Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

I think your mum is worried about what she will have to live on once your dad passes from the cancer. Many workplace pensions do not have a survivor benefit for a surviving spouse and even if they do, it is typically 50% of whatever the pension paid out. So if your dad was the higher earner and he passes, your mum could see her annual income drop by a large degree, meaning she would need the £100k to fund her end of life living expenses. She may even have to sell her home and downsize as well.
I would have a longer conversation with her about the overall financial situation before deciding whether or not your help is needed.

If your parents couldn't afford it or were struggling the of course the only right thing to do would be to contribute as much as you could - but that's not what's happening and they absolutely can afford it. There's an old saying about money they 'you can't take it with you' and if you're in your 70s, ill and need care, and have money then there really isn't anything more important to spend it on than paying for the care needed. Guilt tripping you about taking you on childhood holidays etc is ludicrous. Having children costs money and as a parent you're not owed it back. Maybe it's not really about the money at all and it is as others said symbolic. If that's true then actually having the money probably wouldn't make her feel any better because the real issue would still exist.

Thanks for all the comments - I’m just catching up on them now. To clarify a few things:

• I’m pretty sure my parents do have the savings they say they have
• Mum is already claiming attendance allowance
• Care costs have varied as some months they’ve only needed eg daily carer visits, other months they’ve needed more than this

@whaa

It sounds to me that your mum is massively stressed and watching your partner die with cancer is not to be underestimated. If it was me, I’d pay. I think it’s less to do with the actual money and more to do with your mums beliefs about money and maybe fear that she will be left alone/ is terrified and broke. It is probably irrational and she may well benefit from counselling during this awful time. If it’s reassuring for her, then yes, why not? It may be that once you begin to pay she will relax a bit more and soon not bother to ask. Whatever happens it won’t be for long unfortunately, and I am not sure that making a stand will benefit anyone

Definitely agree. If it were me, I'd pay. She's frightened & maybe not expressing it well. She has a daunting task ahead, and is alone. She has to think of her own future with no savings.

We paid £30k to my mums care costs- over 5 years. Under the misapprehension we had to pay third party contribution.
It's sorted now but it's money we will never see again and tbh I'm now resentful as I feel I was conned into it by the care home.
Her home is now being sold - it's a nightmare and I wish I had been less stressed and looked into it properly but she is very difficult and I just wanted her to be looked after.
It was a stupid and very expensive mistake.

This might sound harsh .., but worst case scenario for your mums future - state pension. Many survive off this. She will be ok in the future. Especially given that there is £100,000 savings now, and a £500,000 property to sell later, if needed.

There’s no doubt your mum will be worrying, stressing, not thinking clearly. Giving money to her i don’t think is the answer here. Talking to her, helping in other ways until the shock has settled and she can see more logically is probably the best answer right now.

Half a million-pound property, 100 grand in the bank and they've got the begging bowl out😳
Crikey I wish I was poor like that!

The most useful thing you can do, and which she really needs, is to sit down with her and go through all the finances.

Talk with your siblings beforehand and try to arrange to meet your Mum and go through it all with her....exactly what she's got, what the costs coming up are, thoughts about the long term.

She is probably feeling anxious financially, as well as really upset at your Dad's illness, plus disappointed at the thought of the savings going on care. However, as the other thread running on this topic shows, the clinging to savings and not wanting to spend them on care when needed, is an aspect of today's society which needs to change.

All this 'we worked hard and want to pass it on' is a bit meaningless....loads of people have worked really hard all their lives and will never own property, and the fact is the state isn't paying for the care, so your Mum will need to.

You'll need to explain to your Mum gently that the fact they've saved means they now have choices about the type of care your Dad can have. The fact he's a home actually makes it a lot cheaper than if he was in a home. If you can help her see what she will have when your Dad is gone, that the property isn't goi g to be taken away and that she will still be able to mange fine, it will ease her worries.

And critically, you all need to make clear to her thT you're not worried about inheritance and you want your Dad to get the care he needs now. That also will ease some of the worries for her....because although it's all a bit muddled in her thinking, some of this is about wanting to leave you money.

Do t approach the chat from the point if view of her asking you for money, but about the general finances and costs. Once she has a bigger picture and the worry about inheritance is lifted a bit, she probably won't even ask you to contribute. And if she does, you simply need to gently tell her that it doesn't work like that and the funding comes from the person who needs cares money and then the state.

Hope you can have a useful chat. She's probably under terrible pressure and just doesn't really know how to manage the finances and worry. Your support with looking at everything is really important....especially if none if you are nearby and she feels very much alone. Is it also a time for siblings to chat about the future in all this too...is there any plan so that she isn't so remote from family, especially if your Dad might not be around forever?

And I agree, that it's not really about £50.

£50 isn't going to make hardly any difference. It's about her feeling she needs help.
It's not usual for kids to fund care when parents have savings, but it is usual for them, to provide support in some form and as people have mentioned, perhaps the white British culture isn't as gi I g to its elderly parents as many cultures are.

Look at this as not just being about money, but support. Your Mum is in a very hard place. She needs you now and you and your siblings are going to need to provide her with more support (not financial but support) and you will have to get on the case with that pretty fast as it isn't the case of planning for the future IF the need arises, it already HAS.

