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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 07/08/2020 17:18

Say no. Hopefully your friendship will survive that, it should as yanbu.

If you say yes and she wastes it then doesnt repay it friendship will be over anyway.

FinallyRelief · 07/08/2020 17:18

Don't know why people talk to their friends about these things?!
Also if you wanted to give her money then do so but you can't dictate how she spends it!

Just be aware it would be a gift not a loan.

Kipperandarthur · 07/08/2020 17:18

I think you just have to say no sorry and close down all conversations about it. It’s a no win situation as if she is upset with you it creates problems in your friendship, if you were to lend her the money and then you don’t get it back it’s even worse. Your inheritance was for you and not to be just given away to somebody else who is financially irresponsible. You just must be firm. She should not have asked.

Namechange2020onceagain · 07/08/2020 17:19

This can only go 2 ways

  1. You lend her the money, she pisses it up the wall and never pays you back. You are obviously full of resentment and/or she starts avoiding you and the friendship ends.
  1. You don't lend anything, she gets the hump maybe friendship ends, maybe it doesn't.

At least with option 2, you still have the money.

Carouselfish · 07/08/2020 17:19

Never mix money and friendships.

AlternativePerspective · 07/08/2020 17:19

I can’t think on what planet I would ever think it ok to ask any of my friends for money. I wouldn’t even want to ask my parents for money.

As for the other posters suggesting you tell her it’s tied up in investments/earmarked for something else, I don’t think you should. She needs to know that scrounging off your friends just isn’t on, and that the answer is just no. The end. If she cuts you off for that then tbh it’s no great loss.

HeronLanyon · 07/08/2020 17:20

Absolutely no way.

Having been through similar op this occurs to me -
why not just tell her the solicitor (if you are a beneficiary of quite a bit there’s likely to have been a probate solicitor) is in fact distributing in part amounts only for the moment
Or
Your bank has advised you about investing/transferring into no access accounts/ etc.
Or
Give her a small amount (whatever that might be) and just explain that you have plans and can’t give her more.
Or
You’re putting almost all of it into trusts for your kids (if you have) and will only have access to smaller amounts per year.
Etc etc

You probably need to be straight with her soon because she may be swirling off into thinks she will be borrowing from you (and from the sound of it already spending it?)

MadamShazam · 07/08/2020 17:21

Definitely NO

spudlike1 · 07/08/2020 17:21

Do Not Lend this money to her

VictoriaBun · 07/08/2020 17:22

I received an inheritance 7 years ago, fairly sizeable. I still don't see it as 100% ' my ' money . I think when you first receive it you need to sit on it for a while to see how you feel about it.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 17:22

@SummerInSun

How about "that money was left to me by X to provide security for my retirement and I am investing it for that, which is what I know X wanted me to do. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything else. Also, borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us."
I like this one. Thank you.
OP posts:
Tappering · 07/08/2020 17:22

No. The money is tied up and I can't access it like that.

End of conversation.

If she's snotty with you then she's not really a friend, is she?

And why would you feel guilty when she's frittered money away on holidays and presents? I get that she had to buy her Ex out, but quite frankly it sounds like she's made some poor financial choices and that's not your fault, is it?

orangeblosssom · 07/08/2020 17:23

It won't be a loan if you do give her some money; it would be a gift.
Don't think you'll ever see the money again.

MitziK · 07/08/2020 17:23

No.

Or, more appropriately in this 'FUCK OFF'.

jebthesheep · 07/08/2020 17:24

Oh and I second other posters on this - observe how discussing money with friends, has changed this friendship, it might be unexpected due to assumptions based on your own values. ( not being patronizing, I’ll put my hand up to some howlers and will probably do so many more times in my life ) but hard won experience is too precious to drop.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/08/2020 17:25

If you use that excellent quote, OP, I'd leave off the last bit about not wanting spoiled friendships to happen to you two ... all you'll get from that is empty assurances that she thinks far too much of you for it to happen

Except that if she thought that much of you she'd never have asked

SilverOtter · 07/08/2020 17:27

Absolutely say no. You will not see it again if you do.

Rookie93 · 07/08/2020 17:27

A real friend would not have raised this with you at all,they would have supported you in your loss and then celebrated your chance to improve your future.

SunshineCake · 07/08/2020 17:27

If you give her the money will she help you out when you are struggling in retirement ?

You have to say no for both your sakes.

Lindy2 · 07/08/2020 17:28

It's an absolute recipe for disaster.

Keep your inheritance safe by not lending giving it to her. You need to tell her you already have plans for it so it isn't available. Even if you just say it's going into a fixed term savings account.

Don't ever discuss finances with her again.

rattusrattus20 · 07/08/2020 17:28

yeah, i think summerinsun nailed it.

an optional embellishment would be that you'd inherited it on the understanding that you'd 'keep an eye out' for certain extended family members, say a cousin or something, who's in the past been known to fall on hard times, and as such need to keep it tied up.

but the bit at the end - "borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us." should be the killer argument.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/08/2020 17:28

”She has a notion of 'fairness' that casts you as lucky to be inheriting this money, while she is at least equally deserving but less lucky. She is seeking to even up this account.”

@lottiegarbanzo has articulated exactly what I was thinking, and much more clearly than my thoughts.

I think there are some very good messages on here that you can send, @TeaForTara, and I would urge you to use one of them

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/08/2020 17:29

Absolutely not.

SurreyHillsGirl · 07/08/2020 17:30

Summerinsun has the best response. Go with that, OP.

Sleepsoon7 · 07/08/2020 17:30

Just say No.

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