Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

But she isn't paying off uni fees, so there's that.

I wonder if your parents have been scammed out of some or all of their savings and don’t want to tell you?

If I were in your shoes I’d probably begrudgingly pay it because it will make your mum feel better even though she probably doesn’t need it.

It's a very small amount so won't really help. As you can't help this is probably your Mum's way of thinking you are helping her, even though realistically you are not. I wouldn't personally argue over such a small amount. It is just a token gesture. Your Mum is going through an extremely difficult time. Unless she was abusive, I don't understand your coldness.

There's no denying your Mum is in a hard place.
But, she does not need money at this time and if she has pensions, owns her own home, has savings etc then she should use these before asking for financial help - but if she did get her savings down she would be entitled to benefits.
Many people these days are in a far worse state than our parents and would not be able to do this. If you are especially well off and would not miss the cash, then it's up to you. Personally I would not be able to say yes because I haven't got a pension myself sorted yet , or other things my parents do have- and need money to do that.

@itchyfinger

Well said..

It is an opportunity to offer support if you have the funds to do so.
I wouldn’t personally wish to be part of a united front against my parents wishes while my Dad’s health was very fast deteriorating.
Yes your Mum is conveying desperate guilt tripping pleas but none of us behave calmly at this time of our lives, and no doubt what others say is right, they both are scared about the future
Your Dad already feels upset about his loss of independence and health, and now he is scared and upset that his savings are quickly disappearing.

It’s a shit system and people often don’t complain because they only find out when they are at their most vulnerable.

No you and your siblings shouldn’t contribute. Your parents have enough savings to pay for your dads care. The same thing happened to an elderly relative of mine. He’d saved all his life, never married, had a good pension. When he became ill it cost him over £1000 per month for his care, all paid with his savings. A different relative had never worked, no savings and got her care free. The system is a joke, however that’s an entirely different thread! 😂

Your mum is being very unreasonable imo. No matter if you can afford the £50 per month each, what should you ... you need to live and budget for your own life and possible eventualities.

Seriously? £50 a month is a tiny sum in today's world. I'd pay it just to ease some of her stress. Presumably your dad is dying, so it's very little to give just for the emotional prop it gives them. I suppose too DM is giving a lot of care which you are not on a practical level. Seems stingy in the extreme to begrudge them this.

Dh and I paid £200 a month to help DS buy is first flat and struggled with the mortgage for around 5 years. Parents give an awful lot to their children, so £50 for your own father is nothing.

I think I would try to think about it like this. Although you are in no way obliged to pay, your dad has deteriorated rapidly and so sadly (I assume) is unlikely to have long to live. Paying £50 a month for what may only be a matter of months is not coming out at a huge amount financially but might enable your mother to feel she is supported and able to cope at a really difficult time, not least because of the pandemic.
I'd also remember that if your mother wasn't caring for him and he went into a home they'd be paying that much per week for care and any inheritance would very quickly disappear.

I guess your Mum feels really alone, as she is shouldering this big financial burden on her own.

She is looking at potentially losing her life partner who previously was there with her to face these things.

She's worried that all the savings will go on your Dad's care and how will she get on without the cushion of their savings? And when it's her turn, will there be nothing left for her?

She feels she made a lot of sacrifices to feel safe. But now she doesn't feel safe any more.

If the price of safe for your Mum is £50, I'd try to find a way to pay it.

More importantly you need to go through all the finances and the "what if's" with her so she sees she has plenty of financial cushioning to get through this dark time and whatever else the future holds.

Your Mum is being massively unreasonable. You don't give things to your children in expectation they will pay your care cost in old age. If they have savings they can pay it themselves. Don't let your Mum guilt trip you I to paying their bills.

If it were my mum I would have asked her what she needs from me before she could ask me to for help.As long as I can afford it I regularly contribute to my parent's living whether or not they 'need' it.

I am black British and have found that my white British friends do none of this and their relationship with their parents is very different, so perhaps it is very normal for you to push back on it if you are white British. If you are not, I would think it would be very shaming for you to refuse your parent on this issue.

It's probably less of a cultural issue and more about, in the UK, it is often the case that parents in their 70s are far wealthier than their offspring, as is the case here - this age group has often had financial advantages that people older than them as well as their offspring haven't had and even ordinary people have been able to accrue significant wealth. They might need practical help, but they certainly don't need financial help.

For people who have older relatives overseas or (great) grandparents, it's often more likely that those older people need looking after in their old age because they don't have huge housing wealth and there isn't a state pension or it is very very small. I know a family partly of Eastern European heritage and it was very much the expectation that parents lived with their children in later life, even though those parents were doctors in their working life but weren't particularly well paid or entitled to retirement benefits.

And yes, once lockdown is over we should hopefully be able to visit them in person which will help, and make them feel less abandoned.

In your shoes, I would ignore lockdown and visit now. You are allowed to travel to provide care for vulnerable relatives. Your mum sounds very vulnerable right now. I wouldn't make her wait another month or couple of months or however long it's going to be.

