Can't afford to feed my husband

[Prusik]

Gah, the title sounds pathetic! Please don't rip me to pieces for the fact that he should be feeding himself but it's the simplest summary I can give.

DH is 6ft7 and skinny. He eats a lot to maintain his weight. He's both milk and egg free (milk is allergy, egg is intolerance as his gut tends to get inflamed). He also tries to avoid sugar as he was finding he was getting major energy slumps during the day and reaching for sweets.

Ok, so here goes. I did the food shop last night and it was £100. Haven't bought any luxury items apart from I bought four cartons of supermarket brand apple juice and haven't yet bought meat for the week.

Try to fill him up on protein, ie nuts, chicken wraps, etc as empty carbs just don't seem to cut it. I rely on cheap meat where I can, we eat a lot of mince. And I bulk things out with cheap veg and potatoes. We cook chilli with beans, pulses, etc and I make my own humous as that's a good fix and so much cheaper than the supermarkets.

I'm just at my wit's end. For various reasons we're now at the arse end of poor. We're going down to one vehicle and are really struggling. We don't buy coffees out, don't go anywhere which costs parking... everything we do is free. But I'm still struggling to afford to feed DH. I do buy fruit in for the baby and am starting to cut corners with what I eat just so DH and Ds can be fed. I'm not going without but will just have jam on toast for lunch rather than anything better as I don't want to use food up. This is far from ideal as I'm 28 weeks pregnant change in circumstances happened after I conceived

We get tax credits and child benefit.

Any tips for feeding a very hungry person on the cheap?? He's not greedy, he genuinely needs the food. ds is beginning to look like he will be the same

He said it's my responsibility tomake.sureI'm eating adequately

Then I would be saying the same to him. He can sort his own fucking lunches out and worrying about what he can and cant eat.

Twat.

Red Lentil curry. Anything with chick peas

The thing is, it is your responsibility to make sure you eat properly. And I can't stand martyrism. But did he acknowledge that it's his food preferences sending your food bills so high and leaving you short?

Make up some meal plans for yourself before you shop, and prioritize your needs. Don't worry about your DH, I bet he won't allow himself to go hungry!

So you spend time every day planning and buying and cooking for him... and he says that it's your responsibility to make sure you're eating adequately?
That would be unacceptable at any time, but when you're pregnant?

Fucking hell he's a keeper.

Well to me that would be the green light for buying myself fillet steak for lunch whilst feeding him chickpeas and baked beans for dinner!

It is your responsibility to feed yourself. It is his responsibility to ensure that he has checked out any potential medical issues so that he can safely and as easily as possible feed himself.

I think it's a lack of fully coming to terms with a change in circumstances.

Also you both need to take responsibility for eating you can't sacrifice yourself and he has to face up to the fact that he has to make changes

It’s all sounding more and more like he’s one big, self absorbed namby pamby fussy baby!

And he has got a bettering because of how he is presented, a fast metabolism does not mean he can't metaphorically tighten his belt and adapt his eating hanits

And he’s still eating the fucking nuts.

Sorry OP but the more you post about him, he does not sound lovely, he sounds like a twat.

I'm really disappointed that all he seems to have picked out of your conversation (unless you're not sharing it all) is that it's your responsibility to eat well. I mean, he's not wrong, but it seems a bit unfair to pick on that when it's because of him you're doing it!

We went through some really lean times and I spent a lot of time making cheap and filling foods. A tin of mixed beans and tin of tomatoes, cooked down with an onion makes a cheap and filling chilli. Chickpeas minced in a food processor make a good mince meat substitute. Add in minced mushrooms and grated carrot to bulk out. Cheese for flavour, lots of jacket spuds and dumplings are all good, calorific meals. Buy the cheapest joints you can and slow cook into a stew. Potato dauphinoise while sounding fancy, can actually be really cheap - sliced spuds, onions and cream, baked. It's really filling and good for toddlers too.

Personally I cut right back on the meat and bought the cheapest chicken and mince. Sometimes you have to forget your meat standard principles to get everyone fed.

I disagree that it is Op's "responsibility to make sure she's eating adequately" (what he reportedly said) when the reason she's been skimping is because her husband claims the good quality (very expensive) calories and they don't have the money for any more food.

