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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Serin · 07/08/2020 19:29

I'm glad you are not going to lend it to her but TBH I dont think I could even stay friends with her knowing that she would lie to you about paying it back.
She is not a true friend.
Shes a CF.

SusieOwl4 · 07/08/2020 19:30

Absolutely No to lending her money . Don’t do it .

If you want to help her because she is in a bad place then perhaps pay for a holiday for the two of you .

If she is a true friend she will understand .

Plus perhaps help by getting her to talk to citizens advice or a debt agency ?

But again do not lend her anything . You won’t see it back .

CokeEnStock · 07/08/2020 19:30

As per my PP, it made me so much more cynical and when I had a friend leaving a bad relationship in similar way to OP, I refused to lend money, but try to help in more practical ways, and any money I did spend was based on what I was willing to give away. A bit of shopping, Ikea bedding for the kids etc. Never ever again. Dh tells me his nephew who we haven't seen for donkeys years, messaged asking if he could send him money to buy a car. Um no.

Roselilly36 · 07/08/2020 19:32

No way, she’s no friend for asking OP. Just say no, it’s your money & future security. I suspect you won’t ever see it again if you lend it.

twolittlebears · 07/08/2020 19:34

Say no, sorry.

rayoflightboy · 07/08/2020 19:34

I really hope @TeaForTara she doesnt wear you down and you give in.

Andonly a cf would think its ok to ask somebody for aloan from an inheritence.Especially as it was your aunt and you were close.

Just be on your guard.

AnotherEmma · 07/08/2020 19:34

I have a close relative who is desperately lonely and has mental health issues tbh (but is in denial about it most of the time). She is an utter nightmare with money. It's really difficult to witness. If only she had invested a tiny proportion of the amount she has wasted on various things on long-term therapy, she'd be in a much better place. She occasionally gets bail-outs from another family member but it doesn't help with the root of the problem, it just perpetuates the cycle - it's enabling.

I understand that you have a lot of compassion for her situation but please don't be fooled into her way of thinking, which is that a more comfortable financial situation will somehow fix her emotional suffering.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/08/2020 19:42

I don't know how you managed to keep a straight face when she asked.

Say no with a clear conscious, you can't fix her inability to manage money.

genteelwoman · 07/08/2020 19:46

Just say no. It is not going to be pretty and you will seem like you might lose her as a friend if

  1. You lend her the money and she doesnt pay it back (likely)
  2. Say no

If you are going to lose her either way, I'd rather have my money at least

cinders222 · 07/08/2020 19:47

I think the main point is how would your relative feel if your friend went out and squandered their hard earned money.

Chloemol · 07/08/2020 19:56

You MUST say NO

Just politely say sorry it’s being invested for me and I can’t touch it and leave it at that

Sometimes123 · 07/08/2020 19:57

It would be a mistake to loan her any money a)because it's highly unlikely you'll get it back and b) you'll loose your friendship over it. Tell her you've put the money in a lifetime ISA. You can only use it for a first house purchase...if you have a house....you can only access it when you retire without financial penalties. I feel for you Op it's a horrible situation to be in. You either tell her the truth, or you tell a fib. Do what ever works for you, but please don't loan her money. I've seen alot of episodes of Judge Judy recently Grin

alreadytaken · 07/08/2020 19:57

No.

Lend her money and you'll never see it again and she will resent you if you ask for it back. She wants you to share it with her.

Just say no. If pressed say you know she would struggle to pay you back and it would damage your friendship.

PainintheholeSIL · 07/08/2020 20:02

@TitianaTitsling it's how she asked for it not because she asked. She humiliated the op in front of other friends who weren't supposed to know.

PainintheholeSIL · 07/08/2020 20:03

Oh an @TeaForTara do not lend her a penny!!

StarTrekRedShirt · 07/08/2020 20:04

Do not loan her anything you can’t afford to lose. I feel she is just going to rob you.,

Noextremes2017 · 07/08/2020 20:04

Just say NO.

Shouldn’t be asking you FFS!

saltycat · 07/08/2020 20:04

I mentioned earlier in the thread about a friend who asked me for a loan to help her out.

When I asked for the details of the bills and that I would pay them there was radio silence.

I knew it was for her holidays or some other lark. Happy to help someone in a crisis, but will never give cash. EVER.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/08/2020 20:05

[quote PainintheholeSIL]@TitianaTitsling it's how she asked for it not because she asked. She humiliated the op in front of other friends who weren't supposed to know.[/quote]
@PainintheholeSIL - wrong thread Grin

PainintheholeSIL · 07/08/2020 20:07

@Feedingthebirds1 🤣🤣🤣

iusedtohavechickens · 07/08/2020 20:09

Please don't do it. A friend of mine lent a close friend some money to help her through a tight spot and she's still chasing for the money now and the friend had gone nc. She got a pay out from her home when she sold it and the money was enough to pay her rent for a year but was promised it back monthly and now she's in trouble because it's not getting payed back. It's your money keep it for yourself. Just tell her you value her friendship too much to fall out over money and leave the ball in her court as to whether she values it more too x

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/08/2020 20:13

I don't like you all thinking she's a money-grabbing, scheming CF. She's really not.

You may not like to think of her like that, and maybe she hasn't been in the past, but knowing that you now have a lot of money could change that, and it wouldn't be the first time that's happened to somebody.

Like I said, she'll be the first to put her hand in her pocket and buy a round.

But with money she doesn't have. How would you feel about her buying you a drink - with your money? I note that she tries to 'buy' her son's affections to make sure he doesn't leave her, is she doing the same thing with her friends - trying to buy them?

OP you sound lovely, and you obviously really care for your friend. But you wouldn't be helping her by giving her the money. You'd be giving her a bit more time to splash the cash, and then what?

Fruitsaladjelly · 07/08/2020 20:19

You sound very lovely op but I’d just drag it out by saying it’s taking ages to release the money by which time she’ll have forgotten about it, if she ever brings it up in the future just say it wasn’t as much money as you’d though after all the bills were taken care of. Keep it vague.

saltycat · 07/08/2020 20:22

Still wondering how Friend knew about the inheritance.

That's the mystery for me. I never told anyone, and only the family who got an equal share knew.

Whoopsmahoot · 07/08/2020 20:24

No chance