Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

[musicmama18]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

You have a lot of fears. It’s time to discard those fears and start taking steps to do what you want.
You took the first step by starting this thread.
Now take the next. Go and research opportunities and see what calls you.

Your op resonated with me because I felt my wings were clipped due to being a relationship with my dh since uni. I wanted to see the world, climb mountains, trek through rainforests, volunteer abroad.
He wanted to stay at home. So we did. I look back on my 20’s and apart from my wedding and honeymoon, I went hardly anywhere.

When I had kids, I suddenly found my fighting spirit. The rest of my life was not going to be boring. I was going to explore the world and share it with my kids. So I did.
My dc are still below 14 and guess what? We’ve climbed mountains, visited rainforests and travelled all over the uk and to 14 countries.
I will volunteer abroad later

@CoralReefer

You have a lot of fears. It’s time to discard those fears and start taking steps to do what you want. You took the first step by starting this thread. Now take the next. Go and research opportunities and see what calls you.

Your op resonated with me because I felt my wings were clipped due to being a relationship with my dh since uni. I wanted to see the world, climb mountains, trek through rainforests, volunteer abroad.
He wanted to stay at home. So we did. I look back on my 20’s and apart from my wedding and honeymoon, I went hardly anywhere.

When I had kids, I suddenly found my fighting spirit. The rest of my life was not going to be boring. I was going to explore the world and share it with my kids. So I did.
My dc are still below 14 and guess what? We’ve climbed mountains, visited rainforests and travelled all over the uk and to 14 countries.
I will volunteer abroad later

Amazing. Can I ask if you are still with your partner? Also, what type of a job you do to have a life like that? I want to share my passions and show my son what life can be like.. not always dull and following everyone else’s path x

@musicmama18 I’m still with my dh. He has his faults but is a good man. He works hard and prefers to stay at home. When I hit 30, I felt quite low as he didn’t want to go out anywhere even on my birthday, and I thought ‘Is this my life?’ I blew up at him and told him he wasn’t going to hold me back anymore.
He doesn’t stand in my way, either metaphorically or financially, I just never thought to do those things without him. Strange, huh?
I used to work in finance then found a part time role in a school so I always have the school holidays off.
I also do some online work with a couple of companies (like the previous poster mentioned)
I’m pretty careful with money too. Always check we have the best deals on phones and utilities, don’t buy alcohol, try to keep food costs low.
I’d rather spend money on a day out than get a take away. It all adds up.

[quote CoralReefer]@musicmama18 I’m still with my dh. He has his faults but is a good man. He works hard and prefers to stay at home. When I hit 30, I felt quite low as he didn’t want to go out anywhere even on my birthday, and I thought ‘Is this my life?’ I blew up at him and told him he wasn’t going to hold me back anymore.
He doesn’t stand in my way, either metaphorically or financially, I just never thought to do those things without him. Strange, huh?
I used to work in finance then found a part time role in a school so I always have the school holidays off.
I also do some online work with a couple of companies (like the previous poster mentioned)
I’m pretty careful with money too. Always check we have the best deals on phones and utilities, don’t buy alcohol, try to keep food costs low.
I’d rather spend money on a day out than get a take away. It all adds up.[/quote]
Literally the same as my DH... he prefers to be home, not interested in travel or going out much. It’s a hard realisation for me, as I like the idea of doing things together. I can’t continue as I am though, I need major changes in my life. A life I am excited by when I wake up and a life I can model for my son..

I had more sympathy for you at the start of this thread OP but your latest updates are pretty frustrating to be honest and I can see this from your husbands point of view more and more. It sounds like you had no drive or direction even before you had a child two years ago and you talk about career options in terms of requiring them to meet your standards for interesting and inspiring you, rather than understanding that most people have to knuckle down and work hard in something that they don’t love all the time in order to make enough to support themselves and a family. You’re very picky and sorry but a lot of what you’re talking about is basically hobbies, which only very few people are fortunate enough to make into profitable work. If your husband was happy with the current arrangements of him funding everything that would be one thing but he’s clearly not. Staying at home is a luxury that someone has to be happy to pay for and it seems like he isn’t.

You say you’ve been held back by which uni you want to, but without a hint of recognition that you didn’t end up there by chance-you made that choice!! It sounds like your don’t own any of your decisions and frankly you want the very specific and unlikely employment opportunity you’re looking for to just fall into your lap because you don’t want to be bored working in an office.

