Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

[musicmama18]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

I think it’s very important to get straight in your own head what you are contributing to your family and to his career. There was a very interesting thread in the feminist section, a few years ago, on facillitated men that is worth a read in this regard (although the point of that thread was slightly different).

I’m a sahm, and that suits our family well. I do most of the housework, maintenance, childcare, nurturing, appointments, etc. We’ve discussed the possibility of me returning to work and for the moment, we don’t feel that the small financial benefit (after childcare, work clothes, make up, grooming, coffees, donations to various birthdays and collections, commuting costs, socialising) is worth the drop in family lifestyle (dc in childcare, evenings and weekends spent catching up on housework instead of travel and leisure). Dh would have to be available to cover dc sick days and appointments if I’m starting a new job and trying to build a reputation. The dc would have to drop some of their extra curricular activities too.

Obviously if I had a burning desire to get back to work, that would be another factor to weigh in heavily. But dh is under no illusions that he is benefitting substantially from our arrangement and both of us respect and appreciate what the other is contributing to our family.

Now I’m not suggesting that you stay as a sahm, when you want to get back to work. But I do think you need to tackle his resentment head on, and open his eyes to his privileges. And stake out the boundaries of your new roles when you start working.

Will you be working nursery hours only (put a value on the childcare you are providing in any financial agreements) or longer hours. If you are going to take responsibility for juggling dc sick days and holidays this will directly affect your earning potential both short term and long term in promotion prospects. Should this disadvantage be equally shared? If you are carrying that burden it should be balanced by directing a greater share of money towards your pension.

It’s really important to discuss these things openly. His resentment is understandable (and maybe justified to some extent ) but in the time that you’ve had a child he has been benefitting from your labour. It’s very important that you both grasp the long term financial implications of these situations.

Over and over I see posts about women in disadvantageous financial relationships out of either a sense of guilt for not earning enough or misguided equality trying to pay an equal share. Equality in family life is equal access to the money, equal leisure time and equal pension provision.

Sorry, that doesn’t address the practicalities of getting back into the workforce. But I hope it helps you avoid some of the common pitfalls

I think @Bluntness100 is right. What would our attitude be if op was a man and a woman was posting about a man who never really paid their way? We wouldn’t be saying “it’s all family money”

I would. But I don't judge relationships purely on a financial basis nor do I judge people on whether they have a worthy enough career or not.

if a woman/ man (usually the woman) is making career and financial sacrifices to raise a child that means childcare costs are saved

Sure, but the op doesn’t really seem to have been making career and financial sacrifices to raise a child so I’m not sure how that’s relevant. She has still to confirm when she last had a job. Her child is only two.

It reads like the op has not worked for much,much longer than that.

@CayrolBaaaskin

I think *@Bluntness100* is right. What would our attitude be if op was a man and a woman was posting about a man who never really paid their way? We wouldn’t be saying “it’s all family money”. That’s for sure. Also it’s not like she has sacrificed her career for him. She didn’t have one to sacrifice.

I totally get that you have never quite found your way career wise op. But I also understand why your dh might be resentful. Ultimately you may need to discuss it and work out how you can financially contribute.

The word 'sure' is taking some abuse in your post. Perhaps you're sexist, but don't assume those low standards are held by everyone commenting.

Bluntness100 I agree with you regarding OP, I noted that at the end of my post, I was explaining why family money is real thing that makes sense, however in this situation it seems different and OP may have been financially propped up for a long time before children. I would like to greater understand how much she contributed and if it was ever discussed pre children.

Just to clarify, I have worked on and off since the age of 16. I just didn't find my 'thing' so to speak and develop a respectable, stable, financially rewarding career. Whereas my boyfriend (at the time) was extremely focussed (family pressures but that's another thing) on being financially independent and buying his first property was his lifetime goal. mine was not. I wanted to live, to travel, to explore.. This happened for a small time for me, but i didn't do half of the travelling or living that i wish i had... i actually sacrificed going to a really good uni away for my boyfriend at the time (he got attacked) it was my first month at uni (top 10 in uk) and he called me saying how scared etc., we were so close and i felt he needed me, so i left and moved back. There's quite a lot to our relationship whereby we sacrificed things for each other, emotionally i supported him a lot when he was verbally abusive (never physical) at times in our relationship when he was in a high pressured job, he was very stressed, this affected me greatly but we got there in the end..

I do wonder at times why on earth i didn't leave then, i wasn't too strong a person and don't come from healthy family dynamics so I didn't know what to do, i stayed and we worked through things.

I was working in a contract role for 6 months, then fell pregnant with my son.

