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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 09:24

I'd also agree the facts don't add up.

If you have a child by a one night stand and you don't know the man, apart from his name, then decide to tell him at some point he has a child, normally you would contact the father first privately and talk to him.

Telling his "whole family" and his wife "first" and being spiteful. And also insinuating they were together when the op and her husband were together, tells me there is a whole back story here that the op is unaware of.

I'd bet good money that the ops husband knew full well he had this child and this woman has simply blown the doors off because he's refused to acknowldge the child i.e. She's got to the end of her tether.

Because when you get to the stage you're being spiteful and telling the whole family this would be rare to be your first communication on the subject. It would be after repeated discussions you'd go there. You wouldn't be spiteful and tell someone's whole family as your first step and with someone who was basically a stranger and only had sex with once.

Yes, she maybe unhinged and it was her first step, but I doubt it. I'd bet the fathers been having repeated communications on this.

So yeah, I reckon there's a csa claim There, and I'd not be surprised if there was arrears to be paid.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 09:29

Ask her when she first told him.
I doubt the answer will be "this week"

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 09:30

or thinks it's unfair that she or her DC will be affected

I think it is unfair that her. And her DC are affected. Because they didn't choose ot cause any of this. It's ok to acknowledge that is unfair. But it is what it is now and sometimes horrible unfair things happen to change lives and you just have to accept it.

OllyBJolly · 02/02/2017 09:39

I'm a bit sceptical about this. Did she find the whole family at the same time she tracked down her ONS? How would she have any insight into family dynamics, bombshell or not? I think it's unlikely this is the first the DH has heard of it.

I sympathise with OP. What a tremendous shock. But, you know, once the initial shock subsides you'll find a way through it. It sounds like OP and her DH have s strong relationship and will weather this out. Hopefully amicably without apportioning blame to the mother or the child.

Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 09:54

I'm with pirate on this. I tbink it is fucking disgusting that this woman has deprived the OP's dh of his child and her child of it's father for eight years. That time can never be given back. It was entirely her choice to raise the baby in this way so she has no business after all this time expecting money.

If I was the OP, I would be wortied about my dc's house and garden - she has every right to prioritise her own dc over a child she didn't know existed until yesterday.

I too would make the mother do all the running. If she wants money, then she gets legal advice and pays for dna testing. I would see a solicitor asap. I think I would put aside maintenance money in case it does turn out that he is the father but I would also remember OP, that it is your dh's income which will be assessed for cs, not yours, so it might be possible to return to work and have your dh cut down a bit on his, this keeping your income higher but your obligations less.
That said, if the mother was truly in dire financial straights and genuinely needed support for the child, I would urge you to prioritise that child's needs. But the way she has gone about this doesn't bode well imo. That is assuming your dh has been totally honest with you.

Ordinarily, I would never advise a poster to take steps to reduce what they pay. I strongly believe that people shouldn't have more dc if they cannot afford the ones they already have, but where a woman deliberately witholds knoeledge of a child's existance from a decent man (obviously exceptions for abusive men), I think that should be illegal and she should have no entitlement to claim anything.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 09:58

. I tbink it is fucking disgusting that this woman has deprived the OP's dh of his child and her child of it's father for eight years.

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 10:00

I think that should be illegal and she should have no entitlement to claim anything.

She claims on the child's behalf. The child has the entitlement to support. You shouldn't punish a child for their parent's actions.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 10:01

The op hasn't checked with the mum when she told the op dh.
He says he didn't know till this week🙄 but that does seem unlikely

LineysRun · 02/02/2017 10:02

How can you 'prioritise a child's needs' and yet make it illegal for the child to be paid child support???

SangtheSun · 02/02/2017 10:02

Do you always believe in penalising children for their parent's behaviours, Aderyn?

Because if, a big if too, your scenario is accurate, that's what you would be doing. The child gets no financial support from its father because of the actions of its mother.

Unless in "truly dire financial straits". Is there a legal definition of that?

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 10:02

Fwiw I think it's very obvious likely there is more to this than OP has been told which will come out. But probably not to us. OP seems very defensive of her husband so I can't see her exposing any wrong doing on his part. We won't hear the full story.

