Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

[TeaForTara]

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

Say No. No, no, no.

You will never see it again, which is detrimental to your own retirement down the line, and it will destroy your friendship.

She has a well paid job. She needs to sort out her own finances and install some cost cutting measures and budgets, not take money from you that she won't pay back.

I wouldn’t have mentioned anything about an inheritance but as we seem to be past that post, you could do the MN tinkly laugh thing and say goodness, it’s not that much, tinkly laugh again and then change the subject.

Or you you could just say no, I can’t believe you even asked me!

@StyleandBeautyfail

OP if you give her any money you will be an enabler. You will be enabling her to carry on her charade of entitlement and poor decisions surrounding money. Why do you feel sorry for someone who is the author of her own misfortune? Her asking you crosses boundaries massively. Please dont do this and examine why you feel this way. Personally I would say no its tied up in a Trust for my retirement . Otherwise she will never stop wheedling at you for money

Because her misfortunes aren't all of her own making, her XH has a lot to do with it. But she's not really helping herself. The DC are playing off her and XH against each other so she keeps trying to bribe them and "win". She's had her oldest (young adult) and partner living there rent free (and eating all the food etc.) I said she should at least charge the partner rent or a contribution to bills, but she doesn't want to upset DC.

I don't think she will keep wheedling and I hope the friendship can survive but, supposing

Just say ear marked for pension

@TeaForTara

Oh I know I'll never get it back. It's more that I'd be happy to gift her some money if I thought she'd use it responsibly.

I just feel mean because she's struggling and I'm comfortable, and the marriage breakdown wasn't her fault.

She has quite a well-paid job, BTW.

Is there a way she'd let you pay whatever bill directly? I agree that she will probably not pay it back, but maybe paying something off directly, then you know where the money has gone.

I've gifted friends money before when they said they needed food for the kids, etc. I have given them gift cards to the store they say they need to go to and hope that's what they use it for.

@TeaForTara
Because her misfortunes aren't all of her own making, her XH has a lot to do with it. But she's not really helping herself. The DC are playing off her and XH against each other so she keeps trying to bribe them and "win". She's had her oldest (young adult) and partner living there rent free (and eating all the food etc.) I said she should at least charge the partner rent or a contribution to bills, but she doesn't want to upset DC.

OP, her misfortunes aren’t your fault easier, it isn’t up to you to save her and fix her problems

Honestly I've been in your friend's shoes and I feel quite sorry for her...you go through a shitty divorce, money problems seem insurmountable and you're feeling down so think 'what the hell', don't want your kids to suffer as a result. You plan to get it all straight then have a cataclysmic MOT or the boiler goes...

However, I'd still say don't do it. Its a vicious circle and however we'll intentioned she is there will always be a reason she struggles to pay it back.

I imagine she knows this herself and I'm a bit gobsmacked she'd even ask.

Tell her there's a covenant attached to the inheritance and it has to be invested in a certain way/for a certain purpose.

Bankruptcy might be the best course of action, she’s not good with money but that can be fixed. You have to want to change.

I can’t believe the cheek of your friend! I’d be mortified at the thought of asking such a thing. I’d say no - and wouldn’t even elaborate further.

You mentioned that your friend had a CVA but you’re not sure if it’s ongoing. Do you mean an IVA (Individual Voluntary Arrangement) - a CVA is an arrangement for insolvent companies? If she’s got an IVA or is bankrupt she will be listed here: www.insolvencydirect.bis.gov.uk/eiir/

A flat no would be best. No explanations, excuses or waffle. If she pushes it, I would (honestly) tell her she's being really rude to ask.

I think the friendship might be dented, but that's because she was rude enough to ask not because you refused.

Intending to pay it back and actually paying back are not the same. She is an adult with "a well paid job" so she should act like it.

Do not give her any of it and tie it up in 10 year bonds / children's ISAs do the money is there when YOU need it as given to you by your relatives.

Absolutely not

@TeaForTara

I can't believe there are hundreds of responses! You are all in agreement that I have to say no so I will tell my guilty conscience to shut up and stop plaguing me.

I'm not sure what there is to feel guilty about.

Your money won't actually help her in the long term - it's just delaying the inevitable.

The thing that needs to change is her attitude to money and unnecessary consumerism.

