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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 07/08/2020 19:07

I don't know how much you have but if you feel you would like to give her something then maybe gift her an amount she doesn't need to pay back? That way you know you have helped her out but on your terms and you don't have to worry about non repayment affecting your friendship.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2020 19:08

If your friend's finances are in such a state that she needs to consider bankruptcy then don't do anything that would complicate that for her, she would have to declare any money that you would give/loan her? Perhaps think of it that way?

Bankruptcy is a last resort and isn't straightforward as people think. Maybe that exercise would give her some tools to change the way she manages money - she needs to grasp those for her children's future. She's also teaching them some shocking lessons in money management and kids do absorb things we don't particularly want them to know about.

I agree with PP though, why talk about your finances? It's nobody's business but yours and it's like an invitation to somebody desperate. That's actually not very nice either.

CallmeAngelina · 07/08/2020 19:08

So, basically what she's saying is, "Can I have your inheritance please?"
How would your relative feel about that? Surely if they'd wanted to leave their worldly goods to your friend they would have made sure they were named in the will.

Dreeple · 07/08/2020 19:09

If she goes bankrupt, your kindly gifted money will effectively go to tax, the bank and the lawyer.

AreweatChristmasyet · 07/08/2020 19:09

Hahaha.
No.
Oh, you’re serious?
No.

jessycake · 07/08/2020 19:09

The Answer is No No No and No again, point her towards a credit union

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/08/2020 19:12

No, no, a thousand times no!

CatandtheFiddle · 07/08/2020 19:13

I'll join the chorus of "No!"

I just feel mean because she's struggling

Could you give her the gift of a series of sessions with a personal coach, who specialises in helping people with their attitudes to money?

Although as soon as I write that down I see how insulting it could feel. But really, she's a grown adult.

Just NO.

FizzAfterSix · 07/08/2020 19:15

Please don’t.

Jellykat · 07/08/2020 19:17

No, she's cheeky to ask, if you wanted to do it you'd offer!
Tell her you'd love to help but value her friendship and wouldn't want to jeopardise it with money complications..

SarahBellam · 07/08/2020 19:17

“LOL - God no. That’s mad. You’re terrible with money. You and I both know I’d never see it again”

scoobydoo1971 · 07/08/2020 19:17

You have been given excellent advice here. Your 'friend' is no friend really to make you feel under pressure. You are doing her no favours lending her money. It will not teach her money management skills. If she was a drug addict, would you score her some heroin? Having money will present her with new opportunities to spend it, increase her credit score and availability of more debt. You say you are in a good position now, and that is fine. We are heading for a COVID recession and no-one knows how this will impact the value of the pound. Throw in Brexit and I think you need to save that money, or invest it in something wise like property. Your dead relative would not appreciate it being wittered away by your gold digging pal.

Crumpets111 · 07/08/2020 19:18

Never lend friends money, you will never see it again.

Eddielzzard · 07/08/2020 19:19

All you'd be doing is putting off the inevitable, when she finally has to confront her spending. By that stage you'll be so pissed off with her squandering your money and not paying it back that it'll be the end of the friendship.

I personally wouldn't bring it up again. And if she does, say it's all tied up in investments now and you can't touch it.

That is the only way your friendship will survive. It still might not. But really, she should never have asked.

sruitfalad · 07/08/2020 19:19

No bloody way. "Sorry, I can't do that X. I don't mix friends and money- it never ends well". If she makes a fuss, tried to make you feel guilty, etc. she's not a good friend. If she breaks out with you; good riddance.

puzzledpiece · 07/08/2020 19:19

my DH wanted to take several thousand pounds from our savings (towards a mortgage deposit) to loan his DB who had tried to kill himself because of his wife's narcissistic behaviour, infidelity and general shitiness. he still loved her and wanted to have her back. She'd racked up massive debts while he was in a psychiatric hospital. I said no. She would have wheedled it out of him and spent it and we wouldn't have got the money back or waited so long we would never own our own house.

Many years later. He is happily married to someone else, solvent, and we have our house.

Not worth the hassle OP

WanderingMilly · 07/08/2020 19:21

You need to say a big NO. You will not get the money back and you'll have lost the one chance you have of having something behind you.

Don't get lost in explanations as to why not, just say "I'm really sorry, but unfortunately I can't give you a loan" and repeat, repeat each time she asks.

InTheWings · 07/08/2020 19:23

Your first paragraph is why I'd like to help her in a nutshell

But, it won’t help her.
There are people for whom this would be a really practical help.
But from everything you have said all it will do is enable her to mismanage and waste yet more money. This time yours!

If she was serious about sorting out her financial troubles she would have welcomed your assistance. You say you understand why she wouldn’t want you knowing her financial affairs.... but she is quite happy to get her hands on yours!

LOL, even the poster who had been in your friends position is saying don’t do it!

CokeEnStock · 07/08/2020 19:23

No no no. I have been in a similar situation and never saw a penny back. And no contact apart from the person mailed DH to ask if he could borrow some more. In my particular situation, the person had been a very good friend, helpful favours in the past so we agreed to GIVE some cash to help out in a tight spot. That's fine, but I really regret the loan that was going to be paid back by Xmas. Friendship gone now. Depending on how much you can afford, and if she is really a good friend maybe gift her a smaller amount and say that's what you can manage.

FeelLiedTo · 07/08/2020 19:26

Haven't read the full thread
Haven't read the full op
Just read the title
No, don't lend any money if you have any sense and stop telling people about your finances

Abitofalark · 07/08/2020 19:27

I'd feel awful too if I could afford to help a friend with whom I'd discussed her marital misfortune and consequent financial desperation and my impending good fortune, moneywise though not humanwise in losing a relative, but it is tricky territory as you will both be entering into mental states of expectation and almost certain resentment, if you lend it and if you don't.
I'm guessing you've led yourself into this by being the good understanding friend and the trusting one by confiding your expected inheritance, therefore setting up some sort of feeling of moral obligation and sense of guilt or bad faith if you don't 'help' out your friend who's in a jam.
Your friend though, makes her own choices and asserts autonomy over her finances by choosing not to charge her adult child and partner rent, or even for food, for example, which she could do to help herself out when she's in a financial hole. I'd say there's an obligation on her too to make best efforts to help herself if expecting you to help her out. It can't just be easy come, easy go and stick the hand out.

Best let it lie, I think and do not commit to any further involvement in her personal financial state.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 19:27

OK I have all the answers I need; thank you all very much. I'm going to go with something like SummerInSun's suggestion.

I don't like you all thinking she's a money-grabbing, scheming CF. She's really not. Like I said, she'll be the first to put her hand in her pocket and buy a round. Most of the reason that she goes out so much is that she is achingly lonely since the divorce and hates being home alone if the kids aren't there.

OP posts:
InescapableDeath · 07/08/2020 19:28

You are a good friend and you will still be a good friend when you say no

forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 19:29

Is there something small and finite that you could give her the money for. Eg her boiler broke and it was £100.
But in discussion say you've had the inheritance, spoken to your financial advisor and tied it all up long term. And that the £100 is a gift as lending money between friends is the best way to ruin it.

I only offer this idea as you genuinely seem to feel guilty, but don't do more than that amount.

Cheetahfajita · 07/08/2020 19:29

You sound like a lovely person but also a soft touch.

She's not asking for a loan she's asking you to give it to her.

I really really hope you don't as it'll never be enough and will ruin your friendship.