If you have been geographically remote and none of your siblings have seen her frequently and you've very much lived independent lives, it's probably the time for some personal sacrifices. It comes as a real shock to lots of people. But you're going to have to think about the emotional and oractical support they need and your Mum is going to need from you and how you're goi g to practically achieve that between you as siblings, and what adaptations to everyone's life that might involve.

This really is a cry for help.

And actually my first response was 'no, she must pay' as was most people's. But it isn't the case that she must bear this massive burden of fear and worry on her own now, or in the future when she might be alone.

And as soon as you can, go and visit. In fact you are allowed to visit in a caring capacity. My parents' GP was very clear that the worst thing I could do was to stay away. I therefore pop in whenever I can. And those visits really are worth their weight. Obviously geographically you can't just pop in. But make a plan. That sort of visit is allowed if you can socially distance

I should have added - a visit may well defuse the request for finances. I suspect it's support and attention your mum needs

@WombatChocolate Thank you so much for your posts - really insightful with lots that resonates, and yes things that I should act on.

She doesn't need the money but she does need support and she's angry that she isn't getting any

Further to my previous post, the plus side (insofar as there is one when your dad is dying of cancer) - is that your mum has plenty of equity in the house to pay for a care home for herself. And presumably around half of your dad's pension on top of her own pensions & savings. So this contribution to your dad's care is really a short term thing.

They will be entitled to attendance allowance, this is not means tested, and can be used to offset the costs of carers coming into the home.

Apologies, just read she already is claiming AA.

Can I point something out to the posters complaining about inheritance tax. The children would not have to pay a single penny on their parents £600,000 estate. They would each receive £200,000 of money they didn't do a thing to earn completely tax free. Only a tiny percentage of estates in the UK reach the inheritance tax threshold.

@Finnyhaddock

We paid £30k to my mums care costs- over 5 years. Under the misapprehension we had to pay third party contribution. It's sorted now but it's money we will never see again and tbh I'm now resentful as I feel I was conned into it by the care home. Her home is now being sold - it's a nightmare and I wish I had been less stressed and looked into it properly but she is very difficult and I just wanted her to be looked after. It was a stupid and very expensive mistake.

We were very nearly caught by the same thing! The way it was put to us was that we had no option. We only found out (accidentally) in the nick of time, that actually we didn't have to pay this at all.

I'm so sorry you lost all that money..It's appalling. It wasn't BUPA care homes that stiffed you, by any chance?

Luckily my siblings and I are all on the same page ...All of us could afford to contribute something, but struggle to see why we should quite frankly! I think the posters who have said my mum’s panicked and scared are probably right. And that the payment is ‘symbolic’ in a way. And yes, once lockdown is over we should hopefully be able to visit them in person which will help, and make them feel less abandoned.

Having lost two parents that I would have done anything in the world for, I've found this thread a very upsetting read. Please don't wait until after lockdown is over to put an end to your parents' feelings of abandonment, OP. Please reread what you've written above and change this situation. The money sounds like a red herring - don't use it to avoid helping.

@caringcarer

Your Mum is being massively unreasonable. You don't give things to your children in expectation they will pay your care cost in old age. If they have savings they can pay it themselves. Don't let your Mum guilt trip you I to paying their bills.

This ^

Many people won't be able to contribute to parents care costs anyway because they might have lost jobs/homes/ health themselves- or there may be other circumstances that aren't immediately obvious to anyone else. If the parents have a home and savings that's probably a lot more than many of their kids these days.

Mum is already claiming attendance allowance

so get your dad to claim attendance allowance - they can both claim in their own right

The way it was put to us was that we had no option
can you say anymore about this saraclara
just wondering on what basis they were claiming that you were liable for the costs?
Do you think they have been fraudulent? It does sound like obtaining money by deception?

@ivykaty44

Mum is already claiming attendance allowance

so get your dad to claim attendance allowance - they can both claim in their own right

The dad can't claim an attendance allowance. It's only available to the person caring for (attending) someone who needs care.

Ah, hang on. My mistake. A disabled person can claim attendance allowance to pay for someone who's attending them. But I'm pretty sure that only one allowance is payable per disabled person. So not both people in a couple where only one is disabled.

@oil0W0lio

The way it was put to us was that we had no option can you say anymore about this saraclara just wondering on what basis they were claiming that you were liable for the costs? Do you think they have been fraudulent? It does sound like obtaining money by deception?

To be honest, I can't remember much about it now. In fact I'd almost forgotten about it, until I read your post.

I have some recollection that it might have been when the council took over when her liquid capital ran out. They paid the home a lower rate than she'd been paying as a self-funder, and they said we as her family needed to pay the shortfall?

I might be wrong and it might have been another occasion. Either way, their letter made it sound as though we were legally bound to pay, and when we questioned it, they claimed my brother had signed something when she first went there, which included liability for paying such a shortfall.

It turned out not to be the case at all. But I can't remember how we found out or who contacted them for us and bollocked them. We didn't really investigate further, once it was clear that we didn't need to pay anything, and they backed off.