Mum wants me and siblings to contribute towards our dad’s care costs (despite them having £100k in savings). Is this normal?!

[PinkPurpleIndigo]

My parents are both mid 70s and my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He has deteriorated quite quickly and my parents are now in a position where home care for him is costing a significant amount - varying between £500 to £1,000 per month.

My parents have around £100k in savings (also both receive workplace pensions & state pensions, and live in a house worth £500k). When my dad got ill and started to need care I presumed they would use their savings to pay for this. Surely that’s what savings are for - a rainy day - and it is now a rainy day?

But it seems not. My Mum is angry and upset the money they’ve saved has to go on care (which I get is a massive political debate with no easy answers) and has asked my siblings and I for a ‘contribution’ of maybe £50 each a month.

Their reasons for why we should contribute are convoluted. They’re saying that they intend to give whatever savings/assets are left after their deaths to me and my siblings, and so if the three of us contribute towards their care costs now they’ll have more savings to give to us. Also, I think they feel that as none of us siblings are close enough to physically help with Dad’s care we should ‘help’ in a different way - hence the request for a financial contribution.

I’ve tried to explain it makes no sense for us siblings to contribute financially just so we can inherit whatever’s left of their savings at a later date (which would then be subject to 40% inheritance tax!). We would much rather they just used their savings now to purchase the care they need. I’m certainly not expecting an inheritance, or think that I have any right to one.

But every time we’ve tried to explain this to them we get guilt-tripped “We took you on holidays, paid uni tuition fees, etc etc”. And in a way I don’t begrudge paying £50 a month - I’m lucky in that while it’s not a pittance to me, it is affordable. But it feels off to me - and is of no real benefit to anyone financially in the long run as they intend to give any savings left to us siblings anyway!

So I’d really appreciate any views on whether this is normal or widespread - do other adult children (we’re mid to late 30s) contribute to elderly parent’s care costs? On one hand I can completely see how much they’ve spent on us over the years and so making a contribution towards dad’s care makes sense. But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right, or make any logical sense, to me.

I don't think it's right at all. But if the siblings all start paying it I would pay it too, just to keep the peace!!

Not normal but this is more about your mother feeling she needs support rather than whether she actually needs it.
It's wrong of her to guilt trip you all.
But she's under pressure. Does she have friends she can rant to and chat to and share her burden with?

My parents are in the exact same position but me and sister live locally so can pop in (and have done throughout pandemic - GP said it was perfectly ok). We have provided a huge amount of moral support which has been far more valuable than any financial support could have been. It's still grim. Mum is 80 and is on her knees and doesn't care for dads emotional needs as she should (he has advanced dementia and a host of other needs). We do all we can but I think I'd have resented a call for cash and probably lay resisted it even tho I can pay, if it had been made on the grounds your DM has

She's probably panicking about money too tho. Can you help her calculate costs (she'll be worrying about herself in the future and whether she might one day need help) and help her gain perspective by planning some scenarios?

In my moral philosophy, I wouldn’t deny my parent a request like this one at all.. because they hadn’t denied me much bigger requests growing up..

It doesn’t matter to me whether I agree with the logic or not. If i could see it’s just a difference of opinion then I’d not deny something I could easily afford a S make them feel cherished.

It’s not particularly unfair. But I know I’m a minority

Honour thy parents and all

Your mum is single-handedly dealing with your terminally ill dad at home. You and your siblings don't visit to help out. She wants some kind of symbolic gesture to show that you care and that you are all in it together and she's not completely alone. £50 a month, which you can easily afford. It's a cry for help. Hell yes, I'd pay it, and more importantly, the fact that she had to ask would give me the kick up the bum to realise I needed to do more to support her both practically and emotionally.

The amount requested is irrelevant. It's the fact her DM, knowing the rules on paying for care, gambled in not downsizing and spending/gifting their assets as they aged and chose to save them instead, knowing that people who can well afford to do so pay for their own care.
Sadly her DH is now ill, so the repercussions of their choice to save kick in and she's angry, passing the buck, symbolic or not to her DC using blackmail and emotional manipulation.
They could have made different choices as they come towards the end of their lives. They knew the rules.
I would think far less of her for her attitude and not pay a penny.

2 lots of state pension is prob about 1200, so only living costs will come our of 100,000.

I would take her through the figures.

Where does it say how old the parents are @cptartapp? They could be mid fifties for all we know.

ah, state pension...mid sixties. Still, hardly elderly.

