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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 16/02/2017 13:30

You can't exactly say to a man he 'opened his legs' not the same is it.

No, but you can say "had unprotected sex" about a woman. How are you not understanding this??

Tell you what, go and have a wee think and see what shaming terms you can come up with for a man having sex that is the equivalent to "opened her legs". See how many you can come up with.

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/02/2017 15:51

I wish the phrase 'opening her legs' would die. It always make me think how vanilla is your sex life that you don't realize you can have sex several ways with your legs closed?

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2017 16:00

That's a really horrible thing to say about this woman, "opening her legs for any man". You don't know the circumstances here nor do you know her , she clearly does know who he is,and it would be a safe assumption to assume he knew he had a child. It would be very unusual to be spiteful to a strangers family after eight years and for no reason. The woman has even said she knew about the wife and it happened when they were together.

Reallythat comment on the mother was simply awful 😞

sashh · 16/02/2017 16:28

She also will have been receiving benefits so I'm sorry I do not think she now years down the line deserves to take more than we can give our children

  1. you do not know this

  2. so it's OK for me and every other tax payer to support your husband's child?

MrsTeller · 18/02/2017 15:14

Why do people assume single mothers are all on benefits?

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 15:15

Why do people assume single mothers are all on benefits?

They're stupid and read the fail.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2017 15:54

I imagine most lone parents are on some kind of top up benefit ( tax credits etc) if not on full benefits. I may be wrong but I don't know many that earn enough to not e reliant on any benefits at all.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 18/02/2017 16:06

This is old thread an the op hasn't been on since over 2 weeks ago. Time to move on Desire2017

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 16:10

Ooh you lack imagination then babyroobs loads of single parents are high earners. The benefit threshold is not that High you know.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2017 16:31

Every single parent I know is on some kind of benefits. Of course on mumsnet there are bound to be lots that are high earners. I don't know any in real life !

Babyroobs · 18/02/2017 16:34

And the benefit threshold is pretty high if you have a few kids and childcare costs which most lone parents will as they have no-one to share the childcare with. £32k for 2 kids ( higher with childcare costs), £38k for 3 kids ( higher with childcare costs).

lottieandmia · 18/02/2017 16:49

The point here is that a parent should be supporting their own child. The child's father should not be allowed to just put it on the tax payer.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2017 16:59

Lottie- I absolutely agree that a child's father should support the child. However it makes no difference to how much the tax payer also pays to support that child because mantainence isn't taken into account when calculating how much a lone parent gets in benefits. The nrp could be paying £1000 a month but the rp would get the same in benefits as another lone parent getting nothing in maintainence payments ( assuming their income and other circumstances were the same)

lottieandmia · 18/02/2017 21:27

That's not the point - the father should be paying his way regardless of any other income the mother has. She may earn a lot herself. It still isn't the point. This man supports his other two children and he should support this one.

greenlanes · 20/01/2018 09:17

SparkleSoiree Flowers

Radyward · 20/01/2018 09:27

You need to grow up and your husband pay his way. Its irrelevant what your plans were or the mums circumatances. He has to pay maintenance

blueskypink · 20/01/2018 10:09

ZOMBIE THREAD

greenlanes · 20/01/2018 12:31

Thank you bluesky - I hadnt spotted that. This thread came up on site most active - how wierd!

3havemyheart · 24/03/2018 07:18

I know this is an old out dated post but I came across it when searching for this specific topic, OP- can you get in contact with me please!!?

Welldoneme · 24/03/2018 23:19

I often wondered what was the outcome.
I don’t believe for a second that the father didn’t know.

TiredMummy18 · 26/03/2018 20:59

Don’t be so skeptial. This happened to me and my family, DH had no idea as the child’s Mum kept the Child a secret even from her closest friends for years, they had no mutual friends, didn’t live near each other and weren’t in contact on social media etc. It was me who found out when she popped up on one of my social media accounts and her profile was public, I saw all her posts about her daughter and worked the dates out. I really sympathise with the OP because this was initially devastating to my family. It’s a lot of emotions to get your head around and I think it’s so so selfish of the mothers to do this, not just on the fathers but on their kids who are missing out on a real relationship with their dads. My DH hasn’t got the bond with his daughter that he has with our kids and it’s 2 years down the line, he sees her regularly but it’s very hard for him to bond with her. I feel very sorry for all involved, the only person who is to blame here is the mother who decided to keep this child a secret.

Mballew0301 · 26/10/2018 20:01

I am wondering how this has been working out. My husband and i have been together 10years. We have 1 daughter together, then my teenage son from a previous marriage who my husband has fathered since he was 4. We Got a letter in the mail the other day from family services in Florida saying they needed him to call about his child. This was extremely confusing since his child was right there at home with us in Maine, and he has never even been to Florida. He immediately called the number listed, and it turns out that a girl that he barely knew and had a casual fling with for a short time When he lived in Georgia right after he got out of the army, Had all 3 of her children removed from her home and placed in Foster care. One of them she claims is my husband's. Their relationship was so brief, that it took him a little while to even remember who she was and never really even knew her last name. (I know... very irresponsible) This little girl's mother would have been 5 to 6 months pregnant with her when he and I started dating. She's about a year and a 1/2 older than our daughter. We just got this information yesterday, and he requested a paternity test and has stated that if this is his daughter, he wants custody. I have to admit, the little girl ooks a lot like our daughter together. Now I'm wondering what happens next. The caseworker said that he is not at fault or liable for any retroactive child support, but where do we go from here? We don't know anything about her past or what she's been through, we don't know anything about her emotional well being, how do we potentially integrate this child into our lives with our 7 year old and 14 year old? Cheekychica10, I am really hoping that you read this. How has this worked out for you so far?

RandomMess · 26/10/2018 23:31

@Mballew0301 Mumsnet is mostly British or UK posters so you may find more appropriate guidance elsewhere on US sites for the process, legal etc.

That must be a huge shock to you both! Most of all your DH needs to look at this from the girls' point of view - she may want to stay with her siblings, keep with the same neighbourhood etc.

Thanks
Mamalorax · 22/01/2019 06:25

Hi Mballew0301,
I've just now read your post dated 10/26/2018 regarding your husband and you finding out he had fathered a daughter previous to your relationship. It sounds as though you and I are in a very similar situation as my spouse and I found out in October that he had fathered a son 8 years previous. We are in Canada and have been together for 7 years with three kids between us. I just wondered how things had progressed in your situation. It's been a confusing time for us, for sure.

Mamalorax · 22/01/2019 06:27

@Mballew0301