Possibly that isn’t fair but that’s the strong impression you’re giving. There are a lot of people out there who are bored by office work and would love nothing more than to be paid for playing music and writing poetry but not everyone has someone else paying for everything so they stuck it up and do what they need to in order to contribute. Being a SAHP is valuable of course it is, but you both as a couple have to be happy with the arrangement and at the moment it sounds like neither of you are. Your husband does need to understand the practical implications for him if you go back to work but perhaps he would be ok with that if it meant he wasn’t the only breadwinner and perhaps had some flexibility to pursue something that he also finds more interesting. Ultimately though you don’t sound all that compatible as a couple. I’m like your DH, driven and love a spreadsheet to organise finances. Being honest I wouldn’t be drawn to someone with your attitude to work and finances.

I want to share my passions and show my son what life can be like.. not always dull and following everyone else’s path x

This exemplifies my thoughts perfectly, and it’s actually really irritating to read. You’re coming across as thinking you’re better than the boring fools who run around working in an office, without any acknowledgement that you have the luxury of someone else funding your wafting through life and daydreaming. If you’re giving this vibe to your husband of being too good for ‘everyone else’s path’ while he’s working hard to keep a roof over everyone’s heads and pay the bills... well I cant imagine he’s enjoying that.

@musicmama18 that realisation is hard initially but it will liberate you.
Start by planning afternoons and days out with your ds. They’ll be mostly free apart from travel costs. Go to places that you have a desire to go too and share your passion with your ds.
Then progress to weekends and holidays away later. You may find that your dh decides he doesn’t want to miss out anymore and starts joining you sometimes.
In the meantime, look at any courses that might increase your earning potential. A pgce possibly? Anything to do with admin?

I think there's an awful lot in here to unpick and that you would benefit from counselling or coaching. I see a lot of parallels in my own life - I went to drama school, acting really didn't work out for me, then I met DH who had been on the career track... I luckily fell into a job I enjoyed, then when my son was diagnosed with autism I was lucky enough to be able to spin that into a business.

The thing that really strikes me is you don't have a goal, or a purpose or even an ambition. If you don't know what you're aiming for, how can you move forward? You know what you don't want - the type of job you had before - so what DO you want? When you know the answer to this you will know the steps you need to take, whether that's tackling DH over lack of practical support, challenging his attitude to money or changing a pattern where you seem happy to be buffeted (and maybe protected?) by other people's decisions.

I can sense a lack of commitment to your own life goals. If I was an internet psychologist I'd say that was due to fear of failure. I absolutely get that, having failed at my own first choice of career. But you have to up and take another OP. It's not going to happen for you, you have to make it happen. (I may have been writing this last paragraph about myself, as most internet pyschologists tend to do).

His career also might not have flourished as much as it has if he hadn't had totally flexible childcare at home
They've been together 16 years. The child is 2. I doubt that childcare for 1/8 of their relationship fueled his career.

i resented my ex husband hugely for the same reason.
He was full of how high powered he was when we got together and then did nothing for almost the full length of our marriage while I slogged away at work.
Didn't do any cleaning or the garden either just worked his way through his hobbies and bucket list on my money.
He had the opportunity with me to do a degree so that he could be a graphic designer instead of just an artworker, started numerous courses all of which just lasted a week before he gave up.
I just felt like a maid and a free bank account and it was a relief to get rid of him after 20 years of this.
What I suggest is you start training to do something useful, teacher training, NHS, degree wwhatever by which time your son will be going to school and you can start a career.
I changed career and did a degree whilst working nights to pay the bills at 45 and presumably you are younger than that.
You need a plan now and you need to act because he will leave you if you do nothing.
Resentment is the death of any marriage, it certainly killed mine.

@Rainycloudyday

I had more sympathy for you at the start of this thread OP but your latest updates are pretty frustrating to be honest and I can see this from your husbands point of view more and more. It sounds like you had no drive or direction even before you had a child two years ago and you talk about career options in terms of requiring them to meet your standards for interesting and inspiring you, rather than understanding that most people have to knuckle down and work hard in something that they don’t love all the time in order to make enough to support themselves and a family. You’re very picky and sorry but a lot of what you’re talking about is basically hobbies, which only very few people are fortunate enough to make into profitable work. If your husband was happy with the current arrangements of him funding everything that would be one thing but he’s clearly not. Staying at home is a luxury that someone has to be happy to pay for and it seems like he isn’t.

You say you’ve been held back by which uni you want to, but without a hint of recognition that you didn’t end up there by chance-you made that choice!! It sounds like your don’t own any of your decisions and frankly you want the very specific and unlikely employment opportunity you’re looking for to just fall into your lap because you don’t want to be bored working in an office.