Have you worked through things OP though or has it created a odd dynamic in your relationship?

Because it sounds as if even though you have made the sacrifices to get him to where he is he still considers it to be his money, the chores and childcare to be your role and I would bet if you did work the money would be shared but the chores and childcare would not

whereby we sacrificed things for each other

I see yours - what is his?

That kind of reads op like you feel it’s his fault that you didn’t have any career, and it may well be, or it may be you need to take some personal responsibility. I wonder if he’d agree with you.

The reason I say that is because you initially focus on you wished to be a musician and travel and now when the answers don’t quite go your way you tell us you were at a top uni and gave it up for him and he is abusive to you.

Irrelevant Of the whys and where fore’s, you’re both where you are now. Rejig your cv, look for roles you have the skill set to do and when your son is in nursery gain employment, maybe temping would work, as the resentment is going to build here.

He had you leave uni? Sorry that’s controlling in my book!

If you are creative why not look at marketing. You can do so many courses on LinkedIn or a mini MBA online.

Google or hubspot have extensive training resources.

You can often pick up remote marketing work or join an agency.

Personally I would see a career coach and get advice about where to go

What princess said above!
A child going to nursery or school doesn't mean that childcare is automatically sorted out! Holiday times are also a headache for many to source and be paid for too.
It's not easy working with children of any ages. You need to talk to him about how he sees things panning out here : is he willing to come up with childcare solutions as well as you ?
You've also helped his career too!
Don't be so hard on yourself!

So you've had one go at a fulfilling career with your music and for whatever reason it didn't work out, which is truly a shame. It sounds like you do have a lot to offer in that area and it might be a way to build a little sideline or develop yourself personally and have a little space for yourself.

However, at this stage in your life where you're maybe looking at retraining for a career I think you need to consider financial independence really really hard and think about training in something which can earn you a decent wage e.g. accountancy. No it won't set the world on fire, but with a kid and a husband who seemingly resents his position I think you need to earn some money. So first maybe use your creative skills to volunteer, build up a CV, find an admin job, study in the evening? It's not going to be easy but I think it's really worth considering.

@Quartz2208

Have you worked through things OP though or has it created a odd dynamic in your relationship?

Because it sounds as if even though you have made the sacrifices to get him to where he is he still considers it to be his money, the chores and childcare to be your role and I would bet if you did work the money would be shared but the chores and childcare would not

whereby we sacrificed things for each other

I see yours - what is his?

I don't believe he has sacrificed anything. He has been on his path and journey which would have likely been the same had we have met.. He has/is doing what he would have done regardless, i believe.

@Bluntness100

That kind of reads op like you feel it’s his fault that you didn’t have any career, and it may well be, or it may be you need to take some personal responsibility. I wonder if he’d agree with you.

The reason I say that is because you initially focus on you wished to be a musician and travel and now when the answers don’t quite go your way you tell us you were at a top uni and gave it up for him and he is abusive to you.

Irrelevant Of the whys and where fore’s, you’re both where you are now. Rejig your cv, look for roles you have the skill set to do and when your son is in nursery gain employment, maybe temping would work, as the resentment is going to build here.

I wouldn't say it's entirely his fault i didn't have a career, but things could have worked out quite differently for me had we have not met..? i absolutely need to take personal responsibility and would not/should not blame him for my lack if focus/career, that wouldn't be fair, but i do feel it plays a part, deep down.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

He had you leave uni? Sorry that’s controlling in my book!

he didn't have me leave uni, but we missed each other loads and it didn't feel right for me be away from him at the time. especially after he was attacked, i felt he needed me. i also felt i needed him.

@The80sweregreat

What princess said above! A child going to nursery or school doesn't mean that childcare is automatically sorted out! Holiday times are also a headache for many to source and be paid for too. It's not easy working with children of any ages. You need to talk to him about how he sees things panning out here : is he willing to come up with childcare solutions as well as you ? You've also helped his career too! Don't be so hard on yourself!

thank you x

@TeaAndHobnob

So you've had one go at a fulfilling career with your music and for whatever reason it didn't work out, which is truly a shame. It sounds like you do have a lot to offer in that area and it might be a way to build a little sideline or develop yourself personally and have a little space for yourself.

However, at this stage in your life where you're maybe looking at retraining for a career I think you need to consider financial independence really really hard and think about training in something which can earn you a decent wage e.g. accountancy. No it won't set the world on fire, but with a kid and a husband who seemingly resents his position I think you need to earn some money. So first maybe use your creative skills to volunteer, build up a CV, find an admin job, study in the evening? It's not going to be easy but I think it's really worth considering.

