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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
Oswin · 02/02/2017 01:36

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PenguinsandPebbles · 02/02/2017 01:47

I can't imagine what a shock this must be for the OP and her family.

Yes now the OP's husband knows about this child (DNA test confirming) he should pay for this child, but I don't think anybody regardless of their situation would be happy about this.

Reading between the lines, the OP is concerned about losing her home, it's not about climbing frames it's about her home, and if they are living quite close to the line because they put their cash into their home (like we do) it's a possibility they will have to sell their home or downsize their home to pay maintenance, on a child nobody was aware existed until yesterday. I can't imagine having to experience that and think I would feel similar to the OP.

The mother of this child kept it from this man for 8 years, informed him about it in a bloody awful way, it's awful for the child (if they even know, if it is just for money the mother could refuse all access and then they will be stuck with a court case trying to get access) this man has lost out on eight years of his child's life, the child has lost out on their biological father.

This families lives have been turned upside down, and the vitriol towards her people projecting their own personal experience with useless NRP's is very unfair. Of course he has to step up now, nothing the OP has said suggests that he won't, but I strongly suspect most women who found this out and thought it would disrupt their own children's lives would feel exactly the same as the OP.

writergirl747474 · 02/02/2017 03:52

I'd be interested to know why the ONS woman didn't tell the man about the pregnancy before now. All very strange.

It seems some people on here expect a man to start saving cash for a possible child's upbringing every time he has sex - not exactly practical. And no contraception is 100%.

He could have made provisions when told of the pregnancy of course - fair enough.

Neither he or the OP have "benefitted" from him not paying for the child so far - they made family and financial decisions based on him having zero children before they started their family. The ONS woman has lied by omission and she should be explaining herself. My guess is she chose to have the baby alone for whatever reason but the now 8-year-old has started asking questions about her dad.

Unless of course, she has previously told the OP's husband... a possibility. But his level of shock seems pretty genuine from what the OP has said.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 03:55

The fact the mum told everyone at once would indicate very very strongly the husband knew and was ignoring it and she's eventually been forced to tell everyone so he has to stop ignoring it.

The fact the op says all "they "can offer is a few hours in a contact centre three or four times a year and it would be many years before anything else could be offered (by when the child will be an adult) indicates the op wants nothing to do with this child.

The bottom line is this woman should not need to go to the csa and force this man to pay for his child, he should be on the phone to the mum, asking for a DNA test, setting up contact with the child and offering the maintenance money.

anklebitersmum · 02/02/2017 04:14

The child is 8 - it may be the case and we are happy to welcome the child into our family I have no qualms about that- and I love and adore my husband so I know I will be able to bond and love this child too - if the distance wasn't so great it would be much easier - we could do this properly and introduce ourselves and get to know each other frequently and build up over time and develop good relationships and it would be lovely to have my children's sibling over and on holidays with us and as a real part of our family - i cannot see any mother however allowing this until she really knows us because I certainly wouldn't - and I can't see how we can reach that point we will only be able to get there a few times a year.

Because they live a distance away and her husband works abroad 3/7 days a week.

Hardly indicative of wanting nothing to do with the child Hmm

writergirl747474 · 02/02/2017 04:16

Yep, it's a completely different scenario if this was not the first he knew about the child.

Has the OP asked the ONS woman whether she previously contacted her husband? Eight years ago or more recently?

It's a massive massive secret to keep though. Say, he knew from day one and then went on to have other kids with the OP. It would all be based on a lie - I might watch too many soaps but what if his kids met as adults, didn't realise they were brother and sister and got it together?

I really hope for the OP's sake this isn't the case.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 04:22

most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years

RebootYourEngine · 02/02/2017 05:26

This must have been a massive shock. I wouldnt go making plans until after a dna test. However you have a baby and a child under 5 so if you do need to move/downsize they will cope.

TizzyDongue · 02/02/2017 06:41

You can't be sure why the mother of your husband's child has only taken this course of action now.

You also cannot be sure if he knew or not. If he is shocked and upset now it could just as easily be because he's only just found out or it's because you've finally found out so he'll have to actually take responsibility

This woman's actions of contacting the whole family is either from desperation after years of trying to get him to acknowledge her or because she wanted everyone to know that he'd had a child eight years ago for some unexplained reason.

If he knew all along and has been ignoring it or at the very least he was told she was pregnant and ran from his responsibilities, and has been lying about (by while ommision) it for over eight years there's still the possibility he'd deny it still. He'd have a lot to lose in his mind, you the adoring wife who thinks him an amazing man and father, he would deny so not to reveal himself as a man who'd purposefully ignore a child he'd fathered.

Or the mother of the child kept it from him completely and decided to suddenly, out the blue, go all out and use all methods possible to tell him.

Whatever way he's a child he's responsible for.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 02/02/2017 07:14

This is do sad to read

JanuaryMoods · 02/02/2017 07:27

Your DH has got off lightly compared to this woman who has had to go through pregnancy and birth and 8 years alone. Even though the responsibility is as much his as hers.

Her choice. She could have had an abortion. Zero sympathy for the mother here. She decided to go it alone and 8 years later crashes into OP's life.

