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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
Rubies12345 · 01/02/2017 23:46

OP you haven't answered whether she has only just gone to the CSA or whether she opened the claim 8 years ago? If it's the former you don't have to pay any arrears.

AvaCrowder · 01/02/2017 23:48

Are you mostly worried about the financial impact on your children?

I think that as she is just 8, you and your dh should make her feel like part of the family. It's not like she has university or wedding costs coming up.

Try to separate your feelings towards the mother from the daughter.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2017 23:48

It is a bit off turning up after years and demanding money. And causing disruption to a person;s life and family. The time to make a claim was at the time of birth and not stir up havoc years later. Insist on a DNA test.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 23:49

London - the dh's children should all be treated the same.

KarmaNoMore · 01/02/2017 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 23:50

Viviennemary she hasn't demanded money.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 23:52

Vivienne - the Op's dh has contributed nothing so far. I think he's got off lightly. It seems a shame that the op is so upset about material things which don't matter. If she says she is going to struggle to eat I might have more sympathy but she's worried about her children not having their own bedrooms or a climbing frame Hmm

SemiNormal · 01/02/2017 23:52

It is a bit off turning up after years and demanding money. And causing disruption to a person;s life and family. The time to make a claim was at the time of birth and not stir up havoc years later. Insist on a DNA test. - She hasn't demanded money, but if she does then she is well within her rights to "demand" money for their child if he is indeed the father. Who else should support the child? the tax payer?

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 23:54

I really hope your dh is able to create a good relationship with both the mother and their child. I do think a child who doesn't have their father is deprived, even if somebody else is in a parental role. However, it could be that their household circumstances mean that any financial contribution doesn't have to be what the CSA says and you can have an amicable agreement where you are all happy. Hopefully your dh and the mother will be able to have this conversation soon. Personally, if I had the money, I would far rather a father who contributed emotionally than financially but she might not have the budget to allow for that.

stonecircle · 01/02/2017 23:56

It seems odd that she has sprung it on you in such an unpleasant way. That suggests to my mind that either she has been trying to find your DH all this time and just managed it OR he knew about the child and she has decided to act in a vindictive way because of some disagreement between them.

If she had not been in touch before but decided she either now needed financial help or wanted her child to have a relationship with his/her father, wouldn't she go about it in a nicer way which wouldn't get your backs up and make you more inclined to cooperate?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 23:58

we could provide half the amount and her child gains a second family - which would still be much better than what her situation has been for the past eight years and we don't lose our house or wind up in debt.

Your DH doesn't get to pick and chose how much he pays.

The CMS amount that you looked at is the munimum He is required to pay.

anklebitersmum · 02/02/2017 00:01

Assuming the OP is correct and her DH knew nothing about this child then he hasn't

"got off lightly"

he's been denied contact with his child for eight years.

Apparently that's OK though Hmm

brasty · 02/02/2017 00:04

It is strange to only contact the DF after 8 years. So either

  • he already knows about it but hasnt told you OP, and she has told the family as she has been telling him for ages that he needs to tell you, but he has refused. This actually fits with the facts best.
  • or she did not know where he was and has only managed to track him down. As it was on social media, maybe she had no other way to contact him except through his family?
LynetteScavo · 02/02/2017 00:07

You have every right to be angry OP.

The child's mother hasn't played fair. She's deprived her child of their biological father, then suddenly told his whole family about her after 8 years. She should have announced the baby when she was born. She should have slowed her child to have a relationship with her father. You would have known where you stood financially then and got to know the child. Its such shitty behaviour I'm not surprised some posters have questioned whether your DH knew.

This isn't the same as the op having an unplanned 3rd baby at all!

Viviennemary · 02/02/2017 00:10

I think the OP's husband has been treated shamefully. I'd be devastated if this happened to my DH. He had no idea he had a child and wasn't given the opportunity to contribute or be a part of the child's life. And now out of the blue when he has a family this woman turns up. If the DH is being truthful it's very possible the child isn't even his if the only contact was a one night stand.

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 00:12

If the DH is being truthful it's very possible the child isn't even his if the only contact was a one night stand. - Why? because if a woman sleeps with one man without using protection then she must have done it with many? by the same token then perhaps he has a multitude of children waiting to arrive on his doorstep.

