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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 07/08/2020 18:46

Sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry your cheeky fucker friend is trying to take advantage of it.
The answer to this question is so obviously a resounding no that it makes me worry for your boundaries that you were ever considering saying yes!
If you want to help her, the very best thing you can do is encourage her to contact a debt advice organisation such as Citizens Advice, National Debtline, PayPlan or Stepchange.

mouse70 · 07/08/2020 18:46

NO Do not make up reasons, no excuses just NO

ChiaraRimini · 07/08/2020 18:48

Don't do it AND treat this as a lesson to be more careful what you discuss with people in the future in case someone tries to take you for a mug again!!

Beautiful3 · 07/08/2020 18:50

I have been asked something similar in the past. I said, "I'm sorry I can't do that". She stopped speaking to me afterwards, which proved to me that she wasnt a good friend at all. You have to be strong because you would be incredibly stupid to lend it. As you know full well shes bad with money therefore youd never see it again. Also think if the rative who gifted it to you in their will. They would turn in their grave. Just say no I cant. If she keeps asking, just repeat it. Also remember that you would never say that to her.

huuunderickssss · 07/08/2020 18:51

No way!! Not your problem she doesn't have any money!!!

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2020 18:52

If she's bought multiple cars then she has made those decisions herself and is letting money through her hands like water.
Quit the guilt, invest for YOUR future not their lifestyle of wasting money.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/08/2020 18:52

Tell her no - it's held in trust.

Or something.

You may lose her friendship if you don't, BUT

You will never get any money back that you lend her, and that means you will lose her friendship anyway.

And she won't stop cadging until she has had as much out of you as she can. And you will (quite rightly) become resentful.

BlueJava · 07/08/2020 18:54

Do not do this OP! Really do not do it! Don't be tactful - you don't even have to give a reason. In fact stop talking about your inheritance with her. If she drops you from her friendship group then so be it.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 18:55

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

She's a CF, so just say no.

However, why on earth have you been discussing your financial good fortune with someone who's in financial difficulty? It's a bit cruel, when you didn't have to ever mention it. As a rule of thumb, if you're not offering to help them out, don't metaphorically wave your cash in front of someone who's skint.

This is unfair. It's not like that. She knows my family. She knew my relative who has died. She knows I had a holiday to Argentina last year etc. so she can figure out that I'm comfortably off without my having to say anything at all.
OP posts:
justoverthehorizon · 07/08/2020 18:58

I used to work in lending for a bank. The most important factor in deciding is a person's character. ..ie if a person is good with money they will probably pay back. ,even if they fall on hard times. This is not your friend. don't lend it to her. ..and she shouldn't have asked.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/08/2020 18:58

I know you've said you're not going to lend her the money, which is definitely the right thing to do. Because I'd bet that if you did it wouldn't be the last time she asked and it would be harder to get out of. She's say 'but you helped me last time..'

DianaT1969 · 07/08/2020 18:58

Say no. It doesn't matter about saving the friendship. If she's a real friend she wouldn't put you in this position.

tara66 · 07/08/2020 18:59

Say NO

Say NO. Haven't read all the pages but you might say the estate is very complicated and you wouldn't get the money for some time and that the Will stipulates certain conditions for use of the money which the solicitors/other relatives/ the executor will monitor and you are not free to give/lend it to any other 3rd party. Elaborate how the inheritance could go to another relative in Australia etc if the money is not used according to the Will instructions etc etc.

1

Carrotgirl87 · 07/08/2020 19:00

My instinct reading your post is obviously what a cheeky mate and obviously don't!

However, if "lending" my best friend £500 out of say, £100,000, then I just would, just to give her some breathing room. I think I'm soft though. If it was more substantial I'd be harder faced.

Fanthorpe · 07/08/2020 19:01

There are a couple of possibilities. You give her the money. That’s it. She’ll resent the fact that she feels beholden to you because if the gift. You’re no longer friends.

Or you loan her the money. She pays you back in dribs and drabs, there’s an excuse why not this month. She goes out for a nice meal, but doesn’t ask you along because she knows she should give you the money. You’re no longer friends.

You say that you think it’s not going to work for you because it will come between you. She resents this, you are no longer friends.

Sadly I think the very fact that she’s asked you I’d the beginning of the end.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Chig · 07/08/2020 19:01

You say yourself she is terrible with money.

There’s your answer right there.

No with a capital N.

RunningOnMusic · 07/08/2020 19:01

Just. No.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/08/2020 19:01

Just say you had a bad experience lending money once so you've always said you'd never do it again

Fanthorpe · 07/08/2020 19:02

Is not I’d.

BitOfFun · 07/08/2020 19:02

@SummerInSun

How about "that money was left to me by X to provide security for my retirement and I am investing it for that, which is what I know X wanted me to do. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything else. Also, borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us."
Perfect.

@TeaForTara, please tell us you are going to say something along these lines!

Sakura7 · 07/08/2020 19:03

Giving an excuse suggests that your friend (and I use the term loosely) is entitled to an explanation. She's not.

If she asks you say "no, I'm not in a position to do that." If she pushes, say "I'm very surprised you're asking, you know that's really inappropriate."

She sounds like a user.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 19:04

@MintyCedric

Honestly I've been in your friend's shoes and I feel quite sorry for her...you go through a shitty divorce, money problems seem insurmountable and you're feeling down so think 'what the hell', don't want your kids to suffer as a result. You plan to get it all straight then have a cataclysmic MOT or the boiler goes...

However, I'd still say don't do it. Its a vicious circle and however we'll intentioned she is there will always be a reason she struggles to pay it back.

I imagine she knows this herself and I'm a bit gobsmacked she'd even ask.

Tell her there's a covenant attached to the inheritance and it has to be invested in a certain way/for a certain purpose.

Your first paragraph is why I'd like to help her in a nutshell.
OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/08/2020 19:05

If a friend asked to borrow my inheritance I would be rethinking the friendship.

purplecorkheart · 07/08/2020 19:06

I am sorry for your loss. Please do not give her this money. Your relative worked hard for this money, they did not work hard for someone to throw it away on nights out and excessive spending. You would not tear the money that your relative worked for, giving it to your friend is doing that.

skodadoda · 07/08/2020 19:07

I would not give a loan, but if you feel inclined ask her to supply you with some bills that are critical and you will pay them for her. Say a max of 2k or whatever you are comfortable with. You will see then what the response is.

*Veteran here of this pleading for money, never succumbed but offered to pay bills. Not a whisper anymore. Lesson learned the hard way.

Seems these people with skin like a rhinocerous just want cash to fritter away again. Don't do it OP, but offer a gesture if that's what you want to do.*

Do this OP, you say you don’t mind helping her. Perhaps show her what financially responsibility is about, (don’t hold your breath 😕).