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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 07/08/2020 17:11

Thrice no! You know her financial track record. You'd lose your friend and the money (it's sadly happened twice to me - never again! - with CF "friend" and a sibling). Loans which have never been repaid despite legal paperwork.
If she's coming to you with her hands out it means she can't get a loan elsewhere. Just tell her youve been advised to invest the full amount and can't "loan" any to her. If she gets pissed off and drops you she's no friend.

mellicauli · 07/08/2020 17:11

I seriously question any “friend” who would ask this.

Your relative wanted YOU to have the money. By giving it away, you would not be honouring their wishes. I would give this as your reply - (Would they want their years of hard graft to pay for your friend’s holidays? )

You are a lovely person to even consider this.

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 07/08/2020 17:11

No! No money. No discussion.
Sadly people like this will never have money because they think it’s their given right to go out, have a good time, and let someone else pick up the tab.
Your relative worked long and hard probably, as do you, if she was the same she could probably be in that position. Don’t let her steal if from you. Because I’m certain you’d never see it again.

LordOftheRingz · 07/08/2020 17:12

The requests will not stop coming, ever until it is gone. I have seen it with family, they just take and take and take, there is always an emergency.

jebthesheep · 07/08/2020 17:12

Of course No, and I think you already know that.
It’s difficult to refuse a request from someone you are friendly with ( not sure I’m convinced that a friend is quite right under the circumstances)
If you are finding this emotionally hard -
Overpay your mortgage or buy a life assurance policy and then explain that it’s already needed for a debt/financial commitment and it will be true so you will feel easier about it all.

InTheWings · 07/08/2020 17:12

OP - decent friends would never ask what she has asked.

Lottiegarbanzo has hit on something - I think she is right. How else would she dare to presume that she could start parcelling out your inheritance before you even have it.

She feels entitled to your money.

She isn't.

biglouis · 07/08/2020 17:13

Tell her that the money is tied up in a trust fund for your retirement and you would have to apply to the trustees to release cash.

Of course the trustees are going to say "no".

GJ14 · 07/08/2020 17:14

No I wouldn’t. It’s incredibly cheeky of her. How would she even pay it back if she has money issues? Sounds like she’s a little jealous and most likely desperate to ask but it would still be a no from me.

ImNotBusyImLazy · 07/08/2020 17:14

I get angry just reading this. The nerve of her asking this is just mind boggling. Say no and do not feel the least bit guilty. Her poor financial management is not your problem. You say you don't need the money now, but that could change overnight. You never know what emergency is around the corner.

Don't even lie to explain why you won't lend/gift her the money. Just say no.

BrieAndChilli · 07/08/2020 17:14

Only on mumsnet do people go around asking for loans!
It would never occur to me to ever ask a friend to loan money. Occasionally I might borrow a fiver if I’ve forgotten my wallet (which would probably be once or twice that I can remember) but then I pay it back promptly or a friend might pay for something they have booked for us but then I always transfer them the money straight away when they book/pay for it. And it’s the same when I pay for things.

She doesn’t sound like the sort of person who will pay it back and will probably convince herself that she is entitled to YOUR money as you don’t need it.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/08/2020 17:14

If it was a vague "can you help us out with a loan" then hope she never asks again.

If she does, you could say "our relative told us what it's to be used for" [and that doenst include loans to feckless people :P ]

ButteryPuffin · 07/08/2020 17:15

was a much more vague "Could you help me out with a loan when you get your inheritance?"

Absolutely not. It's not even for anything specific. If she was in imminent danger of losing her house or something and she agreed to a plan to change things in future, is the only kind of circumstance where I'd even consider it. But no way for 'I'm shit with money, so when you get a windfall can I have some of yours?' which is effectively what she's saying.

2bazookas · 07/08/2020 17:15

Just say "No, I have other plans for it. Maybe you should do some financial planning of your own".

There's no need to answer any questions about what you plan to do with it; so if she asks just say "That's private, so lets change the subject".