Possibly that isn’t fair but that’s the strong impression you’re giving. There are a lot of people out there who are bored by office work and would love nothing more than to be paid for playing music and writing poetry but not everyone has someone else paying for everything so they stuck it up and do what they need to in order to contribute. Being a SAHP is valuable of course it is, but you both as a couple have to be happy with the arrangement and at the moment it sounds like neither of you are. Your husband does need to understand the practical implications for him if you go back to work but perhaps he would be ok with that if it meant he wasn’t the only breadwinner and perhaps had some flexibility to pursue something that he also finds more interesting. Ultimately though you don’t sound all that compatible as a couple. I’m like your DH, driven and love a spreadsheet to organise finances. Being honest I wouldn’t be drawn to someone with your attitude to work and finances.

Unfortunately, I just didn't have enough self belief/confidence to continue with music (front/lead singer) and am a highly sensitive type in that my day to day environment is important to me.. and my experiences of offices and office work so far is very negative.

Drive and direction comes from knowing exactly what you want and going for it. That's always been my problem. Other than being a vocalist/songwirter/poet I couldn't pin point anything that could work/suit me and build from. Hence i landed in a series of unfulfilling and toxic jobs/environments.

Of course I accept responsibility for my actions, for my decisions and choices I have made that have landed me here.

Chalk and cheese often work out, we met when we were very young and appealed to each other for the opposite reasons.

@Rainycloudyday

I want to share my passions and show my son what life can be like.. not always dull and following everyone else’s path x

This exemplifies my thoughts perfectly, and it’s actually really irritating to read. You’re coming across as thinking you’re better than the boring fools who run around working in an office, without any acknowledgement that you have the luxury of someone else funding your wafting through life and daydreaming. If you’re giving this vibe to your husband of being too good for ‘everyone else’s path’ while he’s working hard to keep a roof over everyone’s heads and pay the bills... well I cant imagine he’s enjoying that.

I didn't refer to anyone working in an office as 'boring fools' and never once have I said i'm better, merely confused and looking for direction, hence 'wafting through life and daydreaming' extremely presumptuous, but i'll take it. I suffer with low self esteem so perhaps you've misunderstood.

I also feel you have gone in quite hard with your messages here, fair enough you have opinions, but not ideal to come across this judgemental. We are all just walking each other home at the end of the day and kindness while we're here, is better than being snipey.

Something about what I have said has clearly got to you, but easing up your tone of language would be appreciated.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

I think there's an awful lot in here to unpick and that you would benefit from counselling or coaching. I see a lot of parallels in my own life - I went to drama school, acting really didn't work out for me, then I met DH who had been on the career track... I luckily fell into a job I enjoyed, then when my son was diagnosed with autism I was lucky enough to be able to spin that into a business.

The thing that really strikes me is you don't have a goal, or a purpose or even an ambition. If you don't know what you're aiming for, how can you move forward? You know what you don't want - the type of job you had before - so what DO you want? When you know the answer to this you will know the steps you need to take, whether that's tackling DH over lack of practical support, challenging his attitude to money or changing a pattern where you seem happy to be buffeted (and maybe protected?) by other people's decisions.

I can sense a lack of commitment to your own life goals. If I was an internet psychologist I'd say that was due to fear of failure. I absolutely get that, having failed at my own first choice of career. But you have to up and take another OP. It's not going to happen for you, you have to make it happen. (I may have been writing this last paragraph about myself, as most internet pyschologists tend to do).

I've been looking into counselling. I had a few sessions with a student counsellor, but I didn't feel I got too much from it. I'm re-looking into it..

Thanks so much for this. You're absolutely right, having a set goal is something I have always struggled with.

Fear of failure has always plagued me, in everything i do, it's debilitating at times and leaves you afraid to make any decisions, so you end up freezing which is what i fell i have done.

Do you still pursue creative/acting hobbies on the side of your current career and family?

Fair enough OP. I can only form an opinion based on the impression you’ve given here, which to me is of someone who is asking for a lot but not showing a lot of signs of having put in the necessary effort. The quote I responded to came straight from you and I struggle to believe you can’t see how that comes across, like you’re too good for ‘everyone else’s path’. I would have a lot more respect for you forging an alternative path to show your son, if you were actually doing it.

In any case I do wish you well and hope you find what you’re looking for. But word of advice, unless you really want to piss people off, perhaps best to consider your language around work and career paths because you really have come across as quite arrogant to me on here.

@madcatladyforever

i resented my ex husband hugely for the same reason. He was full of how high powered he was when we got together and then did nothing for almost the full length of our marriage while I slogged away at work. Didn't do any cleaning or the garden either just worked his way through his hobbies and bucket list on my money. He had the opportunity with me to do a degree so that he could be a graphic designer instead of just an artworker, started numerous courses all of which just lasted a week before he gave up. I just felt like a maid and a free bank account and it was a relief to get rid of him after 20 years of this. What I suggest is you start training to do something useful, teacher training, NHS, degree wwhatever by which time your son will be going to school and you can start a career. I changed career and did a degree whilst working nights to pay the bills at 45 and presumably you are younger than that. You need a plan now and you need to act because he will leave you if you do nothing. Resentment is the death of any marriage, it certainly killed mine.

