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Original poster

Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

147 replies

musicmama18 · 24/06/2020 12:15

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 25/06/2020 15:14

So basically, your dh, like many, many other men out there, see the sahm as an employee/selfish leeching houseguest. He is "paying" you a "wage" to look after his child and "his" home, to cook for him clean for him, do his shopping etc, except you are "costing him money" because you eat HIS food that HE paid for, you're using HIS electricity, you're using HIS water, etc....

Op, this never ends well. He doesn't see you as an equal. He sees you as an inconvenience. He sees you as a house guest that owes him. I would get a job, and start saving asap, because bet your bottom dollar, this kind of man won't bother with any children he has if you get a divorce (because YOU left so it's YOUR responsibility to pay for your child), he'll fight you for every penny in court, and he'll feel utterly.justified in painting him as the poor hard done by hard working husband having to deal.with this ungrateful lazy sponging wife.
How many hours have you cooked? Cleaned? Done laundry? Sorted shit out for him? Washed his fucking pants and socks and picked up after him? How many hours childcare have you done in just one day of 24 hours? Times that by how long it's been, and show him the bill. If money is all that matters to him, then maybe a bill for your time will make him see exactly everything you've done for him over the years so he gets to come home to clean clothes and a clean house and food in the fridge and on the table etc.

LaureBerthaud · 25/06/2020 15:17

Stop being so ... subservient and self deprecating.

Don't assume other women look down on you. Don't describe yourself as a leech. When your DH tells you you'll be contributing to bills etc, tell him "no problem - we're opening a joint account today so everything can come out of one pot."

I can't believe women - mother's! - go along with their husband giving them a fucking allowance!

LaureBerthaud · 25/06/2020 15:18

*mothers!

PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock · 25/06/2020 15:35

@musicmama18

Also, just to add, I know retraining has been mentioned but that costs money (diploma etc.,) and I don't think that would go down too well... thoughts?
In that case he needs to understand the nature of the choice before him and the implications of his decision. For all the other red flags here, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with feeling he'd rather the household had a second income earlier over investing in further training to earn more later. However, this decision has consequences.

You've not worked for a while and had a patchy history beforehand, plus the economy is tanking. Unless you're able to find a way to quickly convert your creative talents into a good and regular income, that means work you find is likely to be low paid. It may demand flexibility from you, to the extent of needing more childcare. For this reason, it's also a realistic possibility that he will need to curtail his work commitments in order to allow you to earn. If he won't, that further reduces the pool of jobs you can take.

It's important that he understands the implications of his decision. Unfortunately, he doesn't sound like someone who does a brilliant job accepting there are consequences to his actions, so this might be difficult. In which case, you have a problem.

I'd also look into MOOCs and free online courses. You're not going to be able to retrain that way, but if you did eg some computer refresher ones that would be something to mention in interviews.

doadeer · 25/06/2020 15:45

If you create music, poetry etc check out a platform called Patreon - you can create things for people to purchase to support you.

What did you work as before you had your son?

What sort of opportunities are there where you live?

doadeer · 25/06/2020 15:50

There are loads of free training courses on LinkedIn - if you don't have a profile make one and start following and engaging with the types of companies you'd like to work for

Janaih · 25/06/2020 15:51

His career has been able to flourish because you've done the donkey work and life admin supporting him. His wages are as much yours as his. Its family money.
I'm sensing that he wouldn't see you as an equal whatever job you had. Hope you can come up with a plan that suits you, good luck.

Purpleartichoke · 25/06/2020 16:18

It is not his money. He couldn’t be earning if you weren’t taking care of the house and child. Morally, half of every penny he earns has been earned by you. He needs a massive attitude adjustment.

That said, being the sole breadwinner can be stressful. You might also enjoy working. I would not focus on finding a job that pays you to be creative because that can be very challenging to find. You can feed that part of your soul as a hobby.

Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:17

@LaureBerthaud

Stop being so ... subservient and self deprecating.

Don't assume other women look down on you. Don't describe yourself as a leech. When your DH tells you you'll be contributing to bills etc, tell him "no problem - we're opening a joint account today so everything can come out of one pot."

I can't believe women - mother's! - go along with their husband giving them a fucking allowance!

I've always been a self deprecating type of person, although wouldn't necessarily say I'm subservient..

in terms of other women looking down, it's merely from my experiences in meeting new mum's and discussing things like childcare/work etc., you can see people's responses and reactions.

I'm in agreement, an allowance seems quite ridiculous but i've never been a 'money' or finance type person, although i'm now questioning a few things.. i'm aware i need to be more savvy when it comes to looking after myself and my own interests too..

Also, in my mind a joint account is for 2 salaries entering.. of course i'm mother and providing childcare but i've never thought of a joint account being all one person's earnings.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:21

@doadeer

If you create music, poetry etc check out a platform called Patreon - you can create things for people to purchase to support you.

What did you work as before you had your son?

What sort of opportunities are there where you live?

before my son work was on/off as a PA/assistant - not me at all, but felt lost and plodded along for a while..

i'm yet to research local opportunities, although i wouldn't imagine there will half as many as in a city like London.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:22

@PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock

great username btw..

I'd like to know what you mean by 'For all the other red flags here...'

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 25/06/2020 17:30

I have a few thoughts ... mainly around the fact that this all sounds very biased towards your husband and paints you in an unfair light.

What exact hours would you be able to work once DS is in nursery? And how many days a week? Are we talking 9.30 til 2pm three days a week or are we talking 8am to 6pm five days a week?

