Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

[musicmama18]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

OP you also need to look at your pension. What would happen if your DH died before you?

It will be very difficult to find work in the hours you are talking about, particularly with a weak CV and presumably no references.

I went back to work in September after being a SAMH for about 5 years, and before that I worked part time between having DC1 and 2. I started two different volunteering roles and started studying again about a year before I wanted to start work. That meant I had referees I could use and made it easy to answer the time management question at interview! It was also good for my confidence and got me out of the house and got more conversation with adults. I'm now in an admin job - not great pay but part time and term time only (gold dust around here!) and a very family friendly employer.

So I would look at practical volunteering in a creative role if possible (even something like going to a care home and delivering music and art sessions would be good and they are always desperate for volunteers) and then look for some sort of studying you can do in the evenings as well.

So from 20-35 yo (no children yet) he supported you financially? Is there a particular reason you didn't pursue a career/education in that time e.g health etc.
Your child is only 2 and it doesn't sound like prior to him you were particularly occupied with anything so I don't think being a sahm comes into it really. He sounds reasonable, not "resentful" (a bit of an over sensitive interpretation on your part).

@yellowsunset

So from 20-35 yo (no children yet) he supported you financially? Is there a particular reason you didn't pursue a career/education in that time e.g health etc. Your child is only 2 and it doesn't sound like prior to him you were particularly occupied with anything so I don't think being a sahm comes into it really. He sounds reasonable, not "resentful" (a bit of an over sensitive interpretation on your part).

I did do a degree in creative writing/film and numerous internships that never went anywhere, after that I temped to earn money after uni and was still living at home with parents so I travelled for a bit, when we first moved in together we were 7 years into our relationship and he had already bought/owned the flat.. during that time I was working in a number of admin jobs and attempting to pursue a music career.. all the while he was building his solid career.. I still paid my way, paid rent, cooked, washing and covered most meals, evenings out etc.,

I have literally found the years have gone by and I’m in a similar position that I was years ago! When you strive to be a musician and it isn’t quite working out, it’s a tough realisation and one that you have to begin to see more as a hobby and not your day to day thing.

Oh right. Well I guess he knew what he was signing up for.

@yellowsunset

Oh right. Well I guess he knew what he was signing up for.

Yes, I suppose so.

@bashcrashfall

It will be very difficult to find work in the hours you are talking about, particularly with a weak CV and presumably no references.

I went back to work in September after being a SAMH for about 5 years, and before that I worked part time between having DC1 and 2. I started two different volunteering roles and started studying again about a year before I wanted to start work. That meant I had referees I could use and made it easy to answer the time management question at interview! It was also good for my confidence and got me out of the house and got more conversation with adults. I'm now in an admin job - not great pay but part time and term time only (gold dust around here!) and a very family friendly employer.

So I would look at practical volunteering in a creative role if possible (even something like going to a care home and delivering music and art sessions would be good and they are always desperate for volunteers) and then look for some sort of studying you can do in the evenings as well.

More adult conversation and independence, exactly.. thank you

@Apileofballyhoo

OP you also need to look at your pension. What would happen if your DH died before you?

I have no idea tbh!

@TheNavigator

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. A lot of posters seem focussed on whether it is reasonable of your DH to expect you to work. To me, that is irrelevant. From your point of view, you have been out of the workplace for a long time and don't see a clear way back in. As I assume you don't plan to never work again, the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you to build up a decent career/way of making a living. So whatever your DH's viewon you working, you need to start thinking about what your plans are for yourself, separate to being a mother, for yourself.

Exactly, I often get into places where I am the supporter but fade into the background and burn my energy and have none left to actually focus on myself and what it is I want..

Op when is the last time you had a job? How long have you been out of the workplace? It does read like you weren’t working really before you had a child, is this right?

Could this be the source of his resentment, that it’s been going on a long time?

[quote musicmama18]@PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock

great username btw..

I'd like to know what you mean by 'For all the other red flags here...'[/quote]
Thanks! What I mean is him seeing the money earned as his not family money and the resentment you feel from him.