Oblomov17 · 02/02/2017 07:31

I am really shocked what a hard time OP has had.
The mother of this dd CHOSE not to let him know that he had a daughter.

All These posters being nasty about the money and the climbing frame!! Not all women are honest and trustworthy. This woman chose not to inform op's dh. For 7 years? 8? She is the one who is in the wrong here.

RacoonBandit · 02/02/2017 07:44

What a massive shock for your family OP.

I dont think blaming DH or the mum is going to help. Both had unprotected sex which resulted in a child.
Until the right questions are asked we have no idea if the DH did know or why the mum waited 8 years.

Your DH needs to speak to the mum and until he does you cannot decide on anything.
There could be many reasons why shd failed to get in touch before:
She couldnt find him
Change in finances
Ill health
DD asking questions/wanting to know her dad
Guilt

I hope it works out for your famy OP but you really need to stop blaming as that will just cause resentment.

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 08:01

however I'm not sure what she can expect to take this out on him when she chose to have a baby by a man she only knew his name. - Did she know his surname OP? I would have thought knowing his surname would be very unusual for a ONS, so if she only knew his first name perhaps that would explain why it's taken 8 years to contact - perhaps she genuinely couldn't find him. If that is the case she can hardly be blamed for the lack of contact up to this point, nor for getting in contact and wanting her child to finally meet the other side of their family.

onadifferentplanet · 02/02/2017 08:20

Are you 100% sure there has been no previous attempt to contact your husband. He seems to have readily accepted without any doubt that it is his child even though he only heard about it yesterday so one would presume he remembers the 'one night stand'. Has the mum actually asked for money or maybe her daughter has always known she had a father out there somewhere and has asked to meet him.
From my own experience with the CSA even with all the evidence I was able to provide to them when my ex left it took almost 14 years before I received regular payments so you may well find a case was opened many years ago and they could be arrears.

TizzyDongue · 02/02/2017 08:20

am really shocked what a hard time OP has had.
The mother of this dd CHOSE not to let him know that he had a daughter.

And you now she didn't (with capitalised certainty) how exactly?

Oblomov17 · 02/02/2017 08:28

tizzy, no I don't know. I don't know. That's my point. Neither does anyone else. We can only go on what the op has told us so far.

Op says dh didn't know, it's come as a shock. That's all we have to go on, right now.

The rest is assumption, presumption and conjecture.

needsahalo · 02/02/2017 08:38

Her choice. She could have had an abortion. Zero sympathy for the mother here. She decided to go it alone and 8 years later crashes into OP's life

Or...she could have told the OP's husband she was pregnant only to have him disappear quick as a flash....and it's taken her 8 years to track him down. Or she has been in regular contact but the OP's husband has chosen to keep the whole thing a secret from his wife? Or she thought she would be fine going it alone only to find herself recently diagnosed with a serious, life-limiting illness? Or the child has been sobbing her heart out wanting to know her real dad? Or she is a total bitch and her revenge has been 8 years in the making?

The rest is assumption, presumption and conjecture

Yes, I agree. But that assumption, presumption and conjecture is, for some of us, coming from a place of experience and of recognising that the facts as the OP is presenting them really don't add up. It is worth the OP considering that all is not as it seems because should it all come out at a later date, it will be less of a shock and she will have had time to process it and making decisions in the middle of the emotional turmoil will perhaps be easier because it's been at the back of her mind that there is an alternative possibility. Sure, we can all pile in with 'what a total bitch' and 'your children need to come first' which is what she wants to hear, but it's not going to help in the long-term if the child is her husband's and there's a long back story she is not yet aware of.

TizzyDongue · 02/02/2017 09:00

Your point was that it was her choice to not let him know, you came across at quite adament this was the case (by emphasizing chose:

The mother of this dd CHOSE not to let him know that he had a daughter.

Absolutely nothing about the possibility that you couldn't know.

minipie · 02/02/2017 09:10

I have lots and lots of sympathy for the OP. I would be horrified if this happened.

But when she starts to imply that they won't pay the legal amount, or thinks it's unfair that she or her DC will be affected, that's where my sympathy ends.

The rules are there for a reason - to protect children.

lottieandmia · 02/02/2017 09:12

Whatever the reason the dh didn't know he had a child is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that he's responsible for the child's existence. Saying oh she should have had an abortion is nonsense. Not everyone can bring themselves to go through with such a thing.

lottieandmia · 02/02/2017 09:13

I have sympathy for the situation the op is in but that doesn't mean her dh shouldn't support his first child equally with the two he subsequently had with the OP.

lottieandmia · 02/02/2017 09:14

'The rules are there for a reason'

Quite

2014newme · 02/02/2017 09:17

Op
If your dh has to pay 20% of his salary he still keeps 80% of it and you keep 100% of yours. So how can your children possibly be worse off than her child? How can 20% be more than 89% of his plus,100% of yours.
The fact thus is your key concern makes toy look dreadful.
I agree this isn't the first he has known of this child. Telling all his family is the move of someone who has run out if other options. He already knew about this.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 09:18

And no, shagging strangers without protection isn't something missing st people do. To be honest he sounds like a lowlife deadbeat dad.