It doesn't sound like she needs the £50. That sounds like a cry for help. It sounds like what she really needs is her family there so she can have a cry and feel like someone cares that she is ok. It will also be much easier to go through all the financials together over a cup of tea and come up with a plan so she knows that everything is going to be ok.

I think if you don’t want to offer the 50 pounds a month out of principle ... then I would say this:

“Mum I don’t think 50 pounds a month would be that helpful since you already have much more money. But I don’t want you to feel alone in these struggles and clearly you want us to contribute some effort towards thing. This is what I’m
Willing to offer:

• I can do your online shopping
• I can call dad everyday entertain him for half an hour while you get time to unwind
• I can ....... “

I think you mum wants you to step up and be involved so it doesn’t all fall on her and that’s a fair request but she is thinking due to the distance money is the only way you can do that.

To be honest, I would’ve actually said

“Mum, 50 pounds is too little. I’d give a 200 so you can get a cleaner and take burden off yourself”: but that’s me

And I don’t think it’s guilt tripping. I actually believe in my moral philosophy that our parents are naturally entitled for reciprocation from us when one of them is compromised.

A family member falling ill with health should be a responsibly for an entire family if they are able to not just the remaining parent. An elderly parent being a carer is a pretty difficult way to retire since beinf a career is not considered retiring is it!!

Put yourself in your Mum's shoes. She's probably quite humiliated having to ask her kids for help. Unless yo really can't spare it of course you should contribute. If you can't afford it then help out in some other way. She shouldn't have to ask. She has enough on her plate.

@LetMeBubble
I like your examples of how op could support her mum. They’re so practical. Similar to how I try to help my parents.

How far does that entitlement you talk of go though?

Would you expect someone who has a very difficult relationship with their parents due to childhood abuse or neglect to contribute to their parents care?

Do you expect an adult only child to take the burden of caring for two elderly parents alongside whatever responsibility it’s they have to their own family (both in terms of emotional/financial/practical responsibilities)? I couldn’t afford to give up work to care for a parent for example.

I agree with your idea in theory. In reality though many people just aren’t in the position to offer substantial money for care, to give up jobs to provide substantial care or have supportive wider families to help shoulder the care.

My parents recently moved to a bungalow due to my mums needs. I gave them some money towards the cost of the move, lent them money to buy carpets when their credit for carpets was declined, helped pack up their house, take things to the tip and helped (and got others to help) with the actual move. I’ve offered to have my mum a few nights if dad wants a rest or to go away for a night with a friend.

I don’t feel I could do more than that though without compromising my own family, time for my children/financial stability etc.

This is incredibly sad. I don't have a great relationship with my parents but if my mother asked for a little financial support, while my dad was seriously ill, I would not think twice. I don't feel I owe them for bringing me up or anything like that, I would simply feel some compassion for her in such a sad and difficult situation.

If you were living nearby and able to provide some emotional and practical support that might be different but it sounds like the poor woman is very much alone in this situation.

I know I can be cold but bloody hell, this thread is shocking.

I differ from most here but coming from a country where parents do a lot for the kids and expect a lot in return, some even a lot more, I'd say it isn't a question for a major debate. £50 a month for the people who you meant (or still mean) the world, like my kids do to me now, is nothing! It is clearly a psychological thing in your parent's case, they probably just want to feel cared for with the £ 150 or £ 200 coming their way every month. If they think its worth asking their children, they probably really need it to feel secure, knowing their kids care for them. If you can afford it, should you not just do it? What goes around comes around and acts of kindness always do. You will set a great example for your kids too. It's a few bucks, when your dad is dead, and you have a change of heart about the 50 quid, there will be little you can do.

If you can afford it why wouldn’t you?

Sadly, it won’t be for long. You don’t say you are pushed for money, your Mum wants a sense of security and team effort.

There are lots of things you could do, too. Organise a regular delivery from ‘Cook’ frozen meals. St d your Mum flowers.

It may be that their savings are hard to draw down without compromising them. Your Dad might be resisting paying for care as he is worried s of leaving your Mum with diminshed resources. (Doesn’t have to be rational).

In truth, my first impetus , along with my siblings, would be ‘how can we help, do you need money to tide you over?’. You and your siblings sound cold. It isn’t all about the ‘no financial benefit’.

Find a practical way of helping in person

@RainingBatsAndFrogs I like the idea of organising things like a Cook delivery. I arranged a milk delivery for my DPs at the start of the first lockdown and would never dream of asking money for it - but we're in a different situation as my DM never stops telling me how bad it is she hasn't paid it back. To me paying for a service or groceries is totally different from handing over money.

I don't think it's that cold to question giving money when it seems in the surface that DPs don't actually need it. So either it is a cry for help or there's some financial issues they aren't discussing.

I do think a face to face visit is needed.

I would contribute the 50 quid or more if I could. That is my dad and he needs it. It's not for fun. It's for his health.
God bless him.