And he's short sighted for thinking the solution to his health problems is a special diet that his family can't afford. He should be in the GP for tests - I say that with some authority, having lost my first husband to cancer that could have been diagnosed earlier, and perhaps treated more effectively, if not for the strange male aversion to GPs.

OP, look after yourself and your unborn baby, love. Gibe your husband the lunch budget that is genuinely affordable and leave him to plan them himself. You spend your own on good quality nosh.l; it's good for the baby, and helps with lowering stress levels. No more jam on toast as a meal, eh?

OP, do you have a slow cooker? This is my dd's favourite ham and vegetable soup - cheap as chips and so easy. You can vary what you put in. I keep my pulses separately, but you could just buy a bag of dry soup mix from any supermarket (£1.15 for 500g in Tesco). You could buy separate gammon steaks or a joint and cut it into steaks and freeze

Chop onion, carrot, celery, potato
Soak red lentils, barley, green and yellow split peas for a few hours, then drain and rinse.

Put the whole lot into a slow cooker with a knob of butter and lots of black pepper. Place a gammon steak on top, then fill with water until everything is just covered.

Cook on low - I normally bung it on overnight. I then take the steak and about 1/3 of the veg/pulses out. Shred the gammon, and blitz what's left in the pot. Add more of the pulses if you want the soup thicker, then add the gammon and veg/pulses back to the soup.

We normally have this with cheese on toast.

Ah bloody hell. It was a long conversation and I'm not going to write all of the ins and outs. No drip feed, I just gave relevant details.

MN loves an idiot of a husband and mine isn't one of them. He's said he's going to make sure he makes a big chilli/curry over the weekend and is always more than happy to batch cook.

It's only very recently that I've taken over the food shopping and cooking. He's previously done it all but these days I prefer that we eat a meal with Ds so it means dinner needs to be on the table as soon as dh gets home from work. I naturally have more time to think about meals these days as dh will come home, eat, bath Ds, play with him, put him to bed, tidy the kitchen most of which I've left to accumulate throughout the day, wash the bottles and by that time I'd rather he came and spent some time with me instead of start thinking about lunches. Weekends he cooks, looks after Ds, does bits around the house during nap time.

It's all beginning to look a bit more doable and dh is bang on with calling me out on my diet. It's not his responsibility. A prime example, Ds spilled water over his sandwich today so I gave him mine. Did I make myself another? No. Did we have the stuff in to make another? Yes. That's 100% my responsibility and perhaps I'm not looking after myself properly. Pregnancy is going ok though. I had a growth scan last week and this one looks to be about 7lb6 ISH at a prediction which is better than Ds was

I really am listening to everyone's suggestions and will look over the recipes in more detail and give them a go. Thank you, you've all given me hope and inspiration

Turkeys are very cheap over here, US, especially this time of year. Right now they can be purchased for about 59¢ a pound, so an 18 pound turkey would run about 8£. Besides an awesome roasted turkey meal, you can grind the cooked meat with bread crumbs and a binder, and onions, etc, to make croquettes to serve with gravy. Make turkey tetrazzini, with a cream type sauce and noodles. Serve slices on toast or rolls for sandwiches, or roll with bacon and tomatoes in wraps or tortillas. When you've gotten enough meat off of it for meals and family, boil the carcass, pick the last of the meat off and make a nice soup of the broth and leftovers, with vegetables and noodles or barley, or rice.

Canned (tinned) salmon is cheap, and makes awesome salmon patties. You can do the same with tuna. Just mix in a bowl with onions, crumbs, binders and fry in a pan with oil until crispy and brown.

Chickens are cheapest whole. Roast the whole bird for the family meal, use the leftovers in casseroles. Or, stew in a crockpot with onion, parsley and celery, add homemade dumplings to the boned meat and broth.

People pointing out peanut butter are the smartest! And, you can add crunchy things like cereals, sweeten with honey, roll in coconut or anything you have around and make snack balls for him to eat, cheaper than whole nuts and stretches with fillers.

I’m furious that he’s wanting )15 on nuts and you’re starving on bread and jam.

