Husband breadwinner and I’m SAHM

[musicmama18]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Since having met my (then) boyfriend now husband he has worked consistently and started out on a good career path managing to build up money and sustain himself very well. He owns our home. We have been together 16 years in total, married for 5!

We got together when we were pretty young and unfortunately, I faded into a supportive role and didn’t focus on myself, I have become totally co-dependent. Very unhealthy I know. We have a 2 year old son who will be at starting nursery in September.

I have worked on and off in administrative jobs in the past, I’m a creative at heart who writes poetry, creates music etc., but haven’t been paid for it. I really feel quite confused and somewhat lost, but optimistic for the future.

There is a certain amount of resentment I feel from my husband towards me as he covers everything and I feel like a leech. Rightly so..

I feel guilty and angry towards myself for not sorting my own life/career out when I was younger. Now we have a boy, this is where all my current energy goes. This and keeping the house a home.

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it.

Any (gentle) advice on how I can navigate my way out of this situation would be so helpful.

Thanks in advance.

DS starting nursery is an obvious milestone and a good time to try and make changes. Do you feel you need to start earning now, or would there be scope to do any qualifications and delay bringing in a wage in order to earn more later?

Also I'm concerned about your husband resenting you. He was presumably aware of your low earning potential when he impregnated you, and based on what you've said there's no guarantee you working would've done anything much to improve household finances after childcare and commuting costs. If he'd wanted a partner who could earn more, that's a reasonable wish in itself but he's responsible for still taking the decision to settle down with someone who didn't fit into that category. You can't resent someone for being what you knew they were. His career also might not have flourished as much as it has if he hadn't had totally flexible childcare at home.

Why does Op automatically have a low earning potential?

I'm concerned your husband resenting you. Was it a joint decision for you to take the caring and housekeeping role ?
Why do you say he owns your home, you are married you both own 50/50.
When little one goes to school get a job, even pt if you can.
Then with any extra time even just an hour a night work on creating something for the future.
I'm a storyteller and my dh is a musician/composer. We worked together until I had to furlough, nowhere to perform etc.
I got my side of the business together instead of watching tv at night, honestly.

What's important to you - good money or doing something you really like? Once you've made that decision you can think about what you'd like to train in. For example, I'm not crazy about my job and would never talk about it at a dinner party but being financially secure and independent is really important to me, so I trained in accounting. On the opposite is my best friend loves caring for people, so she's followed something that she had a passion for, but isn't as financially rewarded. But we are both happy and that's what matters.

Now your boy is at nursery you can join a higher education programme. Later down the line try and get some work experience, even if through friends / family - it's all helpful in getting a job at the end.

Good luck!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing OP isnt it!

Do you qualify for free nursery hours? Do you live in a city?

If yes and yes, I would have a look at part time administrative roles in 'creative' companies. Just to ease you back into work, and hopefully make a few useful contacts along the way.

I would then speak to your husband and say you are happy to contribute towards the bills/mortgage, but that you want to jointly own the house if you do. I would not reccomend paying anything towards a house that you do not own. It is awkward having that chat but I guarantee he will respect you more for it.

Good luck.

@DoIneed1

Why does Op automatically have a low earning potential?

Automatic? It's based on OPs own description of her work history. On and off admin jobs aren't typically well paid, and she states she's not been paid at all for her creative work. Her husband presumably knew all this, and it would've been pretty daft of him not to cotton on that adding a baby to the mix wasn't likely to increase her earning potential either.

This doesn't mean however that improvements couldn't be made, hence the question about whether there's scope to study.

Im in your financial situation exactly. Met my now DH in school and afterwards travelled all over the world with (for) him. Everytime i started something towards my own career, he was moved overseas somewhere again and i never managed to finish a degree or anything. Afterwards we had our kids, they are 4 and 6 now.
Back then it felt right and i loved living in different countries and travelling around, so i wasnt too bothered with my non existent career.
Now we have settled down and after summer both kids will be in school/kindy, so i am looking into some courses. I have no idea what i want to do tbh though.

The difference for me is, that DH is happy with me staying at home. He loves that everything is taken care of and organised. And he works close by, so comes home to eat lunch with us. Its very convenient for us like this. His salary is enough for us to life a good life, but things would definitely be easier with a second income.
DH had a pretty good income when we were travelling before kids, so when we settled down he bought a house outright and put it in my name. We also have a marriage contract to ensure im taken care of if things go south. I insisted on the contract when we got married, the house was hos idea/gift.

You own half the house of you're married, I would've thought?