This is really important as it totally dictates what sort of work you'll be able to do. And of course then you'll be squeezing all the shopping and cooking and housework and laundry in once you're home and your son is fed and bathed and put to bed.

whatisheupto · 25/06/2020 17:31

What I meant is, what hours is your son going to nursery? I'm aware you don't have the job yet!!

whatisheupto · 25/06/2020 17:33

And is he going to be available for any of the drop offs and pick ups?

doadeer · 25/06/2020 17:34

Do you mind me asking how old you are? If you've been with your partner 16 years you must be over 30.... You probably have more work experience than you are stating in your OP. Is it worth speaking to those people who help you write CVs? An expert might be able to help position things in a favourable light

Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:46

@whatisheupto

I have a few thoughts ... mainly around the fact that this all sounds very biased towards your husband and paints you in an unfair light.

What exact hours would you be able to work once DS is in nursery? And how many days a week? Are we talking 9.30 til 2pm three days a week or are we talking 8am to 6pm five days a week?

This is really important as it totally dictates what sort of work you'll be able to do. And of course then you'll be squeezing all the shopping and cooking and housework and laundry in once you're home and your son is fed and bathed and put to bed.

would start him off a few days per week for a morning or afternoon session, 2-3 days and slowly build him up to full time at nursery..
OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:46

@whatisheupto

And is he going to be available for any of the drop offs and pick ups?
he should be as can WFH 3 days per week!
OP posts:
june2007 · 25/06/2020 17:47

When I was a stay at home mum and husband at work there was some resentment. He was working in a job he didn,t like and sore me as not living life of Riley but doing what I wanted. (I guess the thing about the house work is that has to be done any way.)

Anyway I went back to work and even became the mane bread winner as he went back to college. Now I am main breadwinner again due to other circumstance. It,s lovely that you can be home for the children when they are young, but I can also see why he feels it,s time to contribute to the finances. And childminders are cheaper then nursery,s so that way you may end up with more money to take home.

Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:48

@doadeer

Do you mind me asking how old you are? If you've been with your partner 16 years you must be over 30.... You probably have more work experience than you are stating in your OP. Is it worth speaking to those people who help you write CVs? An expert might be able to help position things in a favourable light
i'm mid thirties - yes, will need to re-jig my CV!
OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 25/06/2020 17:49

@june2007

When I was a stay at home mum and husband at work there was some resentment. He was working in a job he didn,t like and sore me as not living life of Riley but doing what I wanted. (I guess the thing about the house work is that has to be done any way.)

Anyway I went back to work and even became the mane bread winner as he went back to college. Now I am main breadwinner again due to other circumstance. It,s lovely that you can be home for the children when they are young, but I can also see why he feels it,s time to contribute to the finances. And childminders are cheaper then nursery,s so that way you may end up with more money to take home.

thanks June.. him not liking his job isn't ideal.. to be fair, he hasn't like his job for 10 years or so now but hasn't changed it..
OP posts:
whatisheupto · 25/06/2020 18:28

With DS in for just 3 hours a day, 2 or 3 days a week, you will not be able to work. Unless of course it's something you can do from home for 2 hours at a time. Once he is full time then you can, but I think your DH sounds a bit controlling and you need to stick up for yourself. Don't fall into the trap of working nearly full time and still doing all the jobs at home that you do now. Sit him down and write it all down for him to see. If you are both working equal hours then he will need to do exactly half of all the housework and child rearing. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels he sounds like he does not recognize or value your role in the family. It's hard OP but you need to start spelling your value out to him and change this attitude him and his Mother have.

Greydove28 · 25/06/2020 18:42

@birdy124

I don't think it's healthy for you to think the house isn't yours bc "he bought it". You're married with a kid, you're a family, the house belongs to both of you. I assume you're doing the majority of childcare and housework? That's a big job. You also sacrificed ( it sounds) your career to improve his.

Also the idea that men are working soo hard at the office is bullshit. He's getting the higher status in society, time with adults, lunches out I'm sure. it's not that hard to do office work, being at home is a lot more shit work and ppl look down at you.

I think he should really support you going back to school (if you wan). If there is a specific course you want to do I think that would make the most sense in the long run.

It's also weird to me that he is saying you need to contribute money right away for nursery etc. Does he keep all the money and give you an allowance? Do you have a joint account? He sounds like he thinks if it has "his money".

Personally I think you should make a career plan because your husband sounds like an asshole and you need to be financially independent for your own sake.

I completely agree
Greydove28 · 25/06/2020 18:52

I meant to say op, please don't be one of those women who have to cover the entire nursery costs from your salary. Seen it time and time again on here. Stand up for yourself.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/06/2020 19:13

1- pls stop praising your husband for working, most people prefer a day in an office to a whole day with a toddler (they are draining- god love em
But bloody hell they are hard work)

2- you should take any admin based job (given your experience) to start earning- and start releasing the tasks as home to your husband.

3 - look at maybe Etsy for inspiration to start a small home creative business on the side

4- don’t pay half the bills etc/ it should be a percentage of your earnings like your partners

Good luck!

TheNavigator · 25/06/2020 19:27

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. A lot of posters seem focussed on whether it is reasonable of your DH to expect you to work. To me, that is irrelevant. From your point of view, you have been out of the workplace for a long time and don't see a clear way back in. As I assume you don't plan to never work again, the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you to build up a decent career/way of making a living. So whatever your DH's viewon you working, you need to start thinking about what your plans are for yourself, separate to being a mother, for yourself.