Should I refuse to pay half?

[plaintomatopasta]

We are moving house soon and part of the sale money will pay off our credit cards and my overdraft. My dh has said then we can just pay for everything 50/50 from the joint account.

He said we should each have our own bank account but pay into the joint for the mortgage and bills 50/50. I asked if this would be proportionally and he said no. To make it fair we should just split it all 50/50. Is this fair? Am I being right or wrong by saying I don't want to pay an equal half?

OK. Serious serious chat about budgeting AS A FAMILY and paying for things AS A FAMILY.

If he has debts, a credit-fuelled lifestyle and you are about to take on a mortgage together, it is in no way "blackmail" to refuse to enter into a binding financial credit agreement with someone who is currently acting like a selfish arse.

It's not "blackmail", it's sensible.
In the same way that discussion is not "nagging".

It's HIS house we are selling as I already sold mine and had to take a loss because it had been rented when I moved in here and the people there trashed it then skipped the country! Besides it was a house of bad memories for me.

We are getting a new house. So the house is similar in size but in a better location for both of us getting to work and cheaper on the bill front as it's very economical (currently paying a fortune in bills because heat escapes out of everywhere in winter). It's not so much a move to have more space it's more a move to make it easier and get into the school catchment area we need to be for 2019 when reception places are allocated.

pasta read back all your posts about him tomorrow when you have some quiet time.

Think about the language you use to describe your interaction and relationship with him, you sound frightentened and brow beaten by him, it's not the language one equal would use about another.

@AdaColeman I'm not scared of him or frightened. I'm a forever optimist and hope that one day he will see the error of his ways and realise I am right. He grew up with his parents having money and they've always bailed him out but they've turned round and said you're 37 and responsible for your own mistakes. My in-laws are very supportive of me so if he persists in saying 50/50 I'll ask them for advice and they'll tell him that it works out proportional. As I said I actually think a better idea is 50/50 but putting half my salary into the mix and half his. It'll cover costs and still leave him with more money! I can't see how he would t think that fairer. He can spend his remainder on what he likes and I will put mine into a savings account!

I'm a forever optimist and hope that one day he will see the error of his ways

very unlikely though isnt it??

I am incensed at this thread. Seriously? You are married with a child. As far as I am concerned ALL your money and his should go in one pot where everything from car to childcare is paid from. After that you each get equal spending money for things such as sport, make up, hair, a beer with the boys etc

He is an arsehole.

I'm a forever optimist and hope that one day he will see the error of his ways and realise I am right

And if he doesn't, what then? The best and most consistent piece of advice I have seen on MN is that when someone tells you what they are, you should listen. This man is telling you that he is selfish. That everything child-related including care, clothes - the lot - is YOUR responsibility. This man is telling you that he expects you to march to the beat of his drum; bringing in income so you can get a mortgage and move, but at the same time being completely unsupportive of you having to work to do those things.

Life is short. 'Eternal optimists' have a bad habit of hanging on and hanging on way beyond the point where they should have cut their losses - and I know this because I am one.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you, but I have a rather nasty feeling that you'll be back on here in a year or so asking for advice because he hasn't changed and you're fed up with carrying all of the load, and being financially disadvantaged because he refuses to entertain any notion of fairness.

@HotelEuphoria that's never going to happen. I actually started our conversation with that where I said that once we move we should just both pay into the joint account and not bother with anything else. That way we can just share everything. He said no and a better way would be split all the bills and mortgage 50/50 and that way it would be fair. He said for example the mortgage would be £550 so we both pay £275 for it. As I am paying the council tax I asked if he would pay the bills by himself and he said no because the bills work out more than the council tax. (I'm paying the council tax because our council takes it direct from my wages BEFORE tax with a 5% discount so it works out a bit cheaper. It's because I work in one of their schools). The bills are more expensive because he has sky sports and I refuse to pay it because I have no interest in it.

@Ariawyn it's unlikely he'll change willingly and if his own accord. Being forced has more likelihood of success. I'm going to just say it's my way or nothing. I'm actually in a strong position of power right now by virtue of him needing me to make this work. I have most of the power I realised last night because if I decided I wanted to work full time I would and he'd have a choice of organising childcare himself or letting me use a nursery. I'd also go on strike too if necessary. I wish a wife had workplace rights and a union! I think I'm using mn as my union 😆

Anyway. I knew deep down I was right that splitting equally was wrong because it's not fair in me. You've all universally agreed with me and so I am confident in standing my ground. Bloody Scrooge!

50% of your salary and 50% of his is proportional- it's proportion is 50%.

But it's too low. We did 80% at a similar stage.