Absolutely, I could do with training in something that is sure fire for bringing in an income, it would enable me to feel more at ease, to contribute to our family in monetary terms also.

PS: After a conversation last night about my future prospects - DH said i don't have to go back to work at all, as during the lockdown, he's seen the amount i cover/take care of without him being too aware before when he was in the office.

i have decided i do want to go back to work and do something for myself, for confidence building, for sanity, for independence...

I dont think you are in a healthy relationship at all with this dynamic and that needs to be addressed I think in order to move forward.

I think you need to realise you are a partnership you are not a leech and he is where he is because of you but that you need to find your own way forward now and he needs to support you as well. What housework/childcare is prepared to do to faciliate this and help you find yourself

Hi, loads of good advice on this thread already! I don't think you are all that unusual... loads of people drift through their careers, wishing they could do the jo they loved and then accepting it has to be a hobby and finding something sensible but dull to provide a living wage.

You sound a bit depressed, tbh. You definitely need a big boost to your self esteem! Once your toddler starts nursery, be really bold and cheerfully pursue setting up play dates with the other kids. You will probably find a few parents who arent full time and can talk to you about how they manage work and childcare, they might even have a suggestion for local part time work.

Meanwhile, why not ,take advantage of the current situation and set yourself up as a music tutor on Zoom? Make yourself available at weekends and tell your husband HE has to cover the childcare, he will soon realise he has been having a pretty easy time taking the high ground and making you feel bad about yourself!

Or, might you be able to set up an online Zoom group for toddlers doing music and crafting? Lots of mums need that kind of thing at the moment - we are possibly facing future local lockdowns and who knows what winter will bring? It could be agree activity, but perhaps you could convert it into a business later (have you looked at some of the music with mummy type franchises? There might be a market for that in your village and it might satisfy some if your creative instincts).

PS when I was working full time with a big career like my OH, it was VERY exhausting with a toddler, and the stress of getting to nursery every day by closing time was awful. I had my mother in law helping one afternoon a week with pick up, but every other day was a mad rush. We never ate as a family. My OH and I seemed to be constantly cleaning or doing laundry in the evenings, no time to ourselves as just too exhausted. We had to give up exercise and a lot of our social lives. But I did feel proud of myself for bringing on as much money as my OH and we had a very, very equal partnership. After two years, we were able to afford a cleaner once a week which made a huge difference. All I am saying is the grass is always greener and there are pros and cons to being a SAHM or a working mum. The key is striking a balance that works for you and your family.

Not having a complete arse for an OH also helps, but the ship might have sailed for you on that account, lol.

Don't underestimate what you do as a SAHM. In fact, you should work out where your hours go, and then show OH how it will impact the household and more importantly his precious self if you get paid employment - he will have to pick up the slack. Do NOT simply add work on top of your already busy life! Stand up for yourself and assert how valuable your contribution has been all these years. You have been massively taken for granted, and it has worn you down. Time for that to change!

Good luck.

Of course money earned in a family is family money. And of course people would say the same if the man was the one looking after the kids. That's a legal and a moral position. All this SAHP bashing is fucking ridiculous; people pay for childcare. It is MUCH EASIER to do well in your job if you have someone at home. You get to stay late, do all the social networking, travel without worrying about it etc. And then usually without looking after your own personal admin shit as well.

The trouble is OP that getting into a position where you can work without having to do all that you do now on top is tricky. I honestly think the best way to get away from that is by getting a full time job yourself. My sister was in a similar position to you and entered the civil service fast track stream. You've got a degree and a brain and the training is good, work experience less relevant I think.

This is so sad to read. OP you need to sort yourself out, for you, because life is short and how will you feel at 50,60 if nothing changes?

Your DH needs a major relish check about the practicalities if you holding down any sort of job based around the nursery hours you’re talking about here. Either he needs to step up and start facilitating you (sounds unlikely) or accept that a SAH partner works best for him and start treating you as an equal in all senses (also unlikely). Sorry to say but I think you need to start making your decisions based on the strong possibility that if you want to make something if your life, outside of being a downtrodden and unappreciated SAHM, you’re going to need to leave this man in order to do so.

I’m not saying that being a SAHM means you haven’t made anything of your life by the way, just that you seem to want more and your husband is clearly expecting more. A SAHP situation only works if both parties are all in for the realities of that choice, which I don’t think either you or he are.

Lots of good ideas on this threadwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3944614-Advice-to-all-young-women

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3944614-Advice-to-all-young-women