Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

Op I'm shocked by your post yesterday and surprised that no-one else had picked up on it - unless I've missed it.

youarenotkiddingme I don't think he was aware of his saving powers. It wasn't until I realised things were serious that I told him about my past. I wanted to give him an out of he wanted to. He chose to stay and that part of me is being dealt with separately. He doesn't even like to talk about it or like me mentioning it. The only thing he has ever said is that our child/ren never find out about it.

Does he make you feel ashamed that you were assaulted? Why doesn't he like you mentioning it? Surely if you need to talk about it that is better than bottling it up inside.

This is just as - if not more - damaging than the financial abuse.

@walkinganhouraday I think it's more a case of he doesn't like what happened to his wife and it upsets him. He doesn't want our son knowing what happened because it'll upset him.

But what about how it makes you feel?

@Zestisbest how what makes me feel? I'd be upset if I found out that something bad happened to one of my parents.

The fact he doesn't want to talk about it is because he doesn't know how to deal with it. Even with my psychiatrist I don't discuss the sexual assault.

I just meant that you spoke about it in terms of how it upset your DH and that it would upset your DS (naturally), I just wondered if you wanted to be able to talk to him but didn't feel able to because of his reaction. for you OP.

I know it's just a minor point, but I'm wondering why you are spending £70 a month on food for 2 adults and a toddler and £130 a month on two phones ?

I am guessing it's because as she posted previously, she's got really good at managing the food side of things, but Vodafone probably won't accept some home-grown carrots as payment and most people need a phone these days.

@C0RAL it's because we are with o2 and have an iPhone 7. You pay your £35 contract and then you pay for your handset on top of that for the first year as an extra payment. If I'd have realised that I'd have said no. He went ahead and did it anyway after we got back from our honeymoon/holiday last year. I was always with EE before where I paid £35 (inc insurance) a month and that was it even if I had a brand new phone! He likes to get the ones with extra storage, extra data etc. I never go near the limit because I use the wifi at home to go online.

But no they don't accept home made 😂

I actually spoke to him last night and said I want all his clothes for holiday ready by 4pm on Tuesday (when I usually get home from school) so I can pack and be ready by the time the people viewing the house at 6pm come. He said his usual "we'll see" and I took heart from the conversation and said "no xxxx you'll have them ready. I'm not a child you can fob off with a flippant reply. I want them ready or you don't come with us." He then said sorry and promised they would all be ready as soon as he got back in the morning.

Seems maybe I need to just have a firm hand! Maybe that's what he needs. After a lifetime of getting his own way and having things done like he likes... he's crying out for discipline! As someone who bosses people about professionally (sometimes to do things they don't want like poetry) I can temporarily employ my teacher voice for things!

Btw I'm doing all the packing because that way I know we have everything and that way I make sure DS has his "needed" things like fox blanket and sun hat in his trunkee rather than everything just be stuffed in anywhere it fits! Also I love packing for holiday!

It concerns me how much you are making light of this.

Sorry, he is mean to the point of financial abuse. I think it would work better if he paid bills and childcare, and you paid for food shopping and clothes etc. Only way to deal with somebody that tight.

Sorry, he is mean to the point of financial abuse. I think it would work better if he paid bills and childcare, and you paid for food shopping and clothes etc. Only way to deal with somebody that tight.

Just say no. Pay into the account 50% of your wages. Take out of the account everything that your ds needs. When he kicks off just refuse to discuss it beyond 'we will see'.

Does he have other debt you don't know about? I would be tempted to sit down and do credit checks on both of you with him present before you move to this new house.

Your relationship sounds massively abusive to me. You grow your own food, you scrimp and save to feed all of you on £70 a month, you do all the shitwork and don't have a penny to your name. You have had to negotiate going to work and he throws the fact you didn't work while your ds was tiny back in your face. And he won't allow you to discuss a horrific attack on you because he can't cope with it.

Have you looked at how much better financially it would be if you left him? You would get tax credits and maintance. Plus your wages.

He doesn't sound like a feckless man child OP. He sounds an abusive cunt. Am sorry to be so blunt when you have tried to paint him in a positive light but he honestly does.

@Frouby financially I would struggle if I left. I'd need the money for a deposit and rent to start with and that's going to take a while to save up. Rent round here is about £500 a month for somewhere small unless I get somewhere in a bad area and then it's slightly less. I'd be worried about my son in a bad area though. Even if I worked full time my childcare goes up to £195!a week because I'd have to use nursery. That wouldn't be till next year though because my job is actually only .5 contract.

I'm not wanting to just give up and leave at the first sign of trouble. It's important to me that I at least make an effort.

But you are struggling financially now lovely. Can't you see that?

I know no one wants to give up on a relationship but yours is so unequal. It's almost like reading from a 1950s novel where the housewife tips her pin money up for the husband to manage because she is unable to do so. And then the emotional abuse on top. 'I paid for everything while you were off'. 'If you chose to go back to work and leave MY ds in nursery you pay for the privilege'. 'We'll see'. 'I don't want to discuss this'.