You're starting in the wrong place.

Add up all living costs- mortgage, regular bills, irregular expenses (clothes, hair, activities for DC, annual insurances & subscriptions), debts, and then food, household goods & maintenance. Get a figure.

Then work out how much discretionary spending money you can both be left with after EVERYTHING is paid.

Your way, he will still get into debt, still moan, still wiggle out of paying for his DC. You'll top up from your tiny savings.

You need to be in it together- and you both need to know how much it costs to live, how much or little you have spare.

If the bills weren't getting paid and you're relying on winnings when he earns £48K, something is very wrong and you need to know about the whole picture before you enter into a mortgage.

If he can afford Sky Sports from his discretionary spending money / after everything else is paid - then let him at it. But you need to know the whole position and work together. You'll be in a bad state otherwise.

i'm watching your posts and you seem to be getting stronger which is amazing!

dont settle, you deserve better, youre not being treated like you should be!!

Now that's where the sticking point is. We've had massive falling outs because I've asked for all the outgoing figures so I can budget and he's said no. I said if he wanted to split everything I'd HAVE to know then and he laughed and said "we'll see" which means no. He's bizarre.

Our monthly food bill is £70 at the moment (I batchcook and spend smart) because that's what I could afford. It doesn't include treats like alcohol or special dinners. I don't drink so that's all his spending.

The sky tv I have managed to reduce to £44 a month which includes phone, tv, broadband. That'll increase in December though and so I'll be questioning what we really need and making him pay for the extras he wants.

DC has the following classes I pay for:

Swimming £10 for 15 weeks
Yoga £4 a session (but this is our little bonding treat on a Saturday lunchtime)
Football £30 for 12 sessions (ends at Christmas though).
= £20 a month spread out.

I pay £15 a month for contact lenses.

The new mortgage is estimated at £550 per month.

The council tax is £120 a month

Childcare is currently £120 a month

Car insurance is £260 per year

Car tax is £110 per year

Mobile phone is £65 a month each

So that would be £600ish before we add power and water on top. And that's the basic. We need petrol, savings, the odd dentist bill and haircut (I get my haircut once a year). Bills will obviously change as we get 15hrs school time in January so childcare will drop slightly but the tv will increase and the new home insurance will be added. Proportionally it's 3/4 of my wages at least. But only a third of his. I don't understand why he doesn't see this!

I thank you all for your advice and support. I only wanted reassurance I was right. I'm writing down the bills I know and coatings and then working it out for him. It's the hard way. The easy way would be to have one account that all the money goes into and just pay from there. Again I can't see a problem with that method at all.

you spend £70 on food a MONTH? for 3?????

@Ariawyn yeah I do. Less towards the end of summer because I grow all my own herbs, loads of vegetables, some fruits. I use vouchers, batchcook and freeze so they last longer. We don't use disposable anything (nappies, cloths, wipes etc) and being gluten free I make all our bread, pasta and cereals. When I was living alone and ill I had about £15 a month left over for food so I learnt to make it work really well.

Plus I can't drink milk so my DS and I share milk. Dh has yucky cow milk!

As I say though this doesn't include alcohol or treats. So it would be more if I included beer and Easter eggs. If I included dh magazine subscription it would be more too. I make him buy that though.

Wow, that's amazing

Keep strong! Don't settle for being his skivvy

Did you say earlier of he does his share of housework or none?

You sound like a budgeting queen OP! Seriously though before moving I'd get everything straightened out. You shouldn't feel guilty for raising your son. It was thanks to you your DH could go to work and make as much as he does. You've done your fair share and if he can't see that then he is the problem.
Be firm 50/50 isn't going to work. What does he keep money aside for? Joint wages should be family money not yours is family money and his is his own. Not how it works .... I think you already know that though. Be firm!

I'll never understand why anyone would put up with this. Ever.

If he won't give you a list of all outgoings then he is hiding his spending. Or debt.

He says No a lot doesn't he?! That's not how a partnership works.

He does say no a lot. Or "we'll see" which also means no.

I actually don't understand why I'm not allowed to be in charge of all the money. I grew up in a house where we were pretty short some months and had to dip into the savings a tiny bit. my parents taught me how to budget well. I'd save us loads!

When he says no, do you ask why?

Leave. Honestly. Leave him.

He is an financially abusive piece of shit and you sound utterly manipulated by him. Like you'll take any little scrap from him.

I'm so shocked that anyone would accept to live like this. Maybe you feel indebted to him for "rescuing" you?

You deserve so much more.

Question him more and try to get him to understand what a family unit is. The more you say about him OP the more horrible he sounds. Don't put up with it.