Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

[musicmama18]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

i may have painted him to be an arse, he has beenat times, but isn't always - he is quite supportive overall. It's now on me to know exactly what i want and go for it, for him to slot around me for once. I have to take the reigns with this one. Since becoming a mum, I have grown a pair of balls and he has been taken by surprise to say the least.

[quote mrsmuddlepies]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3944614-Advice-to-all-young-women[/quote]
thank you for sending, great read. xx

So I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle, I'm probably a creative type who really struggled and absolutely hated my very sensible career I trained for several years to do. Redundnacy even without a payout of more than a couple of month's salary was a blessing in disguise. So what I ended up creating were businesses. I have absolutely no business background, but I like to create so I looked at ways I could monitise the things I made or liked doing. I haven't found a way to monitise my reading habit yet but give it time!

To start small and start now head on over to money saving expert up your income forum, there is also an excellent article on the main site (I don't know if I'm allowed to link to other sites on here?) which details over 100 ways to start bringing in income right now. You don't need to do htem all but on a lsit that long some of them will appeal to you. You're not about to bring your busband's income in tomorrow but seeing you trying and preparing for work will help the atmosphere.

I have self published 3 ebooks which doesn't bring in loads, but a couple of hundred a month, I have printables on etsy which brings in more, I have a print on demand store which is comfortably bringing in 4 figures a month every month (checkout a channel called Wholesale Ted on youtube for good videos on how to do this, another option is dropshiping but I've never fancied it personally), in the past I've had a printing business in my spare room, I used to import bulk tonnes of vintage clothing and spruce them up and resell them on etsy and ebay and often one dress would go for the same as a whole tonne of clothing cost me. I've trained to teach 4 very niche styles of fitness and then specalised in the one that had huge interest, I've written online courses, I regularly run online and face to face workshops, I run one to ones in a few areas. I am not suggesting you do many things at once, but I'm trying to suggest things that have worked for me, and hopefully you'll find a way to earn that excites you.

For me setting up my own businesses worked, they don't for everyone, there are plenty of low or no risk ways to earn money listed on money saving expert and it's just finding the right fit, it'll also help build your confidence if returning to formal employment is right for your family.

It's also worth going on sites such as udemy and future learn, skillshare for a less formalised one, there are a lot of courses you can do from home and then you have the option to spend £30 or whatever to get a certificate which can then go on your CV so when you start applying for traditional employment your employer can see you value and you haven't just been a stay at home parent (Don't get me wrong, I've been a SAHM and it's not always easy, but when I get a CV applying for a job with me now that lists stay at home parent as 'household manager' and lists all the things that we all do that person isn't getting an interview, but the SAHM parent of small children who has done a few courses, I'm very keen to get them in to give them the oppertunity to work as my experience has been very positive in the past that people who think they are less likely to get a job are more enthusiastic to do well at it). Generalised admin skills are always good, customer service, but depending on what you might like to do social media management is something a lot of small businesses are keen to have someone in house to do a bit of.

Best of luck working out what is right for you and your family

I wouldn't say it's entirely his fault i didn't have a career

Do you really think you’d have had a career if you’d not have met? Because quite frankly there was nothing to stop you. You could have transferred uni and continued. You didn’t need to drop out go travelling try to make it as a musician and do some short term admin jobs.

He was able to have his. There was nothing stopping you having yours at the same time.

Your posts all seem to point at him being to blame for your own life choices. And yet till your mid twenties you didn’t even live together. Those seven years where you would have been in further education and making your career.

If he's become an arse now it may be because he's reached his limits on your passiveness to a career or earning potential.
If he is a sensible sort who finically plans he may be looking to the future. His child's education, his retirement, recession! Etc and becoming concerned that you will not be any contributing force within the family unit.

@Bluntness100

I wouldn't say it's entirely his fault i didn't have a career

Do you really think you’d have had a career if you’d not have met? Because quite frankly there was nothing to stop you. You could have transferred uni and continued. You didn’t need to drop out go travelling try to make it as a musician and do some short term admin jobs.

He was able to have his. There was nothing stopping you having yours at the same time.

Your posts all seem to point at him being to blame for your own life choices. And yet till your mid twenties you didn’t even live together. Those seven years where you would have been in further education and making your career.