Hi,

Thanks v. much for your replies. Unfortunately I don’t live in a city and we don’t qualify for free nursery hours. Also, yes the fact we’re married means the house is half mine too. I just don’t really think of it like that, as DH is the one who purchased it.

Feel at a big crossroads in a sense that my next decision feels like a big one.. one to stick at, build upon.

In terms of resentment, husband doesn’t outrightly resent more of just a few things he’s said.. you will need to start contributing to nursery fees, food and bills once DS is in nursery. Fair enough.

My earning potential with my current experience and work history etc., is relatively low. But I am fairly bright and would be willing to study/train in something. But DH is keen for me to earn/contribute once our baby is in nursery at the end of the year..

Wish I had focused on creative stuff and took it far more seriously when I was younger (note to younger self) perhaps I wouldn’t be loaded but at least have a stronger sense of purpose and fulfilment.

Also doing something I really like is very important to me as I’m a HSP type and day to day environment really can effect me..

I’d start job hunting. The next thing that will probably crop up is when you’re working he’ll want you to pick up all the stuff with your son because he’s the high earner and he’ll find an excuse not to help.

Do you eventually want to work for yourself or an employer?
If the first, I would I would take any job that enabled you to work towards your own business, it may be something unrelated.
If the latter, look for pt work in creative industry company.
For me it was important to work for myself, so any old job that didn't include being creative was good and away from screens so I could concentrate at night, wihout too much screen time.

@devlesko I’d love to work for myself, it’s a dream actually! Just not too sure where to start or in what specifically.. I’d love to know how you started yourself? I’m a hard worker so would happily work at night too while DS in bed etc.,

Eek, sad but very true!

musicmama

I think we've spoken before on the music threads, I'll pm you.
But, just for others to read too.
Obviously it can't be helped but your whole business can be taken away in a flash, and there's nothing you can do.
The Sunday evening before lockdown was announced we were on a leg of a tour, in Devon. Before we got home in the NW we had no work for at least a year. The notification had to be turned off, one after the other, after the other.
My business has gone and I'm not sure when it will return. I would say lesson learned, but it's not like we had all our eggs in one basket, we covered so many different situations, but all our venues closed.
We are surviving on dh income from private tuition online.
Anyone want any woodwind lessons from a specialist? Leader in his field?
Then you think all those years, not just study but the practice since. They practice everyday even in their 50's and 60's.

But normally it's great working for yourself

I don't think it's healthy for you to think the house isn't yours bc "he bought it". You're married with a kid, you're a family, the house belongs to both of you. I assume you're doing the majority of childcare and housework? That's a big job. You also sacrificed ( it sounds) your career to improve his.

Also the idea that men are working soo hard at the office is bullshit. He's getting the higher status in society, time with adults, lunches out I'm sure. it's not that hard to do office work, being at home is a lot more shit work and ppl look down at you.

I think he should really support you going back to school (if you wan). If there is a specific course you want to do I think that would make the most sense in the long run.

It's also weird to me that he is saying you need to contribute money right away for nursery etc. Does he keep all the money and give you an allowance? Do you have a joint account? He sounds like he thinks if it has "his money".

Personally I think you should make a career plan because your husband sounds like an asshole and you need to be financially independent for your own sake.

A leech? That’s awful. I feel for you.

Hmm, I think your husband needs a bit of a reality check. We’re very likely going into a recession, he needs to be realistic about how easily you will pick up a job. He needs to be supportive while you go through the process. I will say though having been in a similar position until last year it’s a great confidence boost when you do get back in the work place.

Start job hunting... your job has been Sahm which is a tough but great job (I did it for a bit too) if you haven't got something you've always wanted to do as a job eg nurse/teacher/baker then look for something you can do..
If u have admin experience local authorities/nhs can be good flexible employers... it's much easier to get work once you have work...
If your creative skills are not enough for income yet trend try and do both..
Most people have to do a job to support that side of their life at least for a while... one step at a time..

Husband also doesn’t like his job so isn’t best happy day to day with it
This is the problem. Many men work and love it. They are happy for their wives to be at home and deal with the tasks they don't care much for.

The problem comes when the man doesn't like his job and start to wish more than anything they didn't have to but know they gave no choice but to do so. The pressure and sense of feeling totally trapped in their unhappiness because they have no choice but to continue is over powering.

This is all made worse when they come home to a relaxed happy wife who seem to have so little stress and pressure in her life and just enjoys each day with no worry about bringing the money in to continue to enjoy the lifestyle. This does build into resentment and can become all overpowering.

Why has your child been signed up to nursery when you are not working? Maybe if it just to give you a break, I can see how his resentment could be brewing.