DrCoconut · 02/02/2017 00:15

You are right OP, it is very unfair for this woman to pop up when it suits her and start taking money that you can't afford away from your family. If you had knowingly got together with a man with existing children it's a different story but you have been royally shat on IMO. If this woman has managed for 8 years why suddenly appear now? I'd be ashamed to do that. I know it's not a popular view but I did not claim a penny in maintenance from my ex and I'm glad. If it's a "standard" divorce or separation there's maybe an argument for it but some situations, yours included it's just wrong. I'd say it's unfair on the child to have a stranger brought into her life too. I bet the ONS woman drops all this if the whim takes her with no regard for continuity. If you choose not to include the father you stick with that.

tazzle22 · 02/02/2017 00:16

There is so much presumption going on here... that there was unprotected sex that this man is responsible for ... how do we know that ? We can't as the only two people that know are not on this thread !

Contraceptives are not foolproof so as Goldmandra said .... so if man or woman is not prepared to take the responsibility for a foreseeable risk of copulation then don't have PIV sex. Simple. However if one does and a baby is the result then both parties culpable and responsible. OP is not arguing against that at all and neither is her DH. I think it's quite natural to be scared, angry and worried at this coming out of the blue.... and then have anything you write picked apart and torn to shreds when you see the family unit you have known and built up suddenly disrupted.

I kinda feel sorry for some men in this situation. Gemerally spraking Both parties consent to ONS sex and take contraceptibe measures accepting the risk of pregnacy .... or get soooo blaadered they don't give a stuff and get carried away. Anyway one pregnancy arrives suddenly it's only the woman who has any choice in the matter. Man gets no say as far as most of MN is concerned ... and even years down the line he is held as the only one that is at fault and should be made to pay ..in more ways than one. If a woman decides to continue with a pregnacy when she does not have sufficient knowledge about a man to know how to contact him and tell him then maybe she should think about all the ramifications of that

I find it weird coming to the defence of some men like this especially as I have personal and family experiences of just how shitty some men are... but sometimes it seems even the good men can't win ... unless they are celibate. But then.again some women would complain at that !

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 00:17

If you choose not to include the father you stick with that. - and what if it's the child who wants the father to be included?

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 00:18

that there was unprotected sex that this man is responsible for ... how do we know that ? - in fairness when asked that question the OP did respond with something about how most men and women have one night stands without protection rather than clarify whether he did or did not use protection.

SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2017 00:23

People stating that the mother has made the decision not to have the father in the child's life and should stick to that haven't considered what the child wants as they grow up.

SapphireBird · 02/02/2017 00:42

How can the father have contributed to a child he knew nothing about?

They are looking to do the right thing now.

TBH I'm happy with my family unit and I, personally, would struggle to welcome another child in. I think the OP should be praised for doing so.

This child may be genetically related, bu to all intents and purposes, the child is a complete stranger...

Had I had a one night stand, I wouldn't be contacting a practical stranger and allowing them access to my child - how on earth would I know I could trust my child with them? (That's not a reflection on the OP or husband, just an example).

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/02/2017 00:48

I'm sorry, but I'd brace myself for finding out that he did know.

The way she has gone about it makes no sense otherwise.

I'd leave him if I found out that he knew. I couldn't be with someone who could ignore their child like that or lie to me like like. What's your line in the sand here?

Of course he was in a state, his ONS has just blown apart his homelife & told all his family. He'd be in a state if he knew or not.

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 00:49

This is a horrible situation to be in. I would be angry too in your position OP, at the situation, at my husband and with the woman for waiting 8 years to break the news.

It is totally unfair on you and your DC that your financial situation will change but that is a decision your husband made 8 years ago and that chicken has come home to roost now. The 8 years he hasn't been supporting this child has enabled your children to have a better standard of living than of their sibling had been catered for by your husband. This child went without and your children benefitted from that. It is only fair and right by her that your husband now supports her with the legal minimum child support he is obligated to provide. It really is only right.

I do find some of your language regarding this a bit intriguing. You say the child's mother has been spiteful and has done this to punish your DH. Those are odd words to use unless you think your DH did something to warrant her spite and punishment. Do you think he did? What do you think she is punishing him for? Why would she be spiteful towards him and want to hurt him?

user1482079332 · 02/02/2017 01:09

You can't expect the child to go without financial support for another several years because you want your children to keep their climbing frames and own rooms. If the child is his you've all benefited from money that should have gone towards their up bringing

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