Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
badacorn · 07/08/2020 17:30

No, and she has gigantic balls to ask you. Just saying no would suffice, it is such an outrageous request.

Also you will never get the money back if you give it to her.

Devlesko · 07/08/2020 17:30

You'll never get the lump sum back even if they do pay you back.
"Don't give someone more than you can afford to lose."
"Never a lender or borrower be"

HalloHalloHallo · 07/08/2020 17:31

I would not lend the money because if she knows how much you have inherited then she will keep asking you for more and more until you give it all to her. You've tried talking to her about her situation and she shuts you down so there is no way you will be able to bring up repayment of the loan as you say there will always be a next crisis. I think I would also be annoyed if I was budgeting and saving and not going on holidays and shopping at charity shops and then my friend asked me for money to possibly spend on her holiday. Hmm How much does your friend respect you OP?

FourDecades · 07/08/2020 17:31

@TeaForTara what are you going to do?

You know that you won't ever get it back. Would you be happy to just give it to her?

If not then don't give or loan as you already know it won't be returned.

She is in her predicament due to her lifestyle choices. Are you happy to pay for her lifestyle choice?

If you're finding it to hard to say no, then a previous suggestion of saying the Will stipulates a Pension is a very plausible reason. Especially as it would transfer straight into it and not via your account in anywayWink

Staplemaple · 07/08/2020 17:33

Not in a million years. Unless you would be happy to potentially never see it again.

Crankley · 07/08/2020 17:34

I speak from experience when I say don't do it.

I had a friend who, over a matter of months, borrowed about £2,000 from me in smallish amounts. She swore on her child's life she would pay it back. What she did instead is move without telling me and I never heard from her again.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 17:35

@tanstaafl

Tbh I almost stopped reading at ‘always been terrible with money’. Saw words like Step Change then stopped.

This has to be a wind up ?. Surely no one with a ‘friend’ like that has to ask the internet for advice.

I promise you it's not a wind up.

I feel guilty because I could help her but I won't. She is saying she may have to declare bankruptcy. I want to help her but I don't think this is the way.

She's not pushing me. She just suggested it once, because she's desperate. She would definitely intend to pay it back, I really believe that. But like I said earlier, the car would break down and then the boiler would pack in and then some other crisis so she'd need to find money for that.

She's not a horrible person and she's not scheming a way to steal my inheritance from me. She's the sort of person who always gets the first round in etc. (That's part of the problem imho.)

OP posts:
Lonoxo · 07/08/2020 17:35

I don’t think you should talk about money with friends. Just watch that she doesn’t expect you to pick up the tab for coffees, lunch etc all the time because she thinks you are better off than her!

Apolloanddaphne · 07/08/2020 17:35

You definitely need to say no. That money will help you so much to have a comfortable retirement. The response you copied earlier is perfect.

MadeleineMaxwell · 07/08/2020 17:37

No chance. You lend it to her, even in the full knowledge you won't get it back, and you'll be watching her every time she gets her wallet out. It'll eat away at you and destroy the friendship. Asking for it back will destroy the friendship. It's all resentment all the time.

By all means say no kindly, but say no.

Meruem · 07/08/2020 17:38

I would have to be absolutely desperate to ask a friend to lend me money. I have sold things off rather than do that in the past. In the extreme circumstance I did need to borrow money it would be for an emergency and my priority would be to pay it back as quickly as possible. I feel most people are the same. Your friend is not unfortunately. Don’t feel bad, you have offered your support as a friend. That’s enough.

fromdownwest · 07/08/2020 17:38

Just tell her you had an unexpected IHT bill and HMRC have it all.

Bipbopbee · 07/08/2020 17:39

Please say no! Like someone earlier said, just say it’s going to be tied up in bonds

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 17:39

@mosquitofeast

When you say "she is asking" what do you mean? she has texted or emailed? or she has asked verbally and you have not replied? or have your replied? how was it left?
We were talking in person. I was non-committal; well basically I was caught a bit on the hop and I just said the estate isn't finalised yet so I don't know when I will have the money. It was left unresolved.

I've seen her once since and she didn't bring it up.

OP posts:
Dennysheart · 07/08/2020 17:40

No from me. If she’d been struggling and working hard and found she’d fallen on hard times I’d consider it but she sounds like she’s a bit entitled and likes the nicer things in life. So no I wouldn’t loan her anything.

Polyxena · 07/08/2020 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 17:41

I can't believe there are hundreds of responses! You are all in agreement that I have to say no so I will tell my guilty conscience to shut up and stop plaguing me.

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 07/08/2020 17:41

Imo get your money tied up quick. Just tell her you took advice from a financial adviser and did what was best for YOUR money
. And change the subject.

Coffeecak3 · 07/08/2020 17:41

OP I have a friend like that and they are the most difficult to deal with. They will happily spend all of their own money, including on you, but then expect you to do the same.
You then look tight if you don't reciprocate.

Just remember it's her choice to spend and yours to be more careful.

You'll never get the money back.

Signalbox · 07/08/2020 17:41

She is saying she may have to declare bankruptcy

Your money will not save her from Bankruptcy it will just add to her debts and you will be the last in the queue for repayment. If you give her money don't expect to see a penny of it back.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2020 17:43

Just make sure you don't give any explanations that can be argued with. A firm 'No, I can't' will do

And bankruptcy may be the best way to go

Needsomezzzz · 07/08/2020 17:44

Bankruptcy doesn't have the same stigma it used to, this maybe what she has to do to break the cycle and start again.
She needs support and advice, not more money to spend freely.
If you want to help, could you ask to see her debts and pay towards one directly so you know where the money has gone, ie not on the piss or on a holiday!
My gut says a true friend would never be so cheeky.
Good luck

krustykittens · 07/08/2020 17:44

Another one saying no! Please don't do it, OP, your money will just disappear into the black hole off her finances, she will still have to declare bankruptcy, even if having your money means she can put it off a little longer, and the money will end up doing neither of you any good. She should never have asked.

DurhamDurham · 07/08/2020 17:44

I wouldn't worry about saying no tactfully, just no and leave it at that. Don't try to justify your decision as that just leaves it open for her to try to change your mind.
I also would not be discussing money with her again, if she brings it up just change the subject.

CallmeAngelina · 07/08/2020 17:47

Frankly, I don't think she's the friend you think she is if she's willing to put you in this awkward position.