I really agree, sorry but there are so many threads where women blame ‘society’ or other forces for decisions that they have made and the resulting lack of a career or decent salary. We all have to own our own choices and take responsibility. People don’t just find themselves in the position you’re in-it has been a series of your own decisions that have put you there. Your husband may have encouraged you to do certain things but you can’t blame him if you went along with it. You have an opportunity here to grab life while you’re still young. Do it! Either you’re driven or you’re not, now is the time to figure that out.

^ I agree. Creative writing degrees are known for being money makers and OP floated around doing low paid jobs and travelling with vague notions of a music career. For most of her adulthood. If you take husband and recent child out of the equation, there's still no career/education she put on hold or sacrificed to speak of. She just made poor choices while her husband made good ones- he would've achieved his career without her and nothing stopping her from getting her head down. Now's the time to do something with herself.

I think you need to train in something as it sounds like all your admin contract roles didn't lead anywhere.

Were there any roles in the companies you worked at that interested you - I mentioned marketing down thread for example?

Can you use any of your music experience? Could you do music for children? Is there a market in your area?

I would make a big mindmap of all your different ideas and then categorise them and look at how realistic they each are.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you need to just stick at something and make it work otherwise you're going to be trapped in these short contracts.

What's important to you - good money or doing something you really like?
Why does OP get that choice but not her husband?

@choli

What's important to you - good money or doing something you really like? Why does OP get that choice but not her husband?

Who says he doesn't? Who says the op wouldn't be happy to make a lifestyle change? She doesn't strike me as someone who is in the relationship for money. He decided to make money. It's not necessarily the 'right' answer (above and beyond what you need to survive).

above and beyond what you need to survive

But that's the problem. She doesn't seem able to achieve this level of income.

My husband "paid" me for looking after our DD and housework etc. That is very different from leeching off someone. Just because it's a mainly female role it shouldn't be demeaned.

As your little one is starting nursery it could be an opportunity for you both to change roles in ways that is beneficial to you both

Hi OP,

Tbh I'm disturbed by the way finances work in your household. Do you know how much money your husband makes? Have you seen the cheques? Can you access the account the money is deposited in? I really hate the idea that he gives you an "allowance" to pay for food and Ds (what about things for yourself?) do you think if you work, he will expect you to use your small salary to cover those expenses? Cuz that's what it sounds like to me. You're not a child he is taking care of, you're a team and money should not be controlled only by the earner. this is a red flag for me.

I also feel the pain of moving and being isolated from friends and family, esp when not working. My self esteem tanked from this! I think retraining could be amazing for your social life, self esteem, and long term earning potential. Could you take a small loan out to pay for it? Even just investigating the possibilities might make you feel better. I'm applying for a masters here in the USA which will cost up to $50k . But dh is supportive bc he realizes the moves we made have 100% benefitted his career and stalled out mine. I also ended up drifting into admin positions and losing sight of my own future. I agree it's part personal responsibility, but sometime you lose yourself in relationships. Don't feel too bad about it!

Remember just because he earns the money doesn't mean he gets to control your life! If he is totally miserable with his career, maybe talk about how you focusing on work will allow him to pivot careers in a few years. If he really is a high earner tho, I doubt he will really want to change careers. From how you have described him, he seems to see earning money as giving a person value.

@Ohnoducks

So I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle, I'm probably a creative type who really struggled and absolutely hated my very sensible career I trained for several years to do. Redundnacy even without a payout of more than a couple of month's salary was a blessing in disguise. So what I ended up creating were businesses. I have absolutely no business background, but I like to create so I looked at ways I could monitise the things I made or liked doing. I haven't found a way to monitise my reading habit yet but give it time!

To start small and start now head on over to money saving expert up your income forum, there is also an excellent article on the main site (I don't know if I'm allowed to link to other sites on here?) which details over 100 ways to start bringing in income right now. You don't need to do htem all but on a lsit that long some of them will appeal to you. You're not about to bring your busband's income in tomorrow but seeing you trying and preparing for work will help the atmosphere.

I have self published 3 ebooks which doesn't bring in loads, but a couple of hundred a month, I have printables on etsy which brings in more, I have a print on demand store which is comfortably bringing in 4 figures a month every month (checkout a channel called Wholesale Ted on youtube for good videos on how to do this, another option is dropshiping but I've never fancied it personally), in the past I've had a printing business in my spare room, I used to import bulk tonnes of vintage clothing and spruce them up and resell them on etsy and ebay and often one dress would go for the same as a whole tonne of clothing cost me. I've trained to teach 4 very niche styles of fitness and then specalised in the one that had huge interest, I've written online courses, I regularly run online and face to face workshops, I run one to ones in a few areas. I am not suggesting you do many things at once, but I'm trying to suggest things that have worked for me, and hopefully you'll find a way to earn that excites you.