Read your posts back in a few days. And for comparison I managed to rent a property and support me and dd as a single parent paying similar rent and childcare while working part time in a nmw job without maintance. It was tough. But I had more money left over each month to buy food for the 2 of us than £70.

Does he have some kind of expensive secret vice? He brings in a fairly decent wage and your outgoings seem low (apart from the phones!!) so why is he in debt?
And you said he took over the car insurance and phone bills but they didn't get paid so you had to do it? How come they didn't get paid?

And what's all this about a discount t on your council tax for being a teacher/working in a council school? I've been a teacher for over 30 years and have never heard of this.

Our council and nursery offer discount to teachers as long as they live and work in the same lea. It means I get 10% discount and the payments are taken straight from my salary before tax so I effectively pay less tax.

The money is spent on weekends like this one where he's away. It goes on a football season ticket, golf games, new shoes, new clothes, drinks out on a weekend etc. I have no interest in those things or no need for them. I have nice shoes and nice clothes that all fit perfectly. I have hobbies like baking, reading and making things.

This is a really horrible relationship. His attitude to money is abusive. He wants his cake and eat it (wants you to stay at home but doesn't want to step up as main earner and use his income to properly fund the household). His "we'll sees" show he has no respect for you and is treating you like a child.

I think your awful past experiences mean that you are so grateful to him for "rescuing" you that you are putting up with things you otherwise wouldn't have tolerated.

I asked why I had to pay and he said it was because they tried to take the payment but there was no money in his account. He said it was just a tight couple of months and we didn't have any money less. It's because he spent £600 on a weekend away!

The problem is that he's a child himself. His maturity level is stuck in the "I want I get" stage of development and that's because he's always been mollycoddled and treated that way. I'm not of that attitude and arguments often stem from me nagging him because he hasn't turned the lights off or flushed the toilet. I mother him though and that's part of the problem. Most of the time it's simply because it's easier to just get on and do something myself than enter into a step by step instruction process of how I want him to do it. This is a lot my doing. I have let him get away with things.

The money is spent on weekends like this one where he's away. It goes on a football season ticket, golf games, new shoes, new clothes, drinks out on a weekend etc.

This is completely indefensible - he's spaffing money on booze, shopping and hobbies whilst you are scrimping and saving to feed the family on £70 a month!

It doesn't matter that you like being frugal. It doesn't matter that your hobbies don't involve spending a lot of money. Your marriage is horrendously unbalanced and your husband is a deeply selfish man.

You talk about 'training' him as if he just needs a bit of direction - but what does it say about his personality that he sees absolutely no issue with him spending £600 on a weekend away and then telling you in the next breath that you need to use your - tiny - wages to cover bills because he can't afford it?

Being perfectly blunt, are you sure that you met and married him because you thought he was 'the one'? Or was it because he seemed reasonably kind and decent to you at a point in your life when your radar was massively skewed due to horrible assault that you'd been through?

'm not wanting to just give up and leave at the first sign of trouble. It's important to me that I at least make an effort

In that case you need to stop mothering him. It's time for him to grow up.

We were in love and I really liked him. He wasn't like this then he was really generous and thoughtful. I got pregnant quite quick though and so we sort of ended up married 😆 it's only been the last few months though he's been stressed about money. I think it's because Barclays reduced his credit limit and he realised he was going to have to start paying for stuff. I told his mum though because he wouldn't talk to me about it and she said she would have a word. He said it was fine though and she left it at that.

OK. If this is a more recent thing, then I think you need to sit him down and put a serious ultimatum on the table. But - and this is absolutely critical - you need to MEAN what you say and if he doesn't agree then you need to be prepared to walk away.

1. The financial bullshit stops immediately. Both wages are split proportionately with all of the bills and outgoings - including holidays and childcare - taken into account and paid from the joint account. You retain the remainder of your wages in your own separate accounts for spending on what you want (or in your case, savings).

1. The passive aggressive bullshit about you working needs to stop. This isn't the 1950s and if you want to work, he should be supporting that. This is critical if he wants to move house and if he also wants more children in the future - work and childcare costs are a fact of life.

1. The fobbing off and refusing to discuss things and use of 'we'll see' needs to stop. This is a partnership and you are both equals who will discuss things like adults.

1. He needs to pull his weight in the house. He uses things, creates laundry, eats, sleeps and uses the bathroom - creating mess just like you do. Therefore it's only fair that he takes a share of the household responsibilities. The fact that you have a vagina does not mean that this is your exclusive domain.

1. All of the above is non-negotiable. If he isn't prepared to wholeheartedly step up and start acting like a decent husband and father, then he needs to bugger off.

DO NOT GET A MORTGAGE TOGETHER UNLESS YOU KNOW HIS WHOLE FINANCIAL STATE.

Don't sleepwalk further into an unbalanced precarious life of scrimping, subsidising and pandering to an immature selfish arse.

Please. You sound switched on and sensible. You see this isn't right. So stop dead here and say no more.

Your DS will get more expensive and need more. If your DH continues to act like a selfish man-child with controlling abusive tendencies then it will be a bad future for you both.