?

TBH OP, with a £60k salary coming in, and only two kids, it shouldn't be that difficult to pay off the £4.7k.

To put it bluntly, you have been knowingly stealing money from the benefits system because your DH doesn't give you money.

You need to address your own lack of income, either by asking DH for money, or by becoming financial less dependent on him if you're not the kind of couple that pools all income for the family benefit.

.

I think I am lore shocked that £700 is missing from his wage and he decided to hang up because he was on hold too long.

And now this will dragged put all bank holiday. Its going to make them destitute and he is really controlling with money, op has done this before and he just decided he would wait until Tuesday?

Seems very odd.

@HalzTangz nearly 5k a month and you're spending £200 on food shopping? I know it's not the point of this thread but I find that utterly bizarre. We really dont value diet in this country.

On that income I'd be valuing local ethical produce, organic... my family's insides would be singing.

I'm massively projecting but living on benefits and relying on foodbank one week of the month I find it absolutely baffling that people with means don't value nutrition more

The very fact that the OP is frightened of him finding out makes me believe that there is financial abuse going on, tbh. There's

Having only £600 a month to pay for all the food, toiletries, cleaning stuff, some of the outgoings and most of the clothes for a family of 4 (two of whom are teens, who eat huge amounts and grow out of their clothes), and pay some of the bills is outrageous when her partner is bringing home somewhere around £3.5-4k a month is abusive too, imo.

I think you need to be very frank with him, OP, and explain that the money you get from him isn't enough to pay for all the things you have to pay for. Make a list of everything you pay for and how much, including irregular spending like clothes and total it up, so he can see that isn't enough. Don't forget to include things like school uniform, dinners and trips. Remind him that you can't get a job because the only work you could do would involve working weekends, and he doesn't want you to do that.

Do you think he spends much on himself or his car?

Don't fret about the DEA unless he asks you directly if you know what it might be for. If he does, only you can judge whether or not it would be best to own up that this could be a TC overpayment from years ago. If you do, and he frightens you, just leave, go to a friend's or family member.

Also speak to Women's Aid and see what they say.

If you did leave, you'd be entitled to Universal Credit and some maintenance from him. And the maintenance wouldn't come into the UC calculation, so you'd still get full UC until you manage to finds a job.

My ExH was financially (and emotionally) abusive and I know how fearful it makes you feel. And how liberating it is to get out of that relationship.

Good luck.

[quote helentomelon]@HalzTangz nearly 5k a month and you're spending £200 on food shopping? I know it's not the point of this thread but I find that utterly bizarre. We really dont value diet in this country.

On that income I'd be valuing local ethical produce, organic... my family's insides would be singing.

I'm massively projecting but living on benefits and relying on foodbank one week of the month I find it absolutely baffling that people with means don't value nutrition more [/quote]
We eat fresh vegetables and fresh baked bread, we grow a lot of our own veg and salad items. Please explain exactly how that isn't valuing nutrition.

I think it's a little warped for you to assume spending £200 must mean buying unhealthy food

Ah okay so the £200 isn't buying all your food then. You grow a lot yourself.

Regardless of who handles the finances and how they are handled both members of a married couple should have a complete picture of the family finances. They should both know how much comes in and how much goes out and where it goes. How can anyone plan for the future otherwise? Anything else is financial abuse.

Hi OP did you find anything out?

I think your guilty conscience has kicked in here. It could be tax credits or child benefit so don't admit anything to him He's abusing you - £150 a week would barely pay your food bill!
I agree you need a job for your own sake . Take what you can get whether it's weeknds or not - it's not up to him.

I always think it’s a bit shit of OP to disappear when some posters have really tried to help and support

Mind you, I suspect sticking head in sand hoping it will all go away

I really hope you are ok OP

You wouldn't be destitute if you left him op, that's something I guess he's said to you to try and control you further.

As you're aware tax credits or UC etc are good and you'd also be able to claim housing benefit etc if you left. Plus you'd also get child maint from your dh. Someone earning about 60k would be required to pay around 5/600 a month.

Go onto entitled.com and use the calculator to give you an idea of how much you could claim if you left

@LalalalalalaLand123

Its not the bulk though is it? Rent for a three bedroom house has got to be pushing £1k alone, he's paying council tax which is £150 a month at a guess. He's paying home insurance, car insurance, internet, gas and electric, most gifts and presents by the sound of it.

OP lists 'netflix' and 'dog groomers' among her expenses... I mean dog groomers, seriously? Can't you groom your own dogs while your teenage children are at school?

People very quick to throw around 'financial abuse' on this thread. I don't see this situation as abuse. The problem is OP not contributing anything and being totally dependent on her husband. If he truly stops you taking jobs involving weekend work then that is wrong, but what is to stop OP retraining during all the time she must have to get a 9-5 job and being able to contribute something?