For me setting up my own businesses worked, they don't for everyone, there are plenty of low or no risk ways to earn money listed on money saving expert and it's just finding the right fit, it'll also help build your confidence if returning to formal employment is right for your family.

It's also worth going on sites such as udemy and future learn, skillshare for a less formalised one, there are a lot of courses you can do from home and then you have the option to spend £30 or whatever to get a certificate which can then go on your CV so when you start applying for traditional employment your employer can see you value and you haven't just been a stay at home parent (Don't get me wrong, I've been a SAHM and it's not always easy, but when I get a CV applying for a job with me now that lists stay at home parent as 'household manager' and lists all the things that we all do that person isn't getting an interview, but the SAHM parent of small children who has done a few courses, I'm very keen to get them in to give them the oppertunity to work as my experience has been very positive in the past that people who think they are less likely to get a job are more enthusiastic to do well at it). Generalised admin skills are always good, customer service, but depending on what you might like to do social media management is something a lot of small businesses are keen to have someone in house to do a bit of.

Best of luck working out what is right for you and your family

Thanks so much for taking your time for this info.. a lot of food for thought now xx

@birdy124

Hi OP,

Tbh I'm disturbed by the way finances work in your household. Do you know how much money your husband makes? Have you seen the cheques? Can you access the account the money is deposited in? I really hate the idea that he gives you an "allowance" to pay for food and Ds (what about things for yourself?) do you think if you work, he will expect you to use your small salary to cover those expenses? Cuz that's what it sounds like to me. You're not a child he is taking care of, you're a team and money should not be controlled only by the earner. this is a red flag for me.

I also feel the pain of moving and being isolated from friends and family, esp when not working. My self esteem tanked from this! I think retraining could be amazing for your social life, self esteem, and long term earning potential. Could you take a small loan out to pay for it? Even just investigating the possibilities might make you feel better. I'm applying for a masters here in the USA which will cost up to $50k . But dh is supportive bc he realizes the moves we made have 100% benefitted his career and stalled out mine. I also ended up drifting into admin positions and losing sight of my own future. I agree it's part personal responsibility, but sometime you lose yourself in relationships. Don't feel too bad about it!

Remember just because he earns the money doesn't mean he gets to control your life! If he is totally miserable with his career, maybe talk about how you focusing on work will allow him to pivot careers in a few years. If he really is a high earner tho, I doubt he will really want to change careers. From how you have described him, he seems to see earning money as giving a person value.

I do know what he earns but have never had or asked for access to that account.. we have a joint credit card account but I don’t use or have that card.. the allowance goes into my main debit account each month and I use it for food, baby, petrol and of course if I need any small thing (which is rare) it’s mostly for food as we seem to get through a lot each month.

My self esteem is in desperate need of a boost and for me, going back to work and earning my own money is very important to me.

@AskingforaBaskin

above and beyond what you need to survive

But that's the problem. She doesn't seem able to achieve this level of income.

I can achieve an above average salary if I work in a bank as an assistant, as I have done in the past, I was on £45k.. so please don’t assume too quickly. For me, the job was soul destroying, I was treated in a way that seriously knocked my confidence and trust.

@choli

What's important to you - good money or doing something you really like? Why does OP get that choice but not her husband?

My DH made his choice before we even met. I’ve been by side through his growth.

@doadeer

I think you need to train in something as it sounds like all your admin contract roles didn't lead anywhere.

Were there any roles in the companies you worked at that interested you - I mentioned marketing down thread for example?

Can you use any of your music experience? Could you do music for children? Is there a market in your area?

I would make a big mindmap of all your different ideas and then categorise them and look at how realistic they each are.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you need to just stick at something and make it work otherwise you're going to be trapped in these short contracts.

I’ve never been interested in office based work, I fell into it after uni.. nothing about being in an office environment or a traditional job/career route inspires me or excites me one iota.

Music in my area is definitely something I could look into.. thank you!