You need to have a serious talk and maybe you need to accept taking any job, whether you like it or not, so that there is a better balance between the two of you.

Yes, I do 90% of childcare and 70% housework.

I agree being a SAHM does mean you are looked down upon, I've experienced that a few times with other mums/women I've met at play groups etc., who were soon to be returning to work..

I do get a monthly allowance to my own account, we do have a joint credit account but i don't have the card for that.. we collectively made the decision that a monthly allowance to my account works best - out of that I cover food for the house and anything for DS.

DH does see the money as 'his money' always has, to be fair he's earned it and always been well paid.. his mother doesn't help either as she hammers it home how well he has done and how he takes good care of me etc.,

We don't have a lavish lifestyle at all, far from it. we go on one holiday a year to europe (usually same place) and have a nice home.

I am well aware i do need to be financially independent and really want this for myself, just need to figure a few things out about my next moves.

I've moved to a village so friends are few and far between too.. hence why i'm on here looking for words of wisdom/advice..

@dontdisturbmenow
I do totally agree with what you've sent about resentment building due to DH dislike of his line of work..

I don't like the idea he feels trapped and unhappy, but they might well be the harsh truth...
I wouldn't say I am a relaxed happy wife when he comes home, or any of the time to be honest.. there's a lot to do constantly and i look like i could do with the hairdressers (lol)

Just to reiterate, i don't live a lavish lifestyle. have a nice home and drive a decent car, food on the table and bills paid. I am very grateful for this.

Our DS has been signed up to nursery with a potential start date at the end of the year for me to begin to look for work, have a few weeks to get myself together (DS has a very demanding temperament day in day out) husband leaves that to me.

I would be happy to accept any job to bring in an income, but we are not strapped for cash.

I don't have any help with childcare, no family to help (my mum is ill ongoing, my sister has her own family, my old friends I barely see)

Obviously coronavirus has made things feel heavy, as DH is WFH in the study pretty much all day, and I don't have many places to go other than the park..

I could do with a new friends circle TBH, to share stuff like this and get advice...

Thanks so much to everyone so far.. lots of food for thought.

I think you need to talk to him about 50/50 childcare and housework when you do start looking for work.
He needs to realise it's just as much your money as his. My dh was sole earner for many years, yet never once did he consider it his money, because we are a family.
The sooner you get working the better, he sounds like he needs a reality check of everything you do.
Let things go for a while whilst you job hunt and get your cv up to date.
When he notices tell him what you have been doing and start the chat about the future when you are working how he'll need to do his share, see his face drop Also, he needs to do more with his son, he'll never cope whilst you are working, otherwise.

I just realised, I was being too kind! I do 95% childcare (he changes the odd nappy and makes his dinner once-twice a week) and i do 85% housework/cooking/cleaning/washing etc.,

It's difficult, as he sees his money as his and I feel the same too.. Maybe i've been with him so long and haven't questioned that..

He definitely controls the purse strings and spends money where he sees fit.. For me, a nice holiday abroad to try relax and rest as a family is important, but he never seems too fussed. We haven't been away for 3 years..

Like the more I ask/mention to go away, the less he actually wants to. he makes excuses, too far with son, coronavirus (understand) and other crap..

I sometimes feel like I'm the one who is trapped tbh..

His money is NOT his if you're doing 95% of the childcare. If you were working, you'd have to get childcare for DC and that would be a joint expense.

However, as others have said, with DS starting nursery it's a good idea to start job hunting. My advice is to involve him in that process (tell him about the jobs you're applying for etc) so that he starts to gain a feel for how hard it is to find a child friendly job. So for example, if you come across a role that sounds good but is full time, don't discount it, talk to him about how BOTH of you would sort out childcare if you applied for the job. If he's expecting you to contribute financially, he needs to understand that he's had it easy so far in terms of never having to worry about childcare etc.

Also, just to add, I know retraining has been mentioned but that costs money (diploma etc.,) and I don't think that would go down too well... thoughts?

You have to have it very clear in your mind as to what is fair for you both.

Common options I see here.

Bills spilt 50:50. The remainder of people's salaries are their own to spend as they see fit.

Bills paid proportionally according to earnings, e.g. 30:70. Remainder of money belongs to the individual and spent as they see fit.

All money pooled, bills paid, remainder of money split 50:50.

All money pooled, bills paid, each partner allotted fixed amount for discretionary spending each month.

All money pooled, bills paid, discretionary spending discussed between partners if it's above a certain amount.

Childcare is a bill the same as any other.