Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

pasta you say you are not frightened of him, well you should be, he is a controlling bully and a financial abuser.

You say you are hoping he will change; he won't.
Why should he change when you are doing what you are told, and while you are working hard to maintain his life style.

I'm not really maintaining his lifestyle right now. Financially o wouldn't be able to leave because £13k a year is not going to get me anywhere to live. I do need him because I have no other home for myself and DS. What I do have though is bargaining power because without me we can't move and can't get out of debt.

We contribute to the joint account (where all bills are paid from) pro rata to our take home pay. So I pay 70% and my husband 30%. Works for us.

Just read full thread. He's financially abusive. Don't be scared to leave. You would be entitled to benefits and he would be obliged to pay maintenance. He sounds like a dick.

This sounds like a terrible situation to be in Op. stand firm and get things done fairly - ie your joint child has childcare paid by joint account.

This has really infuriated me pasta!! I earn £45k a year more than my husband. I also had triple the assets coming into our marriage. However we have one joint account that both sets of wages go into and all bills and costs go out of. That's it, no other accounts at all. Why? Because regardless of salary we are 100% equal and there is no mine and his.

@Iamchanging that's what I want! I thought it would be a simple choice and make things easy!

It would pasta. He's being a dick

If you're going to be strictly equal, he should be paying for half of the childcare, half of the housekeeping, and half of your time doing childcare...

It's really not fair at all and his attitude stinks -- it's as if he doesn't value the contribution you are making to raising your children! Agree with others who say it's financially abusive. At best, it's financially illiterate and unkind.

PS you sound awesome and very practical. I'm sure you would be able to make a go of things (and see an improvement on your current life) if you left this man. Remember that you would be entitled to child maintenance, and potentially also spousal maintenance -- see a lawyer. Also there are working tax credits and child tax credits, which can help to support you in those difficult pre-school years.

He's a twat and you'd be better off without him.

If you were going to pay for everything 50/50 why would you say you will pay the childminder?

OP, the longer this goes on the more resentful you are going to become. If you want to save your marriage and keep your family together, keeping quiet is the worst option. Sort out the issues now so that they don't explode out of you in ten years.

If worst comes to the worst you'll probably be far better off financially without him.

Have you read the comic that's been going around about all the extra work women take on - the mental load? www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

If you're going to be strictly equal, he should be paying for half of the childcare, half of the housekeeping, and half of your time doing childcare...

Exactly this! He has some very convenient blind spots where his child is concerned.

You sound to me as if you are fundamentally mismatched in attitudes to money - and thus life.

You want savings, you want to spend frugally, you look for the best deals, you don't spend frivolously, you are willing to compromise.

He is a spendthrift, who spends all he has, on nice-to-haves like Sky Sports, alcohol and magazine subscriptions while paying only £50 A MONTH TOWARDS FOOD FOR HIS WIFE AND CHILD.

You have big problems.

I would seriously consider leaving. You can work more and get help with tax credits etc. He will need to pay maintenance. You're not scared of living frugally. You'd probably end up better off than if you stayed with him.

Your future is him resenting you for controlling his spending, and you appeasing him by doing all the hard work to budget and scrimp and save and go without yourself so that he doesn't sulk like a baby.

As your DC grows up, and gets more expensive - shoes, football kit, activities, entertainment (teenagers are very expensive) - then you will find it hard not to affect his quality of life.

Think very very carefully.

He is a spendthrift, who spends all he has, on nice-to-haves like Sky Sports, alcohol and magazine subscriptions while paying only £50 A MONTH TOWARDS FOOD FOR HIS WIFE AND CHILD.

Investment in a wedding results in amazing savings for some men! A nanny, housekeeper and maid, and cook all for the bargain price of £50 a month...

He's tight, controlling and he has short legs.
Does he have any redeeming features?

I have short legs too. We've screwed our DS in terms of a basketball career!

He's funny, has a gorgeous family, is a brilliant dad who loves his son, he's relatively good looking; he's just been brought up that as a man (and only son) he's the one who calls the money shots and girls make the sacrifices for childcare. I was brought up that you save money where you can do you can afford the treats and nice holidays when the time is right.

I've made this problem myself by making it easy for him. I leapt into parenthood with both feet and did well. I saved us money on nappies, milk, food. I have clothes that I'm happy to wear so don't buy new ones unless it's for a special occasion like a wedding or I've got vouchers for birthday/Christmas.

I gave him the freedom to keep going out because I genuinely didn't want to leave my gorgeous baby.

I've made it too easy and now I need to lay down some boundaries. It's going to be hard but if he agrees it'll actually work out better for him. If he refuses I'll have no choice but to leave and he'll soon see how hard it is alone!

he's just been brought up that as a man (and only son) he's the one who calls the money shots and girls make the sacrifices for childcare

Don't make excuses for him!

You said earlier his parents would read him the riot act - so they know his behaviour is shitty too.

And it's not about "sacrifices for childcare" i.e. giving up your career to focus on the babies. It's about whether or not he thinks it's OK fundamentally to

He's 37. He's a few years younger than me and my husband. I don't know ANYONE with this attitude, male or female. It's nothing about SAHM vs At Work Dad and traditional childrearing roles - in that scenario, the man used to hand over all his wages to his wife usually, and let her run the household budget.

It's that he's a selfish arse who wants his own way despite what that does to others - his mother, his wife, his child.

Don't make excuses for him.

He may well be redeemable, but you will do yourself no favours by pretending his financial selfish fuckwittery is due to a traditional upbringing.

Didn't finish my thought! I am very cross on your behalf, OP!

And it's not about "sacrifices for childcare" i.e. giving up your career to focus on the babies. It's about whether or not he thinks it's OK fundamentally to

.... have his wife pay for childcare when she works, for a child that is 50% his responsibility. Whether it's fundamentally OK to proved only £50 per month (less than £15 per week) towards feeding his wife and child. Whilst still spending on luxuries that benefit only him e.g. Sky Sports which I expect costs almost the same amount.

The "brilliant dad who loves his son" line is hard to swallow in context of his refusal to pay towards his care and upbringing.

I am embarrassed to be male. I am the sole earner, and DW looks after all finances.

All this shared pots that other posters do would frustrate the shit out of me - although I see why people do it.

As it happens, I don't have any accounts that are 'just' mine - and sometimes I wish I did (christmas etc).

But, on the whole we work together as a team with similar views to money.

He says "we'll see"? That sounds like a parent telling a toddler they might get a treat later. That is not how one adult speaks to another. You shouldn't be asking for permission or conversation and hearing that. What a douche.

Well he's away now till Tuesday night so I'm just having a calm few days. I even have a friend round tomorrow for gossip and mocktails.

I'm tempted to bring the subject up on the way home from Greece so he's a captive audience.

"he's just been brought up that as a man (and only son) he's the one who calls the money shots and girls make the sacrifices for childcare"

Sure, and if he was actually supporting you financially, I'd understand that set up! (including childcare, household expenses, and paying in to a pension for you, to make up for what you're missing out by taking time out to care for the family).

But as it is, he's just paying his own way, while you make all the financial and practical sacrifices to care for your children!

Seriously, you'd be better off on your own. At least then you'd have control of your spending and decisions. It sounds as if he's terrible with money and logic.