No not normal, it would be a no thanks from me.
I would however spend my money on making my father's room in the care home comfortable, and bring in lots of his favourites every week.

You are certainly not 'obliged' to do this at all op. Your parents are adults, and your mother needs to stop with the entitlement.

Your mum needs to know that they cannot take the house into consideration if she lives in it so she doesn't need to worry about that. They will also only take half if the savings and pension into account in the financial assessment as the other half is her money. Care will cost less than she thinks. In addition the have to disregard a certain amount of the savings. She needs a full financial assessment of need to be done by a social worker.

What happens when she realises the £50 isn't enough and comes up with a higher contribution figure? £100, £200 each... You will start to become resentful. She needs to downsize her home and pay her way sadly...

F

www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/impacts-of-cancer/benefits-and-financial-support/attendance-allowance

Maybe check if he's entitled to Attendance Allowance?

I would agree that this is very much your mum being worried about her financial position regarding her care. You need to sit down with her and help her work it all out.

Now might be the time to talk to her about lay some money aside for her own care later on and planning out the cost of your dad’s care so that she can see that she will be left with enough to afford a home later on.

It is a shit, shit, shit system that only benefits those who own care homes and no one else. It’s one of the reasons there is often no such thing as generational wealth these days.

And it isn’t being redistributed to the government. It’s being used to pump up the coffers of the big funds that own care homes chains. Completely disgusting.

[quote PinkPurpleIndigo]@saraclara They have paid carers coming in to their house a couple of times a day I think, as my dad has loss of mobility and so needs help washing, going to toilet etc.[/quote]
Are you sure shes only paying £500-£1000 in care fees a month? The person I know with 2 visits a day is paying nearer £2000 - and has a lower level of care needs. Is your Mum on the ball with managing their finances? Could she have already spent a large amount of their savings?

I’d pay it. £50 per month is such a tiny amount and if you can afford it and it helps your mum then it’s worth it. If they’ve only got £100,000 in savings and care is costing £10,000 per year, it could wipe out all of a large chunk of their savings leaving not a lot for your mums care.

As others have said see what benefits can be applied for. Attendance allowance. Ask Social services for a financial assessment. Hopefully his own two pensions will cover the £1000 a month for now with the benefit.

When was the last time you or your siblings were able to visit your parents ?

@Branleuse

If it makes her feel better. It sounds symbolic more than anything. She feels alone

I think this, too. She just wants someone to acknowledge that they love her, and your dad - TBH, if it was just "pin money" to me, I'd probably have offered already without being asked, but I appreciate that as your parents have assets, it probably didn't occur to you they'd need/want it.

Honestly - if I were you, I'd forget what your siblings do or don't do, and as it is a "pittance" to you, I'd transfer them oeny.

It'll be a comfort to your DM just to be considered. She needs to know you care.

You are allowed to visit to provide essential cafe I believe- certainly we are in Scotland- so I think the best thing would be for you or one of your siblings to make the journey to them.

It's an odd request and suggests that your DM is not thinking clearly at the minute- maybe DF dealt with all the finances before- and this is her way of trying to manage the situation. It does suggest that maybe she wants more support as the money involved isn't going to make a difference to their situation. I just think a face to face visit would be more useful to understand what's really going on.

Ahhh your poor mum. Of course what she is saying is bonkers but dealing with social services / care agencies / the nhs is a fucking stressful minefield.

She's asking for your help - the money is a pittance against what it is going to cost. If your dad has cancer and his care needs are related to that he may well qualify for Chc and then the care would be free. Maybe try and help your mum with that. They are a nightmare too if you are elderly and do all they can to say it needs are social not medical so they don't have to pay but it is worth looking into properly.

This kind of stuff is why care should be free at point of use (home care anyway) and we should all be taxed accordingly. Frankly most of the tax could come from inheritance tax but then everyone would pay for it rather than the unlucky ones.

She's stressed out & probably not thinking straight.
Perhaps suggest she speak to a financial adviser?

I don't think you're wrong rationally or logically, but then again I don't think this is really a question of what is rational.

Do they feel cared for and loved by you and your siblings?

Unfortunately I wouldn't be surprised if your parents are thinking along the lines of King Lear: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child"

Oh and those saying the money is nominal - I doubt OP will have a decent state or work pension when she retires and who knows if there will be any inheritance to be had. A spare £50 would be best placed into pension planning.