As pp's have said maybe bankruptcy (or it being a very real possibility) is actually what she needs to provide a catalyst for change.

You've already said that since lockdown easing she's going out a lot socialising like she used to.

If you can afford it you don't go out - whilst simultaneously asking a friend for money claiming you're about to be made bankrupt.

She needs to be saving to pay back her creditors, selling anything she doesn't need, buying a cheaper car to release cash and ditto with her house she cant afford post divorce etc

In short she need to start taking tangible steps to help herself before asking anyone else to do so.

She might be a friend but I'm your shoes OP I'd be pretty unimpressed with her.

@Holyrivolli

Obvious answer is no but you seem to be struggling with that for some reason.

How much did you inherit and how much does she want to “borrow”?

The only reason I'm struggling is my guilty conscience because I don't like to see a friend really struggling when I'm comfortable. My parents helped me out financially when I was young (although it came with strings and was a mixed blessing) but she doesn't have the bank of mum & dad.

I suppose what I was wanting from posting her is "permission" to say no, and I've certainly got that.

No don’t. I have a sister who is similar. Buts very expensive present for her kids, always kitted our in designer wear etc and always composing she has no money! Do not give her any money. Just be straight and say you want to put into a saving account or something

Omg! Typos so sorry hope you get the jist of what I’m saying - NO DONT GIVE IT

Recently a daughter (25) of a friend rang me one evening and asked me to be a guarantor for her rent (£1000 a month). My friend contacts me maybe 6 times a year and that is me contacting her rather than the other way around. The daughter I know but haven't seen or heard from her for about 2 years. The pressure was unbelievable!
As in Annie is trying to ring you and she's leaving messages she wants you to be her gurantor -I can't as I only work part time -can you ring her. Annie had left 3 calls on my mobile by this point between 8 - 8.15pm. I rang her and said "I'll get back to you". But then I texted her back to say "Can't help. Against terms of my mortgage -sorry". Wish I had the balls to say "Are you F*ing kidding me -I don't even really know you".

In your case I would say "I find it really distressing to talk about. But having spoken to X at length before they died -I can not loan it to someone who is not family as X wanted me to invest it to earn an income for my retirement. If I gave the money to you, I would be going against their wishes. I am not prepared to do that"

She's a CF, so just say no.

However, why on earth have you been discussing your financial good fortune with someone who's in financial difficulty? It's a bit cruel, when you didn't have to ever mention it. As a rule of thumb, if you're not offering to help them out, don't metaphorically wave your cash in front of someone who's skint.

She can sell her house and restructure her assets! If push comes to shove. There are many people unable to own their own house.

OP- Not only do you have permission to say no, you've got 10 pages worth of mumsnetters ready to give you a shake if you say yes.

Tell her you can't because you've got it earmarked for a new house/going in to your pension/ you're buying an Island. It doesn't really how you justify it, the important thing is saying no and sticking to it.

Please don't lend her this money. I received a small inheritance when my Granddad died 20 years ago and a friend of mine asked me if he could borrow it. Stupidly I leant it to him and then he went distant. He paid it back in tiny dribs and drabs and tbh only ever paid back about half.
I had horrendous anxiety over it and guilt that my Granddad left that money to me and I effectively gave it away
I still feel full of regret that I leant it to that person and I always will.

Because her misfortunes aren't all of her own making, her XH has a lot to do with it. But she's not really helping herself. The DC are playing off her and XH against each other so she keeps trying to bribe them and "win". She's had her oldest (young adult) and partner living there rent free (and eating all the food etc.) I said she should at least charge the partner rent or a contribution to bills, but she doesn't want to upset DC.

But her circumstances are of her own making....she's the one engaging in this "bidding war" with her ex, not charging for board or food etc.

She's also by refusing to charge board passing on her own poor money management to her child.

Honestly the more info you post the better the reasons get for not helping.

I've gone from a polite "no" to an exasperated "hell no, are you fucking crazy?"....

I would keep saying what you've said "that the estate isn't resolved, God it takes so long"

That'll be good for the next year or so

Absolutely say no. I would say that I was investing it and its what (the person whom you inherited from) asked you to do with it.

Just say no. It would be an awful idea. Maybe you could say it was tied up in bonds or something?!