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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:06

I know, OP - it's a rubbish situation for you and your dc. You didn't know - how could you have? But the fact would seem to be that your DH already had a child before he met you.

DumbledoresArmy · 01/02/2017 22:07

I would like to know why now?
Also how has she managed to find someone she only knows through a one night stand?

LineysRun · 01/02/2017 22:08

It's not more than 15% of net, is it? And it's not backdated automatically. That's what I've been told by CSA / CMS.

StewieGMum · 01/02/2017 22:09

A DNA test is necessary. However, your husband is an adult. He does not need your protection. If the DNA test is positive then he will need to take responsibility and that includes child maintenance at the level listed by the CMS because it is the bare minimum required to raise a child. Using words like spiteful won't help this situation become positive for everyone involved.

Equally, there are many ways for your husband to start a relationship with the child: emails and What's App; Postcards and breezy letters are always nice to receive.

The children deserve the right to a relationship as siblings. And how you approach this now will have a long term possibilities of that relationship.

DumbledoresArmy · 01/02/2017 22:09

We pay 40% & they don't take into account our 2 children at home.

SimplyNigella · 01/02/2017 22:10

We pay a lot of money for DSS, but that's always been the case and we've arranged our finances and the size of our mortgage accordingly. It must be a huge shock to have the prospect of a sudden change to your financial circumstances like this, even aside from the shock of the existence of the child.

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:11

I'm bloody pissed off because we will be paying more for a single child we have no relationship with than our own children , and sorry I feel this is ludicrous.

I'm not being horrible about the benefits but I'm assuming she has had help financially to help raise this child up until this point or surely she would have tracked my husband down sooner.

In terms of when I say taking it out on him- I mean she has exploded this whole bombshell onto his family without any thought of anyone and I feel this is to punish him- why else would she not give him the chance to tell his own family himself? His dad is seriously seriously ill at the moment yesterday was bloody awful worrying about him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 22:11

Op, I'm sorry, your husband has to provide for the child if it's his. Whether that costs you your dream house or whatever, your children do not come first over this child, they are all equal , they are all his children and he needs to pay for them all. Whatever that means for your family you will just need to adjust to. It's really never going to be the case that your kids come first.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:11

Worrying about your dream home being jeopardised seems pretty crass, sorry.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2017 22:11

What a shock!

itsbetterthanabox · 01/02/2017 22:12

40%
Bullshit

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 22:12

Dumbledore new claims aren't 40% anymore and even if the mother put in a claim eight years ago, she will be under the new rules.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:12

You should be pissed off with your husband - he did this. Are you 100% sure he didn't know?

RandomMess · 01/02/2017 22:13

I guess if your DH knew he already had a child that he was financially responsible for then different financial decisions would have been made! It is very difficult to have this suddenly sprung on you after commitments have been made.

You are probably in a state of shock, somehow you will cope financially and hopefully contact will happen and a relationship of sorts can be built.

LineysRun · 01/02/2017 22:15

How is it the % differs so much between the figures given by those paying child support, and the figures given by the govt agency responsible for asking that it is paid? Genuine question.

isupposeitsverynice · 01/02/2017 22:16

It is 15% for one child but under the new rules the nrp paying maintenance also pays 20% of the maintenance amount to the csa or whatever it's called now (the receiving parent pays 4% of what they receive).

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 22:16

Lineys there are different rules but some parent with cares stayed on the older rules because it was financially beneficial for them to do so. New claim will automatically go on the new rules.

DeleteOrDecay · 01/02/2017 22:17

That must be bewildering. I understand you are shocked but please try not to focus so much on the money aspect just yet. It's not the only reason she might have made contact, although I agree the way she's gone about it is wrong. She shouldn't have told his family without giving him a chance to do so first. Fact is your husband put himself in a position which led to him getting this woman pregnant. He may not have known about the child till now but from this point on he has a responsibility for them just as much as he does for the children you've had together.

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:18

I'm not concerned about our children and a relationship with their sibling- because I know my children will take this in their stride and this will be exciting and positive and great- I actually get excited about the prospect of a new addition to our family and I hope we can all have great relationships because life is so much easier and nicer and lovelier for everybody that way- and it's another person to love my children and for my children to love - I have not feeling against this child however I feel financially it's very very unfair and injust - the amount of money she would be entitled to- in all for settling an amount that's reasonable I have no qualms over that - but not an amount that means we lose our home and uproot my children - or I have to put my baby in a nursery full time to go back to work full time to make the money up - if I raise my two children on less money each month than what she's entitled to it's unfair.

OP posts:
isupposeitsverynice · 01/02/2017 22:18

Ah x-posted - assume it is to do with when claims were first placed - csa is in the process of moving all the claims to the new system. we've had a letter from them about it all.

MycatsaPirate · 01/02/2017 22:18

I think the Op has a right to be angry and pissed off.

People saying she has had to raise the child on her own - let's look at it from another pov.

She has chosen to have the child and not tell the father.

She has clearly not put the father on the birth certificate and he has no rights.

8 years later she decides she now wants him to pay for said child and not only does she tell his wife before him, she tells all his extended family as well. In effect, the father is the last to know.

The op and her husband have made plans, long term plans for them, their children and their future. They have had an 8 year old child (I am NOT blaming the child) thrust on them with the expectation that they will now provide for him/her.

The op's husband has never had any say in this. He didn't even know about the baby. He hasn't been able to watch the child grow, get to know and love him/her, hasn't been able to be part of their life but all of a sudden he's good enough to stick his hand in his pocket?

I think it's fucking shit to be honest. I really do.

DeleteOrDecay · 01/02/2017 22:19

she's entitled to

It's not what the mother is entitled to its what the child is entitled too. That money is for your husbands child.

HerRoyalNotness · 01/02/2017 22:20

As hard as it is, there is no point worrying and making plans until you have a confirmed DNA test. Do not make any promises, agree to financial help or contact until you have this.

It was a really shitty thing for her to spring on the whole family. The contact should have been kept to your DH and you until parentage is confirmed and then your DH should have been the one to tell his family if needed.

As for not supporting the child for 8yrs, no blame there on the DH, he could hardly support a child he didn't know existed!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 01/02/2017 22:20

The mother has chose to go at it alone for 8 years though. If he knew nothing that was entirely her choice.

LALALALALAND · 01/02/2017 22:21

A friend of mine discovered that he was not the biological dad of his 3rd child. OH then claimed maintenance from the biological father which was backdated (not to birth) and included full school fees.

Ouch.

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