Genevieva · 07/08/2020 17:15
  1. Loans between friend often go wrong when unforeseen events occur. Consequently you have decided you do not want to get enmeshed in being a lender.
  1. Even if you did want to (and you don't) you would need to involve a solicitor to make sure the loan had legally binding terms so that there is no dispute later. Solicitors are expensive and she may find it more financially advantageous to get a loan from a bank.
  1. Lending money now is a lost opportunity for your in multiple ways. Now is the best time to invest in your pension (while stocks are low) and for every year that you delay investing in your pension you will be worse off in retirement. This money is meant to be your safety net in old age or if you ever become disabled. You are lucky to have the opportunity for such a safety net and you want to use it wisely as this will please the person who left you the money.
  1. You care about your friend and you hope your friend cares enough about you to respect your decision regarding your money.
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2020 17:15

I'd just say "Sorry I can't, it's all been tied up and I can't access it" and leave it at that.

If she persists after that, then she's not really a friend.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/08/2020 17:15

She hasn't said how much she wants, it was a much more vague "Could you help me out with a loan when you get your inheritance?"

I would give an equally vague "It's turned out to be tied up in investments" or something similar. If she pushed it I'd add what a previous poster said about a) your relative intending it to be invested for your retirement and b) not wanting to risk your friendship.

If she pushed it even after that then, sadly, she isn't a friend.

DulciUke · 07/08/2020 17:15

In your position, I would not. Bit of a hypocrite here, as I did loan a small portion of an inheritance to a friend that has never been paid back. Occasionally, I get slightly irritated by this, but she is a good friend, does me lots of favors, and is still in a somewhat precarious financial situation, not of her own making. She's yet another American whose life savings and retirement were wiped out due to our lack of a decent national healthcare system. If she was broke due to her own profligacy, I never would have given her the money, good friend or not.

InTheWings · 07/08/2020 17:16

Overpay your mortgage or buy a life assurance policy and then explain that it’s already needed for a debt/financial commitment and it will be true so you will feel easier about it all

The OP has no obligation to come up with a reason or justification or tie up her money simply to keep it from this women!

I wouldn't let this woman influence any choices in any way whatsoever! Op, if YOU want to go on a holiday and get a new car, as this woman has done with her money, it is 100% up to you!

But pension / retirement plan whatever it might be sounds good.

And don't discuss it with this woman - especially if you decide to buy property with it, because you know what will happen then!!

petrocellihouse · 07/08/2020 17:16

Sadly your inheritance comes with a clause that it must be invested in a pension plan. Maybe you forgot about this bitWink

SeaEagleFeather · 07/08/2020 17:16

Also, you might want to work on your boundaries because this really is a no-brainer and the fact that you're feeling uncomfortable and even entertaining the idea of giving her the money - well, you just shouldn't.

WanderleyWagon · 07/08/2020 17:16

I don't think I'm adding anything anyone hasn't said before, but as someone who really struggles to say 'no' to anyone, I would urge you to say no to her. It is not OK for her to ask you this. In no universe can a friend ask for some of somebody else's inheritance (and if they are, I'd look again at the friendship).
Good luck with standing your ground!

pussycatinboots · 07/08/2020 17:16

has always been terrible with money

I didn't get any further than this, OP.

You won't be lending her money, you will be giving her money.

Say NO.

Humberbear · 07/08/2020 17:17

She will take the money, spend it then come back for more, treating it as her own bank account.
You have said yourself she is still wasting money and obviously thinks you should bale her out.
Your relative has left it to you for a reason and wants to make a differance in your life

OverTheRainbow88 · 07/08/2020 17:17

I Personally wouldn’t lend money to a friend, it’s not worth the risk of loss of money and friendship.

Saying that I do have one friend, who I’ve known my whole like and is an angel so I think I couldn’t say no to her!!

Fishfingersandwichplease · 07/08/2020 17:17

Don't think anyone will advise you to lend her it - say no and give her wide berth. I wouldn't dream of asking a friend for such a favour however skint l was!!