Sorry to hear about your situation.. like you said resentment can spell the end of a relationship and i know i need to get my act together.

Although our situation sounds quite different.

Training is something i'm looking into at the moment.

@Rainycloudyday

Fair enough OP. I can only form an opinion based on the impression you’ve given here, which to me is of someone who is asking for a lot but not showing a lot of signs of having put in the necessary effort. The quote I responded to came straight from you and I struggle to believe you can’t see how that comes across, like you’re too good for ‘everyone else’s path’. I would have a lot more respect for you forging an alternative path to show your son, if you were actually doing it.

In any case I do wish you well and hope you find what you’re looking for. But word of advice, unless you really want to piss people off, perhaps best to consider your language around work and career paths because you really have come across as quite arrogant to me on here.

I think you've jumped on a sentence I typed quickly without too much thought behind it. 'Everyone else's path', I'm referring to the commonly known "rat race" (that might bother you too?)

I've tried quite a lot of things, with good effort too. You don't know me, so again, your presumptions are not welcome. You don't need to respect me, again, because you don't know me.

Ok OP, well if you don’t want opinions from anyone who doesn’t know all about your life and past, you’re probably in the wrong place. All anyone on here can do is take what you have said and respond to it. You really do seem like hard work. I’ll bow out because clearly my views aren’t offering you what you’re looking for here. Good luck.

You may be chalk and cheese. And that's fu and exciting when young and carefree. But he may be growing fed up of that now.

He very well may be keeping a tight hold on the purse strings because you are not sensible enough.

@musicmama18 not acting no - like music once you've done it at a reasonably high level the thought of standing in a draughty church hall every Tuesday for 9 months to put on an Ayckbourn farce isn't particularly appealing .

But I do work in the creative industries as a copywriter and would say that I am a very creative person. I've written a novel too and am about to start another one. I've always been driven though - before I met DH I was totally on my own with no financial/family support so I've always been someone who has taken control and got on with it. Have had to. I miss some aspects of acting almost every day, but I'll never have to do another audition so... But I think it's very easy to drift when you've had that goal and structure and lifestyle actually taken away from you. You have to get off the track of that believing this is a side hustle to pay your rent while you wait for success. This is your life.

@AskingforaBaskin

You may be chalk and cheese. And that's fu and exciting when young and carefree. But he may be growing fed up of that now.

He very well may be keeping a tight hold on the purse strings because you are not sensible enough.

Pls don't patronise me. i've had some really great, insightful advice on here from most people who have shared their experiences and wisdom from fellow mum's.

So this comment 'He very well may be keeping a tight hold on the purse strings because you are not sensible enough' is demeaning and patronising.

I'm sensible enough thanks v. much.

[quote LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]@musicmama18 not acting no - like music once you've done it at a reasonably high level the thought of standing in a draughty church hall every Tuesday for 9 months to put on an Ayckbourn farce isn't particularly appealing .

But I do work in the creative industries as a copywriter and would say that I am a very creative person. I've written a novel too and am about to start another one. I've always been driven though - before I met DH I was totally on my own with no financial/family support so I've always been someone who has taken control and got on with it. Have had to. I miss some aspects of acting almost every day, but I'll never have to do another audition so... But I think it's very easy to drift when you've had that goal and structure and lifestyle actually taken away from you. You have to get off the track of that believing this is a side hustle to pay your rent while you wait for success. This is your life. [/quote]
haha, I get it..!

'You have to get off the track of that believing this is a side hustle to pay your rent while you wait for success. This is your life.' this is SO true.. Most of my old friends from creative past have drifted and ended up in all different jobs now.

How did you get into copywriting?

It's easier to take charge when you know yourself and what on earth you want i suppose.

Congrats on your novel!! Amazing.

Just get a job, any job.

Work is primarily about providing money to support yourself. It is not about doing something you enjoy. That is a benefit of it if you can focus on that and achieve it, but look at all the people out there in the world, who are working to afford food, housing and living expenses.

Think about it from your dh’s point of view.

So much pressure on one person supporting another adult and a child. Both parents should always work to provide a safety net if one is made redundant or become ill.

At least make enough to cover your own expenses. And then work up from there so you are able to provide for your family as well.

And there are plenty of hours in the day to spend time with your dc and take care of the housework etc. Actually one benefit of all the adults working and children in childcare is there is less mess in the house to clean.