I don’t get this “family money “ thing. It is something invented on here that seems to be the ideal way a man will view his salary when he earns more than the woman. It is not perceived family money when the woman is the earner,

The reality is it is his money, legally, morally it’s his. It is his decision on whether to share it or not. Legally he only needs to provide for his child

P,lenty men do see it as family money, plenty don’t. Joint accounts with full access to someone’s earnings are not the norm, nor should it be put forward as such on here.

I think you have to decide whether at this point in your life fulfilment or some financial independence is more important to you.

I have been where you are, though I had no pressure from my DH and never considered myself a “leech”

I chose to go for financial independence first, and got a job that was boring, but with prospects, and over the years I was able to earn more, having more experience and contacts and confidence

I would prefer to do creative writing, or painting, but am happy with my job in software, and my creative side can come out in hobbies/spare time

I’d just go for a money job now

First off it is family money and he needs to get that

Also if you worked and contributed would he help with your side of it

At least in the 1950s the husband respected and understood the role of the wife he doesnt at all

The reality is it is his money, legally, morally it’s his. It is his decision on whether to share it or not. Legally he only needs to provide for his child if a woman/ man (usually the woman) is making career and financial sacrifices to raise a child that means childcare costs are saved, if they are making sacrifices to ensure the house is clean and clothes are washed and ironed and dinner is prepared then they are saving costs on a maid. Why the woman should go without is beyond me? Obviously this set up has to be jointly agreed- sadly when lots of men say a woman needs to go back to work after having young children they still expect them to pick up the slack at home and coordinate the children.
However OP s situation is a little different as it sounds like pre kids she may have been supported.

@Bluntness100 nope it is a matrimonial asset

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/matrimonial-and-non-matrimonial-assets/

So legally yes as earned in the marriage it is both legally and morally theirs

I don’t get this “family money “ thing. It is something invented on here

No. It's what a normal, good, healthy marriage looks like. You share money and resources to raise children (if you have them). Otherwise why get married?

You underplay the work that your do looking after your toddler, don't.

I don't think anyone shd take out whatever frustrations they have about disliking a job on a spouse. He shd look for alternative work if he is unhappy.

@Quartz2208 only on divorce.

OP realistically at this stage are you going to launch into a career having had a decade before baby to get that going and not doing so? I agree with the PP, possibly an admin type role and a separate creative side line might work for you.

Well yes but if viewed like that at divorce it should be in marriage.

@Bluntness100

I don’t get this “family money “ thing. It is something invented on here that seems to be the ideal way a man will view his salary when he earns more than the woman. It is not perceived family money when the woman is the earner,

The reality is it is his money, legally, morally it’s his. It is his decision on whether to share it or not. Legally he only needs to provide for his child

P,lenty men do see it as family money, plenty don’t. Joint accounts with full access to someone’s earnings are not the norm, nor should it be put forward as such on here.

Legally it's his while they are together at least, but when one partner is a SAHP looking after a preschool child, the idea that morally it's his alone is total and utter bollocks. Unless the SAHP has their own funds, which evidently isn't the case here, in actual fact it's the only equitable way to do things. If a person isn't prepared to view their earnings as family money in this situation, they shouldn't be entering into it in the first place. It evidently isn't being explained enough on here if you can still think this.

As you have that degree, what about doing a pgce and becoming an English teacher?

Of course joint accounts and family money are normal for married people.
What complete nonsense from a PP.

Be warned. Don’t make the mistakes I did.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3702687-Can-someone-properly-explain-why-my-DH-thinks-this

I think @Bluntness100 is right. What would our attitude be if op was a man and a woman was posting about a man who never really paid their way? We wouldn’t be saying “it’s all family money”. That’s for sure. Also it’s not like she has sacrificed her career for him. She didn’t have one to sacrifice.

I totally get that you have never quite found your way career wise op. But I also understand why your dh might be resentful. Ultimately you may need to discuss it and work out how you can financially contribute.