HelenDenver · 02/02/2017 10:06

The money is for the child aderyn

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 10:07

Honesty op the way the bomb was delivered to you and his family suggests to me that he was fully aware about this child. The fact she meantioned a cross over suggests he might have been seeing you and her casually then broke it off. Look at the previous posters story sorry forget her name about her own situation it's very plausible this happened...I think he's buried his head in the sand, it's odd you live so far away from the mother was that your dh decision? He seems rather calm and accepting given he was delivered the news yesterday. I do feel sorry for your situation I would be devasted in your position. But maintenance is a legal requirement you don't get to dictate that you give 75quid or whatever a month. Your husband has created another life with someone else and is finically responble for her. If you have to go back to work and not live on your solely DH wage then that's a sacrifice you've got to do many parents both work full time to support their DC. Your dh hasn't paid for 8years of her life, the costs have been solely down to the DM and her partner.
I know my ex hates paying me maintenance he try's to readjust the amount constantly but it a legal requirement.

Maintenance includes
Clothing
Heating
Housing
Electric/Gas
Food
School meals at my lads school it's 10.25 a week
Activities

My friend got pregnant and found out at 4 and half months she told the father who's GF was also pregnant and she got threatened and utilmately was attacked in the street when she was pushing her baby. She married now and the child doesn't see her real bio dad or even know his SD isn't his and she receives no maintenance off him. She may have been concerned by his reaction,he may have been abusive to her at the time you just don't know but there's another side to this story.

Owllady · 02/02/2017 10:11

I agree with MycatsaPirate first pot
This must have been a terrible shock. I hope you are okay.

Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 10:17

At the moment we can only judge according to what the OP tells us. She says her dh didn't know and if that the case then I think a huge injustice has been done to both him and the child. If it turns out that he has always known and has deliberately deprived his chold of financial support and a relationship and lied to the OP, then that changes matters entirely and yes, in those circumstamces he should be held entirely responsible. But there is nothing to suggest that he did know.

Whilst support may be for the child, the father has gone on to have a family amd make finamcial commitments he may nott have otherwise made if he had known about the first child. That being the case, I don't think it is fair to penalise his family.
The mother of the first child is accountable for her choices and to me, that means she should sort out her own finances and not rely on him, having cheated him out of his child.

Dire financial straights, to me means on the verge of eviction/unable to buy food or clothes for her child etc, in which case yes, the dad does have to step in.

MyWineTime · 02/02/2017 10:22

If you choose not to include the father you stick with that
And the taxpayer becomes responsible for providing for the child?
What if the father chooses not to be involved or makes things so unpleasant as to make it preferable to cut him out - does he get let off the hook that way too?

I'd be interested to know why the ONS woman didn't tell the man about the pregnancy before now. All very strange.
Maybe she didn't know how to contact him.
Maybe she wanted to do it alone but now the child wants to meet their father.
Maybe he made it clear that this was no strings sex and not to contact him again.
Ultimately, that's irrelevant. If the child is his, he is responsible.

This is a difficult situation, but don't direct anger towards this child's mum. That baby was created by two people who are equally responsible.

Owllady · 02/02/2017 10:23

No one has to judge the OP at all. She hasn't done anything wrong!

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 10:23

So that's a yes then Aderyn2016, you would indeed punish a child for their parents actions. Disgusting.

SangtheSun · 02/02/2017 10:25

I've seen ONS Woman on here a lot but not ONS Man.

Funny, that.

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 10:27

Adyren maintenance is the least he can do it is also a legal requirement

MrsDustyBusty · 02/02/2017 10:28

I'd bet good money that the ops husband knew full well he had this child and this woman has simply blown the doors off because he's refused to acknowldge the child i.e. She's got to the end of her tether.

I kind of having enough that sense too. He's not at home right now, apparently, but has accepted that it's his child and managed to manage the story so the mother is a spiteful gold digger who is ruining his life for some inexplicable reason. It just fits in to so many tropes about women to be totally random.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 10:30

The consensus is that the ops dh did know already and is lying to the op.
" why didn't the ex tell him before? "
She likely did!

catinbooots · 02/02/2017 10:32

OP still hasn't actually said if the women has asked for, or even mentioned maintenance yet.

I read it that OP's first thought was that of money. Hence the frantic googling.

TheHobbitMum · 02/02/2017 10:33

Something doesn't seem to add up, I get the feeling the child's mother has been in contact regarding the child and he's chosen to ignore /Bury his head in the sand. To come and tell everyone seems an act of a desperate mother trying to get a response, the father cant ignore the issue now!
I do think the OP has had a hard time though, her whole world has been turning ed upside down. I'd be fucking pissed too, everything will now change all because the mother didn't make everyone aware 8yrs ago. She must know who he is to find him after all this time so she could've used that info years ago.
OP make sure you get the DNA done and I wish you all well with contact and CMA

Lunar1 · 02/02/2017 10:34

You may find the first visits have to be just your husband. For an 8 year old it may be too much to be presented with you both straight away.