WTAF?!

Just had a thought - if you're all happy with the evening meals, why not cook more of those so you have extra portions and he can have it reheated at work? Either just plain old microwave it, or if that's not possible (ie he's on the road or works outdoors), then stuff like soup can be kept warm in those big thermos things. And that'll help him use less energy in heating himself up over winter too.

He has been quite crap to you in this conversation, though - I appreciated that this is one aspect of your marriage and I'm not saying he deserves a total slating but he's not taking this seriously and he needs to not blame you for not eating properly. It seems like your food is the only part you feel you can control is your food - and that's because he's grabbing all the good stuff for himself instead of cutting back on his wants and letting you have the nutritious stuff.

There's a happy medium here where you both have better diets - his more calorie rich and yours more nutrient rich - but he needs to give more here, not you.

Ooh, also, stews. Butchers are a great source of inspiration on this - if you have a decent local one go in and throw yourself on their mercy when it's quiet, ask for some ideas for max protein and taste and minimal money. Unpopular cuts that take a long cooking time can be stewed for a good while to make some really tender one-pot type stuff.

I do feel like he's met me half way to an extent. He sees the need to cut back and is happy to do so. He's right that I then also need to take action and buy food for myself as well as him since I'm the one doing the shopping. It's no good me buying different stuff for him and then nothing for myself. If we ever have leftovers he'll always make sure there's enough for me first before taking some for himself.

I'm aware that there are more historical family issues at play here and that our food issue massively taps in to elements of my childhood. Sacrificing myself for the sake of others is very much a learned behaviour, one which I'm beginning to recognise and tackle. I do feel fortunate that dh is self aware enough to recognise what's going on here. I'm only just beginning to realise this after the conversation we had but it's too hard to explain on a thread where none of you know me or dh

Our chat was very interesting. He said it's my responsibility to make.sure I'm eating adequately
So he didn't feel bad that he's been eating expensive nuts while you've been skimping on yourself? Hmm. I think you should stop feeling bad about what you feed him then. I know you've defended it but from what you've said already, this is a much more 'everyone looks after themselves' response than it ought to have been.

I would stop buying crisps altogether. You said you dislike 'empty carbs' - it's not a phrase I like but if it describes anything, it describes crisps. Plus ditch the expensive mini cereals. If you want to jazz cereal up a bit, buy a bag of raisins and some honey and slap that on an own brand version instead. Will probably be as sugary (and tasty) then as the mini versions, but a lot cheaper.

The crisps and cereal was pretty much the only thing in the food shop that we're just for me, all mine

Oh I forgot, Curry, make it how you usually do, either fry your spices or use a paste. Add small chunks of sweet potato, carrots, chickpea or lentils and cauliflower florets. Serve with a big heap of rice, cheap and filling
The trick is buying veggies that are in season, and skipping meat.
Also check out vegetarian meat free meat ball, recipe on line, serve with pasta and tomato sauce.

I honestly mean this kindly... Right now you're under a great deal of financial and physical strain. So it's not surprising that your personal history (in this case, of self-sacrifice) has reared up. It's what happens to a lot of us in times of stress; we take control in the ways that we know, even when they're not healthy for us, rather than risk losing control of everything.

And likewise, during those stressful time we are not as well equipped to conquer the issue. It's great that you're aware of what you're doing. But it's really important to reach out to someone who will then keep an eye on you and help you to help yourself. Perhaps partly by keeping a food diary and weighing yourself regularly?

Maybe, because he's going through some of the same stress (though not the physical stress of pregnancy) your husband is not the person best placed to give you that support. Do you have someone else to talk to about it?

May I gently suggest too that your worry about your husband's diet might be part of this same cycle of dealing with the stress by controlling what you can?
It sounds like you have healthy, nutritious and fairly cheap family meals. Lunches are the issue: you need to eat more, and he needs to eat more cheaply. Focus on what you need - he can figure his lunches out himself.

Hope things turn round for you financially soon

I didn't mean that as a go at you, OP. You need stuff for yourself, but it also ought to be better stuff than that - you deserve better! Get stuff that will fill you up more too. What do you like, what's your favourite dinner?