Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

I think my thoughts are as follows:

1. Check what benefits you're entitled to, specifically attendance allowance (and carers allowance for your mum if appropriate). Possibly CHC but unless it's very severe needs I think this is unlikely. Attendance allowance can be up to £90 a week. The suggestion of Macmillan to help with this might help with this?
2. Divide the £100k in to two: no point spending extra to extend the time your parents have to pay their own care and ending up in the same place. Half of the money is your mum's.
3. You and your siblings are allowed to visit your parents to provide respite care. I would recommend doing this, it must be a very hard time for your mother.

@Hepsie

Yes agree it's symbolic. I'm wondering if your parents have applied for CHC funding given your dad's diagnosis.

In my experience this is v hard to get and made almost impossible. But maybe it varies by area. We are in Berkshire.

If their assets are c. £600k it seems unlikely that IHT would apply.

Although the logic of give them money now so you can have it later is still off.

Where does it end though. 3 months down the line and £50 isn’t enough and becomes £100. Your dad passes away and mum is on her own and £100 isn’t enough and she needs more because she is grieving.

Personally, I’d check she’s getting all the help and benefits she can in the first instance.

Maybe tell your mother you wil put £50 per month into a savings account and then if her cash drops below £x level - now or when she needs her own care in the future- you will give it to her as a lump?

That's a great idea!

Is she worried that she’s going to lose your father AND her home?

Before anyone contributes or they continue paying - have you had a full care assessment from the local authority (assuming you are in the UK). You can get a lot of help at no cost from the LA - the house will not be counted as an asset in this case because they are living in it. LAs do a lot to help people stay in their homes these days as it is cheaper.

I'd tell her please don't worry about inheritance. It's your money, not my inheritance. Just spend it on dad's care. The money you saved is to take care of you, I'd rather have you and dad use your money to buy good care when you need it than get cash after you're gone.

Whilst it's not normal and makes no financial sense, I think I would go ahead and contribute anyway. The most rational argument is that if you lived closer and had time you would be sure to pop in every week or fortnight to do what you could to help, and as you can't do that you can chuck a little in the pot towards the general effort of providing care.

I would think that if your mum is relatively healthy she is worried that all their joint assets will be used up on care for him, and she will be left widowed and in poverty for years. She needs reassurance that this won't happen, and possibly support to manage the finances.

Your mother is alone and frightened. I think she feels abandoned by you and your siblings and has asked for this as some gesture of love and support that she feels is lacking.

If the savings get eaten up with your Dad's care then she needs care would you step in then? This must be at the back of her mind - she may also need care.

I think you and your siblings sound quite callous and feel very sorry for your mum, especially as you admit your parents supported you financailly well into adulthood.

They would get none means tested benefit of £350 per months if your father is in the later stages of his life
It will not matter if they have a million in the bank they can still qualify if your father is terminally ill

apply online and get doctors letter for attendance allowance

www.gov.uk/terminal-illness-benefits here is the link

if your father is not yet terminally ill but needs care then the claim can still be made but will be a lower amount - around £50 per week

I’m a bit confused on a couple of points...can someone clarify

1. If ops father needs nursing for cancer surely that is nursing costs not social care costs and covered by nhs? Why is he being asked to pay for end of life care?
2. Inheritance tax is paid on estates over a certain amount...the op will not pay tax on inheritance unless her parents leave her a substantial inheritance and then only on the portion exceeding the limit

@CodenameVillanelle why would they be paying 40% inheritance tax? from what the op has written it wouldn't seem there is over a million to inherit and both parents would have a £325k tax free making £650 in total to leave the 3 children who are direct descendants

@AnitaB888

OP, I am not clear on whether your Dad is actually in residential care or being nursed at home, could you clarify?

I ask because £500 - £1000, per month for a care home is a surprisingly low amount, it's more like that amount per week.

And no other adult children that I know of have been asked to contribute in this way.

This has been mentioned several times if you read the thread. They have domiciliary carers coming to the house a couple of times a day.

Remember that they have their income as well as savings. The assets that they have suggest a good income, it could well be that your DF would be financially assessed to pay the full cost of his home care, even without the savings. It is not uncommon for people with cancer to pay for their care.

I think I would pay anyway at the moment, but I guess the worry is where it will end.

I would personally pay the £50 a month if it makes your dmum feel better. We have this sometimes with a family member, she's ill but her dd can't help physically as much as the dm would like, but a £50/£60 shop turning up every month makes the dm feel supported.

Alternatively you could try and ease the physical burden with online shopping if they don't know how to do it, a cleaner or a gardener. It's not about the money, it's about your dm struggling with her husband dying and feeling helpless and wanting to say to herself 'I'm not alone, my dcs do x,y,z'. for you all, it's incredibly difficult for everyone.

Do not pay a penny out, it’s not for you to do.
My FIL became instantly dependent when his wife died.
My DH was doing his shopping, and it turned out that he was paying for it out of our joint account !!!
I went absolutely ballistic. This is a man in a £300,000.00 house with his wife’s inheritance and two pensions a month.
Absolutely no way.

No, not normal in my experience.

I'd suspect financial difficulties. Have they done 'equity release' by any chance? What proof of savings do you have?

When my parents needed care, I contributed by buying food and personal items, cleaning for them and taking them to appointments, getting minor alterations done on the house but care costs came from their own savings and eventually the proceeds of the house sale.

They're being irrational so you need to find out why.

Just wanted to add about the continuing care that it is worth doing, and then worth appealing. In my experience the first assessment said no, but we appealed and then they agreed to fund carers as well as backdated a refund of some costs already paid. Also (if they do turn you down) keep reviewing the situation and apply again if your Dad’s needs change. There are a lot of forms, and you will need to be clear that the situation has arisen from illness rather than general old age, but persevere. This is something that you can help with from a distance too, if you fill in the application for your parents, so your Mum can feel supported.

My relatives were also given misinformation about savings levels from people who did the first assessment. For continuing care, the only criteria are your medical/healthcare needs. They do not take your assets into account. Just like the NHS will admit you to hospital, and your GP will treat you, however much money you have.

No not normal.
If anything happens to your mum then there may not be much left in any case.
What would they do if they didn’t have children in a position to assist financially.
However, if you can easily absorb the costs then I don’t know if I’d want to fall out over it.

domiciliary care ranges in cost but my council was charging £17 per hour

so we had 30 minutes once a day and then 30 minutes twice a day

which we just paid for

until the district nurses changed this to continuous care and it became free as the NHS paid (as the patient was at home and not hospital)

My friend has a private carer for her mother and is paying £22 per hour and they came twice per day for 30 minutes so is £682 per month

I don't know about your relationship with your parents, but personally - I would pay £50 (or whatever asked that I could afford) and it wouldn't matter much to me if they had or didn't have anything saved. My reasons? They're my parents, they gave me all they could (sacrificed a lot) to help me get where I am now and I'd want to make sure the end of their lives is as comfortable and stress free as it can be, within my means. It seems a bit cold to me to look at it through the numbers, unless that £50 would really make a difference to you... but if it would be spent on a dress or something else that is not a necessity but a pleasure for yourself - the potential emotional value of my contribution to those I love would matter more to me than just money.

Surely if mum is worried and you can afford it the smart way would be she pays care out of savings ( remember if all spend down to a small amount soc services will pay ) and you and siblings put the money into savings that are labelled “ for mum if needed “ down the line.