@AskingforaBaskin

If he's become an arse now it may be because he's reached his limits on your passiveness to a career or earning potential. If he is a sensible sort who finically plans he may be looking to the future. His child's education, his retirement, recession! Etc and becoming concerned that you will not be any contributing force within the family unit.

He is exactly a sensible type who has planned for everything in finance terms, he has an excel sheet he works through each few weeks.. we are chalk and cheese in this way, but we’ve known that all along about each other.. now we have a son, I feel the urgency and need to make a decent income at the same time being relatively happy in my day to day life with the work I do.. work does define us all to a certain degree and I want to do and talk about something I am really proud of!

@yellowsunset

^ I agree. Creative writing degrees are known for being money makers and OP floated around doing low paid jobs and travelling with vague notions of a music career. For most of her adulthood. If you take husband and recent child out of the equation, there's still no career/education she put on hold or sacrificed to speak of. She just made poor choices while her husband made good ones- he would've achieved his career without her and nothing stopping her from getting her head down. Now's the time to do something with herself.

If I had have gone to top tier university I may well have met different types of people and been exposed to different opportunities. The university I went to, was very standard, easy entry, no networking opportunities and not a challenge but I was closer to boyfriend (now DH). Also I would have been studying Sociology so different to creative writing/film. I have just completed a children’s book and will e-publish that, see how it goes..

@Bluntness100

I wouldn't say it's entirely his fault i didn't have a career

Do you really think you’d have had a career if you’d not have met? Because quite frankly there was nothing to stop you. You could have transferred uni and continued. You didn’t need to drop out go travelling try to make it as a musician and do some short term admin jobs.

He was able to have his. There was nothing stopping you having yours at the same time.

Your posts all seem to point at him being to blame for your own life choices. And yet till your mid twenties you didn’t even live together. Those seven years where you would have been in further education and making your career.

I didn’t drop out of my degree, I completed it. I don’t honestly know if I would have found my ‘thing’ in a career so to speak, it’s hard to answer that question. I’m not blaming him, but there’s a certain amount of influence I feel he has had on me for sure.

You have been working op. For 2 years. Raising a child. How would he have managed otherwise? Don't beat yourself up. Value what you have been doing and make sure all those multi tasking skills go onto your CV for the future.

This sounds like a bad relationship to me, he's close to being financially abusive imo. He gives you a housekeeping allowance, what is this the 1950s? I think he just resents what he sees as the easy life you have as a sahm, while he goes out to his job he doesn't much like. There's no appreciation for your role and you have ended up feeling like a "leech". He does 5% of the parenting which is absolutely rubbish. I bet he would appreciate you a bit more if he took on his fair share of the parenting and understood it is hard work. If he was supportive he would be working as a team, working out something together that works for both of you as a future plan. I can understand that he might not want to be the sole breadwinner long term, but he should recognise that means he needs to contribute more to the housework and parenting and support you in retraining or setting up a business. I don't think that's his attitude at all, he wants you to magically keep doing all the housework and get a magical job that allows you to do that with no qualifications. Even if you did that he probably wouldn't be happy if he doesn't like his job.

You say you’re a creative type who wanted to travel more. You seem like someone who’s had their wings clipped and was grounded before you had a chance to fly.

In your situation, I’d start looking at music to make money to firstly, contribute to the household expenses and secondly, to do things that you’re passionate about - like attending musical events and to go places and travel.
Could you start off with teaching a musical instrument? Or look into teaching music? A music based playgroup? There must be opportunities that would suit you.

Don’t let life pass you by and don’t deny yourself the means to share your passions with your Ds.

@CoralReefer

You say you’re a creative type who wanted to travel more. You seem like someone who’s had their wings clipped and was grounded before you had a chance to fly.

In your situation, I’d start looking at music to make money to firstly, contribute to the household expenses and secondly, to do things that you’re passionate about - like attending musical events and to go places and travel.
Could you start off with teaching a musical instrument? Or look into teaching music? A music based playgroup? There must be opportunities that would suit you.

Don’t let life pass you by and don’t deny yourself the means to share your passions with your Ds.

Your words really moved me, sums up perfectly how i have been feeling. Making money from music is a great idea, i know it won't be easy to start, but i'd love to do that.

My only fear is that if I don't have a profession or solid skill so to speak, my earning potential will always be considerably low. I have my husband to fall back on yes, but something about that doesn't sit well with me.

A music based playgroup sounds like a lovely idea.